Plato

[Stuck]

I have a male friend I have known for several years and am pretty close to. I see him nearly every day and we do a lot of things together, from going fishing to going to concerts to mundane activities like grocery shopping. We make eachother laugh, and he always tells me he enjoys my company. The relationship has always been just friendly, but maybe since January it's been a bit more flirtatious. He's even spent the night a couple of times after late nights, and we've snuggled. He recently invited me along to a grad school reunion, and everyone assumed that we were a couple -- and he didn't correct them.

 

Seems inevitable that I would eventually develop feelings for him, and now I don't know what to do. I've got a whopping crush going, which is kind of fun, but I'm not sure there's much hope. He is still casually dating loads of other women, although he doesn't tell me about them much. I once turned to him for advice about someone I had started going out with, and he more or less asked me not to talk to him about it. He said something along the lines of, "This guy knows he's got a great catch, so stop worrying about it." He's also told me he thinks I'm beautiful.

 

He keeps insisting that he's sick of dating and wants to settle down. I really don't know what to think. Are these comments at all directed at me, or am I just reading into them now? I suppose if he were interested in me he would have made a move by now, and I wouldn't have to be wondering. On the other hand, sometimes it really seems intense...but then nothing ever happens. I don't know what to do -- tell him? (unlikely that I would ever work up the courage to do that). Or forget about him as anything more than a pal?

 

Thanks.

[Tony T]

You really have no choice but to confront him on the issue. Let him know you get a lot of mixed signals from him and that you want to know, straight up, if he's wanting more than just a close friendship. Then let him take it from there.

 

He could be afraid to make a move for fear of what your reaction might be. Or he could just be afraid of being in an intimate relationship with anybody.

 

Sometimes people get really fond of opposite sex friends and while they don't necessarily want a relationship with them they don't want anybody else having a relationship with them either. I suppose this is because if the other gets wrapped up in a relationship, the friendship fizzles a bit.

 

It sounds like he is very fond of you and there's no reason why you can't explore this more. Two very mature people can do that without it affecting a friendship so don't be babies about this. If he gives the nod to more, be sure to make it clear that whatever happens you don't want the friendship to be affected...and be mature about it.

 

But you're going to have to talk to him soon...and be sure to do that before he finds a girlfriend and you have to wait it out.

[Stuck]

Hi Tony,

 

I've never known him to have a steady girlfriend, and he's at an age where most folks are already married and have kids. I do wonder if he is just not capable of a real relationship, and that's why he sticks to fleeting flings with women that he admits himself he would never be serious about. I'm sorry for him if that's the case; I don't think that's something I can change. I'll give talking to him a shot, I guess... This is going to be difficult -- but on the other hand, it would be a relief to know what he thinks, rather than having to guess.

 

Ugh. Thanks for your words.

 

You really have no choice but to confront him on the issue. Let him know you get a lot of mixed signals from him and that you want to know, straight up, if he's wanting more than just a close friendship. Then let him take it from there.

 

He could be afraid to make a move for fear of what your reaction might be. Or he could just be afraid of being in an intimate relationship with anybody. Sometimes people get really fond of opposite sex friends and while they don't necessarily want a relationship with them they don't want anybody else having a relationship with them either. I suppose this is because if the other gets wrapped up in a relationship, the friendship fizzles a bit. It sounds like he is very fond of you and there's no reason why you can't explore this more. Two very mature people can do that without it affecting a friendship so don't be babies about this. If he gives the nod to more, be sure to make it clear that whatever happens you don't want the friendship to be affected...and be mature about it. But you're going to have to talk to him soon...and be sure to do that before he finds a girlfriend and you have to wait it out.

[sparkle]

Talk to him soon!

 

He may like you but be scared to approach you because he doesn't know how you feel. Do what Tony says and ask him what's going on and that you're getting mixed signals from him.

 

From what you've wrote, it sounds like this guy is interested in you. When you mentioned the other guy to him, he brushed it off. He didn't want to hear about it because he has feelings for you. If he didn't see you as anything more than a friend, he would've offered you advice or talked about it.

 

And maybe he's never been in a steady relationship because none of the girls he dates can compare to you, and he knows that. Yes, he is sending you mixed signals. And I'm sure it's very frustrating. But many of the signals he is sending you show that he is interested in you.

 

The longer you wait, the more time you will spend wondering about it. Put everything to rest and talk to him about it.

 

And be sure to come back and let us know. I'm curious myself.