Online date asked how many women I'm dating right now

[max3732]

This is someone I've been messaging about a week. We had planned to go out, but she said she wasn't feeling well and want to go out next week.

We were just chatting and out of nowhere she asks "How many women are you dating right now?"

Is this a normal thing to ask someone you haven't met yet? I have the 1 woman I'm trying to figure out a long distance with and other than that a few online matches with 1 or 2 messages and another 1 I have a date with this weekend.

My question is at this stage is it appropriate for me to have to share any of that or should I just tell her I'm not dating anyone yet? For me dating doesn't include people you haven't even met yet or have only met once. Doesn't it imply you're seeing them on a regular basis?

I'm a bit confused

[basil67]

You answer with the truth: You have a date lined up with one person and are talking to another couple of women.  

  

[Alpacalia]

Well, you're currently dating a couple of women (long distance one and the one this weekend) so @basil67response seems appropriate.

[Gaeta]

Ask her what she means by dating? To me dating is seeing someone on a regular basis, something like grabbing a first coffee with someone is not dating. Maybe when you ask her what she means by dating she will rephrase her sentence. 

[max3732]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Ask her what she means by dating? To me dating is seeing someone on a regular basis, something like grabbing a first coffee with someone is not dating. Maybe when you ask her what she means by dating she will rephrase her sentence. 

That's how I feel too. If I get 1 reply back from someone with an online app or site I don't think we're dating. I've also recently had a date set with a woman and then she unmatched me a day before. I don't think we were dating

I asked what she meant and answered about my situation of talking to a few people online. 

Her next reply was that I had asked her out before she was sick and she wants to make it clear when she goes out with someone she expects the man to not only pay for the meal, but for her ride share to/from the location if we don't meet within walking distance of where she lives. 

Her exact phrase was "I will not spend any money on the man nor spend any more going to the date... it is all his effort and my effort is my beautiful lovely company"

That seems a bit odd to me to say the least. Of course I was already planning on paying for the meal, but the place we're meeting has free parking. I'm guessing she doesn't have a car either?

People ask how I'm still single, but this is what I'm navigating with these dates. I'm a bit confused

[Leihla_B]

13 hours ago, max3732 said:

My question is at this stage is it appropriate for me to have to share any of that

No, and it's inappropriate of her to ask. OLD is about meeting people to learn whether you are a good match. How many people you choose to meet or date again is none of anyone else's business.

10 minutes ago, max3732 said:

she wants to make it clear when she goes out with someone she expects the man to not only pay for the meal, but for her ride share to/from the location if we don't meet within walking distance of where she lives. 

Her exact phrase was "I will not spend any money on the man nor spend any more going to the date... it is all his effort and my effort is my beautiful lovely company"

She sounds obnoxious. I'd wish her good luck with that and pass on meeting her.

Edited October 15, 2024 by Leihla_B

[Alpacalia]

She is most likely asking because she wants to know if you are casually dating other people or if she is the only person you are interested in. Some people may view talking to multiple people or going on multiple dates as "dating" even if it hasn't progressed to a serious relationship.

I think you should pass, you both have different different priorities I don't think this is a good match. Although I do understand why she would ask, maybe she's had bad experiences where the guy she's been on a date with expected her to split the bill or pay for her own expenses. 

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, max3732 said:

 

Her exact phrase was "I will not spend any money on the man nor spend any more going to the date... it is all his effort and my effort is my beautiful lovely company"

Where the heck do you find these women? Is this the same woman who said she is strict with men or someone different?

I liked it when a man paid for our first date. I didn't tell any of those men though, l let them be themselves. If they were not the way l'd liked them to be l moved to next. 

She sounds bitter and wanting to make the next man pay for it.

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

maybe she's had bad experiences where the guy she's been on a date with expected her to split the bill or pay for her own expenses. 

When that happenned to me l just moved to next. That's dating. No? 

She might as well tell him how to talk, how to walk, and manipulate him into being the man she's looking for. Why not just shut up and meet men until she finds her match.

 

Edited October 15, 2024 by Gaeta

[max3732]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Where the heck do you find these women? Is this the same woman who said she is strict with men or someone different?

I liked it when a man paid for our first date. I didn't tell any of those men though, l let them be themselves. If they were not the way l'd liked them to be l moved to next. 

She sounds bitter and wanting to make the next man pay for it.

This is from the same dating app, but a different woman. Supposedly it's supposed to be higher caliber women. You can see how well that's working for me.

I've paid for every first date I've ever been on in my life and like it when women say "thank you" and also if they offer to pay, but back down once I tell them I have it. Of course I don't tell them that before the date.

This just rubs me the wrong way. I want to be a provider for the woman I date and marry and to take care of things for her, but this bugs me. Same as if she said "I expect the man to open the door for me". I just open the door for a lady without thinking about it. 

I don't know if there's something in the water where I live or what, but I'm still struggling to find a decent woman, let alone find one I'm compatible with. That's also why I'm devastated after 1st or 2nd dates when I think things went well and she rejects me. I have to go through so many hours of messaging and weed out odd women just to get to the date.

Hopefully the one I have this weekend will be better. The only thing I don't like about her is she has a youtube channel and posts a lot online. I watched one of the videos and I can't imagine anyone watching them since it's basically her saying "I'm going to the store now. These are my friends at this restaurant," etc

[basil67]

1 hour ago, max3732 said:

I don't know if there's something in the water where I live or what

This is online dating for everyone.  You've got to sort the sheep from the goats.   And any person who selects themselves to be a 'higher calibre' date is someone to be avoided.  The fact they put themselves there to start with tells you they are vain and entitled.

 If you're feeling "devastated" by someone deciding it's not right for them after one or two dates, then you're getting far too overinvested.  Devastation is for the breakup of an committed relationship which has sustained a reasonable period of time.   You could do a better job of guarding your heart and managing your expectations

You say that you want to be a provider for the woman and take care of things for her.   What exactly does this mean?   Do you want her to stop working, or are you planning that your money is "ours" and her money is "hers"?     Would you be happy being married to a woman who loved her career?

Edited October 15, 2024 by basil67

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, Gaeta said:

When that happenned to me l just moved to next. That's dating. No? 

She might as well tell him how to talk, how to walk, and manipulate him into being the man she's looking for. Why not just shut up and meet men until she finds her match.

I suppose, but maybe the OP is trying to date these women as well. If he's trying to date multiple people while he's trying to make the long distance work? So it's kind of unclear what it is he's looking for. I could see where a woman would get the impression that the strapped for shoes he's really in no position to start anything new right now.

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, max3732 said:

Supposedly it's supposed to be higher caliber women

What exactly makes these women of a higher caliber?

[Gebidozo]

10 hours ago, max3732 said:

Her exact phrase was "I will not spend any money on the man nor spend any more going to the date... it is all his effort and my effort is my beautiful lovely company"

Why would you even consider dating a woman who thinks and talks like that?

[Gebidozo]

6 hours ago, max3732 said:

Supposedly it's supposed to be higher caliber women.

Any app that advertises itself as having “higher caliber” people is going to be full of obnoxious jerks of both genders.

Get off OLD and meet a nice, normal woman in your natural surroundings.

 

6 hours ago, max3732 said:

I have to go through so many hours of messaging and weed out odd women just to get to the date.

You’re actually weeding out women to get dates with those that tell you that they’re “strict with men” and that their contribution to dating is their “beautiful company”?

Whom are you weeding out, then? Mass murderers?
 

 

 

[max3732]

21 hours ago, basil67 said:

This is online dating for everyone.  You've got to sort the sheep from the goats.   And any person who selects themselves to be a 'higher calibre' date is someone to be avoided.  The fact they put themselves there to start with tells you they are vain and entitled.

 If you're feeling "devastated" by someone deciding it's not right for them after one or two dates, then you're getting far too overinvested.  Devastation is for the breakup of an committed relationship which has sustained a reasonable period of time.   You could do a better job of guarding your heart and managing your expectations

You say that you want to be a provider for the woman and take care of things for her.   What exactly does this mean?   Do you want her to stop working, or are you planning that your money is "ours" and her money is "hers"?     Would you be happy being married to a woman who loved her career?

The word "devastated" was too strong. More like disappointed, annoyed, frustrated, angry. I'm spending a lot of time and effort sending personalized messages to women, getting a few matches that turn out to be in other states or countries and then finally get someone who lives near me and 3/4 of those disappear after a message or 2. So I finally get one in front of me and it feels to be that things are going well and we're compatible and I get the "you're a great guy, lots going for you, but I didn't feel a romantic connection. Good luck!" 

Sometimes people tell me I don't get excited enough about these dates, but then other times I get too excited and invested. 

By being a provider I mean I can take care of both of us financially and she doesn't have to continue working if she doesn't want to and I'd love for her to be a stay at home mom. I would think we'd combine both our incomes.

I wouldn't want to be married to a woman whose life was about her career and wouldn't want to have kids and didn't have any other hobbies or interests.

21 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I suppose, but maybe the OP is trying to date these women as well. If he's trying to date multiple people while he's trying to make the long distance work? So it's kind of unclear what it is he's looking for. I could see where a woman would get the impression that the strapped for shoes he's really in no position to start anything new right now.

All I'm trying to find is 1 woman to marry. If I can get that with the long distance one that would be great, but until we're more serious I want to keep my options open. For all I know she could text me today and tell me she met someone closer to her.

20 hours ago, Gaeta said:

What exactly makes these women of a higher caliber?

I'm not sure if I'm allowed to mention the name of the app on here, but it's supposed to weed out fake profiles and do a background check to verify you are who you say you are. 

16 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Any app that advertises itself as having “higher caliber” people is going to be full of obnoxious jerks of both genders.

Get off OLD and meet a nice, normal woman in your natural surroundings.

 

You’re actually weeding out women to get dates with those that tell you that they’re “strict with men” and that their contribution to dating is their “beautiful company”?

Whom are you weeding out, then? Mass murderers?
 

 

 

Haha. How do I meet a nice, normal woman in my natural surroundings? I work from home and only seem to meet married women in my surroundings. I don't know where to find single women in their 30's.

I'm weeding out profiles where the woman has purple hair, nose rings, tattoos, uses profanity, says she's visiting my area and looking for a tour guide, smokes, etc. One time I chatted with this woman on the phone and I was actually afraid she was a mass murderer! I showed her picture to my family, friends and neighbors and said if something happens to me she's probably responsible. On the call she told me she would kill her father if she could and that he taught her how to sneak up behind people and strangle them. When I told her I wasn't interested she sent me a message insulting me saying I was delusional if I think she'd want to date me and when I blocked her she left threatening messages from another number.

Dating as a man in his early 40's sure is fun.

[Gaeta]

19 minutes ago, max3732 said:

I'm not sure if I'm allowed to mention the name of the app on here, but it's supposed to weed out fake profiles and do a background check to verify you are who you say you are

I don't need you to name the app but, surely there is something else this app is selling to be advertising 'women of higher caliber'? It's not because someone doesn't have a criminal past that they are of a higher caliber. 

[Gaeta]

32 minutes ago, max3732 said:

I'm weeding out profiles where the woman has purple hair, nose rings, tattoos, uses profanity, says she's visiting my area and looking for a tour guide, smokes, etc.

So this not really an app with women of higher caliber after all. 

[Gaeta]

35 minutes ago, max3732 said:

getting a few matches that turn out to be in other states or countries

Why is that? Isn't that app allowing you to make local searches only? Doesn't it give you the option to only receive messages from so many km from your location?

You sound all over the place and not really knowing how to use a dating app. 

Edited October 16, 2024 by Gaeta

[max3732]

35 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

So this not really an app with women of higher caliber after all. 

Those ones I'm weeding out are from another app. I'm on 3 apps right now. 2 very mainstream ones and then the one that's supposed to verify profiles and only have people with decent jobs. I don't know how they define caliber.

33 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Why is that? Isn't that app allowing you to make local searches only? Doesn't it give you the option to only receive messages from so many km from your location?

You sound all over the place and not really knowing how to use a dating app. 

 Both of the mainstream apps have that filter and I use it. The problem with both of them is that these women change their location to my area and don't say where they live. So I'll see that they're at a place 20 minutes away and message them. Sometimes they reply and I even went out with one and said something like "by the way. I live in another country and am only here for another day".

Then there are the ones who moved here for school or a job and then move back. 

I don't know if I need to ask everyone I meet on the apps if they actually live in my area or not, but I've been doing that for some now. 

Some of the apps even have what they're looking for as things like "short term open to long" or vice versa or "fun, casual dates" and I don't know what any of that means. For some reason there are also some women who say something like "looking for a 3rd to join my husband and I on vacation" or all kinds of crazy things.

On my profile I made my intentions of looking for someone to marry very clear.

 

Edited October 16, 2024 by max3732

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, max3732 said:

All I'm trying to find is 1 woman to marry. If I can get that with the long distance one that would be great, but until we're more serious I want to keep my options open. For all I know she could text me today and tell me she met someone closer to her.

Hmm, well, I guess that's fair. But, if a woman new to you is walking into that she might be hesitant because you're keeping your options open...it's a difficult situation. Like, if you start dating someone off the dating app, and long distance works out, are you going to drop them right away?

[Gaeta]

22 minutes ago, max3732 said:

I don't know if I need to ask everyone I meet on the apps if they actually live in my area or not, but I've been doing that for some now. 

You ask them right away which part of town they're from and also ask them what is their purpose on the app. I don't know why people are afraid of asking questions right away. When I was online I was asking the important question right away. 

I think you are on too many apps. That's why you spend hours filtering them out. It's not the quantity that matters but the quality of people you meet. 

You should drop that long distance woman. She is a waste of your time. You're standing by like a puppy waiting for a cookie. Also, forget about multi dating. Just meet one woman at a time and concentrate on her for a couple of dates. If it doesn't work out then move to next. Women want to be the center of attention, they're not gonna go for a man that tells them he's dating around. 

[smackie9]

You can say "I'm looking for love." "Right now I am seeing what sticks." "When I see potential, I will clear the table, and focusing on them...Maybe that person could be you, so lets go out for a coffee and see where it takes us." 

[Gebidozo]

7 hours ago, max3732 said:

Dating as a man in his early 40's sure is fun.

I understand you’re being sarcastic, but my dating life in my 40’s has been way better than in my 20’s. I’m more confident, more successful, not as incorrigibly stupid in life, have more to offer. Most of my friends feel the same.

The working from home thing might be a problem, indeed. My work is extremely social, my professional environment is full of fascinating women. I never even needed to go outside of that milieu to find romance.

[Maldives]

On 10/16/2024 at 1:03 AM, max3732 said:

That's how I feel too. If I get 1 reply back from someone with an online app or site I don't think we're dating. I've also recently had a date set with a woman and then she unmatched me a day before. I don't think we were dating

I asked what she meant and answered about my situation of talking to a few people online. 

Her next reply was that I had asked her out before she was sick and she wants to make it clear when she goes out with someone she expects the man to not only pay for the meal, but for her ride share to/from the location if we don't meet within walking distance of where she lives. 

Her exact phrase was "I will not spend any money on the man nor spend any more going to the date... it is all his effort and my effort is my beautiful lovely company"

That seems a bit odd to me to say the least. Of course I was already planning on paying for the meal, but the place we're meeting has free parking. I'm guessing she doesn't have a car either?

People ask how I'm still single, but this is what I'm navigating with these dates. I'm a bit confused

With that kind of entitled response, it already tells you alot about this person her expectations. I wouldn't bother with her.