Did I muck up this first date, or was he just not into it?

[KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela]

So, this was a very straightforward dating situation, at least in comparison to so many that can crop up. 

Last weekend, this dude I met OLD, asked me out for Thursday. I really did appreciate and enjoy his forwardness. However, Thursday didn't work for me. But, I gave him 3 days that would be better, and ultimately with his work schedule and what not, we settled on yesterday. 

So, he asked about doing dinner; I suggested maybe we could do lunch/brunch instead. In my mind, a lunch/brunch date gave us more time to maybe prolong the date, go do something after, what not. I told him I'd think about it.....that I'd like to do a lunch date, but then I'd miss my team's football game.....so dinner was possible, that I would let him know. Ultimately, I told him I decided and settled on brunch/lunch. 

So, we met up at the restaurant, and conversation went well. He was cute. I think we are pretty different people, so I am not sure things would work out long-term. But, for a dating situation and see where things go? Sure. Anyway....conversation was easy....not awkward. Bear in mind, I had dolled myself up, and was looking and feeling pretty fine. 

So, a little over an hour after the date started...things were winding down. We had long finished our food, and were just chatting. And he said a couple of things sort of in passing. The first thing he said was, "Yeah, if you're ever around, we could hang out." But, then he moved on to another topic, so I really didn't have a chance to respond to that. Like I said, it was in passing, so I'm not entirely sure how much he meant it. So, then eventually, he is like..."Well, you need to get home to watch the game." Kind of the Midwest Goodbye, you could say. 

I was a little disappointed that he wasn't trying to extend the date, that he didn't want to go do anything or go anywhere else. And, I think I was a little surprised. So, I said something to the effect of, "Well, I have some errands to run, so I won't be going home right away; so I don't think I'll be home for the game." I was just trying to put it out there that I wasn't in any particular hurry. 

But, that didn't seem to generate any interest in keeping things going either. Now...yes, it's 2024. I know that I, as a woman, could have suggested something. I could have been the bold one. But...well I wasn't. I just sat there waiting for him to say, "Well actually...if ya wanna...." but it just never happened. 

So, as we are leaving the restaurant, I kept waiting for him to say something, but....once again....never happened. I probably should have said something like, "I had a really nice time." I did thank him for lunch. So, I figured he would walk me to my car so we were walking together, and then I noticed that he wasn't near me anymore, and he was headed to his car. He said something very non-commital. I can't even remember what it was.

Immediately after the date, I thought the end seemed kind of weird, and I was disappointed, but I convinced myself that I was overthinking things. Shortly thereafter, maybe 10-15 minutes later, he texted me, thanked me for coming out, and told me to drive home safe. I thought this was probably a good thing that I wasn't blocked, and communication lines seemed to be open.  I replied, thanking him, once again, for lunch. He "liked" my comment, but did not reply. So, then, when I got home a few hours later (not a long drive....I just had been running errands), I let him know I had made it home. Once again, he "Liked" my message, but no reply. 

So, at that point, I decided he was probably just not interested, and the previous message was out of politeness. I did sort of re-play the date, and try to analyze and see if there was anywhere I messed up or anything I could have done better or differently. But, I ultimately settled on....he was likely just not interested. 

I wasn't unmatched, and I wasn't blocked though. 

Well....this morning, he wished me a good morning. Which....it's not much, but...considering he could have just as well gone ghost or NC, I figured it was at least a decent sign. So, I replied, tried to get a conversation going, but I've not heard from him since. 

 

Should I do more to indicate I had a nice time, and enjoyed his company? Or is it too late for that, and now, I just have to wait it out and see what he does? 

Is there anywhere I went wrong, or is it more likely that he isn't interested? 

 

[Alpacalia]

I think he was just trying to be accommodating because you mentioned 1. a scheduling conflict and 2. your team's game.  I know it is so easy for us girls to get caught up in self-doubt/replay the date in our minds to pinpoint what "we did wrong."

But that is usually the habit of someone who is insecure.  

You could appreciate that he was being extra considerate of your needs and schedule during the date.  

I'm sure he already knows you had a nice time, you did thank him. If you had fun keep it light and text him every once in awhile.  Maybe he is busy or has things going on in his life, just feel it out.  Idk...maybe he was worried about coming off too strong or obnoxious and now is trying to play it cool.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

.that I'd like to do a lunch date, but then I'd miss my team's football game.

If a guy told me this, I would have been a little put off, honestly. It would read to me like someone who is probably not that keen if catching a game would be more important to them. 

2 hours ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

So, then eventually, he is like..."Well, you need to get home to watch the game." Kind of the Midwest Goodbye, you could say. 

I was a little disappointed that he wasn't trying to extend the date, that he didn't want to go do anything or go anywhere else.

Not sure what you expected here. You were the one to initially tell him lunch wouldn't work because you couldn't miss your team's game. That was a handy little excuse in case you didn't like him, no? Sounds like it backfired on you. Maybe he'd gone ahead and made another plan for the afternoon  in light of you having already told him you didn't want to miss this game. In the future, don't do that if you don't actually intend to go and watch the game. 

2 hours ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

So, I replied, tried to get a conversation going, but I've not heard from him since. 

But you said he only just texted you this morning, no? I think you're getting ahead of yourself. If you want to see him again, come out and say so. See how he responds. Then you will know if this one is a dead-end. 
 

Edited 18 hours ago by ExpatInItaly

[basil67]

You figured that he'd walk to to your car and then you found him heading in the other direction.  Did he say goodbye and thank you for the date? Or did he just vanish without a goodbye?

[introverted1]

8 hours ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

I think we are pretty different people, so I am not sure things would work out long-term.

What is he looking for?  If it's a relationship, then perhaps he also felt as you did and realises it's best to move on.

Also, this is confusing:

8 hours ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

So, he asked about doing dinner; I suggested maybe we could do lunch/brunch instead. In my mind, a lunch/brunch date gave us more time to maybe prolong the date, go do something after, what not. I told him I'd think about it.....that I'd like to do a lunch date, but then I'd miss my team's football game.....so dinner was possible, that I would let him know. Ultimately, I told him I decided and settled on brunch/lunch. 

You countered his dinner offer with a suggestion for lunch/brunch so you would have more time together, but also said you didn't want to do lunch/brunch because it would interfere with a game you wanted to watch. This all makes you sound flighty and very low interest. 

[Sony12]

The endings of first dates are often a little awkward because often times mere politeness can be seen as interest. We never really know how interested someone is until the date is over and we see what the post date communication is like. In this situation if he were that interested he would have brought up you two getting together again by now. 

[Gaeta]

10 hours ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

So, I figured he would walk me to my car so we were walking together, and then I noticed that he wasn't near me anymore, and he was headed to his car.

I would not be interested in a man doing that. That would have turned me off. This is a lack of basic courtesy. Even men not interested in me would walk me to my car, it's the gentleman thing to do with a lady.

You should think less about why he doesn't like you and think more about why should you like him. 

[KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela]

10 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I think he was just trying to be accommodating because you mentioned 1. a scheduling conflict and 2. your team's game.  I know it is so easy for us girls to get caught up in self-doubt/replay the date in our minds to pinpoint what "we did wrong."

But that is usually the habit of someone who is insecure.  

You could appreciate that he was being extra considerate of your needs and schedule during the date.  

I'm sure he already knows you had a nice time, you did thank him. If you had fun keep it light and text him every once in awhile.  Maybe he is busy or has things going on in his life, just feel it out.  Idk...maybe he was worried about coming off too strong or obnoxious and now is trying to play it cool.

 

Yes, this is the factor that I re-play in my mind most of all. And, I know I've been criticized for this and....well, fair. 

But, honestly, we talk about football a lot. So, it didn't seem unusual for me to mention the game when figuring out a Sunday date. 

Now, I thought it was clear....but maybe it wasn't, that when I chose the lunch option for the date, it meant that I was choosing to forego the game. When we were hashing out the details for the date, I mentioned for pros and cons....the lunch con would be missing the game. So, like I said...I just thought it was inferred that by choosing the lunch option...I was okay with missing the game. 

Now...could I have caught the second half? Sure. 

But, that's why I told him that I was running errands and would be around. So, he would know I wasn't going home to catch the second half. 

Also, theoretically....we could have gone to a bar for a drink or he could have invited me to his house to watch the second half of the game. So, since that wasn't offered either, I have to imagine that it was used as an excuse, but really....he just wasn't into me. 

 

I dunno. 

[KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela]

1 hour ago, Sony12 said:

The endings of first dates are often a little awkward because often times mere politeness can be seen as interest. We never really know how interested someone is until the date is over and we see what the post date communication is like. In this situation if he were that interested he would have brought up you two getting together again by now. 

 

Yeah I mean...

 

I had pretty much settled on the fact that he wasn't interested, based on his post-date communication. 

But, then, he wished me good morning, when he really had no need to, so I found myself confused. 

Unless his plan was to tell me he wasn't interested, and maybe he chickened out. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

I thought it was clear....but maybe it wasn't, that when I chose the lunch option for the date, it meant that I was choosing to forego the game

That would not have been clear to me, unless you came out and said so. 

3 minutes ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

But, that's why I told him that I was running errands and would be around. So, he would know I wasn't going home to catch the second half.

So why not just come out and say that? You danced around this and I am not sure why. He can't read your mind. Running errands and what bot also isn't really a clear indicator that you are otherwise free to continue spending time together. 

Next time, be more clear with your intentions and your plan for the day. He doesn't sound overly interested anyway, but you could also benefit from being more straightforward and not hinting at things, expecting the guy to know what you want. 

 

[Gaeta]

11 hours ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

So, I replied, tried to get a conversation going, but I've not heard from him since. 

That supports:  he is not so much interested. He's probably one of those guys keeping contact with not-interested dates just for chats, attention, maybe random sex. 

A man that was interested in you would not get his mind all wrapped around details like did she or did she not want to catch her game. He would have made it clear he liked you and would have spoken about meeting again. 

[Sony12]

9 minutes ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

 

Yeah I mean...

 

I had pretty much settled on the fact that he wasn't interested, based on his post-date communication. 

But, then, he wished me good morning, when he really had no need to, so I found myself confused. 

Unless his plan was to tell me he wasn't interested, and maybe he chickened out. 

 

Probably a good chance he's just looking for some sex. He mentioned you two 'hanging out'. That's often what 'hanging out' implies.

[KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela]

Update:

He just messaged me and asked if I was busy tomorrow night. 

No "hi how are you." No "I enjoyed getting to know you and would like to see you again." 

 

How shall I move forward? Ideas?

[ExpatInItaly]

Do you want to see him again? 

If so, tell him you're not busy. Don't get hung up on wording. You seem like you're looking for reasons to convince yourself he's a dud. Are you? 

[KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela]

Am I a dud? Haha maybe. 

Just trying to gauge his interest, that's all. I mean....he is asking me out again, so there must be minor interest, but like some other posters have said....it doesn't really seem like there is much interest there. 

So. I'm just confused, that's all. 

[Sony12]

6 minutes ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

Am I a dud? Haha maybe. 

Just trying to gauge his interest, that's all. I mean....he is asking me out again, so there must be minor interest, but like some other posters have said....it doesn't really seem like there is much interest there. 

So. I'm just confused, that's all. 

 

What are you looking for from this guy and dating in general currently? Are you just looking for some fun and potentially an attractive guy to go to bed with or are you looking to establish something more real.

As of this point the guy doesn't really seem like he actually wants to get into a relationship (if he did he wouldn't be unresponsive). He's likely talking to a few ladies right now.

 

 

[Alpacalia]

16 minutes ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

Update:

He just messaged me and asked if I was busy tomorrow night. 

No "hi how are you." No "I enjoyed getting to know you and would like to see you again." 

 

How shall I move forward? Ideas?

What did he propose for your second date?

[Sony12]

Just now, Alpacalia said:

What did he propose for your second date?

Looks like all he said was that he'd like to see her again.

[KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela]

2 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

What did he propose for your second date?

I haven't replied yet, so....not sure?

 

1 minute ago, Sony12 said:

Looks like all he said was that he'd like to see her again.

 

Well...not even that much. Just asked if I had anything going on tomorrow night. 

[Sony12]

If you don't really want to just tell him you don't feel the chemistry between you two.

[Alpacalia]

15 minutes ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

I haven't replied yet, so....not sure?

 

 

Well...not even that much. Just asked if I had anything going on tomorrow night. 

Don't make it so complicated. It is early days. See what he proposes for a second date.

[Leihla_B]

1 hour ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

Now, I thought it was clear....but maybe it wasn't, that when I chose the lunch option for the date, it meant that I was choosing to forego the game.

Nope. There was nothing clear about that. You put the bookend on the date by saying you wanted to catch the game, which sounded like you may have had plans with others for that. So when you chose the brunch, he honored your time limit and probably made other plans of his own for after your date.

Quote

But, that's why I told him that I was running errands and would be around. So, he would know I wasn't going home to catch the second half. 

Naaah, you just came off as flakey. It's best not to run all kinds of vacillating stuff in front of accepting a time for a date. You sounded indecisive and difficult, and then at the last minute said you were ditching your own plan of watching the game. That's pretty hed-sped.

If you're interested in seeing the guy again, you'll need to say so. Otherwise, he has no idea what to make of your behavior.

Edited 9 hours ago by Leihla_B

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

.he is asking me out again, so there must be minor interest, but like some other posters have said....it doesn't really seem like there is much interest there

This doesn't need to be complicated. 

He's obviously got some interest or he wouldn't be asking you if you are busy. Why play mind gamaes with yourself? If you'd like to see him again, do so. It would only be a second date so it's not like either of you are signing on the dotted line. 

Also, you have already given off mixed signals yourself, what with saying you were going to watch the game / running errands. You haven't been clear about your interest either, so maybe try to cut this guy a little slack on that.