lying boyfriend

[veg]

i really don't know where to begin. Our relationship has been on rocky ground for awhile due to resentments i have gained through 2 years of dealing with my partners destructive crack addiction. Now that he has been 7 months clean other issues have popped up. He has been using the internet to boost his ego by contacting women he doesn't know, and women from the past. I have read his emails and they are not of the nature of someone that is living with another women who he supposedly "loves". I am very hurt, and distraught by this sick behavoir, because even when i asked him flat out, he has denied it. Of course i told him he is an idiot for lying, but should i ever trust him again.? I think if i stay with him i am just inviting for him to do this again. I think it has to do with his addiction and need for ego fulfillment, but that makes me feel very unsatisfactory and even useless. I want to do whats best for me and he has agreed to go to couples counselling. Thats a good start, but i am intrested to hear others view on this.

 

He blames me for being so resentful and driving him to other means to make him feel better. I do not believe there is any excuse for this behavoir, and there are others ways of confronting an issue especially if your going to break the boundaries of trust.

 

thanks for listening

[midori]

Of course i told him he is an idiot

for lying, but should i ever trust him again.?

I think you answer your own question a bit further on.

I think if i stay with him i am just inviting for him to do this again.

I agree.

 

I think it has to do

with his addiction and need for ego fulfillment, but that makes me feel very unsatisfactory and even useless.

Doesn't matter why he does it, what matters is that it makes you feel "very unsatifactory and even useless" -- as it would most people. Bravo for having such insight into your partner's destructive behavior, but don't use that insight to excuse the hurt he's causing you. There is no excuse for that.

 

I want to do whats best for me and

he has agreed to go to couples counselling. Thats a good start, but i am intrested to hear others view on this.

I would agree that counseling is a good start, except that:

He blames me for being so resentful and driving him to other means to make him feel better.

This does not sound to me like a person who is going into counseling with an open mind, prepared to hear constructive criticism and ready to make necessary changes.

I do not believe there is any excuse for this behavoir, and there are others ways of confronting an issue especially if your going to break the boundaries of trust.

I'm afraid that this answers your first question. He's already broken your trust and it doesn't sound like he's prepared to accept responsibility for his own behavior, which strongly suggests to me that he'll continue to lie when it suits him.

 

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. It must have taken a lot of strength and courage and faith to stick with a drug addict and help him through recovery. It must be heartbreaking to find that a new demon has appeared on the scene to replace the drugs. I can only imagine that you must be enormously hurt by your partner's childish, churlish attitude and his treacherous online activities. Speaking as a person who is drawn to difficult men (god knows why) I've got to say that this one looks like a lost cause. He doesn't want to be happy with you. He wants to go on creating misery in his life and for anyone foolish enough to be with him. It doesn't matter why and I'd be willing to bet there's nothing you could say or do that would get him to "see the light." He's on his own little rocky path and will only seek a better road when he's ready to. It might not be easy for you to extricate yourself from this tangled relationship but I think it would be for the best if you did.

 

But whatever you decide to do, I wish you luck.

 

-midori

[Tony T]

There really isn't any excuse for his behavior. If he's not happy with you for some reason and the two of you can't work things out, he should break up with you before pursuing ladies on the Internet or elsewhere.

 

Discuss this with him further and clarify things. Ask him exactly what it is you are doing that bothers him. If you don't feel his gripes are legitimate or if you don't think you can change, hit the road.

 

In any case, don't live with a guy who is cheating on you on a daily basis on the Internet.

[sparkle]

What makes you still want to be with him, after all this?

 

He had a drug habit. That was the first MAJOR red flag. The second you found out that he was on crack, you should've dumped his butt and moved on. That was just something you should never have been dealing with.

 

He's an adult. He's a big boy. He can take care of himself.

 

The second red flag was him spending time on the internet and meeting other women. That should've made you realize, hey..I deserve better.

 

Goto couples counseling if you think you two can work these problems out. But whether or not you put in a 100% effort is not going to matter unless he does the same. And do you think he willing to put in his 150% to make things work out?

 

If you don't see results soon, get out of this relationship. There are MANY guys out there that haven't abused drugs, or guys that aren't recovering druggies. Also, there are many guys out there that are faithful to their girlfriend and don't go seeking other women.