She thought about it after break up, decided to stick with it, but seeing each other tomorrow last time

[Dash23]

Been a while, LoveShack, and unfortunately with a disheartening break up (I will write a quick Cliff Notes version at the bottom for anyone who doesn’t want to read my cathartic long novel of details!) …

44 myself and GF is 36, dating 16 months, and things have deteriorated over the last several months - majority of which is my fault as I do enjoy my solo peace and comfort as well, which she realizes. She recently mentioned she felt she’s at her breaking point and things that she wanted me to think about yet again: That she’d be moving 30 mins away, we can’t share her main hobby (boating since I sometimes get vertigo and just don’t try often), We haven’t travelled since over a year ago, I haven’t stayed over at her place many times in the last several months because I live 4 minutes away and often choose to sleep at home as her bed hurts my back sometimes and the dog is in her bed too. We haven’t been having sex, she jokingly also reminded me that I didn’t trust her to share our bank info (she asked me like 3 months into which I obviously didn’t agree with that early), and how there will be a lot of animals in her life and that she doesn’t want me to just tolerate them, but to help fostering them, volunteering and such.  She says it really sucks because of the comfort and how much fun we have together but it’s feeling like a friendship.

Unfortunately, we didn’t get a chance to talk in person properly yet and within a few days she actually texted to break up saying if it were going to work it would have already and that she thinks we’re lying to ourselves if we think things will improve. She feels nothing is changing and that I just agree with what she says and then do nothing to change. She needed to stop this cycle because there are plenty of chances for us to make things work and we haven’t done it.

Obviously I was quite shocked this was simply happening over text instead, and I wrote that I do still have a lot to say and I’d hate for it to simply end right here this instant. She replied that she strongly feels that there isnt’ anything that would change her mind at this point in time. That she can’t let her fall into the pattern of men making promises they never fulfill and noted her ex of 9 years doing so and that she’d be doing herself a disservice if she kept doing that. She thinks that deep down if I truly wanted this I’d have shown it by now and maybe I don’t realize that it’s not what I want.

Next day I wrote her and said I didn’t anticipate that would happen over text and how I was planning to talk to her in person and if we could talk to which she agreed, and we spent a couple hours together at her place this past Thursday. I actually had something I wrote because I wanted to start on a positive note and it was highlighting fun moments and memories, and things that show what we have in common and share. I went in telling her I wasn’t planning on just agreeing that things need to get better and that I had seriously thought about it all. That her moving 29 minutes away wasn’t a big deal and that I’d simply be sleeping over more often, how I’d do so now even during the week to try, look into medication for boating and that I haven’t got sick all that often the times I’ve went. I mentioned how our new jobs in education have the same holidays and that makes it perfect for traveling as we’ve both lived abroad and love it.

 I did tell her we could look into trying new things and developing new hobbies together as well which we put to the wayside it felt.  I mentioned how my benefits covers counselling and I’d love to get in to see why I keep letting these things happen. That even sharing bank account details at this point of dating was fine and we’d clearly have peace of mind that we could build a future financially. I talked about sex and how it used to be amazing and highlighted things we did and how we need to get back to it and get comfortable communicating more. Most importantly I told her I respect her decision of having to “break the cycle” and for her to stay true to that, I suggested that I’d love to plan a fun date night, start fresh, set a date of November 31st and check in then. All in all she was surprised I had all this ability to open up and become that vulnerable but upset also because “where was this before”.

There was some handholding, we even kissed for a while and a massive hug. But that could all be because it’s the ‘last goodbye’ as much as anything else, who knows. I did politely say if we can keep it reasonable for when she decides or that too long and it’ll simply feel like she’s just feeling out better options. I also asked that she promised we’d talk about it in person, which she did.  We agreed the odd text was fine, and I said if she texted first the next day it’d make my day, which she did.  I quickly initiated a text the next day after myself, but Sunday and today we haven’t texted nor wished each other happy thanksgiving or anything.

We talked briefly today on the phone about when we may meet up and she said before her moms bday event, which I knew was obviously bad news so we just agreed on the heads up that she considered everything seriously, felt I was genuine, and if the foundation had been better to start that it may have been different and that trying for another 2-4 weeks would ultimately be fruitless if it may just get worse in half a year again, especially if it hasn’t happened already.

I am seeing her tomorrow, obviously for the last time (without any hope of convincing her, which she said she’s open to) and will aim to keep it light while touching on where we could have done better and for our future relationships.  I did tell her obviously we’d be going no contact but that if it feels right that’d she’d want to reach out, or even a drunken shenanigans call one day ( I know, bad idea!) that of course right now I’d love it to happen currently.

Thoughts on this mess? Was it not meant to be, am I f’d up and need counselling on why I let it deteriorate with such an incredible girl? I feel I’m going to reel in this “what if” and “what’s wrong with me” stage for months now…

TLDR Cliff Notes

-          Girlfriend (36) and myself (44) broke up after 16 months

-          Reoccurring problems she’s brought up several times and brought it up recently

-          Feels I always just agree but do nothing to change

-          That ultimately if I wanted it deepdown I would have done these things already

-          Unfortunately broke up with me over text before I could have a big chat about changes

-          She said she had to break the cycle of men making unfulfilled promises (as her ex did it for 9 years with her)

-          Talked in person after, went in fighting for her and and how we could work on everything realistically, how I’ve never made a promise yet and that this was a promise on proactivity and proposed a fresh date night and going for 6ish weeks and checking in end of November that way she wouldn’t break the integrity of stopping the cycle as she noted above

-          I also made it politely clear I appreciated she took accountability for blame too and that we both had to improve on many things

-          She was surprised I had the vulnerability and intimacy piece but upset also that it was now

-          Long kisses, hugs after the in person meet, gave her space to decide for a few days and we’d connect in person again

-          Talked on phone today, she ultimately decided if it would have worked it would have as it shouldn’t be so hard

-          Seeing her tomorrow still as we promised but now obviously to keep it lighter and not convince her since she’s made up her mind (will be the good bye unfortunately)

-          Am I beating myself up that it’s a huge me problem or should it have been much easier and I probably truly don’t want it as she says? I had even told her during my fight for her moment I don’t know all the answers yet why I held out that I want to use my benefits for counselling to find out more

-          It’s a done deal but anything else I should touch on tomorrow during our last hang out to leave it in a good light? I will have to move on but hoping to leave a strong last impression.

[S2B]

It seems like a waste of time to meet with her. She made her position perfectly clear yet you aren’t accepting that she stands firm on what she does and you do the same.

for what it’s worth - when a woman isn’t really wanting to do anything possible to see you and have sex with you - she isn’t that interested. 

The meet up is a time waster. You know you don’t want to change - you have loads of reasons why you won’t stay the night with her.

you seem like you aren’t a good match. Why aren’t you just moving forward? Meeting is useless.

[basil67]

Unless you have physical items to return, do not meet up with her tomorrow.  There's really no point and it will be weird and awkward.  I know you want to leave things in a good light, but you're not going to be able to change her memories of you or the relationship.