She thought about it after break up, decided to stick with it, but seeing each other tomorrow last time

[Dash23]

 

On 10/22/2024 at 2:16 AM, Acacia98 said:

I feel like you're not being completely honest with yourself. Based on the little bits of information you've shared in this thread, it sounds like she basically wanted to be with someone who you weren't.

I think she wanted to be with someone who I could reasonably become in certain facets of the relationship that were quite realistically attainable given how comparable we were in so many ways. In my experience, the whole boating thing (and community of boating) often stems from people who grew up with boats and it's ingrained in their DNA with regards to their passion for it, to which they understand others won't be as absolutely die hard about. The same can be often said about animals too. I did have a cat so I do have an affinity for them in particular and feel these things could have been worked on as long as we continued to try sharing other hobbies of mine also or new discovered hobbies altogether. 

 

On 10/22/2024 at 2:16 AM, Acacia98 said:

For example, you have vertigo; you don't like being on the water. She wants to be with someone who enjoys being on the water as much as her. For you to be that person, you would have to force yourself to do something that fills you with apprehension and take medication. Me, personally, I wouldn't want someone I was with to take medication in order to do something I enjoy. I'd either let him be and find something else we can enjoy together or end the relationship and look for someone else who would enjoy the same hobby as me wholeheartedly.

I could envision myself enjoying it 1-2 times a week especially given that her new house would only be 10 mins from where her boat and the water is (and it's only during the warm months of the year anyhow) With that being said, I don't think the boating thing would have been as big of an issue if I was making certain commitments elsewhere...hence why the lack of us boating together gets further amplified. I did only get vertigo once after all, and medication would probably be rare and only taken ahead on those really choppy water days. What I'm struggling with understanding is my resistance to it so often when ultimately I'd be spending time with her which is the key point and she always said she'd just love it if I came on her boat with her. Once she started inviting many of my friends and realized many aren't big into boats and do get sea sickness, she backed off asking as much for a while (which kind of gave me an out and I took it for granted). But it ultimately was disappointing for her, and I remember months back her pretending to jokingly say "I got to get you out more on the water if I'm going to keep you around." But alas...here I am regretting not attempting it more often.

 

On 10/22/2024 at 2:16 AM, Acacia98 said:

And then there's the love for animals thing. She's clearly super-enthusiastic about our furry friends. You sound like you're okay with them but wouldn't move heaven and earth to rescue or foster them. And you know what? That's fine. You cannot force yourself to be enthusiastic about pets. That's not how emotions work, my friend. It's okay to be who you are.

I get it about not being able to force the enthusiasm, but I strongly feel that I could have learned to be more nurturing and in turn, enthusiastic about them. Especially considering we don't want kids, it felt the perfect compromise that would be ultimately rewarding with regards to volunteering/fostering from time to time. During our last talk she mentioned that she "thinks I'm really trying to convince myself about the animals" because when she did foster animals I only helped out the one time taking them. My issue was also being greedy with my comforts early in the relationship basically saying "hey you signed up for these sleepless nights" to which she said "this could be an issue in the future". I remember back then when that came up early in the relationship, I simply said "I just can't sleep with a dog in the bed over night" which seemed reasonable to her. I'd actually often go let out her own dog a few times during the week while she worked her night shifts (since I live 4 minutes away) and the dog and I had our little moments. I really should have started taking her dog on walks and such to get more involved with the animals to see if I could naturally appreciate/build the enthusiasm for it more. It seems I naturally resisted these ideas for too long (because they were her animals and we were still building the relationship) until it was too late and the sample size she saw from me was enough to make her think I might never be able to do it. When I fought for her before she decided against reconciling the break up, I told her I wanted to start taking her dog to the dog park on my own and becoming a part of that community, but I guess I'll never know now if that's something that would have helped. 

 

On 10/22/2024 at 2:16 AM, Acacia98 said:

It also sounds like her home might not have been quite a comfortable space for you and, hence, you felt the need to go back to your own home and rest. Maybe hers was not quiet enough for your needs. Maybe it was not physically comfortable for you. In either case, you would understandably want to to back to your home to sleep.

I felt her place was quite comfy but it obviously didn't have some of my at home comforts/things I like to do during downtime. My friend who has similar issues to me with dating mentioned that it also has to do with us being used to 'having our own stuff at our own house" especially when we hit the points of boredom. So we like to get back to these things often as well. Or for example if she may pass out early on her own bed, it's like I may as well be at my own place watching whatever I want to or doing whatever I'd like to on my computer in the meantime or something along those lines. 

 

On 10/22/2024 at 2:16 AM, Acacia98 said:

I don't know much about the rest of your relationship. But I feel like if I tried to do some of the things you did for the course of your relationship (i.e. to fit into her world and be her ideal guy), I would be mentally exhausted. I wouldn't be in a frame of mind to have regular sex, I would need to retreat back to my home after spending a day with her, I would be "detached", etc.

Yeah, although I frequently saw her when we could, I often times wouldn't spend a full day with her as you noted above, especially with living so close. And it started not feeling like quality time together to her or that I wasn't 'present' when I was there. Living too close may have been a curse for being able to "in and out"... but more on that later.

 

On 10/22/2024 at 2:16 AM, Acacia98 said:

In short, I think you were incompatible. She was clearly looking for a particular kind of guy and you weren't that guy. So the right thing to do is accept that you are incompatible. Somewhere down the road, I think you need to spend time trying to understand who you are and respecting that. And you should also devote time to figuring out what kind of woman you want to be with and what a relationship between two loving people who appreciate and accept each other as they truly are looks like.

I'm not so sure if it was incompatible as much as it may be that I am an "avoidant" in terms of my attachment style that I am coming to realize after the last week and a half (of learning about these attachment styles), which makes it even worse since I feel that's why I may have been so resistant.

 

On 10/15/2024 at 6:07 PM, S2B said:

You know you don’t want to change - you have loads of reasons why you won’t stay the night with her.

I think I may have missed this the first time through...but respectfully....no...I don't want to not change. I don't want to eternally avoidant like this, hence why I started counselling last week, have got books, audiobooks, talked to our social worker, talked to nearly all my friends individually, my sister, I'm meeting with our work team's Psychologist etc. 

On 10/23/2024 at 12:57 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

Meh, doubt it.  Not everything is related to trauma. I think this woman simply lost patience with you, lost feelings for you, and didn't want to waste 6 more weeks. She was smart about that, actually. I also would have declined the idea of "trying" for another 6 weeks when I'd already tried for moths and saw no progress. It was too late by then. Trauma has nothing to do with it. 

As much as it hurts, I completely agree with you on her thoughts there about not continuing.  And what our social worker meant after clarifying is that if it wasn't for her previous 9 year relationship trauma and depending on what her security/and or value on importance of relationships would have been at the time otherwise, she may have been more likely to be like 'what's 6 more weeks". But of course, she learned from her previous mistakes of letting that guy let her down for so long so she's extra sensitive to it as she mentioned and has to break the cycle. It was interesting to hear from the Social Worker but kind of a roundabout way of saying the same thing that she felt it would be 'a waste of time' to continue given what she knows and truly feels at this point in time.

 

On 10/23/2024 at 3:36 AM, Acacia98 said:

that only makes sense if your fundamental identity closely complements the other person's. If you're not truly compatible, you will be able to live up to their hopes and expectations for a limited amount of time, and then afterwards, your true identity will start to show. The other person will resent you for changing when, in reality, you're being your true self. And if you don't know yourself very well, you may find yourself wondering why you can no longer muster up the enthusiasm to do the things that used to make her happy.

All this to say I think you're a bit of a people pleaser and it would do you a world of good to figure out who you truly are and what you truly want before entering a relationship with someone. It would also be good to learn to check in with yourself regularly to get a sense of how you feel about something/someone and if a relationship isn't working for you.

I feel like we were very compatible/comparable in so many ways but that as I learn more about this avoidant attachment style that it has more to do with that in terms of keeping her at 'arms length' (although I really hope I'm wrong about this because it's driving me crazy). The part of knowing myself also scares me since as I get older now and as she mentioned (she sees I really seem to value my peace and comfort) and it makes me realize, has my life just been on easy peaceful mode for so long and on top of being an avoidant attachment style, I don't want to try and implement these new reasonable compromises and rewarding challenges that are necessary for an awesome girl/relationship I had to thrive??? I wish I was more of an actual people pleaser as that's very kind of you to say, but I don't think that could be any further from the truth especially after digging deeper in the last week with what I feel I've been learning and also about attachment styles.

On 10/23/2024 at 4:37 PM, Leihla_B said:

Yes! Instead of focusing on pleasing a potential partner, you'll be evaluating whether she is realistically a good match for you. This is how to avoid misleading anyone about who you really are, only to end up unable to operate as that particular model of perfection and then blaming yourself for that. 

Head high, we all tend to learn this stuff the hard way.

I'm really struggling with this and hoping I can truthfully believe this was the actual reasoning with her and the relationship coming to an end. Because she truthfully is the best match out of all the relationships I've ever had and the only one I fought for after the fact because I honestly believe it wholeheartedly. I've been no contact for 10 days now and even though it's been a busy week, it is the only thing that has consumed my mind regardless of what I'm doing.... 

Edited October 30, 2024 by Dash23

[Gebidozo]

While understanding yourself and becoming a better potential partner and a better person in general is highly valuable and important, I don’t think you should spend so much time and effort trying to figure out what you could have done to make it work with your ex. The bottom line here is that it did not work, period. Undoubtedly, your issues were a part of that. Her issues were a part. Your feelings, her feelings, your mutual compatibility level, timing, circumstances, - there are countless factors. It’s over and you can’t replay that part of your life like a restored video game session from the latest save. Stop torturing yourself and move on. 

[Dash23]

After 30+ days of no contact, to my surprise she sent me a text even if it was neutral territory, which I didn't expect given how heavy I was upon our breakup closure discussions not long ago.  I'll get into that after as I also wanted to ask people in this thread for some unrelated suggestions that may have helped them out. 

I've been getting active again (in the gym, basketball, pickleball), saw a Naturopath to help fine tune my general health, got more into physio for injuries, been reconnecting with some old friends and I just finished my 6th session with a Therapist who specializes in EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) as I'm trying to learn/rewire my patterning, which seems to be heavily Dismissive Avoidant - I need to work on this for future romantic relationships and even relationships with other people in general, which may include friends and family. 

Books/Audiobooks I've finished since my breakup include:

-  Attached (Amir Levine & Rachel Heller)

- The Breakup Manual for Men (Andrew Ferebee)

- When You're Ready, This Is How You Heal (Brianna Wiest)

- The Mountain Is You (Brianna Wiest)

- Single on Purpose (John Kim)

- I think I'll now get Atomic Habits by James Clear

_________________________________________________________

Healing and discovering/or rediscovering oneself isn't easy so I'm curious if anyone has any books, audiobooks, or suggestions about anything else in general that really helped them out?

As for the Ex, I got called for last minute emergency Supply Teacher work (this past Friday) and low and behold of all schools, it happened to be hers where she is a secretary and first and last point of contact for everyone entering the building. She was surprised to see me, and we exchanged some quick jokes while I had to sign equipment out for my duties. Of course, she was looking amazing, and although I knew I shouldn't, I was damn tempted when returning the equipment to her to quickly also ask how her big house move went and to even shoot me an update on it sometime.  luckily, it was too busy in the office with people waiting, so we kept it quick on the exchange and gave each other a wive. 

She ended up texting me later that night asking me if my classes destroyed me (since they are bad classrooms). I responded that luckily, they didn't, and I just kept it to answers about her work and talked about the school.

My therapist asked me how her reaching out to text me made me feel and if it happened to stir any emotions in me that there may be a path back. I told him it was nice that she felt comfortable enough after 30+ days of no contact to reach out and talk about something that was safe neutral territory. I said as much as it would have been great to it leading to an eventual catch-up drink or something down the road, that I wasn't delusional in thinking that was the case even if I was surprised that she texted since she didn't need to about how my day at her work went. I also told him I still have so much work to do on myself to heal, that even if we did reconcile it would never work as I stand in my current state. And I told him, it won't happen anyhow since her memories of me are so ingrained about our relationship that she would never want to revisit it given how it deteriorated.

 

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

Good to hear you're making progress.

I think your ex touching base after your workday was merely a friendly gesture on her part. No, she didn't need to ask - but you were also an important person to her and it's not as though she has contempt for you. I see it as a neutral peace offering, especially since you were in the same workplace for the day. It was smart to leave it there and not try to make more of a conversation out of it. 

Head high, OP. You're doing well. 

[Dash23]

 

I just found out I'll be working at the end of the day again this Friday at her school like that last time. I work my regular job right before that as per usual where my work location often has tonnes of fun food and snacks supplied. Then I drive less than 5 minutes around the corner to her work - she’s a foodie and I thought it'd be a nice gesture if I simply texted her to tell her that I'll be making my way over and ask her if she wanted me to bring her any snacks before we pack them away at my regular job for the day. I wasn't planning to try and small talk her though while going in and out, just a quick hello and sign in and out as per usual.  It just feels like a nice thing to do.

When I told one of my friends she said "snacks are always well received" whereas when I mentioned it to another friend she said "no snacks, that'll make it appear like you're on her mind/thinking about her, etc."

My ex was kind enough to text me the last time I got called into to her work to see how my work afternoon went at her school where we kept it just about brief work chat.  I figured it was simply a nice authentic thing to text her and ask before going in, but I tend to agree with my second friend that I shouldn't?  So dumb as it's so trivial but I wanted to get your guys thoughts... 

On 11/27/2024 at 3:07 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

Good to hear you're making progress.

Head high, OP. You're doing well. 

Thanks, on paper I may sound like I'm doing well based on my last post but it's rough and often consumes my thoughts. This past Sunday was rough having nonstop thoughts about her and the loss of the relationship. And it's been continuing throughout the week heavier again. 

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, Dash23 said:

I thought it'd be a nice gesture if I simply texted her to tell her that I'll be making my way over and ask her if she wanted me to bring her any snacks

No. Don't do this. 

You need to work on letting go, and this is not letting go. This is still looking for some way to hang on. I get that you want it to seem like a friendly gesture, and she may receive it that way, but this is about you. Not her. You will not be able to move on if you continue to try to connect with her in any way. This will set you back. 

At most, say hello when you see her and be on your way. 

[Dash23]

Hello folks,

Quick little update and here to garner strength from you all again, which I always appreciate.

Time flies, it’s been roughly 3 months since the breakup (I just counted, actually 87 days since I last initiated any contact to her). The only exception to this, as I mentioned about a month and a half ago is when I coincidentally had to work at her school location and saw her - she texted me later that night to ask how the work shift went. I kept it to only chat about work stuff. 

On 12/5/2024 at 2:29 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

No. Don't do this. 

You need to work on letting go, and this is not letting go. This is still looking for some way to hang on. I get that you want it to seem like a friendly gesture, and she may receive it that way, but this is about you. Not her. You will not be able to move on if you continue to try to connect with her in any way. This will set you back. 

At most, say hello when you see her and be on your way. 

As for this, I decided against the snack offer gesture when I was supposed to go into her work again for a 2nd time in early December. I didn't end up seeing her this day anyhow since it was a snow day that closed all schools for the day. 

Fast forward to today - she texted me in case I was interested in working the last hour of today if nobody picked up the full day shift to cover it. Nobody ending up picking up the full day, so I told her I was good to go for the last hour and she input me for the quick shift.  I went in and did the usual sign and got my teacher equipment, kept it light and asked her how the day went so far, and she asked me how my earlier students were from my other job. (of course, she looked hot again like the last time I saw her at work, why can't she happen to be wearing one of her less flattering outfits by chance lol). 

So the last time I randomly ended up working at her location about a month and a half ago, I definitely was tempted to small talk and ask her how her house move went (I’ll admit, I even purposely returned my equipment to her office a few minutes later in hopes she wouldn't be as busy so I could do so....but it was busy and I didn't get a chance to small talk, for my sake probably for the best I'm sure). And as mentioned above, that's when she texted later that night to ask how the shift went, which was kind her, and I stayed away from house talk or personal stuff and kept it only work chat as mentioned.

But today I decided to get the equipment back as soon as the bell rang, while it was busier and thank her quickly for the shift so I can be on my way. Of course, by fluke her office was quiet with just her haha, and I told her thanks a lot and that I owe her (she knows that I get paid a hefty half day wages for 1 hour of work, so of course I appreciated that she cherry picked me by text to take it instead of it going to another random teacher). She joked and said I should give her half the money, and I made a laughing remark back and told her we'll chat later and left quick.

I’m not going to lie, it was definitely tempting to laughingly reply to her instead that ‘perhaps a work gossip lunch or dinner on me down the road for the favors’. Hell, I know I may be tempted to say that if she cherry picks me again as it's easy money. There was even a small part of me that wanted to text her thanks and that I will get her back for the favor as it means a lot to me. But I'm 3 months strong no texting so I and I don't want to set myself back. But I'm sure I'll be very tempted the next time she texts me to work, and I see her in person to make this gesture!

Steer me strong, Loveshack, as even though it's a passive invite gesture without directly asking her if she wants to, that I shouldn't do it!

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

Whether you make jokey small talk with her or offer to return the favour isn't going to the move the dial in your favour anyway, OP. 

Isn't it obvious by now that she doesn't want to get back together? You would know if she did. She's being friendly and kind, but I don't see any indication that this is anything more than her being on okay terms with an ex. She is likely just relieved there's no outward animostiy or awkwardness between you two. That's all. 

You really need to let go, man. The door closed 3 months ago. 

Edited January 16 by ExpatInItaly

[Achelois]

Hi Dash23

I’m just wondering if your girlfriend isn’t being 100% honest and she decided to break up because she feels like she isn’t going anywhere with you. I think she could be expecting  to get married, move together and to have children, I’m thinking so just because she is 36 and she’d have to make that decision soon, biological clock. Have you guys talked about the future when you were ok? 

She could be feeling that she wasted 9 years with her ex and she is wasting more time with you, if she wants to start a family, it’s not every woman’s dream, but it could be an option. 

Edited January 16 by Achelois

[Dash23]

On 1/16/2025 at 4:13 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

Isn't it obvious by now that she doesn't want to get back together? You would know if she did.

You really need to let go, man. The door closed 3 months ago. 

It's obvious and yes, we would all know if our exes were wanting to get back together with us. And as much as I've accepted that it's done, unfortunately I can't "Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind" these lingering feelings 3 months later. I think her inviting me to take the job 3 months after the breakup on cordial terms stamped a feeling of "it's DONE done". Whereas when I saw her randomly at work the previous time, It was only 1.5 months post-break up and she even happened to reach out via text after the shift. And even though I know she wasn't looking to reconcile at all, it likely felt a little more hopeful then fresh out of the breakup. But now, yeah, 3 months later, its feels like the nail in the coffin on hopes. I think this is why I didn't manage to sleep more than an hour straight that night I last saw her due to the finality of it all. 

On 1/16/2025 at 11:20 AM, Achelois said:

Hi Dash23

I’m just wondering if your girlfriend isn’t being 100% honest and she decided to break up because she feels like she isn’t going anywhere with you. I think she could be expecting  to get married, move together and to have children, I’m thinking so just because she is 36 and she’d have to make that decision soon, biological clock. Have you guys talked about the future when you were ok? 

She could be feeling that she wasted 9 years with her ex and she is wasting more time with you, if she wants to start a family, it’s not every woman’s dream, but it could be an option. 

Thanks for chiming in. She is actually fixed (tubes tied) and doesn't want kids. Which was huge for us because I don't want kids and now that I'm 44, it's very difficult finding compatible matches that also don't have/want kids. I'm 99% positive she doesn't care to get married or have any sort of traditional wedding. I also don’t care for this. Her ex of 9 years and her bought a house together and never got married. She sold the house and currently lives with her mom, and I am back living/helping out my parents. So yes, if things had continued on, we would have eventually have to have had the move in together talk. But you are right on one thing though in your bolded comment above - she had to end the relationship and break the cycle of men continuing to make unfulfilled promises. She said she truly believed if I wanted it I would have shown it long ago and that maybe I just haven't realized it yet that I didn’t want it. But I've learned since that this goes much deeper than simply "just not wanting it", which I'll touch on my response below. 

On 1/16/2025 at 1:48 AM, S2B said:

do not try and make small talk with her! Is there any way to return the equipment without talking to her/seeing her at all?

consider saying no when she asks you to do this job - try and find the work somewhere else!

Finding these jobs/work elsewhere unfortunately isn't an option as they are so rarely offered to begin with. And when going in, not seeing her at all isn't an option because you physically have to sign into the office upon entering a school once you're buzzed in for security purposes. I could potentially bring my own equipment and ask her to sign me in herself in the interest of saving time to get to my class faster. But I already know she'll say she can't as per the rules and mention that signing in only takes me a second anyhow. 

I could take it a step further and tell her that seeing her in her hot office outfits is a distraction so if she could secretly sign me in that it would be appreciated. But I'm positive she wouldn't risk her job, and on top of that, as dumb as it sounds (yes I know it's not about her, it's about me and doing whatever I need to move on) it would bother my pride to no end to admit this to her and live rent free in my head as I'm proud I haven't contacted her myself in 3 months nor have I acted on any urges that I would regret. Given the last visit rattled me a bit more with the finality feeling of it all, hopefully it will make it a little easier to sign in and be on my way from now on.

On 1/16/2025 at 1:48 AM, S2B said:

the idea is that YOU move on for your OWN best interest! So seeing her never would allow you to be more open minded to someone new! Someone who is a better match/love and respect you more!

@S2BI adore that you've stuck to your guns in that we are not a match. Sadly, I honestly feel she was quite possibly the best match I've had so far, especially at this point in my life. Someone who is 8 years younger than me while not wanting kids also, attractive (and even much taller than me which I liked), and comparable in so many ways in terms of our many quirks and preferences, humor, strengths and weaknesses and elsewhere. What has made it harder is that after doing nearly 10 sessions with a therapist after the breakup, I've learned I'm a Dismissive Avoidant who deactivated a lot in the relationship. And sure, I know you're thinking the animals and boating in particular made us heavily incompatible, but I definitely feel I was extra harsh on not compromising here due to my avoidant nature as well. Maybe I'm lying to myself, and the animals/boating shtick is still something I'm really trying to convince myself of. But for all the other areas we were comparable/compatible in, I'd like to think I could have tried harder in these important areas/passions of hers. But too little too late…got to accept the finality either way. I recently heard a saying “women care too early…men care too late”. I think a lot of that saying applies in this situation.

I'm actually scheduled to go into her school in a month. It will be interesting to see how this next visit goes given how I felt the last visit stamped the 'finality' of it all. Hopefully I'll be able to glide in and out for the sign in without too much thought and that I won’t be set back further.

 

Edited January 20 by Dash23

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Dash23 said:

I could take it a step further and tell her that seeing her in her hot office outfits is a distraction so if she could secretly sign me in that it would be appreciated.

Please tell me you are not seriously considering this.

 

[Dash23]

17 hours ago, S2B said:

Keep doing the counseling u til you no longer hand over all of your power to her.

go every week for a year. Then see if you feel stronger and healthier.

That would be the dream schedule! Unfortunately, I've already ran through most of my therapist work benefits and only have 3-4 sessions left. After the breakup, I was going nearly every week for the first couple of months, so it is running out rather quickly at this pace.

 

15 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Please tell me you are not seriously considering this.

 

 @ExpatInItalyI think I know what you're thinking so I should probably clarify. I wasn't considering telling her this as an attempt to woo her or as a lame attempt to turn the dial in my favor, that ship has sailed. The reason being is that @S2B is right in that ideally, I wouldn't have to see her at all going in for these work shifts. As I mentioned, she's not supposed to sign me in herself as I'm supposed to visit the office to do it myself. But if I politely text her if there's any chance she can do the sign in exception since seeing her looking good is a legitimate distraction (which I hate to admit, but it’s the truth and it obviously has rattled me the last 2 times I went), then she might be inclined to break the rule and just sign me in. Flat out telling her "Hey any chance you can sign me in since seeing you brings up old feelings" is a bit heavy handed and that would bother me....but I get it.....either or sends her the same message anyhow that she's still having an effect on me so what's the difference. But given how I wasn't all that graceful on the breakup, I don't think I can handle admitting anything further to her as I'm proud of myself for at least staying as strong as I have since then and have ceased attempting to contact her/chase her in any way. Does that make more sense?

Likely, if seeing her keeps bothering me when I go in, I’ll text her ahead the following time and ask if she can sign me in so I can get to my class quicker. I’m sure I’ll find out the answer just the same as to whether it’s a possibility or not.

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, Dash23 said:

f I politely text her if there's any chance she can do the sign in exception since seeing her looking good is a legitimate distraction

No, stop with this. 

It doesn't matter why you would be sending her such a comment. You shouldn't be doing it at all. I would be annoyed and turned-off if someone I'd dumped brought up my looks (or lingering feelings) to get me to bend the rules in my workplace. It's cringe, to quote the kids. And it's unprofessional as hell. 

11 hours ago, Dash23 said:

Does that make more sense?

Nope. Just sign yourself in and deal with seeing her. If you can't manage that, then you should not be accepting work there. 

[flitzanu]

^^^ not to mention potential for Sexual Harassment at a workplace.