She thought about it after break up, decided to stick with it, but seeing each other tomorrow last time

[ExpatInItaly]

57 minutes ago, Dash23 said:

It was over indeed for some time sadly. What do you mean by "you two are really not a match anymore" ? 

Just that it might have worked well at the beginning, but that is doesn't now. That's all. 

58 minutes ago, Dash23 said:

The social worker says it's a 'trauma response' to use that bank test as a measuring stick of trust.

Maybe, but it's an inappropriate response. 

59 minutes ago, Dash23 said:

I mentioned this to my social worker and although she seemed to agree somewhat, she seemed confident her past trauma/relationship trauma was also preventing her to try for six more 6 more weeks 

Meh, doubt it.  Not everything is related to trauma. I think this woman simply lost patience with you, lost feelings for you, and didn't want to waste 6 more weeks. She was smart about that, actually. I also would have declined the idea of "trying" for another 6 weeks when I'd already tried for moths and saw no progress. It was too late by then. Trauma has nothing to do with it. 

1 hour ago, Dash23 said:

And yes, she may have lost respect for me when I cried, hell maybe she's had a laugh with her friends about it, I really don't care

I also strongly doubt this. She doesn't sound like a jerk. She's just a woman who realized the relationship wasn't working anymore and she wanted out, while trying to be mindful of your feelings in the process. I have seen a couple of ex-boyfriends cry during break-ups. Never once have I mocked them or lost respect for them for it. We're all human. 

[Acacia98]

3 hours ago, Dash23 said:

It was over indeed for some time sadly. What do you mean by "you two are really not a match anymore" ?  It does seem that many people are trying to help me not lose my mind with similar statements like this since they feel we aren't a great match after hearing things (similar to Aracia98's post just above about it), but always appreciate your perspectives for years now @ExpatInItaly since you did mention 'anymore'. And I know the relationship unfortunately fell to a rock bottom.

I'm not consciously trying to help you stay sane, OP. That's genuinely how I see it. When I read your posts, I get the impression that you believe that if you love someone, you will be who they want/need you to be. But you see, that only makes sense if your fundamental identity closely complements the other person's. If you're not truly compatible, you will be able to live up to their hopes and expectations for a limited amount of time, and then afterwards, your true identity will start to show. The other person will resent you for changing when, in reality, you're being your true self. And if you don't know yourself very well, you may find yourself wondering why you can no longer muster up the enthusiasm to do the things that used to make her happy.

If, on the other hand, you are truer to yourself from the beginning, then the woman you're dating will get to see what you're really like when it's still early days. If she thinks it's worth a try, she will give it a try. And hopefully, she will have a healthy understanding that she can't turn you into somebody else and will have reasonable expectations of you. If she feels you're not right for her, she will let you know that way before you've invested tons of time and energy. 

All this to say I think you're a bit of a people pleaser and it would do you a world of good to figure out who you truly are and what you truly want before entering a relationship with someone. It would also be good to learn to check in with yourself regularly to get a sense of how you feel about something/someone and if a relationship isn't working for you.

[Leihla_B]

12 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

... if you don't know yourself very well, you may find yourself wondering why you can no longer muster up the enthusiasm to do the things that used to make her happy.

Yes, this is why blaming yourself and beating yourself up over this makes no sense.

Nobody can wear a mask for very long. If you're a pleaser, you will pretzel yourself to please a date or a partner, and you will overlook your own needs and comforts in that process. This might feel 'natural' to you at the time because you're running on the adrenaline of new interest or new love. But over time, your system builds a tolerance to that self-produced drug, and you begin to 'come down' and relax into who you really are.

That's when you'll notice things like sleeping in an uncomfortable bed, feeling nauseated on a boat, or not enjoying animal care as much as you may have believed all become untenable for you. You've relaxed your hypervigilance in 'pleasing' in favor of just being you, and living as your real self.

Quote

If, on the other hand, you are truer to yourself from the beginning, then the woman you're dating will get to see what you're really like when it's still early days.

Yes! Instead of focusing on pleasing a potential partner, you'll be evaluating whether she is realistically a good match for you. This is how to avoid misleading anyone about who you really are, only to end up unable to operate as that particular model of perfection and then blaming yourself for that. 

Head high, we all tend to learn this stuff the hard way.

[Dash23]

 

On 10/22/2024 at 2:16 AM, Acacia98 said:

I feel like you're not being completely honest with yourself. Based on the little bits of information you've shared in this thread, it sounds like she basically wanted to be with someone who you weren't.

I think she wanted to be with someone who I could reasonably become in certain facets of the relationship that were quite realistically attainable given how comparable we were in so many ways. In my experience, the whole boating thing (and community of boating) often stems from people who grew up with boats and it's ingrained in their DNA with regards to their passion for it, to which they understand others won't be as absolutely die hard about. The same can be often said about animals too. I did have a cat so I do have an affinity for them in particular and feel these things could have been worked on as long as we continued to try sharing other hobbies of mine also or new discovered hobbies altogether. 

 

On 10/22/2024 at 2:16 AM, Acacia98 said:

For example, you have vertigo; you don't like being on the water. She wants to be with someone who enjoys being on the water as much as her. For you to be that person, you would have to force yourself to do something that fills you with apprehension and take medication. Me, personally, I wouldn't want someone I was with to take medication in order to do something I enjoy. I'd either let him be and find something else we can enjoy together or end the relationship and look for someone else who would enjoy the same hobby as me wholeheartedly.

I could envision myself enjoying it 1-2 times a week especially given that her new house would only be 10 mins from where her boat and the water is (and it's only during the warm months of the year anyhow) With that being said, I don't think the boating thing would have been as big of an issue if I was making certain commitments elsewhere...hence why the lack of us boating together gets further amplified. I did only get vertigo once after all, and medication would probably be rare and only taken ahead on those really choppy water days. What I'm struggling with understanding is my resistance to it so often when ultimately I'd be spending time with her which is the key point and she always said she'd just love it if I came on her boat with her. Once she started inviting many of my friends and realized many aren't big into boats and do get sea sickness, she backed off asking as much for a while (which kind of gave me an out and I took it for granted). But it ultimately was disappointing for her, and I remember months back her pretending to jokingly say "I got to get you out more on the water if I'm going to keep you around." But alas...here I am regretting not attempting it more often.

 

On 10/22/2024 at 2:16 AM, Acacia98 said:

And then there's the love for animals thing. She's clearly super-enthusiastic about our furry friends. You sound like you're okay with them but wouldn't move heaven and earth to rescue or foster them. And you know what? That's fine. You cannot force yourself to be enthusiastic about pets. That's not how emotions work, my friend. It's okay to be who you are.

I get it about not being able to force the enthusiasm, but I strongly feel that I could have learned to be more nurturing and in turn, enthusiastic about them. Especially considering we don't want kids, it felt the perfect compromise that would be ultimately rewarding with regards to volunteering/fostering from time to time. During our last talk she mentioned that she "thinks I'm really trying to convince myself about the animals" because when she did foster animals I only helped out the one time taking them. My issue was also being greedy with my comforts early in the relationship basically saying "hey you signed up for these sleepless nights" to which she said "this could be an issue in the future". I remember back then when that came up early in the relationship, I simply said "I just can't sleep with a dog in the bed over night" which seemed reasonable to her. I'd actually often go let out her own dog a few times during the week while she worked her night shifts (since I live 4 minutes away) and the dog and I had our little moments. I really should have started taking her dog on walks and such to get more involved with the animals to see if I could naturally appreciate/build the enthusiasm for it more. It seems I naturally resisted these ideas for too long (because they were her animals and we were still building the relationship) until it was too late and the sample size she saw from me was enough to make her think I might never be able to do it. When I fought for her before she decided against reconciling the break up, I told her I wanted to start taking her dog to the dog park on my own and becoming a part of that community, but I guess I'll never know now if that's something that would have helped. 

 

On 10/22/2024 at 2:16 AM, Acacia98 said:

It also sounds like her home might not have been quite a comfortable space for you and, hence, you felt the need to go back to your own home and rest. Maybe hers was not quiet enough for your needs. Maybe it was not physically comfortable for you. In either case, you would understandably want to to back to your home to sleep.

I felt her place was quite comfy but it obviously didn't have some of my at home comforts/things I like to do during downtime. My friend who has similar issues to me with dating mentioned that it also has to do with us being used to 'having our own stuff at our own house" especially when we hit the points of boredom. So we like to get back to these things often as well. Or for example if she may pass out early on her own bed, it's like I may as well be at my own place watching whatever I want to or doing whatever I'd like to on my computer in the meantime or something along those lines. 

 

On 10/22/2024 at 2:16 AM, Acacia98 said:

I don't know much about the rest of your relationship. But I feel like if I tried to do some of the things you did for the course of your relationship (i.e. to fit into her world and be her ideal guy), I would be mentally exhausted. I wouldn't be in a frame of mind to have regular sex, I would need to retreat back to my home after spending a day with her, I would be "detached", etc.

Yeah, although I frequently saw her when we could, I often times wouldn't spend a full day with her as you noted above, especially with living so close. And it started not feeling like quality time together to her or that I wasn't 'present' when I was there. Living too close may have been a curse for being able to "in and out"... but more on that later.

 

On 10/22/2024 at 2:16 AM, Acacia98 said:

In short, I think you were incompatible. She was clearly looking for a particular kind of guy and you weren't that guy. So the right thing to do is accept that you are incompatible. Somewhere down the road, I think you need to spend time trying to understand who you are and respecting that. And you should also devote time to figuring out what kind of woman you want to be with and what a relationship between two loving people who appreciate and accept each other as they truly are looks like.

I'm not so sure if it was incompatible as much as it may be that I am an "avoidant" in terms of my attachment style that I am coming to realize after the last week and a half (of learning about these attachment styles), which makes it even worse since I feel that's why I may have been so resistant.

 

On 10/15/2024 at 6:07 PM, S2B said:

You know you don’t want to change - you have loads of reasons why you won’t stay the night with her.

I think I may have missed this the first time through...but respectfully....no...I don't want to not change. I don't want to eternally avoidant like this, hence why I started counselling last week, have got books, audiobooks, talked to our social worker, talked to nearly all my friends individually, my sister, I'm meeting with our work team's Psychologist etc. 

On 10/23/2024 at 12:57 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

Meh, doubt it.  Not everything is related to trauma. I think this woman simply lost patience with you, lost feelings for you, and didn't want to waste 6 more weeks. She was smart about that, actually. I also would have declined the idea of "trying" for another 6 weeks when I'd already tried for moths and saw no progress. It was too late by then. Trauma has nothing to do with it. 

As much as it hurts, I completely agree with you on her thoughts there about not continuing.  And what our social worker meant after clarifying is that if it wasn't for her previous 9 year relationship trauma and depending on what her security/and or value on importance of relationships would have been at the time otherwise, she may have been more likely to be like 'what's 6 more weeks". But of course, she learned from her previous mistakes of letting that guy let her down for so long so she's extra sensitive to it as she mentioned and has to break the cycle. It was interesting to hear from the Social Worker but kind of a roundabout way of saying the same thing that she felt it would be 'a waste of time' to continue given what she knows and truly feels at this point in time.

 

On 10/23/2024 at 3:36 AM, Acacia98 said:

that only makes sense if your fundamental identity closely complements the other person's. If you're not truly compatible, you will be able to live up to their hopes and expectations for a limited amount of time, and then afterwards, your true identity will start to show. The other person will resent you for changing when, in reality, you're being your true self. And if you don't know yourself very well, you may find yourself wondering why you can no longer muster up the enthusiasm to do the things that used to make her happy.

All this to say I think you're a bit of a people pleaser and it would do you a world of good to figure out who you truly are and what you truly want before entering a relationship with someone. It would also be good to learn to check in with yourself regularly to get a sense of how you feel about something/someone and if a relationship isn't working for you.

I feel like we were very compatible/comparable in so many ways but that as I learn more about this avoidant attachment style that it has more to do with that in terms of keeping her at 'arms length' (although I really hope I'm wrong about this because it's driving me crazy). The part of knowing myself also scares me since as I get older now and as she mentioned (she sees I really seem to value my peace and comfort) and it makes me realize, has my life just been on easy peaceful mode for so long and on top of being an avoidant attachment style, I don't want to try and implement these new reasonable compromises and rewarding challenges that are necessary for an awesome girl/relationship I had to thrive??? I wish I was more of an actual people pleaser as that's very kind of you to say, but I don't think that could be any further from the truth especially after digging deeper in the last week with what I feel I've been learning and also about attachment styles.

On 10/23/2024 at 4:37 PM, Leihla_B said:

Yes! Instead of focusing on pleasing a potential partner, you'll be evaluating whether she is realistically a good match for you. This is how to avoid misleading anyone about who you really are, only to end up unable to operate as that particular model of perfection and then blaming yourself for that. 

Head high, we all tend to learn this stuff the hard way.

I'm really struggling with this and hoping I can truthfully believe this was the actual reasoning with her and the relationship coming to an end. Because she truthfully is the best match out of all the relationships I've ever had and the only one I fought for after the fact because I honestly believe it wholeheartedly. I've been no contact for 10 days now and even though it's been a busy week, it is the only thing that has consumed my mind regardless of what I'm doing.... 

Edited October 30 by Dash23

[S2B]

You weren’t a good match!

why are you trying to twist yourself into a pretzel thinking you could have pleased her more?

she made it clear she didn’t want to anymore - find a better match for yourself!

[Gebidozo]

While understanding yourself and becoming a better potential partner and a better person in general is highly valuable and important, I don’t think you should spend so much time and effort trying to figure out what you could have done to make it work with your ex. The bottom line here is that it did not work, period. Undoubtedly, your issues were a part of that. Her issues were a part. Your feelings, her feelings, your mutual compatibility level, timing, circumstances, - there are countless factors. It’s over and you can’t replay that part of your life like a restored video game session from the latest save. Stop torturing yourself and move on.