Problems with teen and not sure if I have a right to react

[LittleL]

I have been dating a man for over a year that I met online and I have no children. I have always been very careful to avoid dating men with kids and baby mama drama so my rule was to only date in this situation where the two were amicable. Before we met, I was told they were amicable and that the 17 year old identifies as a boy which didn't indicate any red flags to me.

As time goes on, I am slowly seeing some problems. We live somewhat far apart and he works 4 days away and his 4 days off at home. He has the teen every day that he has off, but originally told me he could see me every second rotation (so two times a month) the teen is 17 almost 18) and is mostly at her mom and stepdads. Originally he was pressuring me to meet them but I wanted to take it slow. He ended up being off for the first 6 months of our relationship, so now that he is back to work it is different from what I was told since he says he must spend every day off that he has with them. As you can imagine this makes things difficult for us to see each other. After meeting a few times I told him that I would have to visit him at home otherwise it won't work. I cannot see him the days he works since he rents a room in a house out of town and must sleep by 9:00). He was worried since he said he's never had a woman stay at his home (he was never married to her mom and they separated a year after she was born). He told me that the child said that he could not have a girlfriend and that there have been issues with exes in the past. This scared me off a bit. He was pressuring me to rent a place near his work, almost like he'd like 2 separate lives.

Since then many issues keep coming up. The teen was in the hospital for taking pills and I am not a stranger or closed minded to mental illness (my brother, grandfather and uncle have committed suicide just to name a few experiences), it is rampant in my family, but I worry about how things are being handled. When this happened, we had to leave my family Christmas to go to the hospital (I drove 3 hours and waited outside) and when we go there the teen said they just wanted to go home and play video games. My bf decided to buy her a vacation to make her feel better. I also found out then that him and the mother HATE each other. He is accusing her of being neglectful. The mom goes to therapy with the child and made sure the psychiatrist give her meds etc which I believe is the correct approach. He was against the meds and will not agree to use the desired pronouns. I personally agree with the mom in this scenario and think he may be the problem.

I am seeing signs of possibly helicopter parenting from him. He is constantly watching her location on his phone and will intervene in her parenting time if something seems off. When this happened (month 2 of our relationship) I told him that I felt it was too much and I that I felt misled. He proceeded to tell me that "they don't have drama, they just don't talk!" We reconciled based on the promise he made me to seek professional help for himself on how to manage things and not just the child.

As time has gone on, I find out things like the teen is failing in school and nothing really seems to be done about it, he will do all of the chores because they won't, they don't shower, will not get a job, they were staying at the boyfriends and when I recommended birth control he told me they would not be having sex since they weren't like that and then got pregnant (I guess my non parent advice wasn't so bad) but had an abortion and then he found a whole bunch of drugs to which he replied that they were the kids friends and his kid wouldn't do that. When everyone convinced him how ridiculous that was he went back to confront the teen, the teen cried and then it was dropped because it upset the teen. It seems like he will just do anything to make them happy since he says that's what he wants most in his life. He says the teen is very depressed (obviously) but I have said well, maybe you don't have the time for a relationship in your life right now. He disagrees. It feels like when the child cries, he just says they are only a child in trouble and he will go running to fix it (which I understand to a degree but there are never consequences or a proper plan to help the child on his side).

Two weeks ago it was my birthday and I moved the celebration to the following week since he wanted to see them and was worried about them since the other parents were going to be away for work all week and they would be home alone with the cats. My 14 year old dog was put down a few days before and I am having some biopsies for health issues and so I am going through some things as well. I have only seen him twice in a month. I was really looking forward to my birthday but I was happy to move it a week for them.

Fast forward to the day of my late celebration and he was trying to get me to travel to the child instead but I had planned a bunch of things with family and friends. In a nutshell, I went to see a counsellor since he never did, and that day as I left the counsellor I had a text that the child had skipped school all week and apparently the mom came home and yelled at her and "it was a big breakdown and a bunch of things happened". He said they were not taking care of themselves and he knew that would happen if the teen were left alone.

He said he was very sorry but had to go be with her and he'd make it up to me another time. I don't know why the mom and stepdad couldn't deal with things that day. I feel that if she was in danger or abused as he made it sound, child services should have been involved or a trip to a therapist or something? I just don't feel good about it, I am very angry. I am not sure if this is the right feeling to have. The teen is clearly troubled. He messaged that he was very sorry but she needed him. I felt like since I am going through a lot (my dog was my entire world :( ) that he could have at the very least balanced both a bit better. He seems like helicopter parent and I am not sure if I am a total jerk for being so upset about this. Normally I'd say of course if a child is in trouble, go to them but something about this doesn't seem right to me. I was going to tell him to get professional help right away on how to manage this better or I am leaving. I love this guy and could see a future with him, I even like the child.

I am generally a people pleaser and and I want to be sure that I set some boundaries. I am not sure if I should speak up about this and how. He just says well this is my kid and I have to do these things, but I feel like this is unfair and not managed well. My friends with children seem to think this is mishandled as well. Any constructive thoughts or advice is appreciated (even if you just think I am a selfish jerk).

[basil67]

First up, I'm so sorry for the loss of your dog.  

I think you're right that the guy is the problem in his estranged relationship.   But while you seem to have a clear view of the situation, I don't think it's your place to speak up about how this is handled.  When it comes to other people's kids, the best way forward is to only give opinions when they are asked for.

For what it's worth, even if everything else was great, his refusal to follow the psychiatrist's directions with respect to meds and refusal to use his child's preferred pronoun would have been sufficient on it's own for me to walk away from him.  

 

[LittleL]

Thank you so much basil. He does sometimes ask for my opinion, but I have told him that I don't want to be asked for advice. I have told him to seek therapy. I guess I am unsure if I should be unhappy that I was sort of brushed aside when I needed him after moving everything around for them. It really hurt me since it happens all of the time for these episodes and I wonder why he didn't just let the mom handle it. I feel like there is more to this story. 

[Leihla_B]

4 hours ago, LittleL said:

It really hurt me since it happens all of the time for these episodes and I wonder why he didn't just let the mom handle it. I feel like there is more to this story. 

As if all of this isn't enough, yes, there is likely more, and it's not going to get better.

I'm so sorry, but if the exact way things are right now is not the kind of relationship you envision for your future, you might be better off telling him that you're walking away while you both still think highly of one another. He's welcome to contact you in the future should he find himself able to manage the time to dedicate to the kind of relationship you want for yourself. If you're still available then, maybe you can meet to catch up.

My heart goes out to you.

[Acacia98]

6 hours ago, LittleL said:

I have been dating a man for over a year that I met online and I have no children. I have always been very careful to avoid dating men with kids and baby mama drama so my rule was to only date in this situation where the two were amicable. 

Do you remember this boundary that you set? Well, it was a good boundary. IMO, the situation you find yourself may not exactly be baby mama drama, but it has enough parallels to justify similar treatment. So why aren't you enforcing your perfectly reasonable boundary?

6 hours ago, LittleL said:

When this happened (month 2 of our relationship) I told him that I felt it was too much and I that I felt misled. He proceeded to tell me that "they don't have drama, they just don't talk!" We reconciled based on the promise he made me to seek professional help for himself on how to manage things and not just the child.

(...)

 He says the teen is very depressed (obviously) but I have said well, maybe you don't have the time for a relationship in your life right now. He disagrees.

(...)

He said he was very sorry but had to go be with her and he'd make it up to me another time. I don't know why the mom and stepdad couldn't deal with things that day. I feel that if she was in danger or abused as he made it sound, child services should have been involved or a trip to a therapist or something? I just don't feel good about it, I am very angry. I am not sure if this is the right feeling to have. The teen is clearly troubled. He messaged that he was very sorry but she needed him. I felt like since I am going through a lot (my dog was my entire world ) that he could have at the very least balanced both a bit better. He seems like helicopter parent and I am not sure if I am a total jerk for being so upset about this. Normally I'd say of course if a child is in trouble, go to them but something about this doesn't seem right to me. I was going to tell him to get professional help right away on how to manage this better or I am leaving. I love this guy and could see a future with him, I even like the child.

I am generally a people pleaser and and I want to be sure that I set some boundaries. I am not sure if I should speak up about this and how. He just says well this is my kid and I have to do these things, but I feel like this is unfair and not managed well. 

You're not a selfish jerk. You're just someone who's dating a man who doesn't have the capacity to cope with his very complicated life and, therefore, cannot be a halfway decent boyfriend. It's normal for you to want more. But you already know he's not going to give you more. He does not treat himself or his kid well. So it would be unrealistic to expect him to treat you well. I think you need to break up with him. Don't ask him for permission to break up by asking him what he thinks about it. Don't give him ultimatums. Just be honest with yourself about the fact that this man's life is a mess and he's not doing what he needs to do to fix the mess. The only possible role you can play is that of a neglected bystander in his very messy life.

[Leihla_B]

1 hour ago, Acacia98 said:

Just be honest with yourself about the fact that this man's life is a mess and he's not doing what he needs to do to fix the mess. The only possible role you can play is that of a neglected bystander in his very messy life.

This ^^^ exactly. He's in denial about the degree of his daughter's health and emotional problems, and he's not going to be able to 'fix' her. So there will be continual chaos that will continue to be a barrier to any kind of meaningful relationship time to spend with you. He's spread too thin, and you have every right to expect better for yourself. You won't have anything better with this man, unfortunately.

[Gaeta]

My deepest sympathy for the loss of your dog. It's so hard to mourn the passing of our beloved pets. 

You cannot win when going at war with a parent, no matter if they are good or bad parents. In your case, I would not call your boyfriend a 'good parent'. It's obvious he's part of the problem when it comes to his child's mental health. Having a father refusing her/his identity, refusing she be medicated, refusing to integrate you in his life with his child by refusing you stay at his place. All this is enough for you to give him an ultimatum. He gets his s7hit together or you leave and list what you need. 

I'm with Basil67, the fact he's not following to a T the doctor's directions and his refusal to address his child with the right pronoun would be enough for me to drop this man.

[LittleL]

My boyfriend (M41) and myself (F43) have been together a year and started dating on my birthday. I have been having a really hard time recently. I recently made another post about this first part. My dog died and I have been having some health issues and surgery but was okay with him not coming to my birthday because his 18 year old daughter skipped school and was having mental health issues at her mothers. We live a few hours apart and things are on his schedule because mine is more flexible.

I have been feeling very alone lately and told him I felt that seeing him 3 or so days a month isn't working for me and that I don't feel connected as I should. One the second birthday dinner attempt that we had moved, the same thing repeated with his daughter (I had recently another post about him being a helicopter dad since this is a regular occurrence). On the way to the dinner I received a text message that said "sorry I have to go help my daughter" and I went to dinner alone. I have told him that if he doesn't have time for me I understand that he needs to take care of his life but I need to feel fulfilled as well. I said that he is never there for me when I need him because he has too much going on and I am not sure how this would look in the future. This turned into a big fight and he basically said take it or leave it and that I should be there no matter what if we are a couple and not talk about splitting up. And I basically said I will leave it then, this is not good enough for me. He says he sees me when he can (which is probably true). He was also very mad that I said I don't feel connected. The truth is, I forget how he is when three weeks go by and I feel like I haven't had a chance to really bond with him. I did tell him that I love him.

A few days went by that we did not talk and then he started messaging saying that he is really sorry and can we talk in person, and anytime I want to talk he will be there and if I need any help etc let him know. He said this a bunch of times over a few days and then I finally said okay let's have a talk in person the next day. He then replied the next day and said well now I need time to think because you broke up with me and this exact same thing happened twice now.

I don't know if I am a jerk or if he is or both of us are? I don't know how to solve anything without completely putting my needs aside. I would like to have a conversation but I am so angry. 

[basil67]

You are being a jerk - but only to yourself.

You're at the bottom of his priority list and sensibly called it quits.  You know that you'll always play second fiddle to his daughter.  Heck, he checks on her using security cams!!!!    Then he gets mad at you for being honest and now you're thinking of having a conversation with him and thinking of meeting.  

 

 

[Acacia98]

1 hour ago, LittleL said:

I don't know if I am a jerk or if he is or both of us are? I don't know how to solve anything without completely putting my needs aside. I would like to have a conversation but I am so angry. 

If I were you, I would just check out quietly. You've tried to talk to him. You've tried to explain your feelings to him. He's responded negatively. There's nothing more for you to do here.

[ShyViolet]

At a year into the relationship, you haven't been with him for very long.  He has a lot of chaos in his life, and it's very likely that he's not handling the situation with his kid well.  But it's not your place to tell him what to do.  When it comes to how he is parenting his kid, you really do need to stay out of it.  You have two choices, stay and accept things the way they are completely, or leave.  It sounds like there's not much left for you to do but walk away from this.

[S2B]

You e crossed every potential boundary you listed to stay with him. That’s u healthy.

he has big big problems. Step away knowing he needs to pay attention to what’s going on with his family.

he doesn’t have time for you or anyone. Maybe it will be improved in ten years.

and when a child identifies as a boy you should keep referring to the child as ‘her’.

this man has no room for you now. Date a man that fills your requirements/boundaries.

[S2B]

1 hour ago, S2B said:

You’ve crossed every potential boundary you listed to stay with him. That’s unhealthy.

he has big big problems. Problems he needs to pay attention to. Step away knowing he needs to pay attention to what’s going on with his family.

he doesn’t have time for you or anyone. Maybe it will be improved in ten years.

and when a child identifies as a boy you should NOT keep referring to the child as ‘her’.

this man has no room for you now. Date a man that fills your requirements/boundaries. 

Just needed to fix my typos.

[Leihla_B]

On 10/19/2024 at 7:03 PM, LittleL said:

...I finally said okay let's have a talk in person the next day. He then replied the next day and said well now I need time to think because...

Oh, please. He's full of it. He got you to say okay, so he believes you're not really serious about breaking up, so he's already backpedaling on his 'there-for-you' lie.

I'd skip this and skip him. Not just because his behavior above would really frost me, but because of all the times he's let you down with excuses. Now he's not even hiding behind excuses, he's just flat-out blaming you for your discontent. Who needs that?

Honey, you deserve better, but you can't find it until you liberate yourself from this mess of a man. He's a jerk, and that won't change. Ever.

Edited October 20 by Leihla_B

[ExpatInItaly]

I would let go of this man once and for all. 

It's not working. He has too many issues in his life to be available for a proper relationship. You are unhappy. It's the right choice to just end it.