Girlfriend going to club with her daughter and her cousin

[Centurion]

So I (30M) and girlfriend (42F) are in a long-distance relationship 

Things are going very well between us, I believe, and she often entertains ideas of what we’ll be doing well into the future (e.g., talking about traveling to Taiwan, since she’s from Taiwan, next year). 

Anytime I’ve needed to talk to her about something that’s bothering me, she has always responded and adapted in very positive ways. She’s accommodating and goes the extra mile when she goes out to lunch with friends and such to show that she’s at where she says she was going to go.

Even when I was worried and had created this monstrous, dark illusion that she was developing feelings for a male language partner, she quickly eased my feelings on it by showing texts without me asking, and said If I ever had questions about this again in the future, to let her know. 

With that being said, she’s never given me a reason to believe she would ever cheat on me. I often think she checks on me, because she’s afraid I could cheat on her (I never have and never will, but I suppose she’s insecure about it - but I still make an effort to always be transparent all the time-not over the top of course).

So this next Saturday, her and her daughter (who’s also in a committed relationship) are going to a night club with my girlfriend’s aunt’s daughter. Now, I don’t know if the aunt’s daughter is single or not and I don’t know what kind of nightclub it is. She told me about these plans tonight after daily night call and it’s keeping me awake. #1 I don’t want to come off as insecure and make it seem like I don’t trust her. The language partner thing was a big strike one. #2 I don’t want to be controlling. 

Question 
1. Is what she’s doing disrespectful?
2. Should I be worried? Should I not let her go? 

For what it’s worth, my girlfriend said her, her daughter, and the aunt’s daughter did the same thing last year. Other than that, my girlfriend never goes clubbing (at least while she’s been here in the US, since November 2022) I don’t know if she clubbed a lot in Taiwan or not. But this will be the first time in a year she’s gone to a club. 

Thank you to everyone that reads this! 

[basil67]

So basically, you don't trust her and she doesn't trust you.   Doesn't sound like the kind of relationship which will last.

With respect to your questions:

1. I can't see how going clubbing with her family and friends would be disrespectful to you or anyone else   

2a) You should not worry unless she gives you good reason to worry.  2b) It would be extremely controlling to tell her she can't go

Edit to add: controlling someone's whereabouts will not stop them from cheating.  Instead of having her reassure you, you should be working on self soothing

Edited October 16 by basil67

[Leihla_B]

2 hours ago, Centurion said:

I don’t want to come off as insecure and make it seem like I don’t trust her.

But you are insecure, and you don't trust her.

She's a grown adult who has made it to age 42 and has raised a daughter to adulthood, all without your assistance or your permission.

Either you trust this woman to be faithful, or you don't belong in this relationship. As for interpreting her choices as being disrespectful to you, that makes no sense. Neither does this whole long-distance thing. What's up with that, what are your plans to close the distance, and when? 

[Gebidozo]

3 hours ago, Centurion said:

Question 
1. Is what she’s doing disrespectful?

Not at all. She isn’t going to a nightclub with a bunch of men, it’s just a girls’ night out. Why on Earth would anyone find this disrespectful?
 

3 hours ago, Centurion said:

2. Should I be worried?

Worried about what? That she’s going to meet some guy in the nightclub and make out with him? She doesn’t need a nightclub for that, if she wants to cheat on you she can do it any time and you’ll never know. You’re insulting her with this level of mistrust.

 

3 hours ago, Centurion said:

Should I not let her go?

Let her go? Are you the Sultan or Zanzibar and is she your concubine? You don’t “let” or “don’t let” your partner do anything. If you don’t like what she’s doing, you can respectfully ask her not to do it. Though in this case, you’d be further digging the grave of this relationship if you do that. 
 

3 hours ago, Centurion said:

#1 I don’t want to come off as insecure and make it seem like I don’t trust her.  #2 I don’t want to be controlling. 

But you are insecure. You don’t trust her. And you are controlling. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Centurion said:

2. Should I be worried? Should I not let her go? 

What the hell, man? 

You don't get to "let" her do anything. She is an adult and does not need your permission. Given your past thread together with this one, I think you need to break up with her. Your insecurity is out of control and it is very unfair to her. She shouldn't have to reassure you when she goes out for lunch either, for heaven's sake. 

Get a grip, man. This is no way to live life, let alone have a relationship. 

[Sony12]

Both of you sound a bit jealous of each other. You said this is a long distance relationship. How many times have you actually met? Have you met at all yet?

Honestly you two are in a bit of a weird situation given that she is over a decade older than you. Most older women and younger men relationships are just casual. While younger men can be exciting for older women to date they at the same time don't make good relationship partners as women are often looking for maturity in a relationship. Something many younger men are a bit lacking at.

 

[Gaeta]

Oh yes!! When women are in a cheating mode they always involve their daughter and cousin. They cheer each other to take their bra off on the dance floor. The first to make out gets free drinks, we see that all the time right!  *rolling my eyes*. 

[Sony12]

7 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Oh yes!! When women are in a cheating mode they always involve their daughter and cousin. They cheer each other to take their bra off on the dance floor. The first to make out gets free drinks, we see that all the time right!  *rolling my eyes*. 

Lol true. However there are places in the world where public sex acts aren't as taboo as they are in the states (well at least before cell phones became a video recorder that is) and it isn't unheard of for mothers and daughters to go to strip clubs together.

I doubt the OP lives in one of those places though.

[Gaeta]

7 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

I doubt the OP lives in one of those places though.

The girlfriend is in the US since 2022

[Sony12]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

The girlfriend is in the US since 2022

Yeah if she's in the U.S. then he shouldn't worry about his gf going out on the town with her daughter. Americans usually try to keep their sexual interests away from their families. At most they may tell them about someone they like but they aren't going to go hitting on people right in front of their kid. 

[Gaeta]

13 hours ago, Centurion said:

Question 
1. Is what she’s doing disrespectful?
2. Should I be worried? Should I not let her go? 

1. No it's not disrespectful but I would really like to understand why you think this falls in the disrespectful category?

2. Worried of what exactly? That she is the cheating type? That she won't be able to reject men coming on to her? Or you worry that at 42 she doesn't fully understand what a committed relationship is? What horrible scenario is running in your head?

3. You cannot make people 'no do' something. You can tell them  you are worried, you're insecure, you need reassurance, but you cannot dictate your girlfriend and not even your wife.

Edited October 16 by Gaeta

[Centurion]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

1. No it's not disrespectful but I would really like to understand why you think this falls in the disrespectful category?

2. Worried of what exactly? That she is the cheating type? That she won't be able to reject men coming on to her? Or you worry that at 42 she doesn't fully understand what a committed relationship is? What horrible scenario is running in your head?

3. You cannot make people 'no do' something. You can tell them  you are worried, you're insecure, you need reassurance, but you cannot dictate your girlfriend and not even your wife.

Her going to the club, meeting someone, and then things changing for the bad between us.
 

All in my head, I suppose. Thanks to her stupid, mindless aunt. 

[Gaeta]

22 minutes ago, Centurion said:

Her going to the club, meeting someone, and then things changing for the bad between us.
 

All in my head, I suppose. Thanks to her stupid, mindless aunt. 

You cannot control people from falling out of love with you. If her feelings for you are strong then nobody will have her cheat not even her mindless aunt, not even meeting the hottest guy in town will have her cheat. If she's weak, if it takes just a mindless aunt for her to cheat or if only the sight of a hot guy has her cheat on you then don't you think you are better without her?

Do you think women are sooooo weak, gullible, so shallow, so brainless that they would cheat only because others decided they should? Don't you think it's insulting to your girlfriend to assume she doesn't know how to handle herself at a club?

[basil67]

57 minutes ago, Centurion said:

Her going to the club, meeting someone, and then things changing for the bad between us.
 

All in my head, I suppose. Thanks to her stupid, mindless aunt. 

So now you're not just insecure, but your being offensive about her aunt.  I have no doubt you will kill this relationship all on your own

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Centurion said:

Her going to the club, meeting someone, and then things changing for the bad between us.
 

All in my head, I suppose. Thanks to her stupid, mindless aunt. 

Her aunt isn't going to influence her. Your wanting to lock her up in closet will.

Edited October 16 by Alpacalia

[Gebidozo]

6 hours ago, Centurion said:

Thanks to her stupid, mindless aunt. 

What? You just admitted it was all in your head, and in the next sentence you lash out at your girlfriend’s aunt for no reason?

Does your girlfriend know that you’re harboring such mean feelings and thoughts?

Dude, please get help. And perhaps break up with your girlfriend, she shouldn’t be subjected to all this.

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, Centurion said:

. Thanks to her stupid, mindless aunt. 

You think very little of your own girlfriend if you really believe she's so easily influenced by others. 

Have you always been this insecure in relationships? 

[Leihla_B]

23 hours ago, Centurion said:

Thanks to her stupid, mindless aunt. 

GF is a 42 year old woman who's had this aunt in her life the entire time. She still ended up with YOU. But if you don't get a grip, you're right on track to lose her regardless of how many other men she turns down daily.

You still haven't explained what the barrier is to closing your distance with her.

[Centurion]

[ ] 
 

After last Saturday night and what she posted to her Instagram Story, I had every reason to be uncomfortable!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Every god damn reason! 

Edited October 23 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[Centurion]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

You did not tell us what she posted in her Instagram after Saturday night. 

I will describe with points my thoughts on the matter and what I saw on her IG story. I will also include additional details. I feel this is the best way to be concise, as long paragraphs are often scanned over rather than fully read and understood. 
 

• It was her daughters and her aunt’s daughters idea - they planned this. Both have boyfriends. My girlfriends daughter has had her boyfriend for over a year (and she’s 21, so she’s a fully legal adult). I assume my girlfriend opted to tag along because 1. Her daughter is only here until November 1, then she goes back to Taiwan and she doesn’t know when she’ll see her again. It could be 6 Mos - 1 year. 2. It’s NYC - If I were her, I wouldn’t want my daughter out at 1-3AM in NYC, even if it’s Manhattan. 
 

•my girlfriend did not dress suggestive at all. She wore a long sleeve sweater-style shirt and a leather jacket. Her daughter didn’t dress suggestive either. The stupid cousin, did however dress with some cleavage showing (and yes she has a boyfriend) 

 

•My girlfriend sent me texts, pictures and videos of where they were and what they were doing. As promised, she told me she would tell me when she got home and she did. (I didn’t ask for pictures and videos, she sent them because I told her I was told her to be careful out there at night) 

 

•My girlfriend was responsive as normal on Sunday. Our texting was great as usual and the video call was ok as well. Also, Monday she seemed to be a bit short with me on text, but we’ve had days like that before and I understand because we’re not going to talk to each other the exact same way every single day) Sometimes I overthink this. 
 

Now, for what I saw on the IG Story.. 

 

•My girlfriend was holding her phone and videoing an interaction between a guy and her daughter. The video was actually a series of pictures that collectively moved very fast on the IG story, as if it was an ordinary video. 
 

•I could see the guy and her daughter putting their hands together in one shot (same thing as if you’re comparing handsizes with someone)

•it appeared the guy and her daughter got close to each other, but it wasn’t clear what was going on. 
 

•in one shot, the guy was standing directly in front of and looking at the camera, and my girlfriend had her left hand on the front of his shoulder (the guy was arm-length away from my gf)

 

•the rest of the shots were between the guy and my girlfriend’s daughter. Again, it wasn’t clear what they were doing, so anything beyond this is just an assumption. 
 

•I went through my girlfriends followers, and thought I may have found the guy but I don’t think they were the same people. This guy follows my girlfriend and she follows him back - this guy also follows my girlfriends daughter (but daughter doesn’t follow him back) I DON’T BELIEVE THIS IS THE GUY FROM THE IG STORY - BUT I HADN’T RECOGNIZED OR NOTICED THIS PERSON BEFORE ON HER IG FOLLOWERS LIST

 

•Also, IMPORTANT note - This was her on IG story, publicly. All of my girlfriends best friends follow her on IG (I follow her as well). I’ve met a couple of them and person, and them and even the ones I haven’t met all seem like good, honest women who are very traditional. The fact that this post was on her Story, makes me feel better because if it was damning material, she wouldn’t post it there - no way, I don’t think. 
 

•My girlfriend is not the clubbing/night club-type. She never hints at or mentions doing this. She often goes to lunch with her Chinese girlfriends in NY, but have never once gone to a nightclub (besides April 2024 when she went back to Taiwan to visit and her and the girls, who were her best friends over there, went to a night club-but this didn’t matter at all because we hadn’t even met in person yet). 
 

•I told my girlfriend I saw her IG story and it made me uncomfortable and told her bars, nightclubs and all that are a single person’s activity. I don’t disagree where ladies should be able to have their nights out, but once I saw that IG story it made me wonder what could I have missed? 
 

I believe most men would have issue with it. 
 

She looked bothered after we talked about it, but we moved on from it and we’re texting as normal and looking forward to our November and December Holiday plans together. Our video chat last night was OK but still had plenty of endearment and lovey-dovey stuff. 
 

Monday night, after we talked about what I saw, she was a bit more affectionate then usual (but now, back to normal but plenty satisfactory affection) 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Centurion said:

After last Saturday night and what she posted to her Instagram Story, I had every reason to be uncomfortable!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Every god damn reason! 

This?

8 minutes ago, Centurion said:

•in one shot, the guy was standing directly in front of and looking at the camera, and my girlfriend had her left hand on the front of his shoulder (the guy was arm-length away from my gf)

I don't get it. Is this all? 

What am I missing?