Lingerie insta models - totally innocent?

[Linnea]

Hi! When I was with my ex, a situation happened that I would like some opinions on. Here’s what happened:

Me and my ex were at dinner at his parents house. At one point he took out his phone and went on instagram. He was on the explore page for a split second, before quickly changing it back to home page. Me, always sitting close to him, caught a glimpse of what was there; several posts of instagram models in lingerie, along with the usual content he looks at. Feeling deeply disrespected of what I saw, I went upstairs when his parents prepared dessert, in order to gather my thoughts and in hope that he would come after me. He did, and asked how I was. Then he explained that while he was away recently, staying at his friend’s house, his friend had taken his (my ex’s) phone and showed him pictures of a/several insta models, saying how hot they were. 
 

My thing is… I don’t really buy this story, because last time I checked, the explore page isn’t that impressionable that all it takes is searching for someone and clicking on a few posts, for several similar posts to show up on explore page. You also have to like several. So let’s say his friend did also like these posts (while using his phone), strange to me but let’s say that’s really what happened and my ex had nothing at all to do with this… WHY are two men in relationships looking at insta models and why isn’t my ex then saying; hey, I don’t feel comfortable doing this, it doesn’t feel right to me because of Linnea (me).

I would really love someone’s honest opinion on this, since several seemingly innocent incidents have happened where I’ve felt disrespected, causing me to be jealous and insecure in the relationship and ultimately the demise of it. I’ve never been an insecure person outside of this relationship, however, I know that as the relationship went on and my thoughts spiraled, I was also reading in to things that he had no control over whatsoever. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't buy his story, either.

He more than likely had just been checking them out himself because he liked the eye candy. Then he came up with a pretty flimsy excuse when he saw it upset you. 

I can't speak to whether it's acceptable or not for him to have been enjoying photos of other women,, as everyone has their own expectations and standards in a relationship. But if it was not okay for you, then you were right to leave the relationship. Some women might be fine with it, others not. There is no right or wrong here. Only what works for you, and finding a partner whose views are compatible with you own (and vice versa)

11 minutes ago, Linnea said:

since several seemingly innocent incidents have happened where I’ve felt disrespected, causing me to be jealous and insecure

For example? 

[Linnea]

Thanks for your insights! I don’t want that type of behavior to play any part of my relationship. And I think our different perspectives clashed a lot. And it didn’t make it easier that he wasn’t really open minded to hearing my perspective all the time or open to understanding that we had different expectations. 

Some other example is commenting on girls while looking at reality TV shows (love island for example). But not commenting in the sense of: hey look Linnea what a huge looking butt she has, I honestly would have been more fine with that. It was just him saying “Oh”, when someone walked out of the water or something. Which is just like, what am I supposed to do or say to that.. am I supposed to ask or wonder what makes him go “Oh”. He did stop doing this after I told him (after several times telling him), but it stopped.

Another thing is his father taking about a college of his and saying “she’s so good looking / hot” IN FRONT OF me, my ex and HIS MOTHER. And my ex replied: “that’s something I would never be allowed to say”. Like is that something you want to say? It’s almost implying that I control what he’s allowed to say or not and I was very confused and hurt.

Another example is my ex liking a post of his class mate wearing a wet tank top titled “Wet tee”, where her boobs is quite visible.. I guess I can’t really fault him for this since it’s just an insta post, but being honest, I’d rather my partner not like something like that, if it isn’t his close friend. 

I think it just comes down to consideration and I haven’t felt considered in these situations.

Edited October 16 by Linnea

[ExpatInItaly]

8 minutes ago, Linnea said:

Another thing is his father taking about a college of his and saying “she’s so good looking / hot” IN FRONT OF me, my ex and HIS MOTHER.

This is where he learned this behaviour. Monkey see, monkey do. 

Your ex has a lot of growing up to do. I would be glad it's over so you can find someone more mature and mindul. 

[Linnea]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is where he learned this behaviour. Monkey see, monkey do. 

Your ex has a lot of growing up to do. I would be glad it's over so you can find someone more mature and mindul. 

Yes I think so too! And whenever I tried to tell him or confront him about his behavior (implying that it had to do with his upbringing/environment) he got very defensive and played the victim saying he felt very hurt that I thought that of him (that his behaviors were immature). 
 

Yes, I’m glad it’s over. I’ve just been racking my brain about these situations over and over because I really don’t want to be a jealous or unreasonable person with unrealistic expectations. But I do believe that the right person for me wouldn’t behave in this way.

[Leihla_B]

If you're glad the relationship is over, that's what matters. It's fine to hold out for someone who shares your sensibilities on this stuff.

[mark clemson]

Your "boundaries" are yours, but I think many if not most men would feel an expectation that a male "will never look at" erotic pictures and similar is overly controlling. It's also likely setting yourself up for major disappointments when these overly restrictive boundaries get violated. Men have 2 large testosterone producing glands hanging off our bodies, and we learn at an early age how to deal with this situation. It doesn't mean we don't love our actual GF, wife, etc.

A few years back there was a female poster proclaiming how her husband never looked at porn, etc. Turns out, yep, he did, he just wasn't being honest with her about it. Don't be TOO shocked if your quest for a "no-porn" male ends similarly.

You might not appreciate my direct approach in responding to your post. However, please recognize that I'm trying to help you see how you're potentially setting yourself up for failed relationships/marriage here. Over the long haul, relationships are about compromise, and severely restrictive "boundaries" will have a strong tendency to get violated. GL.

Edited October 18 by mark clemson

[Leihla_B]

10 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

...please recognize that I'm trying to help you see how you're potentially setting yourself up for failed relationships/marriage here. Over the long haul, relationships are about compromise, and severely restrictive "boundaries" will have a strong tendency to get violated. GL.

I agree. OP, if you want your sensibilities matched, understand, it's usually the religious or political male figure who professes the loudest against certain private sexual behaviors that gets exposed for having far, far larger skeletons in his own closet.

Policing another adult's masturbatory practices, IMO, is like policing someone's private bathroom habits. That's off limits, except when parenting a toddler, and even then, respect is required to avoid damaging that relationship and that child. But there's nothing less sexy and more damaging than 'parenting' a fully grown adult.

Some women are hyper-sensitive about this stuff, and I just cannot relate. I've just never had the bandwidth or the inclination to invade or control the sexual fantasies of a lover. I view masturbation as natural behavior and attempts to squelch it as not only unnatural, but harmful to the psyche of both people involved.

[ShyViolet]

I really think you are overly controlling and insecure.  You have a bit of growing up to do if you expect a man you're dating to never, ever find another human being attractive.  Men do find other women attractive and look at other women.  It has nothing to do with their likelihood to cheat.  If you want to police the type of pictures that your man is allowed to look at on his phone, you might end up sabotaging good relationships.  It's up to you how strict you want to be about this but I honestly find it a bit ridiculous.

The story he gave you about his friend using his phone sounds like BS and is probably not true, but maybe he felt pressure to come up with a story like this because he knew how overly sensitive you are about this stuff and didn't want to hear you blow up about it.

Edited October 19 by ShyViolet

[Alpacalia]

I don't see what the big deal is, it would be no different than watching a guy movie with an actress in a bikini, it doesn't mean you would cheat on your SO with that actress.

I feel that he is only human and can enjoy looking at beautiful models. It doesn't mean that he would cheat on you or that he doesn't find you attractive. It's just a harmless moment of appreciation for beauty. 

When you start policing what someone can or cannot look at, you're crossing the line into possessive and controlling behavior. Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship and you don't trust him to look at a few models on instagram.

Now, if he was openly communicating with these women then I might change my tune but it is no different than men looking at magazines albeit it is online so of course it's more accessible nowadays.

[Els]

The instagram model thing is a non-issue IMO. That being said, I think the conversation with the father is a much bigger deal. I'm trying to think of a 50+ yo who thinks it's appropriate to say "she's so hot" in front of their kid and their kid's significant other, and I just... can't. That just goes WAY beyond the realm of social manners, and I shudder to think of what sort of behaviour he's normalized for his son. It wouldn't necessarily be a dealbreaker for me since not everyone is like their parents, but it would be a red flag and would make me watch out for more examples of this behaviour.