Lingerie insta models - totally innocent?

[Linnea]

Hi! When I was with my ex, a situation happened that I would like some opinions on. Here’s what happened:

Me and my ex were at dinner at his parents house. At one point he took out his phone and went on instagram. He was on the explore page for a split second, before quickly changing it back to home page. Me, always sitting close to him, caught a glimpse of what was there; several posts of instagram models in lingerie, along with the usual content he looks at. Feeling deeply disrespected of what I saw, I went upstairs when his parents prepared dessert, in order to gather my thoughts and in hope that he would come after me. He did, and asked how I was. Then he explained that while he was away recently, staying at his friend’s house, his friend had taken his (my ex’s) phone and showed him pictures of a/several insta models, saying how hot they were. 
 

My thing is… I don’t really buy this story, because last time I checked, the explore page isn’t that impressionable that all it takes is searching for someone and clicking on a few posts, for several similar posts to show up on explore page. You also have to like several. So let’s say his friend did also like these posts (while using his phone), strange to me but let’s say that’s really what happened and my ex had nothing at all to do with this… WHY are two men in relationships looking at insta models and why isn’t my ex then saying; hey, I don’t feel comfortable doing this, it doesn’t feel right to me because of Linnea (me).

I would really love someone’s honest opinion on this, since several seemingly innocent incidents have happened where I’ve felt disrespected, causing me to be jealous and insecure in the relationship and ultimately the demise of it. I’ve never been an insecure person outside of this relationship, however, I know that as the relationship went on and my thoughts spiraled, I was also reading in to things that he had no control over whatsoever. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't buy his story, either.

He more than likely had just been checking them out himself because he liked the eye candy. Then he came up with a pretty flimsy excuse when he saw it upset you. 

I can't speak to whether it's acceptable or not for him to have been enjoying photos of other women,, as everyone has their own expectations and standards in a relationship. But if it was not okay for you, then you were right to leave the relationship. Some women might be fine with it, others not. There is no right or wrong here. Only what works for you, and finding a partner whose views are compatible with you own (and vice versa)

11 minutes ago, Linnea said:

since several seemingly innocent incidents have happened where I’ve felt disrespected, causing me to be jealous and insecure

For example? 

[Linnea]

Thanks for your insights! I don’t want that type of behavior to play any part of my relationship. And I think our different perspectives clashed a lot. And it didn’t make it easier that he wasn’t really open minded to hearing my perspective all the time or open to understanding that we had different expectations. 

Some other example is commenting on girls while looking at reality TV shows (love island for example). But not commenting in the sense of: hey look Linnea what a huge looking butt she has, I honestly would have been more fine with that. It was just him saying “Oh”, when someone walked out of the water or something. Which is just like, what am I supposed to do or say to that.. am I supposed to ask or wonder what makes him go “Oh”. He did stop doing this after I told him (after several times telling him), but it stopped.

Another thing is his father taking about a college of his and saying “she’s so good looking / hot” IN FRONT OF me, my ex and HIS MOTHER. And my ex replied: “that’s something I would never be allowed to say”. Like is that something you want to say? It’s almost implying that I control what he’s allowed to say or not and I was very confused and hurt.

Another example is my ex liking a post of his class mate wearing a wet tank top titled “Wet tee”, where her boobs is quite visible.. I guess I can’t really fault him for this since it’s just an insta post, but being honest, I’d rather my partner not like something like that, if it isn’t his close friend. 

I think it just comes down to consideration and I haven’t felt considered in these situations.

Edited Wednesday at 08:07 AM by Linnea

[ExpatInItaly]

8 minutes ago, Linnea said:

Another thing is his father taking about a college of his and saying “she’s so good looking / hot” IN FRONT OF me, my ex and HIS MOTHER.

This is where he learned this behaviour. Monkey see, monkey do. 

Your ex has a lot of growing up to do. I would be glad it's over so you can find someone more mature and mindul. 

[Linnea]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is where he learned this behaviour. Monkey see, monkey do. 

Your ex has a lot of growing up to do. I would be glad it's over so you can find someone more mature and mindul. 

Yes I think so too! And whenever I tried to tell him or confront him about his behavior (implying that it had to do with his upbringing/environment) he got very defensive and played the victim saying he felt very hurt that I thought that of him (that his behaviors were immature). 
 

Yes, I’m glad it’s over. I’ve just been racking my brain about these situations over and over because I really don’t want to be a jealous or unreasonable person with unrealistic expectations. But I do believe that the right person for me wouldn’t behave in this way.

[Leihla_B]

If you're glad the relationship is over, that's what matters. It's fine to hold out for someone who shares your sensibilities on this stuff.