Hard time

[Justagirl999]

I've been going through a hard time lately...mentally. The thing is I have been single for the past almost two years. I've always thought that by that time I would be married with kids. But things didn't happen that way. And now I feel so lost to the point I don't see meaning in anything. Don't get me wrong, I am not the type of person who can't live if they're not in a relationship and I have never been that type. It's just... I've always dreamed of that big true love, having family, kids...And when you add the fact that besides that I also feel presured by the sociaty and the time in general...I feel like I've lost all hope. I don't want to talk about that to anyone cause...I don't feel like people would understand me and I am just trying to pretend like I am fine when I am in fact the exact opposite. I don't have desire for anything, I barely even get out of bed and only because I have to cause I don't want to lose my job. I am trying so hard to stay possitive and believe that the right person is coming into my life but...For the past two years I've went on a few dates, talked to a few guys and nothing seems to work. I feel like I am always going for the wrong guy or just not "feeling it" with the others. I put my hopes into someone and then it all comes crashing down when I realize that he was playing a game all along. And I just can't do it anymore...

I am the type of person who is very loyal and loving when in relationship and I just want the same. But I feel like this is so hard to find nowadays. I feel like everyone is playing games, talking to a lot of other people or just looking for one thing and...I just don't fit in in all that. That's why I lost all my hope at this point. And this is why I feel so bad all the time... I know I am not the only one. I know that love is hard to find and I know that other people are going through the same thing but... I just don't know what to do and how to feel better...

[Weezy1973]

9 minutes ago, Justagirl999 said:

I feel like I am always going for the wrong guy or just not "feeling it" with the others.

This makes it sound like you’re attracted to guys that aren’t good relationship material, and the guys that are stable, honest etc. you’re not attracted to. If that’s true, you might need to explore why that is.

[Justagirl999]

6 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

This makes it sound like you’re attracted to guys that aren’t good relationship material, and the guys that are stable, honest etc. you’re not attracted to. If that’s true, you might need to explore why that is.

I think I am just naive to be honest... I am an honest person and would never think to lie to someone about what I want or how I feel cause I don't want to misslead anyone. And I expect people to be the same way but they're not. These guys just know all the right things to say I guess. And I believe that they are what I am looking for when in fact they're not. Thankfully I realize that on time so far but...it's exhausting to get your hopes up and always end up dissapointed... 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Justagirl999 said:

I've been going through a hard time lately...mentally. The thing is I have been single for the past almost two years. I've always thought that by that time I would be married with kids. But things didn't happen that way. And now I feel so lost to the point I don't see meaning in anything. Don't get me wrong, I am not the type of person who can't live if they're not in a relationship and I have never been that type. It's just... I've always dreamed of that big true love, having family, kids...And when you add the fact that besides that I also feel presured by the sociaty and the time in general...I feel like I've lost all hope. I don't want to talk about that to anyone cause...I don't feel like people would understand me and I am just trying to pretend like I am fine when I am in fact the exact opposite. I don't have desire for anything, I barely even get out of bed and only because I have to cause I don't want to lose my job. I am trying so hard to stay possitive and believe that the right person is coming into my life but...For the past two years I've went on a few dates, talked to a few guys and nothing seems to work. I feel like I am always going for the wrong guy or just not "feeling it" with the others. I put my hopes into someone and then it all comes crashing down when I realize that he was playing a game all along. And I just can't do it anymore...

I am the type of person who is very loyal and loving when in relationship and I just want the same. But I feel like this is so hard to find nowadays. I feel like everyone is playing games, talking to a lot of other people or just looking for one thing and...I just don't fit in in all that. That's why I lost all my hope at this point. And this is why I feel so bad all the time... I know I am not the only one. I know that love is hard to find and I know that other people are going through the same thing but... I just don't know what to do and how to feel better...

Awe, I'm so sorry you're feeling down. ((hugs))

Are most of the experiences you've had with the men you're referring to from online dating? Online dating is very hard and meeting someone in real life is challenging if you're not in a setting where you're meeting a lot of people.

I think, btw, what you've experienced is quite common -- for both men AND women. Not to downplay your experiences but it seems to be a common struggle for a lot of people.

[Justagirl999]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

Awe, I'm so sorry you're feeling down. ((hugs))

Are most of the experiences you've had with the men you're referring to from online dating? Online dating is very hard and meeting someone in real life is challenging if you're not in a setting where you're meeting a lot of people.

I think, btw, what you've experienced is quite common -- for both men AND women. Not to downplay your experiences but it seems to be a common struggle for a lot of people.

Actually, no. My last relationship was a huge dissapointment. It was a long relationship and I was trusting this person. Everything ended pretty bad - he was telling me how I am the girl for him, how he wants to be with me forever and there is no other girl for him. Five days later I found out that he was cheating the whole time we were together, with multiple different people. Needless to say my trust for man in general was broken. Also the relationship ended at a time when I already wanted family and kids...That's why it was even harder for me. After awhile I realized that this person just wasnt the right for me and even got excited about what's coming next. But...it was just one dissapointment after another. The last one being from someone I met online. But he was the only one I've met that way actually. Charming, good with words but...as it turned out, nothing more. 

Yeah, I know that a lot of people are going through the same thing. And that's why I don't talk about it with anyone - cause it feels almost embarrasing that I am feeling this way. And not everyone going through it, takes it the same way as I do /good for them/. So...not a lot of people who would understand...  

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, Justagirl999 said:

Actually, no. My last relationship was a huge dissapointment. It was a long relationship and I was trusting this person. Everything ended pretty bad - he was telling me how I am the girl for him, how he wants to be with me forever and there is no other girl for him. Five days later I found out that he was cheating the whole time we were together, with multiple different people. Needless to say my trust for man in general was broken. Also the relationship ended at a time when I already wanted family and kids...That's why it was even harder for me. After awhile I realized that this person just wasnt the right for me and even got excited about what's coming next. But...it was just one dissapointment after another. The last one being from someone I met online. But he was the only one I've met that way actually. Charming, good with words but...as it turned out, nothing more. 

Yeah, I know that a lot of people are going through the same thing. And that's why I don't talk about it with anyone - cause it feels almost embarrasing that I am feeling this way. And not everyone going through it, takes it the same way as I do /good for them/. So...not a lot of people who would understand...  

Ugh. That's horrible.

That will for sure erode your trust.

I was engaged to be married, and found out a few months prior to the wedding that he had kissed another woman. Needless to say, it damaged my trust as well and it's taken quite some time to rebuild. 

Then I met someone I was over the moon about, but that didn't work out so I was like "stick a fork in me, I'm done." lol

Don't feel embarrassed, we all struggle with something or another. 

It's very hard to recover after you've been cheated on. It ignites a confusion and uncertainty.  

[Gaeta]

Oh dear, it's normal to feel down when things don't go our way but you don't let it overcome your spirit. It always took me time to meet the right partner at least 2-3 years and hundreds of meetings.

It's a numbers game. More doors you knock on more chances one will open.  I wanted to meet someone so bad I was ready to knock at 300 doors if I had to and I did.

I had this conversation with my bf, I said I wished I had met him when we were both young and we could have had a life time together. He said he thinks about that too but it would not have worked between us because when he was younger he was a selfish partner, everything was about his career, and his past relationships suffered because of that. We met later in life when we're both mature, we got our priorities in order, we're kinder. Justagirl999 If it's not happening to you now it's because you still have things to learn before it happens to you. 

[Justagirl999]

11 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Ugh. That's horrible.

That will for sure erode your trust.

I was engaged to be married, and found out a few months prior to the wedding that he had kissed another woman. Needless to say, it damaged my trust as well and it's taken quite some time to rebuild. 

Then I met someone I was over the moon about, but that didn't work out so I was like "stick a fork in me, I'm done." lol

Don't feel embarrassed, we all struggle with something or another. 

It's very hard to recover after you've been cheated on. It ignites a confusion and uncertainty.  

I am so sorry you went through that... :( 

It's good to know someone understands me. Thank you for that! 

Please tell me that after everything you're well and happy and you've met the right person. I need to know that things work out at the end. :( 

[Justagirl999]

10 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Oh dear, it's normal to feel down when things don't go our way but you don't let it overcome your spirit. It always took me time to meet the right partner at least 2-3 years and hundreds of meetings.

It's a numbers game. More doors you knock on more chances one will open.  I wanted to meet someone so bad I was ready to knock at 300 doors if I had to and I did.

I had this conversation with my bf, I said I wished I had met him when we were both young and we could have had a life time together. He said he thinks about that too but it would not have worked between us because when he was younger he was a selfish partner, everything was about his career, and his past relationships suffered because of that. We met later in life when we're both mature, we got our priorities in order, we're kinder. Justagirl999 If it's not happening to you now it's because you still have things to learn before it happens to you. 

You're right. I know you're right! And I am trying so hard to stay possitive and believe that "not now" doesn't mean "never" but I just feel so tired of being let down and dissapointed. It's hurtful getting attached to someone only to find out that he was playing a game all along...

[Georgia46]

33 minutes ago, Justagirl999 said:

You're right. I know you're right! And I am trying so hard to stay possitive and believe that "not now" doesn't mean "never" but I just feel so tired of being let down and dissapointed. It's hurtful getting attached to someone only to find out that he was playing a game all along...

What I’ve learnt along the way is that rejection really is re-direction.    Sure you get many disappointments & heartbreaks but that’s how you grow.   Not everyone is going to be able to love you.  
  As long as you love yourself - that’s what’s most important.    if you love yourself enough, you should be able to bounce back and look at it like if they don’t want me, I don’t want them either.   
Unfortunately, there are many game players & charmers out there and I have, many a time, fallen for their charms…( I can’t resist a bad boy or a charmer)   but in the end, you learn to trust your intuition.

   So every bad experience - it teaches you something… it teaches you what you won’t settle for.  
 

I believe in true love … and I’m sure you’ll find it.

 You just have to keep searching. and remember how many men are actually out there…. Don’t let a few dodgy ones faze you. 
 

Good luck and hugs 🤗 
 

 

[Justagirl999]

1 hour ago, Georgia46 said:

What I’ve learnt along the way is that rejection really is re-direction.    Sure you get many disappointments & heartbreaks but that’s how you grow.   Not everyone is going to be able to love you.  
  As long as you love yourself - that’s what’s most important.    if you love yourself enough, you should be able to bounce back and look at it like if they don’t want me, I don’t want them either.   
Unfortunately, there are many game players & charmers out there and I have, many a time, fallen for their charms…( I can’t resist a bad boy or a charmer)   but in the end, you learn to trust your intuition.

   So every bad experience - it teaches you something… it teaches you what you won’t settle for.  
 

I believe in true love … and I’m sure you’ll find it.

 You just have to keep searching. and remember how many men are actually out there…. Don’t let a few dodgy ones faze you. 
 

Good luck and hugs 🤗 
 

 

Thank you! 

To be honest...In my last relationship I felt like something was wrong but I stayed because I trusted him and thought it was only in my head and I was afraid that I might make the wrong decision. It turned out he was cheating the whole time and I just wasted a lot of my time. So...now...part of me is proud of myself that this time, even though I really wanted things to work out, I made the choice to move on and think "if this person means everthing that he says he wouldn't just let things end like that. If he does...Then my intuition telling me there's something wrong was right." But I just can't help but feel awful right now... 

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, Justagirl999 said:

I am so sorry you went through that...

It's good to know someone understands me. Thank you for that! 

Please tell me that after everything you're well and happy and you've met the right person. I need to know that things work out at the end.

Thank you. 😇

I'm well and happy. A different kind of happy. 😜

Do I eventually hope to find love and settle down? Sure, but, my life doesn't stop because I'm not in a relationship. I have seen the dark side of people that have been in long term relationships. That's not what I want for myself. 

Being in a relationship isn't the end goal for me, it's an added bonus.

When you say you need to know that things work out in the end, it implies that being in a relationship is the ultimate goal in life. 

It's okay if that is what you want for yourself, but try not to get so focused on finding the right person that you forget to live your life. Enjoy the present and everything it has to offer, and let love come naturally. Trust me, it will happen when the time is right for you. 

Take care and embrace the wonderful things that life has to offer you. 💕

[Georgia46]

4 hours ago, Justagirl999 said:

Thank you! 

To be honest...In my last relationship I felt like something was wrong but I stayed because I trusted him and thought it was only in my head and I was afraid that I might make the wrong decision. It turned out he was cheating the whole time and I just wasted a lot of my time. So...now...part of me is proud of myself that this time, even though I really wanted things to work out, I made the choice to move on and think "if this person means everthing that he says he wouldn't just let things end like that. If he does...Then my intuition telling me there's something wrong was right." But I just can't help but feel awful right now... 

I get you.   But you have to feel your way through it to come out the other side - and you will so much better than before. 
 

this life is really short and you can only do your best.
 

  Ive been a cheater, been cheated on, done things I’m not proud of but it’s all been a lesson …. 

 

sometimes if your empathetic you tend to ignore your intuition about people, always trying to see the good in them that isn’t actually there .. but that’s not a bad way to be . 
 

you’ll get through this 😎😎😎

[Alpacalia]

6 hours ago, Justagirl999 said:

You're right. I know you're right! And I am trying so hard to stay possitive and believe that "not now" doesn't mean "never" but I just feel so tired of being let down and dissapointed. It's hurtful getting attached to someone only to find out that he was playing a game all along...

I've seen so many people do things for the person who betrayed them, thinking that it will make them come to their senses. But the reality is, cheaters are not thinking about your feelings or what's best for you. I mentioned in another thread I broke up with my boyfriend in high school because I started to develop feelings towards someone else and before anything happened, I ended things with him. That was so selfish I did but it's the better option than to cheat on someone. 

It sounds like you're still in your process to heal and your emotions are still raw . Give yourself some time .I'm a strong believer that new relationship is not a good way to heal a person's emptiness because you need to fix that space within yourself first before you can go to another level and that's by your actions.

[Georgia46]

1 minute ago, Alpacalia said:

I've seen so many people do things for the person who betrayed them, thinking that it will make them come to their senses. But the reality is, cheaters are not thinking about your feelings or what's best for you. I mentioned in another thread I broke up with my boyfriend in high school because I started to develop feelings towards someone else and before anything happened, I ended things with him. That was so selfish I did but it's the better option than to cheat on someone. 

It sounds like you're still in your process to heal and your emotions are still raw . Give yourself some time .I'm a strong believer that new relationship is not a good way to heal a person's emptiness because you need to fix that space within yourself first before you can go to another level and that's by your actions.

I agree with you.

 

another person can’t fix you - you have to fix yourself first and learn to be fine by yourself. 
 

sure, it’s lovely to have a boyfriend/ husband … but life doesn’t stop if you don’t.   

[Leihla_B]

My heart goes out to you. The online guy didn't reject you--he never knew you. He wanted free therapy, not a date.Screening out bad matches early is important to avoid investing in breadcrumbs.

Dis-illusion-ment is painful, so don't build illusions 'around' anyone. Screen by being clear about your goal of finding a committed relationship. "Next' anyone who doesn't step up fast and with enthusiasm. Avoid lots of messages or calls by asking to meet for a quick coffee to check one another out. If they won't, can't, or delay, tell them it was nice connecting; they are welcome to contact you if they'd like to set up a date.

I love @Georgia46's definition of rejection. Redirecting your focus away from those who don't have the capacity to view you through the right lens will eventually lead you to the rare person who DOES own that vision. Rare is the key word, or what would be so special about him? Rare is what leads to simpatico--you won't find that with just anybody.

When you can love yourself enough to overcome ideas about being broken or damaged or embarrassed about who you are, you'll be proud of your unique value, and no mere mortal can shake it from you. Embrace any quirks or weirdness that make you YOU, and focus only on weeding out everyone except the ONE guy who can appreciate you. Head high!

[Justagirl999]

4 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I've seen so many people do things for the person who betrayed them, thinking that it will make them come to their senses. But the reality is, cheaters are not thinking about your feelings or what's best for you. I mentioned in another thread I broke up with my boyfriend in high school because I started to develop feelings towards someone else and before anything happened, I ended things with him. That was so selfish I did but it's the better option than to cheat on someone. 

It sounds like you're still in your process to heal and your emotions are still raw . Give yourself some time .I'm a strong believer that new relationship is not a good way to heal a person's emptiness because you need to fix that space within yourself first before you can go to another level and that's by your actions.

I don't think what you did was selfish. I think it's the exact opposite and the right thing to do. We can't control who we fall for but we can control what we do. It's better to be honest with someone instead of lie to them and make them feel like a fool. 

If you mean my last relationship...I'm all healed to be honest. I realized a lot and I thought i learned my lessons even though right now I am not so sure... i guess I keep believing pretty words over actions...

[Justagirl999]

1 hour ago, Leihla_B said:

My heart goes out to you. The online guy didn't reject you--he never knew you. He wanted free therapy, not a date.Screening out bad matches early is important to avoid investing in breadcrumbs.

Dis-illusion-ment is painful, so don't build illusions 'around' anyone. Screen by being clear about your goal of finding a committed relationship. "Next' anyone who doesn't step up fast and with enthusiasm. Avoid lots of messages or calls by asking to meet for a quick coffee to check one another out. If they won't, can't, or delay, tell them it was nice connecting; they are welcome to contact you if they'd like to set up a date.

I love @Georgia46's definition of rejection. Redirecting your focus away from those who don't have the capacity to view you through the right lens will eventually lead you to the rare person who DOES own that vision. Rare is the key word, or what would be so special about him? Rare is what leads to simpatico--you won't find that with just anybody.

When you can love yourself enough to overcome ideas about being broken or damaged or embarrassed about who you are, you'll be proud of your unique value, and no mere mortal can shake it from you. Embrace any quirks or weirdness that make you YOU, and focus only on weeding out everyone except the ONE guy who can appreciate you. Head high!

Thank you! You're so sweet! 

And yes...the illusion I had with the online guy about who he was and what he wants and what could be is what makes me feel bad. But it was all an illusion after all based on his pretty words and me being naive... So I am proud of myself that I decided to end things with him even though now I feel bad that once again things didn't work out how I hoped they would because...it's better to feel bad for a few days insted of your whole life with the wrong peson. I don't know if he had the intention to actually meet /cause this is what he was telling me to the last day/ but it doesn't matter anymore. "If he wanted to, he would", right? I just hope something better is coming.

[Georgia46]

3 hours ago, Justagirl999 said:

Thank you! You're so sweet! 

And yes...the illusion I had with the online guy about who he was and what he wants and what could be is what makes me feel bad. But it was all an illusion after all based on his pretty words and me being naive... So I am proud of myself that I decided to end things with him even though now I feel bad that once again things didn't work out how I hoped they would because...it's better to feel bad for a few days insted of your whole life with the wrong peson. I don't know if he had the intention to actually meet /cause this is what he was telling me to the last day/ but it doesn't matter anymore. "If he wanted to, he would", right? I just hope something better is coming.

Don’t stress it too much.   
what’s meant to be will definitely be.  
if he misses you he’ll come back and if he doesn’t… there’s your answer. 
 

men eh… I sometimes wonder why we bother 🫣
 

[Alpacalia]

On 10/17/2024 at 12:29 PM, Justagirl999 said:

i guess I keep believing pretty words over actions...

So make it point not to going forward. That's how we learn, evolve and grow. You learn to let go of the ones that give you flowery words but doesn't make an effort to actually see you or move things forward. I guess what I am trying to say is, why put your life on hold for someone that 1. Doesn't live near you 2. Isn't planning to make an effort to see you 3. Keeps making excuse after excuse etc... 

I am all for taking chances but only with those that are brave enough to take them for yourself too. Not just there for the ride.

Edited October 18 by Alpacalia

[Leihla_B]

2 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

So make it point not to going forward. That's how we learn, evolve and grow. You learn to let go of the ones that give you flowery words but doesn't make an effort to actually see you or move things forward. I guess what I am trying to say is, why put your life on hold for someone that 1. Doesn't live near you 2. Isn't planning to make an effort to see you 3. Keeps making excuse after excuse etc... 

I am all for taking chances but only with those that are brave enough to take them for yourself too. Not just there for the ride.

Well said. OP, nobody can force you to learn how to screen out bad matches rather than stick around and invest your hope into anyone willing to pay you some attention. You're self-sabotaging.

Resilience is a learnable skill, but you'll need to reject smooth talkers as quickly as their first excuse for not stepping up. The language is, "It was so great connecting with you. You're welcome to contact me if you would like to schedule a date." Then walk away and set up a coffee meet with the next one.