Husband with history of large debt wants to take a pay cut

[Gaeta]

I'm noticing that here you repeated a few times that you're the one that paid for the wedding, honeymoon, car, house, etc. Do you repeat that to him too? I think you should put that to rest. You voluntered to pay all that knowing he could not provide equally. He would probably be more receptive without that being reminded.

Life happens and plans change. If l were you l would not dream of working part time, and l would not have another child with him. 

Why do you think he wants to quit his job? Is he the type of people that gets bored fast and changes jobs all the time?

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Worried32 said:

I appreciate that advice. I always end up feeling bad for him and try my best to be fair. I want to be firm with him about taking a pay cut but haven’t wanted to make him feel forced to do it if that makes sense and end up resenting me. I try to make him aware of the realities of life if he does as I refuse to fund anymore major expenses. Maybe a way I could approach it is if he sticks with this job until another similar opportunity arises or until he has some savings where he can afford a pay cut? 

What if you said "let's do the budget together and see what we can afford"?    Perhaps when he sees the figures, he will work this out for himself

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Worried32 said:

Only thing I find is that I get why he shuts down, and it’s because he is embarrassed

Is it really embarrassment though?  Because I'm betting it's an avoidance technique: he shuts down and so the conversation can't happen.   Weaponised incompetence is a real thing

[Worried32]

40 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I'm noticing that here you repeated a few times that you're the one that paid for the wedding, honeymoon, car, house, etc. Do you repeat that to him too? I think you should put that to rest. You voluntered to pay all that knowing he could not provide equally. He would probably be more receptive without that being reminded.

Life happens and plans change. If l were you l would not dream of working part time, and l would not have another child with him. 

Why do you think he wants to quit his job? Is he the type of people that gets bored fast and changes jobs all the time?

I have not once mentioned to him about what I have paid for. I know that if I was willing to do it I can’t keep throwing it in his face.  
 

he doesn’t get bored easy, he has been with the organisation 10 years. I think he has just checked out and needs a change. 

[BaileyB]

8 hours ago, Worried32 said:

I have not once mentioned to him about what I have paid for. I know that if I was willing to do it I can’t keep throwing it in his face.  

No, you can’t keep throwing it in his face… but, he can’t also assume that you are fine with it either. If you’ve offered, and you never mention it - he just continues on his way thinking that this is how it goes… that’s not good either.

Personally, I would sit down and create a budget together. Talk about your financial goals and tell him - I have stepped up in the past. I paid for some big things because it was in our beat interest for me to do so while you paid off your debt. But, moving forward, I’m not going to do that again. Major financial decisions will need to be made together and I expect that you will share the cost with me evenly…

If you sit together to do a budget and talk about goals, it brings him into the discussion and it helps him to determine what he needs to bring to the table to support your family - together. He’s still likely to need you to lead the way, but he needs to be a part of the solution - as Dr Phil used to say…

[Leihla_B]

5 hours ago, BaileyB said:

If you sit together to do a budget and talk about goals, it brings him into the discussion and it helps him to determine what he needs to bring to the table to support your family - together. He’s still likely to need you to lead the way, but he needs to be a part of the solution - as Dr Phil used to say…

And if shutting down is husband's way of pushing all financial responsibility onto you, then scheduling you both to meet with a financial adviser--or more than one for a second, even third opinion, may have a 'Dr. Phil' effect on husband. It changes your role from acting as the 'bad guy' to both of you acting as a TEAM being coached.

Find a good coach so you can stop 'parenting' your husband. You can raise all your questions in front of husband, encourage husband to ask questions, and the answers can prompt you both to strategize together, as opposed to feeling like you are adversaries.

[ShyViolet]

He's made a lot of irresponsible choices but you have made irresponsible choices as well.  You say you knew that he was like this since before you got married, and you paid for the wedding, house down payment and honeymoon, and now you've had a child with this person.  Why would you attach yourself inextricably to this situation and basically enable this for so long. 

[S2B]

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I’m on parental leave then hoping to work part time. His decision means we may not be able to afford for me to work part time and for our second child for me to not have much time off work. I straight out said as long as he can still save I’ll support itand that it has to be his decision and I’m not influencing him in any way or have any opinion as if the family doesn't suffer then I don’t mind because I am not going to have him stay in the higher paying job for me. If he does it’s his decision but I’m always being realistic and telling him how much harder it will be for us. He has no concept of how expensive kids are when older and with two. 

 

you say you are leaving it to him.

but you have a whole list of requirements for his decision. So you are NOT leaving it to him!

if YOU want a,b,c,d and e as requirements - of which all your requirements look at him as your bag of money - you should be the one to go back to work full time. Go back - get two jobs yourself if you think you NEED all these things to stay married to him!

sheez, it doesn’t even sound like you love or respect him! You look at him as “what can I get out of this guy”.

go make your own money - you had a child with him knowing he was like this. If you need more material things then YOU work work work and earn more yourself!

it’s like you just want to penalize this guy for being with you. Give him a break. 

[Worried32]

9 hours ago, S2B said:

you say you are leaving it to him.

but you have a whole list of requirements for his decision. So you are NOT leaving it to him!

if YOU want a,b,c,d and e as requirements - of which all your requirements look at him as your bag of money - you should be the one to go back to work full time. Go back - get two jobs yourself if you think you NEED all these things to stay married to him!

sheez, it doesn’t even sound like you love or respect him! You look at him as “what can I get out of this guy”.

go make your own money - you had a child with him knowing he was like this. If you need more material things then YOU work work work and earn more yourself!

it’s like you just want to penalize this guy for being with you. Give him a break. 

Interesting take on it…..I don’t have a list of requirements. I’ve just asked if he’d be ok with saving a little bit more. I’m not out here asking him to save money so I can spend it on clothes etc just so we have financial security for us and our child. That’s not an unreasonable request. 

[Gaeta]

On 10/17/2024 at 1:38 AM, Worried32 said:

He is also considering a career change altogether for even less money again but getting a second job so we can just make ends meet. Am i wrong for feeling like he is incredibly selfish?

Did this just come out of the blue? How old is he? Could this be a middle life crisis? 

[Leihla_B]

14 hours ago, S2B said:

you say you are leaving it to him.

but you have a whole list of requirements for his decision. So you are NOT leaving it to him!

if YOU want a,b,c,d and e as requirements - of which all your requirements look at him as your bag of money - you should be the one to go back to work full time. Go back - get two jobs yourself if you think you NEED all these things to stay married to him!

sheez, it doesn’t even sound like you love or respect him! You look at him as “what can I get out of this guy”.

go make your own money - you had a child with him knowing he was like this. If you need more material things then YOU work work work and earn more yourself!

it’s like you just want to penalize this guy for being with you. Give him a break. 

Wow, this is harsh. These aren't two independent roommates, and this isn't some pesky girlfriend. They've made vows to be interdependent with one another and are raising a child together. They are a team, and they both have the right to bargain with one another. OP has spoken of him lovingly quite often, and she's smart for gaining input about reasonable ways to negotiate with him.

[Els]

On 10/18/2024 at 4:22 AM, Worried32 said:

He only paid off the debt due to me encouraging him to pay it etc. if he is left to his own devices he is reckless and never would have paid it off.

Wow, this is incredibly condescending towards him. Nobody does something major like paying off massive debt solely due to "being encouraged to do so". If a person truly doesn't care and can't be bothered, no amount of "encouragement" would make them do something like that. It's his own effort that paid off the debt.

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Where he’d have to work two jobs to make ends meet, lose time with his daughter, means I’d basically be parenting like a single mother as he’d never be home

His decision means we may not be able to afford for me to work part time and for our second child for me to not have much time off work.

Instead of all these changes, why not just have him work the one job (whichever job he likes) and be the primary childcarer while you are the primary breadwinner? It makes no sense for him to work two jobs for you to work part time if you are the higher earner.

With all due respect, he hasn't exactly hidden anything from you, and you chose to marry him and have children with him anyway. What exactly were you expecting when you made those decisions? He's shown you who he is, your choices were to accept it or leave, and presumably you chose to accept it. I don't think it's fair for him to be a completely different person just for your sake. It's not like he's throwing money away and accumulating more debt or being chronically unemployed while not doing anything around the house... this person has actually paid off debt, is pulling his weight around the house and is in full-time employment, albeit not at a pay scale of your liking. Most people would consider that a reasonably decent partner.