If my bf visits dating sites could he still love me?

[denny45]

hello, I have been seeing this guy for over 6 months now. We met on a dating site and talked on line for a month before finally meeting. Well we are in a lovely, friendly, passionate relationship right now and when we are together he makes me feel special and as though I have never been loved before. He lives about 25 miles away from me and we only meet about twice a week although we phone and text many times a day. However, as I am older than he (he's 38) and hes not got children we are talking serious about marrying and having a child together to cement our relationship............. My problem is that throughout all our time together he has been talking to women on dating sites. Is this normal?

 

I tried at first taking my profile off thinking he would too ( he told me when we first got together that he would delete his profile if he was serious about someone). This did not work. So now I have put mine back on. It has caused problems between us because of my jealousy surrounding this issue. I have now posted a photo which he finds too sexy and is jealous about just to annoy him but he knows that I never reply to any new messages anyway and am only online to check now and again if he is. Sometimes he will be logged onto these sites for over 2 hours a day which I find really worrying. He says that he goes on because he is bored at home on his own. He rents a house with 2 other guys. I feel that he is constantly on the lookout for something better than what I can offer. I know he is not happy about the fact that I already have 3 kids. He has not spent that much time with them since we have been together and I am sure that he is worried about moving in with me for this reason.

 

Anyway all I really want to know is whether it is normal for guys to feel the need to spend hours on dating sites looking at and chatting to other women. He rarely goes out in the evening as he works til 10pm at night in the week and at weekends he is seeing me. Am I over reacting?

[JayKay]

If someone is truly in love, they do not continue to chat up other women on a dating site.

 

It sounds like he likes your relationship but wants to keep his 'options' open.

 

I'd sit him down and tell him you want a monogamous relationship or nothing at all. Monogamy means you don't leave the door open to meet potential new partners.

[Madeleine]

I think you should be more concerned about the fact he is not happy with you having 3 children.

 

You say you have seriously talked about marrying and having a child together, yet he clearly doesn't have any kind of relationship with the 3 children who would become his step-kids if you were to marry. If he shows no interest in your children, yet wants a child of his own, it could lead to massive problems within the family. It's highly likely he would favour his own child and possibly even end up resenting your children, leaving them feeling pushed out. Your own children could become psychologically damaged as a result.

 

My advice is to forget all thoughts about marrying, having children or even living together until he proves to you that he is prepared to accept you AND your children, proves that he would be a good role model for ANY child, and you're confident that he will not discriminate between "your" children and "his".

[Mz. Pixie]

Madelaine has made some good points.

 

However- when I met my now husband- we've been married six months- he admitted to me that he used to post on Yahoo personals. I looked up his profile to see what it said by his name.

 

Later, he asked me not to date anyone else. I went back and sure enough his profile was not active.

 

A man who is happy in his relationship is not chatting up other women and keeping his options open.

[Walk]

I agree with the other posters that a man who is happy with his relationship in my experience doesn't spend time chatting up other women. You said you've only been dating for 6 months or so... That's supposed to be the "Honeymoon" period, where your partner dominates your thoughts, and you still believe their inconsistencies are "cute".

 

Continuing to talk for several hours on a dating site really seems as if he's looking for some one else, or waiting for someone else. I could possible see having it up, and checking occasionally, but the several hours thing is a red flag to me.

 

To me (and this is only my view) deep discussions on marriage and having another child after only 6 months of dating is fast. It would scare the beejesus out of me if my SO that I only saw 2 times a week started planning our entire future together. Were any of the discussions on marriage and children initiated by your bf? Was it originally brought up by your bf? Or have most of the conversations regarding it been started by you?

 

And the idea of having a child together to "cement the relationship", is not a good idea. To me, it would basically be saying "I want a child with you so that you can never leave". I wouldn't find it a loving gesture, but a chain. Now, if your desire to have a child together was becase you felt he'd be an exceptional father, a wonderful husband, etc.. That's different. But to have a child in order to make the two of you stronger, is not a terrible healthy view of having kids. (This is just my opinion)

 

So I'm wondering if your guy is feeling rushed, scared, and pushed toward a much bigger committment then he's ready or prepared for. It seems that he loves you and doesn't want to leave you, but on the other hand, the idea of having other options available if things get too pressured would be very freeing. He may not even be concious of his reasons why he's on there. Or he is, but he doesn't see it as harmful becase he's not planning on acting on anything until/unless things get worse.

[Walk]

You know what I would do if I were in your shoes... I'm not saying this will definitly work, but it's a suggestion.

 

I'd sit him down and tell him that you were premature in discussing marriage and kids with him to such a degree. Something along the lines of:

 

"I was thinking about the discussions we had about marriage and having a child, and I really think I went a overboard in talking about it. We haven't been dating that long, and it was really premature of me to start pressuring you about those kinds of things. I would still like to get married and possibly have another child in the future, but I really think we need to concentrate on getting to know each other better, and then maybe in a few years we can discuss getting married again."

 

To me, this would take the pressure off of "trapping" him into the relationship, while still letting him know what your long term goals are.

 

**Some of this comes off harsh, but I don't mean it that way. I know that you aren't attempting to "trap" him in a relationship, and he probably knows that too, but sometimes we feel "trapped" by our partners desires. We want to fulfill them, but they don't always work with our own desires. Knowing it's in our power and wanting to fulfill them, but not necessarily desiring it for ourselves, leaves people feeling stuck between a rock and a hard place.

 

So, please don't read this as a personal attack on you. I'm really not trying to. I'm only offering a perspective that may not have been looked at before.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Sure it's possible he loves you, but he has no respect for your relationship if he still has his profile up. Boredom is a lousy and unacceptable excuse, there are a million other things he can use the internet for, or even do without a computer.

 

You need to have a serious discussion about each others' expectations. I don't think you can possibly know him well enough after six months to be discussing marriage and having another child.

 

Internet dating/chatting is an addiction, and I am addicted, but I like to think I can end it as soon as I'm in a serious, exclusive relationship with someone, or even if it looks like one.

[Walk]

Just wondering... when you say dating site... you don't mean that myspace website do you?

[sparticuss]

Ahh yes!

The old "does he love me" routing again.

 

me me me me me!

 

Heres a question. Do you love him??

 

Well do ya? Its just so damn important that he loves you and that the world, paticularly his world, revolves aroudn you that most wmen don't stop to think bout if they love him.

 

Having a boyfriend, as a possession, as a status symbol, as an essential fashion acccessory, becomes more important than the love.

 

And, even if you do love him most women are shockers at demonstrating it. Abuse is far more common than love. In fact many women are so used to continually abusing thier boyfriends that they don't even know they are doing it.

 

And this kind of behaviour will convince him that it's only a matter of time before YOU DUMP HIM. Not the other way round.

 

Thats why hes surfing the dating sites. He's sure you are goign to dump him.

 

Don't even think about a baby to cememt things. It never workds. A baby is a celebration of a successful relationship. Not a hopeless attemp to cement one that is breaking up.

[blahblahqueen]

Just wondering... when you say dating site... you don't mean that myspace website do you?

 

haha myspace is not a dating site. it's a free webpage site. everyone's got one.

[mel777]

I know he is not happy about the fact that I already have 3 kids. He has not spent that much time with them since we have been together and I am sure that he is worried about moving in with me for this reason.

QUOTE]

 

 

SLow down...you have only been dating him for six motnhs and you're talking about moving in together. You have three kids that you have to think of. Before you move in any guy into your home that you share with your children you need to know him better. Also, he wouldn't be on a dating site still. Not to sound like a wet balnket but as mothers our first priority is to our children and no guy is moving into my house especially one that is still scoping out other woman. Lastly, I think it's wise on his part not to be spending time woth your kids. He's showin gyou by his actions that he's not that comitted and if he formed realtionships with your kids it could hurt them if you guys never commit.