Together 42 years, now I'm 65M and I don't feel anything anymore

[kc_vintage]

I've been with my wife for 42 years. We are empty nesters.  She still works (from home) and I am retired. She will retire in 18 months. About a year ago I approached her about our relationship.  We haven't been intimate in over 15 years.  I told her I feel like we are roommates. I said I wanted an intimate relationship. We started with a couple of therapists but the fit didn't seem right.  It seemed like the therapists wanted to "paint deck chairs on the Titanic" by teaching us skills that only apply to couples that know they still love each other.  I ended the last therapist, and my wife never asked why or raised the question of finding someone else.

I don't love her and don't feel any attraction.  In fact, I feel nothing.  Not sure if this feeling is due to my issues (in recovery for substance use and alcohol), or "our" issues as a couple, or both.  She DOES NOT share her feelings and never has with me - part of the problem with therapy. I believe she is "fine" with living as is - I'm someone to have around as we both grow older and die - sadly pathetic view. A few years ago she treated me quite poorly, but since I've raised my concerns about the relationship she is more friendly. We basically live separate lives and really are not much more than roommates. I get a daily question about how I am, and she drops "honey" and "sweetie" with me.

I'm feeling like I want to be on my own, but scared to pull the trigger and tell her I want to end the relationship. Also wonder if I should suggest counseling again.  What do folks think?  TIA

[Gaeta]

At 65 you are both still in good health and able to enjoy life with someone else better suited for you. You have been together since you are 23 years old and people change a lot in 42 years and often we're not compatible any longer. 

My parents are 77 & 85. My mom keeps repeating she should have left years ago. She feels she missed out on being happy. My dad was (is) a good husband, father, provider but he's the silent type that spends all of his free time in the woods. My mom always dreamed of traveling - that never happened. Now what keeps them together is old age. My mom is mean to him and he turns his earing aid off. I wish they had gone their separate ways earlier and found happiness elsewhere. 

[Leihla_B]

33 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

At 65 you are both still in good health and able to enjoy life with someone else better suited for you. You have been together since you are 23 years old and people change a lot in 42 years and often we're not compatible any longer. 

I agree. You potentially have another 20 or 30 years on the planet. You get to decide whether you want to do live those miserably or happily.

When you say "scared to pull the trigger," what do you mean by this? Make a private list of what scares you, specifically.

As for therapy, consider investing in your own private sessions to unpack and address what scares you. Also, consider a legal consultation to learn your rights and options in your location, along with best steps to take for each option. From there, you can make decisions based on real information rather than operating on emotions alone. Bring a list of your assets, their approximate value, and dates when purchased, along with a list of debts. Learn whether a legal separation or possible divorce might be more feasible and less scary than you imagine.

Write more if it helps.