Klc Posted October 19 Share Posted October 19 Me (24F) and my bf (23M) have been together 9 years. We live together, have no kids. I've always said I want to get married and have children and he was never ready (schooling, careers). Now that I'm 24 he said he's been doing a lot of thinking and has been very stressed and unhappy recently because he feels like he's not ready and he doesn't know why. He doesn't know if it's me, him, outside stressors, etc. he's been distant with me. he's afraid that he won't ever be ready and will disappoint me. How do we move on from this? How do we get back to being in a happy relationship? This is the first fight like this that we've had. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 19 Share Posted October 19 You stop talking about marriage and kids because you still have years in front of you for that, and see if he comes around and get back to being the man you know and love. He is only 23, that is WAY too young for a man to start thinking marriage & kids. Women mature much faster than men so it's normal at 24 you start thinking about this, a man will start thinking about marriage & babies around 28 or so. I have a 20 year old daughter and she hates when I tell her this but here it goes....our brain isn't fully developped until the age of 25 ish. The frontal part is the last part to develop and this is where the skills like planning, prioritizing, and making good decisions are. This is why we should never make life long decisions before the age of 25+ like marrying and making babies. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Leihla_B Posted October 19 Share Posted October 19 2 hours ago, Gaeta said: I have a 20 year old daughter and she hates when I tell her this but here it goes....our brain isn't fully developped until the age of 25 ish. The frontal part is the last part to develop and this is where the skills like planning, prioritizing, and making good decisions are. This is why we should never make life long decisions before the age of 25+ like marrying and making babies. True. This is why adolescence doesn't technically end at age 18, it lasts until mid 20's, and while the pre-frontal cortex of the brain is the last to mature, there may also be other parts of the brain and hormonal systems that lag through early 20's. You've been together since you were 15. That kind of early commitment can inhibit aspects of emotional and social growth. While your peers were out socializing and exploring dating and mating and making mistakes, young people who couple-up early miss most of that. One or the other can grow to resent that, or just plain outgrow the relationship. I'd consider whether a separation might serve you both well while you are still free of parenting commitments. This way, if you end up back together, you'll be able to trust it as voluntary rather than a guilt trip over a commitment made too early in life. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted October 20 Share Posted October 20 Yikes, I was reading your initial sentence hoping that you made a typo and you're actually both 33 and 34, but then you repeated that you were 24.... Most people aren't ready for marriage and kids at 24. Him not being ready now doesn't mean he'll never be ready, and considering the success rate of marriages that begin at that age, it's generally a wise decision to not marry that young. Most people go through a tremendous amount of change in their 20s, and more often than not it pushes them apart, not together. Also, you've been asking for marriage and kids since you were 15 and he was 14??? Am I reading this correctly??? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 20 Share Posted October 20 (edited) When you have been together since you were 15, it seems logical that 9 years later you are ready to get married and having children. The thing is - he is still only 23 years old. There is no hurry to marry and have children. He knows what you want, give him more time to grow and experience life. Then, you start talking about marriage and children. You are both currently building - finishing school, starting your careers. I would be thinking about things like - what do we want to do with our lives before we marry and have children. What adventures do you want to take - is there a trip you can do together? Do you want to buy a home? Do you want to get a dog? Learn a new skill? Make some new friends? What is on his bucket list that he wants to accomplish/enjoy in his life before he has children. Focus on building a happy life together and the rest will come… Edited October 20 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 21 Share Posted October 21 On 10/19/2024 at 3:08 PM, Klc said: he's afraid that he won't ever be ready and will disappoint me. I think he is likely gearing up to tell you that he wants out. You two have never really dated anyone else, I would imagine. You were both so young when you got together that any relationship prior would have been fleeting. It may be that he has outgrown the relationship but hasn't yet found the courage to have that conversation with you. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 21 Share Posted October 21 Fight? He tells you he’s never gonna marry you and you fight? he shouldn’t get penalized for being honest. You need to leave him if marriage is your goal knowing you both do not want the same things. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 22 Share Posted October 22 On 10/20/2024 at 12:08 AM, Klc said: How do we get back to being in a happy relationship? Take the pressure off! He's only 23 and it's perfectly normal to not be ready for marriage and children at this age. Perhaps raise it again in 5 years Link to post Share on other sites
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