Weekend Silence: a Weekday Connection Without Depth

[SEASON_WINTER]

12 hours ago, S2B said:

Someone who has the flu doesn’t go out to see people fishing.

the kingfishers are different species in our continent (asia). they were at first level of the building.

[SEASON_WINTER]

2 hours ago, S2B said:

So if he continues this week with no further ‘depth’ do you plan to continue with him?

some folks are suggesting that I am going to bang my head....

this morning, he initiated conversation again with sharing on doggies events at "Howl-O-ween" night at one of the mall.

I feel that I should make my standpoint to him. I plan to text "I've really enjoyed our  conversations and i think it would be nice to meet up for a quick coffee. Let me know what you think"....

 

[SEASON_WINTER]

31 minutes ago, SEASON_WINTER said:

some folks are suggesting that I am going to bang my head....

this morning, he initiated conversation again with sharing on doggies events at "Howl-O-ween" night at one of the mall.

I feel that I should make my standpoint to him. I plan to text "I've really enjoyed our  conversations and i think it would be nice to meet up for a quick coffee. Let me know what you think"....

 

@Gaeta@Lotsgoingon, you are right. I am not going to bang head.

Despite living so close and he still doesn't say anything about meet-up during today's conversation, I'm pretty convinced I'm "text buddy". Even if we meet for quick coffee and then dynamics likely to stay the same after that, it might not worth putting up effort.

Going to let this connection fade.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

13 hours ago, S2B said:

Someone who has the flu doesn’t go out to see people fishing.

Kingfishers are birds. 

[SEASON_WINTER]

this evening, he sent me a photo of cloud. i commented "nice clouds". he said "your place should be able to snap some fancy shots too". 

I jokingly asked "do you want me to snap for you? lol".............he answered "if you are okay with it". Gosh!!! I am really speechless....not only I am a text buddy but also a cloud photo taker?

I decided to put my stand across the table "btw, I've enjoyed our chats, But i notice we haven't talked about meeting up. May I know what are you looking for here? ......................Guess what he replied. 

He replied "To be honest I originally wanted to ask you our for coffee or ice cream waffles on Saturday but was down with my weird running nose. Hmmm....I'm leaving to fate."....quickly he sent two more photos of sunset (taken from other corners of his place). I instantly feel that he is trying to divert attention. 

I asked again "Thanks for your thought. What are you looking for?". He repeated "as mentioned, I am leaving to Fate".

I said "I get it. I believe in making things happen too. If you are interested, we can plan for when you are feeling better". He answered, "we should". 

I said "Great! Let me know when works for you then." he answered "will do. Are you home already?". i said yes and he gives a thumb up.

No intention to plan anything at all in first place. He remained vague even though I asked. 

End of story....................Next guy please....:)

 

[Gaeta]

OMG, yes go to next! Total time waster!

[SEASON_WINTER]

16 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

OMG, yes go to next! Total time waster!

It's a learning experience. have to be positive.....

Side note: next one immediately ask to meet up but requested for 10pm as he needs to settle his dementia father. i told him 10pm for first meeting is too late...though i can understand your challenges....

[Alpacalia]

When he said he is not fully recovered that means he wants to take it slow. By not replying once to him you, wittingly or unwittingly, put him off. You told him you don’t usually stay in touch to avoid sending the wrong message. These are definite no-no's. If you don’t stay in touch then stop communicating with him. 

Yes, you are a "weekday text buddy." He is a freshly divorced guy who obviously is still recovering which you mentioned yourself. He might be more emotionally entrenched in his ex-wife than he thought. The fact that he is talking about meeting five women before you, none of which interested him is a testament to that. 

Freshly divorced guys need a lot of nurturing and need time to process because 99% of the time, they are not the ones who initiated the divorce. His initiative to communicate everyday is a testament to his interest but your lack of rapport building coupled with him being new to the dating scene will have given him cold feet. 

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

His initiative to communicate everyday is a testament to his interest but your lack of rapport building coupled with him being new to the dating scene will have given him cold feet. 

These guys often get put off on their own with no particular trigger. Remember, he chatted each evening for 2 hours, living 5 mins away, and never hinted at meeting, and that was before the weekend so he was already not interested in meeting before the weekend incident.

[Alpacalia]

34 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

These guys often get put off on their own with no particular trigger. Remember, he chatted each evening for 2 hours, living 5 mins away, and never hinted at meeting, and that was before the weekend so he was already not interested in meeting before the weekend incident.

I'm just giving a possible explanation.

I think a lot of people on dating websites are just getting their feet back in socially especially after a divorce. They are comfortable online chatting, but when it comes to meeting, they back off or cancel.

You can make it a point OP that if someone doesn't want to meet within 1-2 weeks then simply wish them luck and say your looking for someone more motivated to date as this helps reduce the endless chatting from a texting buddy. Which, it sounds like you did, so stay true to your desires and let that be that. 

[Georgia46]

On 10/19/2024 at 3:39 PM, SEASON_WINTER said:

This week, I matched with a younger man, 45, recently divorced in July after a 12-year marriage. When I asked if he had recovered, he said not fully. I shared my experience meeting a freshly divorced man who kept mentioning his ex-wife.

From Monday to Friday, he initiated daily conversations, sharing details about his meals, workouts, hobbies, and office life. He also sent me photos of the moon, one of his hobbies. However, by Friday night, when he sent another moon photo, I didn't reply as I was out for dinner.

He mentioned meeting five women before me, none of whom clicked, and asked how many men I'd met. I told him I don’t usually stay in touch to avoid sending the wrong message. Despite living five minutes apart, he didn’t suggest meeting up over the weekend. His frequent texting seemed to indicate interest, but the lack of plans made me doubt it.

On Saturday, he didn’t text at all. When I finally responded to his Friday message, his reply was brief, which reinforced my feeling that I’m just a "weekday text buddy." Now, I suspect he's not the right match for me.

He initiated a chat alllll week Monday - Friday.  That’s pretty much a lot of effort from someone that you only just matched with *imo*

 

you then didn’t reply Friday - ok you were busy - but he could have looked at it like he’d made an effort all week then nothing back from you Friday, he didn’t know you were out per say. 
 

I suppose you won’t really know until you talk to him so you could either ask him out or wait for him to ask you and then see how it goes. 
 

I feel like he was honest about not being over his wife also.  
 

I don’t see any red flags from what you’ve written. 

[Gaeta]

24 minutes ago, Georgia46 said:

but he could have looked at it like he’d made an effort all week then nothing back from you Friday,

If the man's character is THAT weak she is better without him. This is a grown up man, not a 12 year old. 

[ExpatInItaly]

54 minutes ago, Georgia46 said:

ok you were busy - but he could have looked at it like he’d made an effort all week then nothing back from you Friday

This is how I read it too. If I message someone and don't get a reply, I generally wait until I hear back to message again. He'd reached out first and double-texted several times, according to OP, so I don't see the issue with him waiting to hear back from her this time. 

I don't necessarily think he's in right head-space to date, mind you, but I don't think he did anything wrong with not double-texting when he didn't get a reply from her on Friday. 

 

[Georgia46]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

If the man's character is THAT weak she is better without him. This is a grown up man, not a 12 year old. 

Hmmm maybe. 
 

just saying how he could have thought. 🤔

 

Edited October 21, 2024 by Georgia46

[Georgia46]

2 minutes ago, S2B said:

5 minutes away and not even a “meet me for ice cream”… he’s not making effort but he’s lonely so he wants someone to text. 

i don’t see him being ready for dating for a looong time.

He could genuinely have been busy that weekend, he had messaged every single day Monday to Friday. 

[Marka]

I also had a guy who was put off by me not replying for half of day. He left me on read almost for the whole day after, I guess to show how displeased he is and when he replied, he was cold. Tbh it was our second week of chatting and while he was very proactive with texts, he wasn't proactive in setting up a meeting so I just started to loose the interest as I am not a big texter and not looking for a text buddy. His reaction told me a lot though. I asked him in the end to meet for a coffee but he flaked. I had similar experience couple of times with men texting and texting, now I just don't give them my number and say that I would be happy to exchange numbers after a first meet up. Some disappear after that but I am fine with that.

[Marka]

1 hour ago, S2B said:

Marka that’s brilliant! 
 

it completely makes it clear that you need to meet someone first before giving your personal info and the opportunity to waste your time and energy.

Yes. I refuse to emotionally invest in a man before meeting him in a person. I want to exchange few messages on an app for a week max to establish some dealbreakers and see if a guy can write thoughtful appropriate messages and has a good use of grammar and then meet to see if they are who they said they are (no outdated pictures, lied about age/height etc) and to see if we click in a person. If we do, then exchange numbers and continue to getting know each other over text and in person.

[Leihla_B]

On 10/21/2024 at 8:22 AM, SEASON_WINTER said:

End of story....................Next guy please....:)

I hear. If he reaches out again, you can tell him he's welcome to contact you when he wants to schedule a meet.

You can say this to anyone you're ready to cut off, you have nothing to lose.

Head high!

[SEASON_WINTER]

12 hours ago, Leihla_B said:

I hear. If he reaches out again, you can tell him he's welcome to contact you when he wants to schedule a meet.

You can say this to anyone you're ready to cut off, you have nothing to lose.

Head high!

For the past three days, he still hasn't initiated plans to meet up and continues with small talk. I assumed he should have recovered from his flu by now, so this morning, I sent him a message saying, 'I don't really feel comfortable continuing to chat with someone I haven't met in person yet. You're welcome to contact me when you're ready to schedule a meetup.' He immediately responded with, 'Haha...sure. Coffee this Saturday?

I replied, 'Sounds good! Let me know the place and time!' but he just gave a thumbs-up. Later in the afternoon, he sent a photo of his lunch and started small talk again. I decided not to respond, making it clear where I stand. As of now, I haven't heard back from him."

I gotta do it smarter way next time.....

[Gaeta]

13 minutes ago, SEASON_WINTER said:

I gotta do it smarter way next time.....

The smart way is to block him and to move on the someone that does want to meet with  you. 

How many times does he have to ignore your meeting suggestions for you to get that he is a time waster?

Edited October 24, 2024 by Gaeta

[Alpacalia]

Good that you made it clear that you're not interested in continuing to chat without actually meeting because what you want is IRL interest and you're not wrong wanting that. Think about it - you have a large source of men you can choose from and so does he but wala!

Edited October 24, 2024 by Alpacalia

[Leihla_B]

1 hour ago, SEASON_WINTER said:

I replied, 'Sounds good! Let me know the place and time!' but he just gave a thumbs-up.

Next time someone 'invites' like this, don't say, "Let me know... " Instead, just ask, "When and where?" before accepting.

This requires them to answer the question before they can go back to diddling with their messages.

Head high, it's a learning process.

[Gaeta]

4 minutes ago, Leihla_B said:

This requires them to answer the question before they can go back to diddling with their messages.

Ya but, who wants to prompt someone to set a meeting. That man would turn me off so bad. I don't know how OP can continue to be interested in him. 

[Alpacalia]

16 minutes ago, Leihla_B said:

Next time someone 'invites' like this, don't say, "Let me know... " Instead, just ask, "When and where?" before accepting.

This requires them to answer the question before they can go back to diddling with their messages.

Head high, it's a learning process.

I would have replied with "Coffee? Sounds fun..." and then left it alone. Let him pick up the ball. If he doesn't, it's a dud, and you can focus elsewhere. Remember your objective is to find a person you click with. Take your time, relax, be patient. It's all about the journey!

Edited October 24, 2024 by Alpacalia

[Leihla_B]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

Ya but, who wants to prompt someone to set a meeting. That man would turn me off so bad. I don't know how OP can continue to be interested in him. 

I hear. The idea was to shut down further contact. "Let me know..." doesn't accomplish that. It leaves the door open.

59 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I would have replied with "Coffee? Sounds fun..." and then left it alone. Let him pick up the ball.

Yeah, that's a good open-ender if you want to hear back from him. This was for when you know he won't come through, and you're done. It nips it down to "Step up or shut up".