Weekend Silence: a Weekday Connection Without Depth

[SEASON_WINTER]

12 hours ago, Leihla_B said:

I hear. If he reaches out again, you can tell him he's welcome to contact you when he wants to schedule a meet.

You can say this to anyone you're ready to cut off, you have nothing to lose.

Head high!

For the past three days, he still hasn't initiated plans to meet up and continues with small talk. I assumed he should have recovered from his flu by now, so this morning, I sent him a message saying, 'I don't really feel comfortable continuing to chat with someone I haven't met in person yet. You're welcome to contact me when you're ready to schedule a meetup.' He immediately responded with, 'Haha...sure. Coffee this Saturday?

I replied, 'Sounds good! Let me know the place and time!' but he just gave a thumbs-up. Later in the afternoon, he sent a photo of his lunch and started small talk again. I decided not to respond, making it clear where I stand. As of now, I haven't heard back from him."

I gotta do it smarter way next time.....

[Gaeta]

13 minutes ago, SEASON_WINTER said:

I gotta do it smarter way next time.....

The smart way is to block him and to move on the someone that does want to meet with  you. 

How many times does he have to ignore your meeting suggestions for you to get that he is a time waster?

Edited October 24 by Gaeta

[Alpacalia]

Good that you made it clear that you're not interested in continuing to chat without actually meeting because what you want is IRL interest and you're not wrong wanting that. Think about it - you have a large source of men you can choose from and so does he but wala!

Edited October 24 by Alpacalia

[Leihla_B]

1 hour ago, SEASON_WINTER said:

I replied, 'Sounds good! Let me know the place and time!' but he just gave a thumbs-up.

Next time someone 'invites' like this, don't say, "Let me know... " Instead, just ask, "When and where?" before accepting.

This requires them to answer the question before they can go back to diddling with their messages.

Head high, it's a learning process.

[Gaeta]

4 minutes ago, Leihla_B said:

This requires them to answer the question before they can go back to diddling with their messages.

Ya but, who wants to prompt someone to set a meeting. That man would turn me off so bad. I don't know how OP can continue to be interested in him. 

[Alpacalia]

16 minutes ago, Leihla_B said:

Next time someone 'invites' like this, don't say, "Let me know... " Instead, just ask, "When and where?" before accepting.

This requires them to answer the question before they can go back to diddling with their messages.

Head high, it's a learning process.

I would have replied with "Coffee? Sounds fun..." and then left it alone. Let him pick up the ball. If he doesn't, it's a dud, and you can focus elsewhere. Remember your objective is to find a person you click with. Take your time, relax, be patient. It's all about the journey!

Edited October 24 by Alpacalia

[Leihla_B]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

Ya but, who wants to prompt someone to set a meeting. That man would turn me off so bad. I don't know how OP can continue to be interested in him. 

I hear. The idea was to shut down further contact. "Let me know..." doesn't accomplish that. It leaves the door open.

59 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I would have replied with "Coffee? Sounds fun..." and then left it alone. Let him pick up the ball.

Yeah, that's a good open-ender if you want to hear back from him. This was for when you know he won't come through, and you're done. It nips it down to "Step up or shut up".

[Alpacalia]

48 minutes ago, Leihla_B said:

I hear. The idea was to shut down further contact. "Let me know..." doesn't accomplish that. It leaves the door open.

Yeah, that's a good open-ender if you want to hear back from him. This was for when you know he won't come through, and you're done. It nips it down to "Step up or shut up".

Nah. It's still better to leave the ball in his court. Who knows, he may genuinely be interested in meeting up but just not good at making plans. And if he's not, then no response from him is the clearest answer you're going to get.

From now on, instead of immediately suggesting a meet-up, try leaving the ball in his court. If he's interested, he'll make plans. If not, then you can move on without wasting your time and energy. Remember, if he's interested, he will make an effort to pursue you.

Edited October 24 by Alpacalia

[Georgia46]

Sadly, these sites are full of weirdos.  My friend had loads of matches and they would go so far as arranging the day and the time and then vanish.  Go ghost. 👻.   Gutless & childish.  
 

im sure there are some nice men on them, but they’re hard to find.  

[S2B]

So now you know that IF you see him you will always be leading him or pushing him to do so.

and he will inevitably be cheap and evasive in getting there.

honestly - coffee? … that says he wants to spend almost no money to meet you.

if a guy doesn’t specify a place and day/time - it usually means he has still made NO effort!

and - you should never need to beg any guy to ask you out! Especially something as cheap as “coffee”! 

I’ve raised two adult men - believe me, when they want to take someone out - they make it happen AND they plan a NICE dinner date!

I would be telling him “never mind”.

Edited October 24 by S2B

[Marka]

6 hours ago, SEASON_WINTER said:

I replied, 'Sounds good! Let me know the place and time!' but he just gave a thumbs-up. Later in the afternoon, he sent a photo of his lunch and started small talk again. I decided not to respond, making it clear where I stand. As of now, I haven't heard back from him."

 

He is clearly big timewaster. Mentally and physically healthy man, who is interested and serious about finding someone, would propose meeting as soon as possible. This guy either has anyone on a side, is a catfish or massively misrepresented himself on his profile or just penpalling/emotionally unavailable. 

As i wrote in my previous message I had similar situation recently, superficial chit chat over whatsapp for two weeks though our offices were within 15 minutes walk from each other. He mentioned setting up meeting but never followed up with actions such as asking when I will be free etc. When I said are you interested in meeting as I prefer to talk in person,  he said sure, I will message in 3 days once i am back from business trip to set smth up and he never did. I later found his pics on social media and realised that his OLD pictures were at least 5 years old....

That's why I think the men who have nothing to hide and emotionally available would be keen to meet asap and you will not even have to hint on a meeting. Every time when initiative was on me to suggest the meeting because man hesitated, it was going to nowhere. I suggested the meeting the last guy just to check if my theory is right and it was indeed. So please stop entertaining this timewaster and move on to guys who will be keen to meet you. 

 

 

[assertives]

On 10/21/2024 at 8:22 PM, SEASON_WINTER said:

this evening, he sent me a photo of cloud. i commented "nice clouds". he said "your place should be able to snap some fancy shots too". 

I jokingly asked "do you want me to snap for you? lol".............he answered "if you are okay with it". Gosh!!! I am really speechless....not only I am a text buddy but also a cloud photo taker?

I decided to put my stand across the table "btw, I've enjoyed our chats, But i notice we haven't talked about meeting up. May I know what are you looking for here? ......................Guess what he replied. 

He replied "To be honest I originally wanted to ask you our for coffee or ice cream waffles on Saturday but was down with my weird running nose. Hmmm....I'm leaving to fate."....quickly he sent two more photos of sunset (taken from other corners of his place). I instantly feel that he is trying to divert attention. 

I asked again "Thanks for your thought. What are you looking for?". He repeated "as mentioned, I am leaving to Fate".

I said "I get it. I believe in making things happen too. If you are interested, we can plan for when you are feeling better". He answered, "we should". 

I said "Great! Let me know when works for you then." he answered "will do. Are you home already?". i said yes and he gives a thumb up.

No intention to plan anything at all in first place. He remained vague even though I asked. 

End of story....................Next guy please....:)

 

Heh I would have thought he has been clear enough that he isn't interested in taking this offline after this stunt that he pulled. I must say that was some skillful sidestepping he did there. He's so not interested, just leave him on read from now on. There's no need to read too much into this. If someone who is genuinely interested and want to take things further, you will know without a doubt. It will be clear as day especially after you have tried communicating up front what you are looking for and set boundaries on what you don't want to do otherwise.

Edited October 25 by assertives

[Carlston]

When he suggested coffee you should have said "great there's xx place near my place, see you there at xx time on Sunday".

It's called "taking the initiative". 

 

[Marka]

35 minutes ago, Carlston said:

When he suggested coffee you should have said "great there's xx place near my place, see you there at xx time on Sunday".

It's called "taking the initiative". 

 

do you know what would happen? i will tell you with 99% probabiluty. He would say sounds good. and then flaked on Sunday saying that smth urgent came up. You don't need to nag men to meet you, if you need that it is a man you dont want to meet

[stillafool]

What is the age difference between him and you OP?

[NuevoYorko]

I just can't relate to why you're spending so much time analyzing the timing, energy level, etc. of this stranger's texting patterns.   In fact I don't even understand why you're motivated to participate.  He lives 5 minutes from you.  I think that if a meeting hadn't happened and this much meaningless back & forth had been happening, it would have made sense to cut contact with him by now.

[Carlston]

 

19 hours ago, Marka said:

do you know what would happen? i will tell you with 99% probabiluty. He would say sounds good. and then flaked on Sunday saying that smth urgent came up. You don't need to nag men to meet you, if you need that it is a man you dont want to meet

how did you calculate those odds?

seems unrealistic given that it's human nature to react unpredictably and you don't know a thing about him other than a few words someone else wrote about him that doesn't know him all that well either. 

[Marka]

6 hours ago, Carlston said:

 

how did you calculate those odds?

seems unrealistic given that it's human nature to react unpredictably and you don't know a thing about him other than a few words someone else wrote about him that doesn't know him all that well either. 

i gave 1% for unpredictability of human nature here just in case

[Gaeta]

9 hours ago, Carlston said:

 

how did you calculate those odds?

Here is how we calculate it.

The man lives 5 mins away, he spent 2 weeks chatting and OP suggested meeting *twice* and he *avoided* it twice. Add to the context he only divorced in July and we know by experience recently divorced people run hot & cold because they think they can date but when times come to do it they're unreliable. He even told OP he's not recovered from his duvorce.  Add to this context some of us have been here 10+ years and read 100s of stories like this and they all ended with the guy/woman being a time waster & emotionally unavailable.

Sure we're all unique human beings but our behavior is pretty predictable. When a man hears a woman offer a meeting *twice* and he avoids it twice, it's safe to say he's not interested in dating OP. Men by nature are pursuers. They did not meet at the grocery store, they met on a *dating* site, that's meant to date...not to endlessly chat.

Edited October 26 by Gaeta

[Leihla_B]

On 10/24/2024 at 1:25 PM, Alpacalia said:

From now on, instead of immediately suggesting a meet-up, try leaving the ball in his court. If he's interested, he'll make plans. If not, then you can move on without wasting your time and energy. Remember, if he's interested, he will make an effort to pursue you.

I think maybe we're reading different threads. She left the ball in his court for 2 weeks, he flooded her with moon pictures. After she said, "Let me know..." he sent more pictures. Just saying, long before this time, I'd have told him to only contact me if he wants to meet--just to shut that sh*** down.

[NuevoYorko]

6 hours ago, Leihla_B said:

 After she said, "Let me know..." he sent more pictures. Just saying, long before this time, I'd have told him to only contact me if he wants to meet--just to shut that sh*** down.

Yes - she hasn't been pursuing him or anything like that, but the amount of attention she is spending on her very painstaking, precise analytics needs to stop and really never should have started.  This is an annoying stranger on the Internet and nothing more.

[Alpacalia]

On 10/26/2024 at 12:34 PM, Leihla_B said:

I think maybe we're reading different threads. She left the ball in his court for 2 weeks, he flooded her with moon pictures. After she said, "Let me know..." he sent more pictures. Just saying, long before this time, I'd have told him to only contact me if he wants to meet--just to shut that sh*** down.

There's nothing to shut down. Just move on.

[S2B]

On 10/26/2024 at 12:34 PM, Leihla_B said:

I think maybe we're reading different threads. She left the ball in his court for 2 weeks, he flooded her with moon pictures. After she said, "Let me know..." he sent more pictures. Just saying, long before this time, I'd have told him to only contact me if he wants to meet--just to shut that sh*** down.

Just a random guy wasting your time.

[seeitasittrulyis777]

Many people in todays catalog world of attention seeking dopamine hits just want to collect harems or clubs of ego boosters without any effort, investment, or commitment. It’s gross. I’m glad to read that others see this for what it is: time wasting energy vampires. Cut and move on with ease and positive focus on what actually brings mutual effort, value, and energy. 

Edited November 25 by seeitasittrulyis777