Am I being an emotional affair partner for a lady

[Sony12]

I've been talking to this lady online (through Match) for almost a year now. We live halfway across the country from one another so no plans at all to meet on either side (infact I have been regularly dating and meeting up with other women during the time we have been talking) and for me she has just been someone to talk to about dating. She is thirty years older than me and she seems to like younger guys while I like dating older women (which is the main reason I like communicating with her because she is someone who appears to share that same attraction to age gap dating).

She's a very good communicator (at least as far as I can tell through text) and sends me very conversational (and at times very flirtatious) messages every few days or so and tells me about what she is doing in her life during that week and talks about the things I have chosen to share with her about my life. She also often makes references to how hot I am. Many of our messages are several paragraphs long and occasionally we have to send a second message to finish up because we hit Match's word limit for a message. And yes she knows that I date other women on Match and that is one of the things she often talks about is my dating life. Even though we don't have any intention on meeting she is very enjoyable to communicate with and I do find her more enjoyable than many of the women I do actually meet. 

With that said though there is one thing that has seemed a little odd to me. Even though she puts in a lot of effort to communicate with me and seems quite interested in that way she at the same time has refused to exchange phone numbers so we could talk over the phone. I do find that a little odd considering how long we have talked. I have given her my number and asked for hers a few times during the time we have been matched and her reasoning has been the fact that she is a pretty well known individual within the small town she lives. She was an English teacher (retired now) for about thirty years within her community and wants to keep her attraction to younger men behind closed doors. Something that is understandable in regards to actually going out and getting together with them but as I have said we have no plans at all to actually meet. So that answer never made all that much sense when all we were planning on doing was exchanging phone numbers.

I tell her about my dating life but as far as I can tell she doesn't date much herself. She mentions men that send her messages but she doesn't really respond to them. She says that she doesn't really find men her own age to be all that interesting or appealing and younger men would get people talking. She did say she dated a younger man for a short while a few months prior to us getting in touch with each other (though not as young as me) and she didn't really like the way that ended as he just abruptly ended things and she suspects he had a GF all along. But other than that she says she hasn't really dated at all and we just talk about my dating life.

The thing that made me start questioning if she was actually possibly married though is that it's easy to find her just by a simple Google search because she was a teacher within a small town. One of the search engines came back with her currently being married and when you look at the people who are associated with the address where she lives one of the names is a man about the same age as her. If she was actually married or in a relationship that would make her refusal to exchange numbers make sense as keeping everything in text would make it easier to keep it secret. She does have the same pictures on her social media pages that she does on her match profile so I'm pretty sure I am at the very least talking to the lady who's pictures are on Match.

But who knows. It does make me wonder though. She is fun to talk to and she does put a lot of effort into our communication and attempts to keep it going even at times when I have spells where I don't put as much effort into it. 

 

 

Edited 16 hours ago by Sony12

[ExpatInItaly]

It sounds like she is either still married, yes, or quite simply not the person she says she is. 

I came to find out a couple years ago that someone had nipped some of my photos from one of my social media profiles and was saying she (or he?) was me. They'd told the person they were commuicating with the basic details they could glean from my real profile so it sounded more legit. It was most definitely not me, though (and I have since adjusted my privacy settings to be stricter than Fort Knox) and lord only knows who it really was. 

Please be careful with folks who only want to talk. If you want a chat buddy, fine, but it sounds like you are probably more attached than you realize. Otherwise, why give out your phone number to a total stranger and dig to suss out her real story? 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Sony12 said:

If she was actually married or in a relationship that would make her refusal to exchange numbers make sense as keeping everything in text would make it easier to keep it secret. She does have the same pictures on her social media pages that she does on her match profile

And this is what doesn't make a lot of sense if she is actually married. 

It would be very bold and foolish of her to use her real profile picture (that can easily be matched up against her social media)  if she is married and on a dating app. It would be far too easy for someone she knowsto sumble across her Match profile to reveal her. My guess is that she either really doesn't want to be more than chat-buddies with you, or who you are talking to is the not the person in the pictures. 

Edited 15 hours ago by ExpatInItaly

[Sony12]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Oherwise, why give out your phone number to a total stranger and dig to suss out her real story? 

I give out my phone number to lots of people and talk over the phone to most I get into open communication with. It isn't something I only do in very specific circumstances. I have to say I do enjoy being a bit of a fantasy for these ladies.

As far as being attached I would say yes I am more attached to actually talking to her than I am to many of the ladies I do meet (many of whom just end up being casual encounters). However no I don't have any desire to actually meet her. If we lived closer maybe that would be different. But as is I just view her as someone fun to talk to. At most I would like to get her even more interested in me by letting her see what I sound like in person.

[Sony12]

29 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

And this is what doesn't make a lot of sense if she is actually married. 

It would be very bold and foolish of her to use her real profile picture (that can easily be matched up against her social media)  if she is married and on a dating app. It would be far too easy for someone she knowsto sumble across her Match profile to reveal her. My guess is that she either really doesn't want to be more than chat-buddies with you, or who you are talking to is the not the person in the pictures. 

Yeah probably so. If she was married and was weary of people around her town finding out about her interest in talking to men half her age in a sexual way it wouldn't make sense for her to use the same pics on match that she does on her regular social media accounts.

Edited 15 hours ago by Sony12

[ExpatInItaly]

36 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

If she was married and was weary of people around her town finding out about her interest in talking to men half her age  her being on a dating app

Fixed that for you. 

If she is married, then anyone finding out she is on an app and talking to men of any kind would be a risk. Age would be beside the point here. 

You might enjoy feeling like a fantasy to these women, but the truth is that you have no idea who you are really talking to in this case. It might be the woman in the profile, but it's just as likely to be someone a lot younger or older, or even a man. I am sure this possibility has cross your mind, no? 

43 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

At most I would like  to get her even more interested in me by letting her see what I sound like in person.

What is the point of geting her interested in if you have no intention of meeting, though? An ego-boost for you, or?  In any case, it's pretty clear this person doesn't care to hear what you sound like. It's just a question of how long you want to fuel this little fantasy until it loses its appeal for one or both of you. 

Edited 15 hours ago by ExpatInItaly

[Sony12]

As for me I do give some of these women phone sex from Match. I'm not getting myself off while doing so but I do enjoy getting them off. You can tell when they are enjoying it because they will start getting a hold of you almost every day. She's clearly getting as much of a thrill from the situation that she is looking for though just from reading my messages to her.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

Right, but what if this person is not even a woman? 

 

[Alpacalia]

I guess you're what is sometimes referred to as, a boy toy?  It's very easy to get caught up in the fantasy of an online relationship, especially when it involves someone who is significantly older or younger than you. The thrill of the age gap adds an extra layer of excitement and fuels the fantasy.

She is married or in a relationship and that is why she is being cautious about exchanging phone numbers or meeting in person. Plus, she has a reputation to uphold in her small town and doesn't want any rumors or gossip to start about her dating a much younger man. I hope you haven't ineffectually put a great deal of emotional energy into this "relationship" because it is not a real one.

You are just a source of entertainment and ego-boosting for her.

[Leihla_B]

None of us have any more of a clue that you, and she's the only one who can answer your questions. Whether or not you trust her answers is up to you.

My bigger question to myself would be what I'm getting out of this. If I find it satisfying enough to continue, then there you are. If not, what's the point?

[Sony12]

She is definitely not the only person I am talking to and I do regularly meet other women (was casually meeting up with a lady just a month or so ago that I mentioned on here about how she would send me nude photos and she should be more careful about that stuff). I had another lady from Match give me her number over the weekend and I plan on getting a hold of her this evening. I just find the lady I am talking about in this thread to be one of the more enjoyable people to talk to.

Yes I probably would be considered what some would call a boy toy. I am very independent and like to do what I want and that's not the best for relationships. I get my sexual kicks this way. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Sony12 said:

I am very independent and like to do what I want and that's not the best for relationships. I get my sexual kicks this way. 

And I don't even necessarily think there is anything wrong with that, if all parties are aware and consenting. 

But I think you should be careful not to get too carried away here. Again, this particular person could be a 17-year-old boy who get his sexual kicks out of baiting men like you to pay attentiont to them. 

Would that still work for you? 

[Sony12]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

And I don't even necessarily think there is anything wrong with that, if all parties are aware and consenting. 

But I think you should be careful not to get too carried away here. Again, this particular person could be a 17-year-old boy who get his sexual kicks out of baiting men like you to pay attentiont to them. 

Would that still work for you? 

Lol of course not. If I began thinking that I would stop talking to her immediately. I do highly suspect though that she is the person in the photos. Of course I can't be a 100% sure (nor would I be able to be a 100% sure even if we did talk over the phone) but I do believe the person I am talking to is the person in the photos. 

Chances are much greater the reason she doesn't want to exchange personal info is because of the reasons stated in this thread than it would be because she is some dude. Lol most dudes would probably try to act like a hornball if they had the alter-ego of a lady talking to a guy thirty years younger than that alter-ego.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

10 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

Chances are much greater the reason she doesn't want to exchange personal info is because of the reasons stated in this thread than it would be because she is some dude

I don't see how. 

I think there is just a great a chance the woman in the photo is not the one you're talking to. But hey, have at it if believing so fuels your fantasy somehow. 

Just don't go too far in enabling your own imagination. 

 

Edited 1 hour ago by ExpatInItaly

[Alpacalia]

It would not be impossible that there's been a scandal or a hot dish might have picked up an incorrect bit of gossip. There are a number of ways a mature attractive woman with a former career as an English teacher could have found herself in a scandal and unable to get a regulatory teaching certificate. It would certainly explain why such a woman would have the need for privacy while talking with younger men. 

Chances are though she is married and therefore the only way to know is to fly out there and go to where she lives and ask the lady on her doorstep. Which isn't going to happen. But in all honesty while there are elements that make me wonder if she is married there are elements that just as much back the statement (that she has given several times) that she wishes to keep her interest in young men on the down low in order to not cause gossip.

How did you get her home address? Was it through just a general online search?

Of course, it could be a man, or heck, someone underage, it's a risk you take when chatting on line. Maybe ask her to send you a picture of herself holding up a paper that has your email address on it, like in a spare moment in her kitchen. That way you'll know she's actually the woman in the pictures. Of course that won't prove whether or not she is married and the only way you're going to find out is if you do more digging.

Alternatively, you could share with her that you're not comfortable continuing the online interactions because you don't feel confident that she is being fully transparent with you.

Edited 26 minutes ago by Alpacalia