He slept with another girl after 3 dates with me

[moon-and-stars]

2 months officially together, everything goes well. We have been dating 3 months prior, kissed on the 4th date after 1 month. Yesterday we were talking about that exact period before the kiss. I asked him directly if there were others during that period, and he admitted that he went on dates with some girls, and with one girl it came to sex (with her he also had 4 dates). He was very sorry. He said that it happened very spontaneously, she was apparently really into him and for him it was just "fun". Apparently he was just horny, and after sex happened he immediately regretted it and cut off contact with her because he had no feelings for her or any intention to continue this. He said it was a mistake, he is not into casual sex, and it happened for the first time in his life and he realised that it was just wrong.
A week later that he had a date with me. We kissed for the first time, after that he directly wanted to be exclusive with me. He said that before that kiss he didn't know if it would lead somewhere, and wasn't sure if I had feelings for him.

How can i get over it and should i just let it go? I actually had feelings for him already in the beginning, but we never spoke about exclusivity back then and i was shy to show some initiative. I also wanted to take it slow. Apparently he did not want to screw things up with us, and also wanted to take it slow (so he says). 

But why other girls then? He says he didn't have feelings for that girl who he slept with, but they also went on 4 dates and were in contact more than 1 month? So apparently he liked her? How could he want her, if he really liked me? Or am i just stupid to believe in all these things he said? 🥺

 

[basil67]

I'm not one who would be multi dating, but if there's been only three dates over the period of three weeks and not even a kiss, I would say that at this point he should not be expected to avoid all other women.   And even if he did really like you, your relationship hadn't even started at that point. 

Why did you ask the question if you couldn't deal with the wrong answer?

Edited October 22 by basil67

[Gaeta]

So you asked a question and did not really want to hear the truth? When we ask such question we have to be ready to hear the good and the bad. I would never ever ask something like this to a boyfriend, what's the purpose, really!!

Let it go. You were not a couple.

2 thumbs down to him for not knowing better.

[Alpacalia]

I would have an issue with this. While technically he did nothing wrong, when you're dating someone and start to develop feelings for them you're not going to be out sleeping with other people. I would question his motives a bit. If he really liked you, why was he still actively dating and sleeping with other people? 

[moon-and-stars]

35 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I would have an issue with this. While technically he did nothing wrong, when you're dating someone and start to develop feelings for them you're not going to be out sleeping with other people. I would question his motives a bit. If he really liked you, why was he still actively dating and sleeping with other people? 

He said that back then he was not actively looking for anything serious and just wanted to get to know new girls. Also didn’t want to get involved very fast (like it has been in his past). He said that he didn’t want to just settle with some girl anymore, like it was before, but to find that one special woman that he will adore 100%. And he felt it with me after the first kiss, and didn’t expect that it will work out that way with us. 

But I have an issue with this too. It feels like he didn’t have particular feelings for me before that kiss, because he was dating (and sleeping) around. I don’t want to feel like he just “settled” with me. 

Edited October 22 by moon-and-stars

[moon-and-stars]

He also said something that sounds weird to me: “I really liked you from the beginning, but I forbade myself to start something new that fast and concentrate on only one person. You were the only one from those girls who truly inspired me all the way, others were just fun to be with”.

I find it hard to believe. Can’t imagine that someone can really forbid himself to develop feelings. Especially since he dated his ex exclusively from day one and got together with her after 1 month. That’s why I also question his feelings. 

And I am really afraid that he is just playing with me and saying stuff, although he is actually not the type of guy who dates casually. He said it was his first experience with causal sex and he realised that it’s not for him 😐

 

Edited October 22 by moon-and-stars

[Gaeta]

12 minutes ago, moon-and-stars said:

I am really afraid that he is just playing with me

Anything else makes you think he might be a player?

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, moon-and-stars said:

How can i get over it and should i just let it go?

Yes, you should just let it go. You weren’t exclusive back then and therefore him sleeping with another girl wasn’t cheating. But yes, obviously it stings. Perhaps you shouldn’t have asked him that question, knowing that the answer would be so hard for you to handle. But look at the bright side: he honestly confessed and even apologized. He is with you now, he isn’t cheating.

 

2 hours ago, moon-and-stars said:

He says he didn't have feelings for that girl who he slept with, but they also went on 4 dates and were in contact more than 1 month? So apparently he liked her? How could he want her, if he really liked me?

Would you prefer if he just had completely mindless sex with a total stranger? He was probably hesitating, wasn’t sure whom he liked more. He slept with that girl but obviously didn’t like her enough to choose her. He chose you. Which means that you’re the one he really likes.

 

 

[Gebidozo]

29 minutes ago, moon-and-stars said:

It feels like he didn’t have particular feelings for me before that kiss, because he was dating (and sleeping) around.

The two aren’t mutually exclusive. He had feelings for you, but you weren’t exclusive yet, so he also fooled around with other women. Then he realized he liked you enough to be exclusive with you, and made the decision to be only with you.

This has nothing to do with settling. Settling is choosing to be with someone for practical reasons, without having strong romantic feelings for that person. Is there anything else in his behavior that makes you feel that he is settling?

[Georgia46]

I’d just move forward. 
that’s all in the past.

men really will sleep with anyone, most of them don’t care. 
 

he chose you so go with it 😎

[Alpacalia]

33 minutes ago, moon-and-stars said:

He said that back then he was not actively looking for anything serious and just wanted to get to know new girls. Also didn’t want to get involved very fast (like it has been in his past). He said that he didn’t want to just settle with some girl anymore, like it was before, but to find that one special woman that he will adore 100%. And he felt it with me after the first kiss, and didn’t expect that it will work out that way with us. 

But I have an issue with this too. It feels like he didn’t have particular feelings for me before that kiss, because he was dating (and sleeping) around. I don’t want to feel like he just “settled” with me. 

I would not consider it a matter of settling but more so that he could easily sleep with someone while the two of you were dating. IDK, I never started a relationship where someone slept with another after a few dates. It would just feel icky to me, but to each their own.

[Gebidozo]

34 minutes ago, moon-and-stars said:

And I am really afraid that he is just playing with me and saying stuff, although he is actually not the type of guy who dates casually.

You seem to be confusing two very different things, “playing” with a person and having casual sex.

”Playing” with someone means intentionally misleading, lying. If he says he has feelings for you and wants to be exclusive with you but actually just wants to have sex with you without being committed, then he is playing you.

Casual sex is just sex without commitment. Two people agree to have sex with no strings attached, and both are aware of that. No misleading or lying are involved.

Your BF could have been a monk his whole life and still be “playing” with you now. Or he could have slept with a 100 women just before he committed to you, and still not be “playing” with you now.

Edited October 22 by Gebidozo

[ShyViolet]

It's kind of ridiculous to get jealous about something that happened before you were officially a couple.  He was not your boyfriend at the time and you weren't exclusive.  You should let this go.  And you shouldn't have asked him this in the first place if you couldn't handle the answer.

[spiritedaway2003]

3 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I would not consider it a matter of settling but more so that he could easily sleep with someone while the two of you were dating. IDK, I never started a relationship where someone slept with another after a few dates. It would just feel icky to me, but to each their own.

This is the crux of the issue for me as well.  I'm not into dating someone who so casually sleeps around after just a couple of dates, but that's me. 

However, he isn't in the wrong because you weren't exclusive at the time, so it's either you bury it and try to move forward, or this will become a thorny issue in your relationship.

If this bothers you already, it might become a thorny issue down the line since because he did something that somehow made you doubt how much he cares about you already.  He's "technically" not in the wrong; it's just a matter of whether you can get past it.   Good luck.

[ExpatInItaly]

Another case of "don't ask questions if you are only looking for a certain answer" - and then get upset when the person is honest and you get an answer you don't like. 

For some, this wouldn't be much of an issue. For others, it is. There is no real right or wrong, in terms of whether it's fine or not. It depends on whether you feel you can let it be and move past it. If you can't, well, that's okay. .There would just be no future with him. 

 

[Acacia98]

10 hours ago, moon-and-stars said:

How can i get over it and should i just let it go? I actually had feelings for him already in the beginning, but we never spoke about exclusivity back then and i was shy to show some initiative. I also wanted to take it slow. Apparently he did not want to screw things up with us, and also wanted to take it slow (so he says). 

Personally, I don't multi-date. 

But as I understand it, if you're multi-dating and don't make a point of talking about exclusivity, it's safe to assume you and the other person are seeing more than one person.

Apparently, he also didn't know you had feelings for him:

Quote

He said that before that kiss he didn't know if it would lead somewhere, and wasn't sure if I had feelings for him.

All I can say is that perhaps some honest communication can serve you well (if early exclusivity matters so much to you).

[MsJayne]

10 hours ago, moon-and-stars said:

Apparently he was just horny, and after sex happened he immediately regretted it and cut off contact with her because he had no feelings for her or any intention to continue this.

Gee, sounds like a really warm, kind, and genuine guy. 

 

10 hours ago, moon-and-stars said:

Apparently he did not want to screw things up with us

And yet instead of focusing on you, he was dating other women at the same time. 

 

10 hours ago, moon-and-stars said:

He said it was a mistake, he is not into casual sex, and it happened for the first time in his life and he realised that it was just wrong.

Did his nose start to grow as he said this?

I think this is going to be a bugbear for you from now on. Some people are fine with multi-dating, some aren't. I'm one of the ones who aren't, I think it devalues people and instantly kills any magic. Multi-dating culture is killing romance. You are correct that if he was really into you he wouldn't be shopping around elsewhere, that's how true attraction works. 

[moon-and-stars]

13 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Anything else makes you think he might be a player?

Actually no. He is treating me very well and does lots of stuff for me. I guess another problem is that i compare his behaviour to my previous relationship. My ex fell in love with me on the 1st date, was showering me with compliments and love. This is why sometimes i think that my boyfriend now does not love me much, because he clearly was not in love with me from day 1. I often think that i am not enough. 

Especially now, since i learned that he dated around and slept with someone. I just feel like one of those girls. And i remembered how special I was for my Ex in the beginning, and start to think that this is how it should be 😔 and i start to question everything

[moon-and-stars]

12 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

The two aren’t mutually exclusive. He had feelings for you, but you weren’t exclusive yet, so he also fooled around with other women. Then he realized he liked you enough to be exclusive with you, and made the decision to be only with you.

This has nothing to do with settling. Settling is choosing to be with someone for practical reasons, without having strong romantic feelings for that person. Is there anything else in his behavior that makes you feel that he is settling?

I understand that we were not exclusive. But i see it from a totally different perspective, it is not a question of exclusivity for me. But more of who whe really liked back then and that i was apparently not important. And why did he get together with me then

[moon-and-stars]

I also feel like a fool because now i think that my feelings were not mutual back then. That maybe I fell for him before he did? It stings. 

[Gaeta]

47 minutes ago, moon-and-stars said:

I also feel like a fool because now i think that my feelings were not mutual back then. That maybe I fell for him before he did? It stings. 

So what? 

Isn't it more important how he feels about you today?

Feelings are supposed to grow with times. When someone says he loves us on a first date it's not love, it's attraction, chemistry, lust. It's a bunch of hormones acting up, it has nothing to do with loving someone. Love is something that grows as we get to know someone, we get to witness their kindness, generosity, patience, their humor, we get to experience how reliable and loyal they are. 

How useful was it that your ex 'loved' you right away when he's not with you any longer? What's the used of a love that starts strong and then dies? Isn't it better the other way around?

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, moon-and-stars said:

My ex fell in love with me on the 1st date, was showering me with compliments and love.

Speaking of love on the first date? Those are usually just words and neediness shining through. I hope you don’t expect men to do that, that’s actually a red flag in most cases. And isn’t there a reason he is your ex now?

 

2 hours ago, moon-and-stars said:

because he clearly was not in love with me from day 1.

Nobody is in love from day 1! What are you saying? I’m one of the fastest fallers-in-love on this planet and even I never had that. It’s just impossible. You can’t fall in love with someone you don’t know, and it takes more than one day to know someone.

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, moon-and-stars said:

But more of who whe really liked back then and that i was apparently not important.

Who cares? He likes you now. He is romantic, committed to you and isn’t cheating, right? Then what else do you want? He chose you because he likes you more than those other girls.

 

2 hours ago, moon-and-stars said:

 

I also feel like a fool because now i think that my feelings were not mutual back then. That maybe I fell for him before he did?

 

Why would you feel like a fool because of that? So what if you fell for him earlier than he did? Feelings change and grow. They aren’t always synchronized between two people. 

[Acacia98]

5 hours ago, moon-and-stars said:

Actually no. He is treating me very well and does lots of stuff for me. I guess another problem is that i compare his behaviour to my previous relationship. My ex fell in love with me on the 1st date, was showering me with compliments and love. This is why sometimes i think that my boyfriend now does not love me much, because he clearly was not in love with me from day 1. I often think that i am not enough. 

Especially now, since i learned that he dated around and slept with someone. I just feel like one of those girls. And i remembered how special I was for my Ex in the beginning, and start to think that this is how it should be 😔 and i start to question everything

Perhaps you should end this relationship and reconcile with your ex?

[NuevoYorko]

I don't think that this guy will ever be able to live this down with you ... so you are probably better off just moving on from him.