He slept with another girl after 3 dates with me

[mark clemson]

You only kissed after 1 month? Are you a teen? If not it seems you did not advance the relationship very quickly. You are you, but it's no surprise that he's still "trying out" others/having fun. To my mind (barring odd circumstances) an adult woman who doesn't even kiss for a month is not serious about the relationship. It would not shock me if he felt similarly.

If you are going to make a big deal over this, I tend to agree with others you should probably drop him and move on. I think you should also take a while to "introspect" and see if you are perhaps self-sabotaging your relationships e.g. by moving too slowly or similar. If you are a teen or only dating casually, then perhaps that doesn't apply.

[Alpacalia]

Once someone gets excited about someone and really wants to see them a second time, they typically drop all the other potentials from meeting to just texting. Also, I am not capable of falling in love if I do not focus on really connecting and getting to know someone.

And would he not be afraid you'd find out and get hurt and not want to ruin his chances? He could of easily said that he wants to take things slow because he's not sure what he wants, but saying that he was horny? That's just hitting himself in the head. 

So, if this is how you approach dating, it would seem to me, that the two of you aren't compatible.

Edited October 23 by Alpacalia

[Leihla_B]

Your story is why I subscribe to a "don't ask, don't tell" policy in terms of sexual history. Anything beyond prior marriages, LTR's, existing children, and a mutual STI report is none of my business.

We're each pragmatic and romantic to varying degrees. Your Ex-Prince Charming declared love-at-first-date without even knowing you yet. That's very romantic. Where is he now?

Yes, reality can pop a fantasy bubble, and IMO, that's when real love begins. I think of love as more than a feeling, it's a verb--an informed decision to love someone despite imperfections, and to demonstrate a commitment to that choice every day.

You get to decide if you want to invest in this guy or not. You could hold out for a storybook beginning. Either way, your choice is valid for you.

Edited October 23 by Leihla_B

[BaileyB]

I’m not investing in a relationship with a man who is in the process of building a possible relationship with me and has sex with another woman. Sure, you can argue that you were not “official” and he did nothing wrong - he was multi dating. It’s his explanation that shows me I would never be able to trust him.

Next. 

Edited October 25 by BaileyB

[smackie9]

He's a guy...sex was offered of course he's gonna take it. He had no commitment to you. Now if this action doesn't sit well with you then you end the relationship. Simple as that. Be done with it.

[Alpacalia]

But isn't that kind of mindset, that he is a guy so of course he will take it, a bit sexist and conformative to toxic stereotypes? People make conscious choices and actions, and ultimately he made the decision to go on those dates and have sex with someone else while also pursuing a relationship with you. 

[mark clemson]

It's a tendency, certainly not a hard and fast. I've turned down offers of intimacy for various reasons over the years. A guy can be feeling anxious or uncertain about a person or situation (for example) or really a host of other reasons.

Some men will certainly go for sex and then "figure everything else out later" (ie, is this really a relationship he wants to be in) or simply be looking for NSA sex, up to and including prostitution. All that stuff is certainly out there. But yes, as a blanket statement it's certainly a stereotype, and there are "low-drive" men as well, etc, etc.

Edited October 25 by mark clemson

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

But isn't that kind of mindset, that he is a guy so of course he will take it, a bit sexist and conformative to toxic stereotypes?

Agree. 
 

4 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Now if this action doesn't sit well with you then you end the relationship. Simple as that.

This is the bottom line though. 

It doesn’t sit well with you OP. It wouldn’t sit well with me either. 

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

But isn't that kind of mindset, that he is a guy so of course he will take it, a bit sexist and conformative to toxic stereotypes?

Maybe, yes. I don’t think gender is the issue here. In my opinion, the guy didn’t do anything wrong sleeping with someone while not being committed to the OP yet, but then I wouldn’t blame a woman who’d do that, either, if the genders were reversed. If the OP can’t handle that and thinks this is some sort of an ethical dealbreaker for her, then she should just break up with the guy. 

[Alpacalia]

4 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Maybe, yes. I don’t think gender is the issue here. In my opinion, the guy didn’t do anything wrong sleeping with someone while not being committed to the OP yet, but then I wouldn’t blame a woman who’d do that, either, if the genders were reversed. If the OP can’t handle that and thinks this is some sort of an ethical dealbreaker for her, then she should just break up with the guy. 

I didn't say he was wrong because technically they weren't a couple but it's still a bit shady IMO, even if it wasn't deliberately malicious. And yes, she should just break up with him if it's a dealbreaker to her.

[moon-and-stars]

Thank you for all the imput!🙂 Yes it is hard for me to live with, i think about it every day and overanalyse it. The wound is still fresh... we have talked about it again, he told me that it had nothing to do with me and that he definitely regrets it. Even if he didn't know me, it was apparently a mistake for him to sleep with that girl because it just felt weird and she was the wrong person. He said that he was just horny at the time, but after sex he just wanted to be left alone. And that it showed him the importance of true intimacy and love when it comes to sex.

Now it is quite hard for me because on the one hand I love his personality, he does a lot for us, always puts me first and makes me happy, but on the other hand I question his feelings for me, why did he fall in love with me when it was obviously not at first sight and he was dating other people. I find it hard to believe that he really cares about me, otherwise he would have acted differently. I don't know how to act, because I definitely don't want to fight all the time or look so unhappy every time we see each other, because he doesn't deserve that either. 

[moon-and-stars]

On 10/23/2024 at 10:53 PM, mark clemson said:

You only kissed after 1 month? Are you a teen? If not it seems you did not advance the relationship very quickly. You are you, but it's no surprise that he's still "trying out" others/having fun. To my mind (barring odd circumstances) an adult woman who doesn't even kiss for a month is not serious about the relationship. It would not shock me if he felt similarly.

If you are going to make a big deal over this, I tend to agree with others you should probably drop him and move on. I think you should also take a while to "introspect" and see if you are perhaps self-sabotaging your relationships e.g. by moving too slowly or similar. If you are a teen or only dating casually, then perhaps that doesn't apply.

We are both in our late 20s. I guess as a woman it is important for me to see that a man i am seeing is really interested in me. And he acted very interested, initiated dates and we had long and interesting conversations. I guess i just was shy to make the first move. 

And when i asked him why didn't he try to kiss me earlier, he said that he did not want to scare me off or to be "too much" as i seemed to have had very strong boundaries and came off as distant. Although i do not quite believe it 

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, moon-and-stars said:

but on the other hand I question his feelings for me

There is no reason to question his feelings for you just because he had casual sex with someone else when you weren’t exclusive.

 

1 hour ago, moon-and-stars said:

why did he fall in love with me when it was obviously not at first sight

Because this is how it happens in real life. Nobody falls in love at first sight. There is no such thing. People fall in love gradually, over the course of time.

 

1 hour ago, moon-and-stars said:

I don't know how to act, because I definitely don't want to fight all the time or look so unhappy every time we see each other, because he doesn't deserve that either. 

That is correct. Either you get over it, or you break up with him. In order to get over it, you’ll need to understand that him sleeping with that other girl doesn’t mean, per se, that his feelings for you are lacking. If you can’t see things in that way, maybe breaking up with him would be better.

Maybe you two aren’t compatible and you’d be happier dating someone who’s never had any casual sex. Just bear in mind that a sizable proportion of men who tell you that they’d never sleep with a woman unless they’re in love with her are either lying to you, lying to themselves, or are too young and inexperienced.

[Gaeta]

You got to stop bringning this up to him. The man is painfully twisting himself to make you understand he wants you in his life. This man does not deserve to be tortured again and again over this. 

If you're late 20s and still think people have to fall in love at first sight like in Dysney's movies then you are not emotionally mature enough to be in an adult relationship. You need to break up and let him find a lady that can love him with no hold back. He sounds like an open book for the woman in his life. Not many honest open book men out there. He won't stay single for long.

[NuevoYorko]

4 hours ago, moon-and-stars said:

I don't know how to act, because I definitely don't want to fight all the time or look so unhappy every time we see each other, because he doesn't deserve that either. 

Well ... you obviously will never allow things to be OK between you and this guy, you don't trust him or believe him, and to top it off you require "LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT ."   So please, please stop the misery and let him find someone who will accept him.  

You might be better off finding a matchmaker / arranged marriage type of situation.   I'm sure you know that there are  cultures where "dating" is not even a thing;  only strictly courtship that is a precursor to marriage - perhaps look for someone from one of them.  I hope you will be able to offer pristine virginity etc. though, I think that would be a requirement.  

[Acacia98]

5 hours ago, moon-and-stars said:

And when i asked him why didn't he try to kiss me earlier, he said that he did not want to scare me off or to be "too much" as i seemed to have had very strong boundaries and came off as distant. Although i do not quite believe it 

I think you've already made your decision. So don't drag the process out. Be kind enough to break up with this guy as soon as possible. 

[ShyViolet]

17 hours ago, moon-and-stars said:

but on the other hand I question his feelings for me, why did he fall in love with me when it was obviously not at first sight and he was dating other people.

What an absolutely ridiculous reason to sabotage a relationship, because you do not believe that he fell in love with you "at first sight."  Mature people know that "love at first sight" isn't real and that's not how real relationships develop, and also know that people have a past and are sometimes dating other people before you start a relationship with them.  You are holding this relationship to an impossible standard, a standard that is cartoon-fantasy.  You don't really sound emotionally mature enough to continue this relationship.  Let him go and let him find someone who will appreciate him.

[stillafool]

On 10/27/2024 at 8:12 PM, moon-and-stars said:

Now it is quite hard for me because on the one hand I love his personality, he does a lot for us, always puts me first and makes me happy, but on the other hand I question his feelings for me, why did he fall in love with me when it was obviously not at first sight and he was dating other people. I find it hard to believe that he really cares about me, otherwise he would have acted differently. I don't know how to act, because I definitely don't want to fight all the time or look so unhappy every time we see each other, because he doesn't deserve that either. 

If you truly feel and believe what you wrote above, break up with him and wait around for a guy who will take one look at you and fall head over heels in love and never look at another woman.   Good luck because you'll need it.

[mark clemson]

On 10/27/2024 at 5:18 PM, moon-and-stars said:

 I guess as a woman it is important for me to see that a man i am seeing is really interested in me. And he acted very interested, initiated dates and we had long and interesting conversations. I guess i just was shy to make the first move.

Ok - well, during that time it's clear he was keeping his options open (understandably since you weren't advancing the relationship). One thing led to another and here you are. I'd say learn from this that if you're serious about a guy make it clear sooner rather than later. It's no guarantee but at least you'll have created the best chance for it to become more with him, rather than leaving things open-ended.

You are you and there are folks who need more time to warm up to a relationship, but for better or worse that does leave the door more open than it would be if you move quickly to establish that "yes, this is a relationship" and "yes I'm serious about you" etc.