Was I being offensive?

[lemonicetea]

I was talking to a guy on Hinge and things seemed to be going well. He told me that he likes walking his dog around a local park. I said I would be more into walking in parks if it wasn’t for the large number of homeless people there (this is very prevalent in our area). 
 

Then the guy went on a tirade on how it’s unfair to group all unhoused people into one category, the only difference between them and us is they don’t have a permanent address, he’s had many friends who are/were homeless and they are all good people, and how if I plan on being a teacher (something I’m going to school for) in our local district I need to work on not being bigoted towards students are unhoused. 

Was my comment about wanting to avoid being around homeless people offensive? Or should I avoid this guy? Just to be abundantly clear, I’m not talking about people who are just down on their luck. I’m talking about drug addicts I’ve seen strung out in public. Of course people can turn their lives around, but in my expirence most homeless encampments are filled with drugs and violence. 

[basil67]

Yeah, I can see a couple of things which would have put him off. 

1. He shared with you something he enjoys doing and your response was negative, and without even seeing the park in question.   

2. Second your wording was not clear that that you weren't talking about all homeless people so I can see why he interpreted your words as he did.  But even then your phrase, 'down on their luck' doesn't even begin to touch on the issue of lack of availability of affordable housing. There are people are working good jobs and still unable to get a roof over their heads.  

I don't think you need to avoid him, as I suspect he won't be in contact with you again.   Your views are far too different, and you lead with a negative vibe

Edited October 24, 2024 by basil67

[Gebidozo]

To be fair, I’d be somewhat turned off by your comment as well.

I mean, he said he liked doing something, and you said that you didn’t like doing that. Not a great way to hit it off, I think you could have rephrased that more positively.

Also, your comment itself, about homeless people, could have been made in a less off-putting way. It sounded like an unkind negative generalization.

[lemonicetea]

12 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Yeah, I can see a couple of things which would have put him off. 

1. He shared with you something he enjoys doing and your response was negative, and without even seeing the park in question.   

2. Second your wording was not clear that that you weren't talking about all homeless people so I can see why he interpreted your words as he did.  But even then your phrase, 'down on their luck' doesn't even begin to touch on the issue of lack of availability of affordable housing. There are people are working good jobs and still unable to get a roof over their heads.  

I don't think you need to avoid him, as I suspect he won't be in contact with you again.   Your views are far too different, and you lead with a negative vibe

I told him about how I love mall walking, and then he asks me if I like to walk in the park too because he likes walking his dog there. I wanted to give an honest answer. 

[basil67]

Just now, lemonicetea said:

I told him about how I love mall walking, and then he asks me if I like to walk in the park too because he likes walking his dog there. I wanted to give an honest answer. 

You would do well with learning to use tact

[Alpacalia]

I live in CA and there is a hugh homeless population. I feel for them, but one time I was walking my dog and a homelessman that was visibly under the influence mooned me and I felt very unsafe. So, I 100% understand why you said what you did.  

I don't think your comment was necessarily offensive, but it may have come across as insensitive or dismissive towards people who are homeless. It's important to remember that everyone's experiences and perspectives are valid, and some people may have different views on the issue. 

That being said, the guy's response seems to be overly defensive and attacking. It's never okay to verbally attack someone for stating their opinion. It also seems like he may have some personal biases or experiences that are influencing his response. 

[lemonicetea]

8 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I live in CA and there is a hugh homeless population. I feel for them, but one time I was walking my dog and a homelessman that was visibly under the influence mooned me and I felt very unsafe. So, I 100% understand why you said what you did.  

I don't think your comment was necessarily offensive, but it may have come across as insensitive or dismissive towards people who are homeless. It's important to remember that everyone's experiences and perspectives are valid, and some people may have different views on the issue. 

That being said, the guy's response seems to be overly defensive and attacking. It's never okay to verbally attack someone for stating their opinion. It also seems like he may have some personal biases or experiences that are influencing his response. 

Yeah a couple years ago I was at a park, and a (presumably homeless) man under the influence of something jumped out of the bushes right in front of me screaming “I’m going to kill you, whore!” along with every other nasty word in the book, while punching and kicking the air. Like he wasn’t saying or doing it to me, but it still made me feel unsafe. This is where my bias comes from. 

Edited October 24, 2024 by lemonicetea

[basil67]

8 minutes ago, lemonicetea said:

Yeah a couple years ago I was at a park, and a (presumably homeless) man under the influence of something jumped out of the bushes right in front of me screaming “I’m going to kill you, whore!” along with every other nasty word in the book, while punching and kicking the air. Like he wasn’t saying or doing it to me, but it still made me feel unsafe. This is where my bias comes from. 

Had you said that you want to enjoy parks, but feel unsafe because a man was abusive to you in a park, the outcome of this discussion would have been far different.

[Gaeta]

I find him to be a big bully. He could have offered to walk with you in the park, he could have asked if something had happenned to you, he could have started a constructive conversation about homelessness but he decided to attack and patronize you.

It's like he doesn't know that women have to check their back all the time. We have to be constantly on alert and it's not prejudice that keeps us out of areas with homeless people but our instinct of self preservation.

[lemonicetea]

Just for context, these are our messages:

Him: “What do you like to do outside of work?”

Me: “I’ve been doing Diamond Art lately. I also love mall walking. How about you?”

Him: “…I prefer parks and other outdoor places for my people walking. I’m assuming that’s why you like to go mall walking…..” [He first shared a story about how his friend is into diamond art, and then talked about how he loves spending time with his dog and talked about her for a while]

Me: “I like mall walking because it’s indoors. You can do it rain or shine. I’m not against walking in parks but it seems like there’s always homeless people around.” 
 

Him: “I get the feeling you think there is something wrong with homeless people. Am I picking up vibes that aren’t there?” 

After that he sends me a super long message I summarized in the first post. I guess he never specifically told me that he likes walking with his dog at the park, but he said that on his bio. 

 

[Mrin]

Honestly? Any guy who can't understand a woman's apprehension about walking alone around homeless people in an uncontrolled environment like a park is a moron. 

[Carlston]

Nothing wrong with your response, it's incomfortable and potentially dangerous being around homeless people. 

If he's that triggered, he'll be a big problem going forward.

[Marka]

Nothing wrong with your responses. I recently visited one city and it has very high rate of homeless people, I was really scared and uncomfortable there, couldn't wait to leave. I don't have anything against them and feel bad for those who are unwillingly ended in such situation, but it is still scary for me as a woman and I would not enjoy going to a place where I know I would feel unsafe.

[Alpacalia]

14 hours ago, lemonicetea said:

Yeah a couple years ago I was at a park, and a (presumably homeless) man under the influence of something jumped out of the bushes right in front of me screaming “I’m going to kill you, whore!” along with every other nasty word in the book, while punching and kicking the air. Like he wasn’t saying or doing it to me, but it still made me feel unsafe. This is where my bias comes from. 

I get where he may have felt your comment was biased but instead of taking the time to find out where your bias comes from he did not need to go on a field day about you and then your profession.

He has friends that are homeless so naturally he will be a bit protective, understandable, but you feeling unsafe is valid too.

[BaileyB]

You clearly touched a nerve with your comment. My guess is that this is a very personal topic for him - he has that he has friends who have been homeless or unhoused. I wonder if maybe he has found himself in a similar situation at one time. Something clearly caused him to take the comment very personally.

He could have demonstrated more tact rather than rushing to judgment and going on the offensive. 

I agree with the above statement - any man who does not understand a woman’s apprehensions about walking in a park where there are individuals who are homeless with possible mental health and/or addiction issues is not particularly insightful. 

Edited October 25, 2024 by BaileyB

[smackie9]

You dodged a bullet girl...like hands down. He accuses you of being judgmental when he was the one doing it. Homelessness is a brutal subject. The POV on both sides is torrent. What happened was no fault of your own. TBH you didn't say anything negative about it, you made no comments about hating the fact they are there or they shouldn't be there. Gaeta is right, a woman's safety is a concern to which a lot of men never consider. It's no secret that a lot of homeless suffer from mental illness and drug addiction...a volatile concoction. The police don't even feel safe going into these camps to do welfare checks.

[Els]

Well, a bit of both. I definitely think you could've phrased it better (e.g. "I encountered an abusive drug addict in a park before"). I also think he's massively overreacting. People make verbal oopsies and don't phrase their words perfectly all the time, and your mistake wasn't all that bad. You two are probably just incompatible, no point trying to force things after getting off on the wrong foot like that.

[BaileyB]

Exactly, one can make a poorly worded or even downright offensive comment - it does not give the other person the right to go off the way that he did. He could have found a much more respectful way to tell you that he disagreed with your comment or even found it inappropriate/offensive. 

His response would be the end of this relationship for me. 

[lemonicetea]

I had sent him a message (after he sent me his rant) to clarify that I was referring to homeless people strung out on drugs, and not just people who are homeless simply because they are unhoused. I got a message from him today saying that he gets that, but he subscribes to the theory that only people who act like victims become the victims of strangers. But then admits that being a guy who is 6’4” might have something to do with it. 
 

Im thinking I better just stop talking to him. If he is this patronizing of me, and criticizing my suitability at my career without knowing anything (heck, there is a student in my class who is technically homeless, he and his mom are living in an apartment but it’s a temporary thing) now, I can’t imagine how anything is going to get any better. Everyone is on their best behavior when you first meet them, and if this is best, I would hate to see his worst (or even his average). 

[ ] 

Edited October 25, 2024 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
armchair dx

[Marka]

44 minutes ago, lemonicetea said:

 that only people who act like victims become the victims of strangers. 

Run! This guy sounds like a potential abuser.

I would unmatch asap

[Gebidozo]

52 minutes ago, lemonicetea said:

I got a message from him today saying that he gets that, but he subscribes to the theory that only people who act like victims become the victims of strangers.

What? That’s just utter bullshit.

Forget about what I said before. You might have expressed your thoughts more tactfully, but his reaction is overkill, and this one phrase of his is a red flag.

[Gaeta]

50 minutes ago, lemonicetea said:

unhoused. I got a message from him today saying that he gets that, but he subscribes to the theory that only people who act like victims become the victims of strangers. But then admits that being a guy who is 6’4” might have something

He is getting weirder and weirder with each message! At this point you got to block and delete. Next thing he will say it's women's fault for getting raped! And because he's 6'4" he can't relate!! God l hope he does not have daughters. 

[Alpacalia]

When you're arguing before a first date, that is never a good sign. Just be done with it.

[ShyViolet]

This guy sounds like a douche and I would not continue talking to him.  He sounds like one of these people who always makes everything about his political views and can't resist preaching about his political views to anyone who will listen.  I don't think what you said was that offensive.  There's nothing wrong with saying that you don't enjoy going to places where there are a lot of homeless people.  That's not the same thing as saying that you think all homeless people are bad people, or have no compassion for them.  This guy sounds kind of insufferable and I think his reaction to your tiny comment was completely unnecessary.

[Leihla_B]

Responsible promoters of social causes recognize that it's only through gentle education that people may, over time, be open to adopting their proposals--whether that's language changes, perception changes, or whatever.

Self-aggrandizing 'justice warriors' who exploit such movements by attacking others for attention only serve to alienate people, and they work against the very causes they profess to care about.

This guy isn't 'for' anybody but himself, and I'm glad you recognize this.

Head high, and I hope you'll meet some wonderful men who will appreciate you.