Daughter in Distress

[ladyjayne]

The strain on my daughter and son-in-law's 10-year relationship became evident during the challenging period of the COVID-19 pandemic, when they found themselves confined to a small apartment amidst widespread social unrest. This tense environment exacerbated their disagreements, often escalating into intense arguments. A core issue in their relationship is my son-in-law's lack of empathy, a trait that frequently frustrates my daughter. Seeking help, they engaged in couples counseling, which initially showed promise in improving their communication and understanding.

However, a devastating incident involving their beloved dog tragically undermined their progress. While on a long-awaited honeymoon, they entrusted their pet to their counselor, who then allowed a stray dog into the home. This resulted in a fatal attack on their dog, leaving my daughter heartbroken and unwilling to continue therapy. Adding to their challenges, my son-in-law's changing jobs have led to frequent relocations throughout their 10-year relationship, leaving my daughter feeling exhausted and longing for stability.

Though he's always reached out to me during their disagreements, expressing concern for my daughter's well-being, this situation has become increasingly alarming. He paints a picture of my daughter struggling mentally, screaming and yelling, but his own actions raise serious concerns. His recent call, inquiring about my daughter's whereabouts after a major argument about yet another move, highlights his lack of awareness and responsibility.

 To make matters worse, he left for a bachelor party across the country amidst the moving chaos, leaving my daughter to handle everything alone. Returning only on moving day to find her gone, he seems oblivious to his own role in this crisis.

While I've tried to remain neutral, I'm deeply troubled. I can't stand by and watch my daughter caught in this destructive pattern. I need to find a way to support her and help her recognize the unhealthy dynamics of this relationship before it further impacts her well-being. Any suggestions?

[ShyViolet]

What does your daughter say about the relationship; does she want to leave or does she want to stay in it?

It sounds like there is an unhealthy lack of boundaries here.  Your son in law is calling you every time they have a blow-out argument and unloading on you, telling you that she has "mental issues."  I'm not sure why he's doing that or what he expects you to do about it.  You really can't get in the middle of their relationship.  They are adults and they need to either work to save the relationship, or go their separate ways and end it.

[ladyjayne]

thanks ... just venting. 

[MsJayne]

Next time your SIL contacts you to undermine your daughter to you, let him have it with both barrels. If he lacks empathy he's the one with mental health issues, not her - please state this to him clearly. Undermining a spouse behind their back is something narcissists do to weaken the spouses support system, don't be a part of it. 

[Leihla_B]

What does SIL say or do (or not say or do) that upsets your daughter so much?

What does she think about her husband contacting you?

Does she contact you to discuss her perceptions or her side of their arguments?

Where did she go when she left, and is she still gone, or did she turn to her husband?