What do I do?

[2ndTryHusband]

So my wife and I have been married 2 years. We have a one year old son. We have not been intimate for quite a while, and I think that might have been the start of our drift, but as it stands now, I’m trying to make steps to improve, but it’s not being reciprocated. She has said she needs time to work on herself, so I’m giving her space, but we don’t communicate about our relationship at all. We still talk about our days and our kid and little things, but nothing deep. I’ve tried to initiate communication about our relationship, but she says she isn’t ready yet. I’ve suggested counseling/therapy, but she said she needs to work on herself first to be receptive in couples counseling. I tried to help her look into personal therapy/counseling, but then she says I’m pushing her. So, I’ve been keeping my distance. Trying to give her space, but I’m feeling alone and rejected. Since we started drifting, we have had a couple of incidents where each one of us has done something to betray the others trust, so I get that it isn’t going to be an overnight thing, but I feel like I’m trying and she is t making any effort. What do I do?

[BaileyB]

I think you put it on the table - if she’s not ready to find an individual counsellor, how long does she expect you to wait? What’s she doing in the mean time to get herself to the place that she will be ready to make herself vulnerable, get some counselling, and begin to talk with you and heal this relationship? If the answer is - I don’t know, don’t push me… I would ask for separation. The purpose of the separation would be to give her the time and space that she needs to feel better. 

You can’t do anything to heal this until you understand the problem. Perhaps, the breach of trust has caused her a great deal of trauma/pain. Perhaps, she has depression (possibly even post-partum depression) or another mental health concern. Or perhaps, she is cheating. You don’t know what the problem is right now and you can’t fix anything until you have a better idea of what is happening for her. And obviously, she needs to be invested in improving the situation. 

But, indefinitely in a relationship with a partner who is withdrawn, isolating herself, refusing to communicate with you, and refusing to seek help for herself is not a healthy thing for either her or you. At the be try least, you need to give yourself a time limit and say - if she doesn’t take steps in a positive direction by the new year, or in the next six months, we need to separate because this is not healthy for either of us. 

Edited October 25 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, 2ndTryHusband said:

Since we started drifting, we have had a couple of incidents where each one of us has done something to betray the others trust

The other thing you really have to ask yourself is if this is a relationship worth saving. Respectfully, it’s been two years and “there has been a couple incidents…” 

 

[BaileyB]

15 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

But, indefinitely in a relationship with a partner who is withdrawn, isolating herself, refusing to communicate with you, and refusing to seek help for herself is not a healthy thing for either her or you.

Apologies, that should say “staying indefinitely…”

[2ndTryHusband]

I will say, she never wanted to have kids, and I was questioning it. She took it pretty hard. She loves our son, but she has told me a number of times, she doesn’t feel herself since having our son. Also, with current financials, she feels trapped, and I get that. I try to offer for her to go out and do things whenever possible, but it’s really difficult for me too, because despite us both having a child, I’m now working two jobs to try and get our finances fixed, but yet, any time I am home, she pushes our son off on me. I put him down every night. During the week, I get him up, and most days when I/we get home, she says she needs to take a bath to decompress and relax, and usually ends up spending a minimum of 2 hours in there. She puts on a happy face on the typical day in and day out making me think things are getting better, but I don’t see much as far as the work going in. We talked about separating at one point, but we don’t really have the money or means to do so.

[BaileyB]

It’s a tough spot to be in, for both of you.

Do you have the ability to seek individual counselling for yourself? 

[2ndTryHusband]

Yes, I can seek counseling for myself, but time and money are an issue.

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, 2ndTryHusband said:

Yes, I can seek counseling for myself, but time and money are an issue.

I believe you. I think that may be your best course of action, at this point. 

She is obviously unhappy. Avoidance is her chosen coping strategy - she is preferring to hide in the bathroom at this point, rather than communicate with you about how she is feeling and face the difficulties here. 

You have no control over her - only yourself. Two things are very true - cheating does not help this situation. It’s the easy thing to do, but it will only cause your wife pain and likely precipitate the demise of your marriage. Otherwise, the only thing you can do if your partner is not willing to come to the table to have the discussion/work to improve the situation is seek your own counsellor and begin to develop your own plan going forward… which may mean separation, when you have worked out the logistics.

I hate to say it, but you may want to think about how you would cope if you had to parent your child as a single parent. I hope that’s not what happens, but worst case scenario - I would be really concerned about her ability to parent and be a good partner to you based on what you’ve described. I have to wonder if she would leave - if she had the means to do so…

Edited October 25 by BaileyB

[Els]

2 hours ago, 2ndTryHusband said:

I will say, she never wanted to have kids, and I was questioning it. She took it pretty hard.

This is a huge deal, and having a child she doesn't want can absolutely destroy a woman's life and mental health. I'm assuming that it was an accidental pregnancy... did you both explore options besides having and raising the child (e.g. abortion, adoption)? Did she want any of those options? Did you try to convince her otherwise? Also, after the last accidental pregnancy, did you take any steps (e.g. vasectomy) to ensure that you can have sex without the risk of an accident happening again?

I feel like focusing on intimacy (by which I assume you mean sex) in this situation is like focusing on your partner having a new mole on their face while they have a gushing bullet wound in their side. Yes moles can be cancer and moles need to be checked and not left alone... but also the gushing wound is a WAY higher priority. You need to have a heart-to-heart regarding the kid situation and to put everything you have into making that better. Otherwise, you're likely going to end up a single dad with sole custody... and sooner than you think.

Edited October 25 by Els

[2ndTryHusband]

To make a complicated situation more so, let me be clear. She loves our son, and I don’t think she would ever leave him. It wasn’t really an “accident”. When I say she never wanted kids, I mean she never planned to have kids. When we got together, the idea of kids was thrown around, and we talked about maybe having one or two. During that time, we had one moment of “let’s see what happens” and it was all it took. 

1 hour ago, Els said:

I feel like focusing on intimacy (by which I assume you mean sex) in this situation is like focusing on your partner having a new mole on their face while they have a gushing bullet wound in their side.

As for the sex, it is not my primary focus, but yes, it is something that is a primary focus of the drift between us. The entire drift started because of it. And it seems to be a very important part to her since she openly told me that in one of the few times we talked about it. Though, it is not the only intimacy I am missing. We used to hold hands. Kiss. Cuddle. All that is gone now.

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Two things are very true - cheating does not help this situation. It’s the easy thing to do, but it will only cause your wife pain and likely precipitate the demise of your marriage.

I agree. I would never cheat, though I did openly tell her I had thought about it before, but couldn’t cause her that kind of harm. This chat came up after one of the incidents I had mentioned occurred in which I caught her having “phone sex” with someone else. That was how she betrayed my trust. I will say that the way I betrayed her trust was nothing in the same general category of that, but quite damaging to her trust as well.

With all that said, she loves our son. And we did talk about separation after the incident I mentioned above. She doesn’t feel like herself, and has struggled with that since having our son. From the sex viewpoint, she doesn’t feel comfortable being with me in that sense because of my betrayal of trust. She says she just needs time, but I wonder if I did irreparable damage.

[VirginWifeHunter]

My brother, I can sense the frustration and despair in your words. It's clear that you're trying to be a good husband and father, but your wife is not meeting you halfway. Let me tell you something - in a Christian household, the husband is the spiritual leader, and it's your duty to guide your wife and family towards righteousness.

First of all, you need to understand that your wife's reluctance to communicate and work on your relationship is a sign of a deeper issue. She's saying she needs time to work on herself, but what does that even mean? Is she struggling with sin? Is she being influenced by the world and its wicked ways? You need to pray for discernment and wisdom to understand what's really going on here.

Now, I'm not saying you should give up on your wife or your marriage. No, no, no. You need to fight for your family and your relationship. But you need to do it in a way that honors God. You can't just sit back and wait for your wife to come around. You need to take the lead and be the spiritual head of your household.

Here's what I want you to do. I want you to start praying fervently for your wife and your marriage. Pray for God to soften her heart and open her eyes to the importance of your relationship. Pray for God to give you wisdom and guidance on how to navigate this difficult time.

And then, I want you to take action. You need to be the leader and the initiator in your relationship. Plan a special evening or weekend getaway where you can reconnect with your wife and talk about your issues. Don't just sit back and wait for her to be ready - take the initiative and make it happen.

And let me be clear - counseling and therapy can be helpful, but they're not a substitute for God's Word and prayer. You need to be seeking guidance from Scripture and praying for God's wisdom and discernment. Don't rely on secular solutions to fix your spiritual problems.

Lastly, you need to be prepared to take a stand and be the spiritual leader of your household, even if your wife is not on board. This may mean setting boundaries and being firm in your convictions, even if it's uncomfortable. Remember, your role as a husband and father is not to please your wife or your child, but to please God.

So, my brother, I want to leave you with a verse from Ephesians 5:25-33. "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her... In the same way, husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself." You need to be willing to sacrifice and lay down your life for your wife and your marriage, just as Christ did for the church.

[Leihla_B]

13 hours ago, 2ndTryHusband said:

I’ve suggested counseling/therapy, but she said she needs to work on herself first to be receptive in couples counseling.

My heart goes out to you. Have you considered individual counseling for yourself? It might be helpful to have someone who is trained in this stuff on your side. You may feel less isolated, you can gain some tools to handle the impacts of this issue on you, and you'll have someone you trust to bounce ideas with and to help you make important decisions going forward.

[2ndTryHusband]

So for anyone who has seen my previous post, you have a basic idea of my current situation with my wife. Today I want to add a little more to that story and ask a specific question for suggested action.

Since my wife had our son, we did not have a lot of sex. I openly admit part of that is my fault. I was afraid of rejection and afraid of pushing and doing something she didn’t want. I know that sounds dumb, but that’s my own problem I need to work out. We’ve already determined in my previous post that our communication is not good.

So after a while of no sex, my wife asked me if she could get a toy. This was kind of alarming to me, as she had toys when we met and when we moved in together she told me to throw them away. I have no problem with her having toys at all, but there are two things about it that gives me concern. One is when she got the toy, a few weeks after she got it, I caught her using it through an app that lets a random person control her toy while she controls his.

I confronted her on this and we had a long talk about it. Now the thing about this is we are struggling financially, but when she asked to get this toy, she caught it on sale for $40-60. Looking it up, it’s a $120 toy. Ok, fine whatever, as long as she isn’t using it with other people.

Fast forward, I found another toy I hadn’t seen before. Didn’t think anything about it. Then a number of weeks later, I find another new toy and start wondering how and where she is getting them. Look it up, and each of the new ones are well over $100. Definitely can’t afford that, so that’s one concern. Now, a few weeks later, I find 3 more toys (anal plugs). The second concern is if she is using these with someone else, and if they are buying these for her.

As mentioned in my previous post, my wife is not open to talking to me about these things or relationship wise things right now, but this is eating at me. Do I ask her about the toys? Or do I just keep giving her space and see if she will come around, and we can repair our marriage?

Edited Monday at 11:30 PM by 2ndTryHusband

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, 2ndTryHusband said:

I caught her using it through an app that lets a random person control her toy while she controls his.

This would absolutely not fly in my marriage. 

Toys are great! I’m not against using toys in a sexual relationship in any way…

But, WTF is she doing if she’s buying anal plugs and allowing another person to control her toy virtually? Is that what she is doing in the bathroom every night for two hours? 

This is just me, but I think it’s time for a serious conversation. She would have lost my trust and understanding when I learned that she was having virtual sex with a stranger. 

[2ndTryHusband]

Yes, when I found out we had a long discussion about what we were going to do next. She said she was gonna try to make things work, but even said she didn’t really want to quit. I’ve been on edge ever since. I don’t know where she is getting the toys, or even if she is still doing the virtual thing, but all the toys except the anal plugs are Lovense toys that are compatible with the app. So she could still be doing it, but she did call me out once sneaking to the living room because I thought I heard something and she said then that she hasn’t done that since. I know that if I try to talk to her about it, it’s gonna blow up, and maybe even push her away more, but how can I keep going on like this?

[Gaeta]

On 10/25/2024 at 1:11 PM, 2ndTryHusband said:

any time I am home, she pushes our son off on me

She may love your child, in a politically correct way, but she doesn't sound like a mother who bonded with her child. It sounds like she is resenting you for the baby. It happens, some women do not bond with their newborn, usually it will have negative repercussion on the relationship (check), irritability (check), rejection of the child (check). Pushing your son on to you when you get home, when the child this young demands her attention, equals a rejection. Your son probably experience several micro-rejections from his mother in a day. All this can be caused by the mother's mental illness, depression, lack of love from parents while growing up.

I would add to this that your bond with your wife is also broken and she doesn't sound like she's interested in making things better. She's gonna try? Her marriage is in danger and she's gonna try? I am sorry but this is just an excuse. She wants a free pass, to live at your expense while she gets other men to push the vibrator's button. 

I would give her an ultimatum. She goes to the doctor and phycologist to check if this is a  post partum depression. This is it, she gets off the pot or you're gone and you will ask 50% custody. I am ready to bet she would have no problem giving you the main custody of your son. 

 

Edited 14 hours ago by Gaeta

[2ndTryHusband]

I really resonate with your response. The longer this goes on, the more I’m feeling this is the only option. I just don’t know how to go about doing it. It feels like a delicate situation if I want to fix this marriage, but I don’t even know if she wants to. I could just straight up say it, and risk ending everything. I guess it all depends on how likely I think it can be repaired.

[Leihla_B]

On 10/25/2024 at 6:08 PM, 2ndTryHusband said:

I will say that the way I betrayed her trust was nothing in the same general category of that, but quite damaging to her trust as well.

... From the sex viewpoint, she doesn’t feel comfortable being with me in that sense because of my betrayal of trust. She says she just needs time, but I wonder if I did irreparable damage.

What, exactly, did you do that she views as a betrayal?

[2ndTryHusband]

9 minutes ago, Leihla_B said:

What, exactly, did you do that she views as a betrayal?

There were two things over the course of three instances. They all occurred after she got the first toy. And I want to preface this with understanding that the timing isn’t to justify my actions, as I know it was wrong and feel really guilty about it. I also do not think I should get a pass on the things I did. They were wrong, and invasions of privacy and more, and I should not have done them.

Backstory, she is a very light sleeper, and I’m a pretty heavy sleeper. We have two dogs, one of which requires to be on the bed under covers, and he is 50lbs. So, for a little while now, she has been sleeping on the couch, while I stay in the bedroom with the dogs so she can actually get sleep due to my snoring and the needy dog. I don’t think this has to do with our relational issues, but won’t count it out saying there is no way.

Anyways, when she got the toy, I overheard her playing one time, and felt left out/I don’t know, but we have a number of indoor cameras around the house, and I peeped in on her through one of the cameras to see if she was playing. She saw that I did so and asked me about it. I was honest about it, and owned up to it, originally thinking she was being playful. It kind of seemed like that at first. I did this the following night too, and again she noticed and asked me about it again, and again, I was honest and open about it, but this time she clearly said that it made her uncomfortable and that she didn’t like it. That she felt almost violated. So I apologized, and have not done that since.

The third incident occurred maybe a week after the camera events. She sometimes takes sleeping pills to help her sleep, and I know this and I know how it affects her. One night when I was going to bed, I knew she had taken her sleeping pill, and when I went to say good night, I groped her. In my mind I was testing to see if she was interested in sex, but she said “no, not tonight”, so I instantly stopped and went to bed. I feel really bad about that one, and I think that one is the one she is most messed up about, though I know the camera events don’t help.

I really don’t think I’m that kind of guy, and it really is against my beliefs, but I was worried about losing her, and thought that sex (or lack there of) was the problem.

so that is why she feels I betrayed her trust. I’ve apologized profusely, and have not made any passes at her since.

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, 2ndTryHusband said:

when I went to say good night, I groped her. In my mind I was testing to see if she was interested in sex, but she said “no, not tonight”, so I instantly stopped and went to bed.

This so different than what married people do to each other every single day how? Because in my house, there is a lot of touching. It’s playful. It something leads to other things. And sometimes, it’s just fun. I’m not sure why she would be offended or why you would be so self critical. 
 

3 hours ago, 2ndTryHusband said:

I could just straight up say it, and risk ending everything.

I will be very blunt - I what would you really be losing? Your wife is having virtual sex with strangers and she is refusing to have sex with you. She is hiding in the bathroom for two hours every night while you are caring for your child. I applaud you for showing up, you sound like a good person, a well intended husband. I don’t think your wife is as invested in this marriage as you are… I too would have an open and honest discussion with her. Personally, I don’t think you have much to lose at this point…

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, 2ndTryHusband said:

I groped her. In my mind I was testing to see if she was interested in sex, but she said “no, not tonight”, so I instantly stopped

You touched your wife, she said no,  you stopped. I don't understand what is bad about that.  Normal couples touch, tease, play.  The important part is if your partner says 'no' you stop. 

How long have you dated before marrying?  You've been married 2 years with a 1 year old baby. That means she got pregnant right away. 

[2ndTryHusband]

We dated for 2 years before I proposed. I took my time because I didn’t want to rush into it because of how quickly I rushed into my first marriage and how badly that ended.

[Gebidozo]

38 minutes ago, 2ndTryHusband said:

We dated for 2 years before I proposed. I took my time because I didn’t want to rush into it because of how quickly I rushed into my first marriage and how badly that ended.

Apparently, sometimes 2 years isn’t enough. Did you live together before you got married?

She is doing something that many people would view as outright cheating (having virtual sex with strangers). You’ve done nothing wrong and for some reason are blaming yourself for something completely normal (groping your wife and letting go when she didn’t like it).

It almost looks like she is emotionally abusing you.

I’ll just say bluntly that, if she refuses to do therapy and starts changing now and for real, divorcing her might not be such a bad thing. 

[2ndTryHusband]

Yes, we did live together for nearly a year before I proposed.

[Leihla_B]

I agree with the good folks above. I don't see where all this shame comes from, unless your wife is manipulating you into it. She was well aware of your camera placement, she didn't object to it until she did, in which case you stopped, and you respected her request to stop the physical touch, which, between a married couple, sounds natural to me.

I'm sorry that your wife is using shame to suppress your objections to her disloyal behavior, and I think you're being sold a bill of bunk. I hope you'll step up for yourself and seek some legal advice so you can operate on real information rather than emotions alone. This doesn't mean you'd need to take steps toward legal action, but it would serve as an education about your rights in your location, along with options you can consider and the best steps to take for self-protection.

Post-partum depression is a common condition, but a resistance to getting treatment if that were the case doesn't sound plausible or reasonable to me.

Write more if it helps. We're on your side.