He left me for his wife, has not contacted me, what might he be thinking just a few days out?

[Scott1087]

Ok, I have had a physical and emotional affair with a co worker for a year. He told me over and over how much he had a crush on me for years before admitting it. He was in love. A love he never knew existed. Never felt that way with his wife. Said he got married to her because he thought that’s the best “love” could feel. Fast forward a year later, they have now had their first baby. She pulled phone records, we were caught. I admitted to the affair while he said essentially I was crazy, stalking him and that’s why he continued at the job and having an affair with me. Threw me under the bus and made our affair appear as a joke. He said a few months ago they talked about an amicable divorce, they both agreed they were no longer in love. Thad was simply not true. It was all a lie. I don’t know then if he ever had true feelings for me a year later. I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks. The wife doesn’t know that. When she found out she threatened his child, said he would never see her again. She wanted a divorce.  He ran back. Blocked me on everything. Has not contacted me over the past few days. How is he feeling at home? Does he really want her? How did he so easily toss me aside? We talked future life, plans, baby’s, vacations, marriage. Surely that wasn’t all a lie. I’m struggling. Hurt. Sick. 

[BaileyB]

I’m starting my reply with a blunt statement, prepare yourself. He didn’t leave you for his wife as your title suggests. She is his wife. He was always obligated to her, despite what he may have told you. 

The discovery of this affair has met a very predictable end. Predictable, except to you. 
 

33 minutes ago, Scott1087 said:

I admitted to the affair while he said essentially I was crazy, stalking him and that’s why he continued at the job and having an affair with me. Threw me under the bus and made our affair appear as a joke.

Sadly predictable. When discovered, many married men run home with their tail between their legs… and in so doing, they often throw their affair partner under the bus. 

My question to you would be, with this new information - why would you want this man? What does that tell you in terms of how much he values you? Does this demonstrate respect or concern for you in any way? Why would you ever chose to be with a man who has done this? 
 

33 minutes ago, Scott1087 said:

When she found out she threatened his child, said he would never see her again. She wanted a divorce.  He ran back.

It’s not the wife who has done this, it was your MM. Be careful about anything he may have told you - what do we know about this MM? He lies. He’s lied to her, and you, for the past year. While she has the ability to make his life miserable, she can not deny him shared custody of his child. He went back because he decided that it was in his best interest to do so. Full stop. Try not to create a story in your head that his return to the family was coerced or not his decision - it is entirely his decision. 

 

33 minutes ago, Scott1087 said:

How is he feeling at home? Does he really want her?

This kind of questioning is torturous and irrelevant. Only he knows how he is feeling. You would be better served to focus on yourself right now. Find yourself a counsellor, if you can. Time to start looking forward, not backward. 

 

Edited October 26 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

Sadly we've heard this exact story over and over again from women who involved themselves with married men.  They want you until their wife finds out and threatens to end the marriage, then they run home tail tucked and begging for another chance.  Of course they blame it on the woman who wouldn't leave them alone.  I'm sure you've learned a very hard lesson here to never involve yourself with a man who is married, no matter what he tells you.  You ask what is he thinking, probably how lucky he is to have gotten away with cheating and to have his family back.

[Scott1087]

Blunt is ok. Needs to be heard. I’m in the few days after chaos. So I’m grasping. I know. He was never mine. I fell for the sweet words and ignored my common sense. Nobody to blame for my heartache but myself. 

[BaileyB]

I should add, it’s possible that he will contact you to gage your interest in restarting the affair when the dust settles and he feels more secure at home. It does happen, and you should be prepared. 

I would advise you not to accept him back under the illusion that he has returned because he has discovered that he loves you and can not live without you. He has already shown you that is not true. He has also shown you that he is not to be trusted. Despite whatever he may say, to leave his wife after he has chosen to return to his marriage and ended the affair would be the least likely course of action.

Whether he returns or not will depend on how much he values and is motivated to keep his marriage. His decision to return to the affair will demonstrate his intention to pursue his own self interest - regardless of who is hurt. Pay attention to that. Unfortunately for you, whether he returns to continue the affair will not depend on his feelings for you - he has already shown you that. 

I’m very sorry that this has happened. You trusted unwisely and you have been hurt. I hope you have support and distraction - friends and family. Your broken heart will heal, they always do with time. You would be wise to seek counselling - to support you in dealing with the betrayal of your trust and to understand where you went wrong with your decision making… This kind of healing and growth will take longer than healing your broken heart. But, it’s really important to do. 

Best wishes. 

Edited October 26 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

39 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Of course they blame it on the woman who wouldn't leave them alone. 

If he was a man of integrity, he would have dealt with whatever problems may exist in his marriage in a way that was respectful to his wife. Instead, he made the decision to engage in a secret relationship that was deceitful and hurtful to his wife, his child, and his affair partner.  

To expect that he’s not going to blame the other woman for leading him astray is not in keeping with what we know about his character, the manner in which he deals with conflict and takes accountability for his actions. He has demonstrated all these things in his decision to have an affair. And now, he has demonstrated it again in his decision to throw his affair partner under the bus - rather than take responsibility for his own decisions, to treat both women with the respect they deserve, and to deal with the consequences of his decisions. 

Edited October 26 by BaileyB

[Leihla_B]

I'd take the valuable lesson to never--ever--believe one word from a married man who wants to mess with you. That's a giant neon sign with a skull and crossbones blaring his capacity for disloyalty and deception. If you refuse to recognize it as such, that's on you.

[Scott1087]

I deserve that. I got caught up. I’m human. Everyone wants to feel love. I ignored red flags and hoped I was different. It ended how I feared. I’m ok with blunt and honest. That’s why I’m here. Feeling pretty dumb I expected anything more from this. He was a friend for far longer than the affair. So yes, it hurts on different levels. 

[Leihla_B]

1 hour ago, Scott1087 said:

I deserve that. I got caught up. I’m human. Everyone wants to feel love.

Saying, "it's on you" isn't to knock you, it's a prompt to decide what you'll do with this now--whether you'll make the best possible use of this experience. Nobody is saintly, we don't learn everything from gossip or lectures or rules as we grow. Learning is experiential. So we get to decide whether we'll take the right pearls from our mistakes, or whether we'll further damage ourselves by taking the wrong ones. For example, you write...

Quote

I ignored red flags and hoped I was different.

You hoped 'I' was different, from whom? His wife? Every other person who makes this mistake?

That's not a useful take-away. Even the 'best,' most sexy, and most seductive person can't transform a deceiver into an honorable person. This was never about your value; it was about your willingness to insert yourself into someone else's marriage. It doesn't matter what a married person 'says' about the status of their relationship with their spouse; if there's no finalized divorce decree and separate residences, that person has no business attempting to involve anyone else in their unfinished business.

The lesson isn't about YOUR capacity to lure someone away from their spouse, it's about recognizing what you'd 'win' as an outcome--someone you can never trust.

Quote

It ended how I feared. I’m ok with blunt and honest. That’s why I’m here. Feeling pretty dumb I expected anything more from this. He was a friend for far longer than the affair. So yes, it hurts on different levels. 

Friends on the job are transactional unless and until you both have invested in goodwill and earning one another's trust over time. Confiding troubles of a marriage doesn't make him trustworthy, it makes him suspect. That's private stuff that's not only inappropriate to bring to a colleague, it's disloyal to his spouse. So what does this teach you?

Head high, you'll get through this.

Edited October 26 by Leihla_B

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Scott1087 said:

He was a friend for far longer than the affair.

As it turns out, he wasn’t a very good friend after all…

As Leihla says, a married coworker who shows interest in developing a close and intimate friendship is very suspect. Male and female coworkers can most definitely be friendly - if they maintain an appropriate boundary. But, it is a slippery slope, as you discovered… The green light for you was likely the moment that he disclosed that he was unhappily married. That should have been a HUGE red flag, but for most women who are invested in a relationship with a married man it feels like validation. Men do this purposefully - he is essentially grooming you because if he told you he was happily married, there would be no reason for you to invest in the relationship. Most women generally won’t agree to get involved with a man who says that he loves his wife and he is never going to leave his marriage.

You wanted to be believe his words - who doesn’t want to be told that they are special, that they are loved. He played upon your insecurities and your hope and that is a despicable thing to do. However, better judgment would indicate that a married man pursuing his coworker is not to be trusted… When one listens only to their heart and not their head, more often then not they end up with a broken heart…

Edited October 26 by BaileyB

[MsJayne]

Your guy's a coward, a traitor, a liar, and a creep. You've lost nothing but a piece of garbage you mistook for something valuable. When this garbage contacts you again, which he likely will when things have calmed down, I hope you have the good sense to explain to him what a low-life he is and then block him. And then avoid married men like the pox.  

[Passionfruit500]

8 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Your guy's a coward, a traitor, a liar, and a creep. You've lost nothing but a piece of garbage you mistook for something valuable. When this garbage contacts you again, which he likely will when things have calmed down, I hope you have the good sense to explain to him what a low-life he is and then block him. And then avoid married men like the pox.  

Also been there..
Quite similar situation like yours Scott, I am in the shock phase now.
I learnt just few weeks ago that MM 'had gone back' to his wife, rebuilt the dead-marriage, somehow..miraculously.
Coward, traitor, liar and creep are valid descriptions of him. I feel anger, sadness and shame... (the order varies hour by hour)
6 years wasted time, so with 1 year Scott you are lucky. However, I am sure he will get in touch with you, in 1 yr the affair hasn't run its course. I wish you strength not to cling on hope...

[Scott1087]

1 hour ago, Passionfruit500 said:

Also been there..
Quite similar situation like yours Scott, I am in the shock phase now.
I learnt just few weeks ago that MM 'had gone back' to his wife, rebuilt the dead-marriage, somehow..miraculously.
Coward, traitor, liar and creep are valid descriptions of him. I feel anger, sadness and shame... (the order varies hour by hour)
6 years wasted time, so with 1 year Scott you are lucky. However, I am sure he will get in touch with you, in 1 yr the affair hasn't run its course. I wish you strength not to cling on hope...

I work with him and unfortunately have to see him in a few days after going a week no contact and after the affair was discovered. The anxiety and pit in my stomach to even have to see the man again. I do not plan to ever contact or reply to him. I guess at the beginning you ask yourself why…but I guess it doesn’t matter. I just need to pick myself up, move on, never look back and never fall into this again. I’m hoping he follows through with leaving the job…his wife is pushing for that as well. Although initially she said she was divorcing him, however that appears to not be the case now. 

[Passionfruit500]

Not sure how I could DM to you.

I feel for you about your anxiety to see him. Changing jobs takes some time, so it will be quite a lot of tough time for you until then.. but definitely that would accelerate the healing process, if you didn't work at the same place.

[S2B]

9 hours ago, Scott1087 said:

I work with him and unfortunately have to see him in a few days after going a week no contact and after the affair was discovered. The anxiety and pit in my stomach to even have to see the man again. I do not plan to ever contact or reply to him. I guess at the beginning you ask yourself why…but I guess it doesn’t matter. I just need to pick myself up, move on, never look back and never fall into this again. I’m hoping he follows through with leaving the job…his wife is pushing for that as well. Although initially she said she was divorcing him, however that appears to not be the case now. 

It hurts. But it hurts even more that he works with you.

dont ask yourself why… you know why - there were many reasons.

ask yourself HOW! HOW can i make this different now? Take charge of your future. Get a new job. Go on dates with available men. Consider moving to a new and exciting area. Make sure every decision you make is only in YOUR best interest for a good future!

Edited October 27 by S2B

[Liztaylor101]

Similar situation. Men will always pick the wife. I believe men are more afraid to lose than females are. Woman wouldn’t happily walk out of one life and not feel half as  afraid as a man would. To continue having sex with you and risking his marriage means something, not necessarily love but you meant something for sure. Unfortunately you are more of a fantasy, and his real obligations, dedications and reality lie with his wife and children. I do believe; more men would leave if they didn’t have children involved. Men have more to lose, they lose the house, the wife that was dedicated to them, they don’t want to see her with someone else, and he doesn’t want a relationship with you just to watch you go behind his back. He doesn’t wanna see another man move into his house, and spend time with his kids whilst he just sees them a few hours on a weekend. Unfortunately you was entertainment at the time, it doesn’t mean it was meaningless, and if life was different, you would have been the wife with the kids and the house. The best thing you can do it appreciate the time you shared together, and let go. 

[Scott1087]

Update: the wife is filing for divorce. He said he would agree to her terms if he left me/work out of it. He put in his notice at our job, which requires 90 days. He has been cold to me. Definitely does not want me. Says he needs “help” and “to figure out his life.” Says he doesn’t blame me, but definitely blames me. States his family has all turned their back on him. He has been staying in a hotel. His wife plans to move their child to a different state and he said he would agree to her terms and this leaves him only a few days a month with his child. He says he feels like a failure. He is in a dark place. I’m upset. Hurt. I do feel tossed away. I know in the big picture my feelings absolutely aren’t his concern. And boy, i definitely feel that. Like I don’t recognize who he is. I blocked him on everything now. His wife blocked my number on his cell plan. I have to see him at work tomorrow and I might literally die. 

[BaileyB]

Well, his wife has clearly decided that she is not going to put up with the disloyalty, dishonesty, and disrespect - good for her. 

If his family has turned their back - that is for many, the consequence of an affair. He will lose friendships and his family will take time to accept and deal with this disappointment/betrayal. 

I’m a little concerned that he is quitting his job at this point, to be very honest. If his wife has left him, he will need steady employment. From a financial and mental health perspective, he needs to be working. For obvious reasons, it is definitely best for you if he leaves his job - 

I know it’s hard, but it for the best. If he comes looking for comfort, I would caution you very strongly against that. As he says, he needs to figure himself out right now and get his life together. He is not a safe partner for you - don’t ever forget that. 

 

Edited October 29 by BaileyB

[Scott1087]

19 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Well, his wife has clearly decided that she is not going to put up with the disloyalty, dishonesty, and disrespect - good for her. 

If his family has turned their back - that is for many, the consequence of an affair. He will lose friendships and his family will take time to accept and deal with this disappointment/betrayal. 

I’m a little concerned that he is quitting his job at this point, to be very honest. If his wife has left him, he will need steady employment. From a financial and mental health perspective, he needs to be working. For obvious reasons, it is definitely best for you if he leaves his job - 

I know it’s hard, but it for the best. If he comes looking for comfort, I would caution you very strongly against that. As he says, he needs to figure himself out right now and get his life together. He is not a safe partner for you - don’t ever forget that. 

 

He has other jobs. In our field a lot of us do so this is not a huge loss for him. 

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, Scott1087 said:

Update: the wife is filing for divorce. He said he would agree to her terms if he left me/work out of it. He put in his notice at our job, which requires 90 days. He has been cold to me. Definitely does not want me. Says he needs “help” and “to figure out his life.” Says he doesn’t blame me, but definitely blames me. States his family has all turned their back on him. He has been staying in a hotel. His wife plans to move their child to a different state and he said he would agree to her terms and this leaves him only a few days a month with his child. He says he feels like a failure. He is in a dark place. I’m upset. Hurt. I do feel tossed away. I know in the big picture my feelings absolutely aren’t his concern. And boy, i definitely feel that. Like I don’t recognize who he is. I blocked him on everything now. His wife blocked my number on his cell plan. I have to see him at work tomorrow and I might literally die. 

He is probably quitting that job as a last ditch effort to show his wife that he wants to be as far away from you as possible in hopes that she will reconcile.  His actions are totally normal for a  married man caught in an affair.  He is willing to do anything possible to get her and his family back.  You are correct that he doesn't want you.  Most cheating MM who are forced to end their marriage due to an affair do not end up with the woman they had the affair with.  They don't want to look at or be with the person who was the cause of a very painful period in their life nor do they want to be reminded of their bad behavior that led to their divorce.  They end up with a brand new woman who will be more accepted by their children, family and friends who had nothing to do with what caused him to end up single.  Did he contact you and tell you his wife was filing for divorce?

[spiritedaway2003]

I've been there (minus the miscarriage).  Where you are at is not a great place to be, mentally and emotionally.  Dealing with DDay, wondering where he's at, healing from a miscarriage.  There is a lot of confusion, anxiety, shame, guilt, and loss involved.

My advice: Let the dust settle first.   Get yourself some counseling to work through all that you're dealing with.

His relationship with wife with all its history must unravel on its own, without you in the picture.  Just because there is a DDay doesn't mean there is an instant decision.  He isn't  lying when he says he need time or space to sort it out.  It's not that didn't care for you, but his core life as he knows it had just blown up.  I'd argue that if he just left and be with you in the middle of all the chaos, that would give me more pause.

Time will reveal all things.  I do question his decision to leave his job when he still need to support himself (especially since he is divorcing) and his family.  Objectively, his leaving his job has nothing to do with his feelings for you.  FWIW, I left my job as well and my feelings was my MM was at its peak.   You're in the early days of DDay.  Find yourself outside some support system (not here) to help you get back on your feet.    For your own sake, assume the relationship is over. You might even worried that he doesn't have support - he probably doesn't, given that he's just blown up his life.  But that's his issue to own now, not yours.

The unraveling for all involved parties will take time and it doesn't mean he didn't care about you.  You are hurt because in an affair situation, someone will always get hurt.  Whether he comes back or not is not important right now.  In the long run,  I'd agree that it would be easier if he start over, but that's his choice.  If he's made his, then respect it.  If you've made yours, then stick to it.  Either way, get yourself to a good emotional/mental health place first and let the dust settles.  Relationships take time to unravel for better or for worse, and both of you need space to sort things out. 

Be kind to yourself too.

[S2B]

If it is him telling these updates - you can’t trust any of it is real.

if you want the real story - inquire with his wife.

[Leihla_B]

20 hours ago, spiritedaway2003 said:

Get yourself some counseling to work through all that you're dealing with.

Good suggestion. Check whether your employer offers an EAP, Employee Assistance Program, which would offer you 3 or more confidential sessions with a counselor outside the workplace. You could choose one from their list that is also on your insurance list in case you want to continue working with that provider after your free sessions.

While your interest in the fallout around this man is natural, I'd keep reminding myself that he's not to be believed. He harmed you, along with everyone else who trusted him, and the sooner you can redirect your focus away from him, the better and faster you will heal and bounce back to feeling like your Self again.

Your whole future awaits, and it's time to trust that and fly on instruments until you can start to see it.

[Passionfruit500]

How are you getting in Scott?

 

[S2B]

Married men in affairs do nothing but lie!

lie to the wife - lie to the OW.

be grateful you can get away from such a huge liar!

he will use the next gal. Just don’t continue with him any more.

stay busy doing some things that make you happy.