He left me for his wife, has not contacted me, what might he be thinking just a few days out?

[Scott1087]

It has been probably the worst few weeks of my life. Logically I know what I need to do and feel, but my heart feels a different way, I’m human. We have spoke, cried, got the closure I guess I will get. I don’t believe a thing he says, but states he is at a hotel unless his wife leaves the house, he goes home and gets to see his child. States she is filing for divorce but is “tracking” his phone. I have been blocked by her he says. He also says she named me in the divorce agreement as he is not allowed to have contact with me. He has put in his notice at the job we share together. We have had a few shifts together, it’s hard, but we are both professional. I’ve definitely gone through all the stages of grief. 

[BaileyB]

24 minutes ago, Scott1087 said:

He also says she named me in the divorce agreement as he is not allowed to have contact with me.

I really hope you don’t believe this…

The purpose of a divorce settlement is to formalize an agreement between two spouses related to child custody, child support, alimony or spousal support, and the division of property. It cannot be used to control one’s spouse or prohibit contact with anyone. For goodness sake, if they actually divorce he will be a single man again - free to date, be in a relationship, or speak with whomever he chooses to contact… whether she likes it, or not.

When divorce results from infidelity, a woman is not even able to control whether the child’s other parent/former spouse is able to introduce the child to the affair partner (assuming the former spouse is in a relationship). Child custody agreements prioritize the best interests of the child. Infidelity alone is not usually the sole determining factor in these decisions. However, if the adulterous behaviour directly affects the child's well-being or the unfaithful spouse's ability to parent, it may be taken into consideration. The court's primary focus remains on ensuring a stable and healthy environment for the child. Unless there is more that you have not shared, she will not be able to argue that he is not fit to share custody and co-parent their child. Unfaithful people share custody of their children when they divorce. 

Glad that you are keeping it professional. Best wishes as you continue to move forward - 

Edited Tuesday at 02:08 AM by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, Scott1087 said:

He also says she named me in the divorce agreement as he is not allowed to have contact with me

Good lord, please tell us you actually believe this. That's not what divorce agreements are for, nor would that be included in one. He's full of horse dung there. 

This man lies. He lies to you, and he lies to his wife. It's time you wake up and smell the coffee, girl. He's been playing you for a fool. 

 

 

[stillafool]

15 hours ago, Scott1087 said:

I’ve definitely gone through all the stages of grief

Then you should be strong enough at this point to go NC.

[Liztaylor101]

I’m in a similar situation, except he left me when his wife hasnt found out about us. I think that’s more of a blow 🙈 I too was pregnant. 

[Scott1087]

Oh mine immediately left too. Blocked me. I just have to see him at work that’s the only way we’ve talked. 

[Liztaylor101]

5 minutes ago, Scott1087 said:

Oh mine immediately left too. Blocked me. I just have to see him at work that’s the only way we’ve talked. 

I only got to see him at an activity session thing both our children attend, but I’ve since changed the day and avoided seeing him face to face. I thought this would be easier for both of us, seen as we wasn’t talking anyway. But since I’ve changed it he’s noticed and reached out to meet a few times but I have no real idea of his intentions. Out of everything I’ve been through in life this is definitely the toughest, I feel deeply hurt by his actions and words, and feel like my nervous system is in turmoil. I’ve never experienced such deep rooted pain in all my life so my heart goes out to you. 

[Scott1087]

I feel exactly that way. But also feel I’m not the victim so I don’t deserve to feel this way. So I try to hide it and let him move on however that looks. 

[Liztaylor101]

10 minutes ago, Scott1087 said:

I feel exactly that way. But also feel I’m not the victim so I don’t deserve to feel this way. So I try to hide it and let him move on however that looks. 

100%. He ended things and although it broke my heart I couldn’t say him choosing his family over me was wrong. I have walked away and haven’t kicked up a fuss, I’ve left him be and haven’t even messaged him. He’s reached out to me a few times and I’ve remained civil and brief, I haven’t turned toxic and threaten to tell his wife anything, I’m hurt but I still care about him, and he’s happy which gives me some happiness. Fortunately, we wasn’t discovered and we avoided the sour “he blames me, I blame him” situation which 100% would have happened and we parted on reasonable terms. It’s a struggle, and I feel I’ve plummeted into a deep depression, something I haven’t ever felt before, I’m usually a happy content person,  but I’ve been everything but that since. I cry daily, any given moment I get alone I burst out crying and when at work or with people I’m just holding in a cry, I feel my mouth gittering and a lump in my throat. I guess time and minimal to no contact is the only healer. 

Edited Tuesday at 06:22 PM by Liztaylor101

[Liztaylor101]

On the day he ended things with me, he shared a story of the music video “Eminem - river” and I know he put that up for me, he never puts up music ect, and the story of the song was literally us, even down to the fact we always refer to the baby as a girl. It tells the story of the male having a bit of fun and it escalating and her ending up pregnant, him encouraging her to terminate and then ends things. It has so many similarities to us even down to the fact my husband is a serial cheater who claims to have a sex addiction. I listen to the song often now and it puts me better in his headspace. 

Edited Tuesday at 08:18 PM by Liztaylor101

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Liztaylor101 said:

It tells the story of the male having a bit of fun and it escalating and her ending up pregnant, him encouraging her to terminate and then ends things. It has so many similarities to us

With all due respect, you are romanticizing something that is actually quite disturbing - both, the affair, and the fact that you became pregnant and terminated the baby. 

Maybe time will offer a different perspective, at this point you are still firmly entrenched in your own thinking and rationalizations…

 

Edited Tuesday at 09:22 PM by BaileyB

[Georgia46]

3 hours ago, Liztaylor101 said:

On the day he ended things with me, he shared a story of the music video “Eminem - river” and I know he put that up for me, he never puts up music ect, and the story of the song was literally us, even down to the fact we always refer to the baby as a girl. It tells the story of the male having a bit of fun and it escalating and her ending up pregnant, him encouraging her to terminate and then ends things. It has so many similarities to us even down to the fact my husband is a serial cheater who claims to have a sex addiction. I listen to the song often now and it puts me better in his headspace. 

My heart goes out to you.. I can tell you feel broken from your posts.  
 

 But he encouraged you to terminate and then ended the relationship?

you can’t see it yet but you dodged a bullet.  

[Liztaylor101]

9 hours ago, BaileyB said:

With all due respect, you are romanticizing something that is actually quite disturbing - both, the affair, and the fact that you became pregnant and terminated the baby. 

Maybe time will offer a different perspective, at this point you are still firmly entrenched in your own thinking and rationalizations…

 

That is really not a romantic song lol, if I could have picked a song for him to relate to us it wouldn’t be that. 
 

that said, the affair was romantic, for a number of years, it was almost like a whole other relationship off the back of our main ones. I would even say we was romantic in ways we wasn’t with our partners at the time. Though somethings changed and for what ever reason now he’s putting effort into his marriage, and cast me aside to save his family. It was the right thing to do and I wish him the best. 

[BaileyB]

I think you’ve missed my point. I’m saying, that you are romanticizing a man and a relationship that was not a healthy relationship. I’m sure it felt romantic to you at the time… but when you step back, this man is betraying the trust of his wife, he got you pregnant, asked you to terminate the pregnancy, and then left you. That’s not a man who treats women with care, respect, or dignity. I’m sure that you will disagree, but if a man got me pregnant, asked me to terminate the pregnancy, and then left me - I would consider that behavior emotionally abusive. (Given, you were a willing participant and you share responsibility for the decision to engage in the affair and terminate the pregnancy). And yet, you pine for him - you would have continued in the relationship had he not ended it, you are listening to sad songs because they make you feel closer to him/you like the thought that he was missing you when he posted the song, and reminiscing about the “romantic” affair you shared. That kind of thinking is messed up - but you haven’t gotten there yet. You are still trying to enjoy the fantasy. 

Edited 14 hours ago by BaileyB

[Liztaylor101]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

I think you’ve missed my point. I’m saying, that you are romanticizing a man and a relationship that was not a healthy relationship. I’m sure it felt romantic to you at the time… but when you step back, this man is betraying the trust of his wife, he got you pregnant, asked you to terminate the pregnancy, and then left you. That’s not a man who treats women with care, respect, or dignity. I’m sure that you will disagree, but if a man got me pregnant, asked me to terminate the pregnancy, and then left me - I would consider that behavior emotionally abusive. (Given, you were a willing participant and you share responsibility for the decision to engage in the affair and terminate the pregnancy). And yet, you pine for him - you would have continued in the relationship had he not ended it, you are listening to sad songs because they make you feel closer to him/you like the thought that he was missing you when he posted the song, and reminiscing about the “romantic” affair you shared. That kind of thinking is messed up - but you haven’t gotten there yet. You are still trying to enjoy the fantasy. 

It definitely wasn’t a healthy relationship, but then neither is my marriage, at times the relationship within the affair felt more right and healthy. 
 

yes I ended up pregnant; it wasn’t quite like the song I referenced; he didn’t encourage me to get an abortion and said the decision was mine. I felt no other option was suitable and I had a termination, we continued as we always had for a year and a half after the pregnancy, he has now ended things but it wasn’t because of the pregnancy. 
 

he has a lot of flaws, just like anyone, and I’m not blinded by the affair, but I’m also not his wife. His commitment and loyalty will always be with her and that’s something I always u understood, had I not the relationship wouldn’t have went on for 9 years. 
 

so I do very much gather your point, but feel it has no relevance as I’m not pining after a man who’s hurt me. I’ve let him go, he’s free to go and do as I please. I was never going to be a threat to him, and I’m pleased he knows he can end things without having the worry of me turning insane and trying to ruin both our lives. 

 

[BaileyB]

19 minutes ago, Liztaylor101 said:

His commitment and loyalty will always be with her

I would suggest that his commitment and loyalty is not actually with his wife - if it was, he would not have had a long term affair and got his affair partner pregnant. But, I appreciate that you say this because he has chosen to stay in his marriage. 

I wish you well Liz on your path to finding a happier, healthier future for yourself and your children. Best wishes. 

Edited 12 hours ago by BaileyB

[Liztaylor101]

2 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I would suggest that his commitment and loyalty is not actually with his wife - if it was, he would not have had a long term affair and got his affair partner pregnant. But, I appreciate that this is what you tell yourself because he has chosen to stay in his marriage. 

I wish you well Liz on your path to finding a happier, healthier future for yourself and your children. Best wishes. 

I’m sure his wife wouldn’t see it that way, but he’s always shown commitment and loyalty for her to me. I see it as he’s chose her before it’s too late, yes we had an affair, and no we wasn’t caught, but affairs are always caught in the end and I suppose he felt like our time was nearly up. I hope he just appreciates the times we shared becus there was a lot of laughs, and a lot of smiles, and more than anything we was best friends. 

so I’m not pining after a man who’s hurt me. Im happy for it to be over, yes it hurts, 10 years is a long time by anyone’s standards, but it also hurt being in it. We are both free from it now, and whilst adjusting to life without him is no doubt difficult it doesn’t mean I’m wanting to revert to our old ways, more so that I’ve done so much crying and hurting that it can’t be for nothing, and I can’t let him back just to one day go through this again. 
 

thank you for your well wishes, I’m sure life will turn out just perfect, and everything is a learning curves, good or bad. 

[Scott1087]

I feel for you. Knowing someone or something isn’t right for you does not make it hurt less. I think the daily contact and what I thought was a friendship has been the hardest for me. He is leaving our job and I will likely never see him again. Everyday I’m getting better. Then I see him at work and it is torture. For both of us. We didn’t end on our terms. I know this sounds horrendous. I’ve been prioritizing myself. My health. My happiness. I’m sad, but the anxiety. The stress. It’s gone. I can actually eat again. Enjoy things I didn’t while I was in that toxic head space. I feel so much for you. It’s hard to express how you feel when you know you shouldn’t feel that way. Hard to turn to anyone and confide because you’re not the victim. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Scott1087 said:

It’s hard to express how you feel when you know you shouldn’t feel that way. Hard to turn to anyone and confide because you’re not the victim.

I hear what you are saying, but empathy can still exist.

You may have made poor decisions, and now unfortunately, you are suffering the consequences of those decisions (as we all do, when we make poor decisions). But, one can still feel empathy for the grief that you are feeling at the end of this relationship. You just can’t get stuck there, you must feel it and heal it - and part of that process is doing an honest assessment to understand what got you to this place… so that hopefully, you won’t make the same mistakes again in the future. 

Hugs to you both. Keep looking forward. 

Edited 11 hours ago by BaileyB