curlygurl90 Posted October 28 Share Posted October 28 I just found out my husband still communicates with his ex's daughter who he has apparently known since she was 9 (she is now 17). I find that super weird because he doesn't maintain a relationship with his ex (she has moved on). We have been together for 4 years and have a daughter. Is this inappropriate or am I just overreacting? Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 28 Share Posted October 28 What do they talk about? Do they get together? how did you find out and what did he say about communicating with her? most importantly, why did he keep it a secret? Link to post Share on other sites
Author curlygurl90 Posted October 28 Author Share Posted October 28 Well I sent him a recipe via WhatsApp and he said he didn't get it. He opened up the last link I sent and the link was his Instagram where it went to his last view....her page showed up so I asked him if they were still talking and he said occasionally. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 28 Share Posted October 28 (edited) I don't see anything wrong with that. Are you the jealous type? Maybe that's why he has not mentioned anything. My first question would be, does the mom know? I imagine she did not have an Instagram at 9 years old so when did he get back in touch with her? It's hard to let go of the kids we had in our lives. It has nothing to do with the mother/father we were in a relationship with. It pleases our heart to see them grown and doing well. Edited October 28 by Gaeta 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted October 29 Share Posted October 29 If he was an important figure in her life when she was a youngster, I think it would be weird if he did NOT maintain contact with her. Just because the parents broke up doesn't mean that the kid has to be excommunicated from contact with a person who she may have considered a father figure. Maybe he was literally her stepfather. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 29 Share Posted October 29 If she is his ex's daughter and he's known her since she was 9 he more than likely feels fatherly towards her and still wants to be there for her in some way. She probably feels the same way about him. I don't see a problem with it. He's not talking to his ex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author curlygurl90 Posted October 30 Author Share Posted October 30 Hmm I don't agree with any of the advice given. He has a new family and we now have an infant that should be his focus! He should be busy fathering her. The last I heard his ex was married and her daughter already has a father she is in good terms with and she gets along with the new stepfather. There really is no reason for him to be in her life. People come in our lives for a season and reason and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 30 Share Posted October 30 3 minutes ago, curlygurl90 said: He has a new family and we now have an infant that should be his focus! He should be busy fathering her. It was my understanding that he was talking to his exes daughter occasionally. You and your daughter should always be his primary concern -this should go without saying. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 30 Share Posted October 30 (edited) 2 hours ago, curlygurl90 said: He has a new family and we now have an infant that should be his focus! He should be busy fathering her. Is he not busy fathering your child? If the contact is occasional, why do you have such a strong reaction? Is this taking away in some way from your family life or his ability to be present and parent your child? Edited October 30 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Leihla_B Posted October 30 Share Posted October 30 4 hours ago, curlygurl90 said: There really is no reason for him to be in her life. People come in our lives for a season and reason and move on. Your lack of generosity is unfortunate. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted October 30 Share Posted October 30 4 hours ago, curlygurl90 said: There really is no reason for him to be in her life. People come in our lives for a season and reason and move on. But he wants to have her in his life, and she wants to have him in hers. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, their relationship isn’t inappropriate. It’s not your place to decide who can see whom. I think you aren’t being very magnanimous, and honestly this kind of attitude would be a big turn off for me. I have an estranged son that I didn’t see at all between his infancy and adolescence, when I reconnected with him my ex had problems with that. That was one of the main reasons why we broke up. Telling people whom they should have in their lives and whom not never works. You should either accept it or find another man who doesn’t have such attachments. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 30 Share Posted October 30 12 hours ago, curlygurl90 said: The last I heard his ex was married and her daughter already has a father she is in good terms with and she gets along with the new stepfather. There really is no reason for him to be in her life. People come in our lives for a season and reason and move on. Life, feelings & connections are more complicated than that. You think a step-father is someone you just replace like that, like we replace a broken toy. He was in her life at a very specific period of her life. He was part of her life when she was making important growing up transitions. He may be someone she trust and can turn to when she needs advise. Be proud of him. I understand you are a new mother and your whole body and mind is in full protective mode of your offspring but understand that love is not something that has a limit. Your husband has enough love for all of you, and enough for other people that have had an impact on his life. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Leihla_B Posted October 30 Share Posted October 30 51 minutes ago, Gaeta said: You think a step-father is someone you just replace like that, like we replace a broken toy. He was in her life at a very specific period of her life. He was part of her life when she was making important growing up transitions. He may be someone she trust and can turn to when she needs advise. Be proud of him. I would be proud of him, too. My parents broke up when I was 8, and the relationships I later formed with their new partners had huge impacts on my development. It was especially important to learn that not all adult relationships are disposable--and that I was not disposable. This girl is only 17, and your husband has offered her a shred of stability and acceptance of her value. Why on earth would you fault him for that? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted October 30 Share Posted October 30 14 hours ago, curlygurl90 said: Hmm I don't agree with any of the advice given. He has a new family and we now have an infant that should be his focus! He should be busy fathering her. That seems tremendously cold and short sighted. Is this stepdaughter of his now his "focus"? You asked if you are overreacting and my answer is YES. You also better take stock of this situation before you lay down the law in any way. It will come off as very controlling. If your husband is "inappropriate" in his relationship with his ex's daughter -then he's not someone you want in your life, I should think. If, on the other hand, he feels a connection with her since he was around her during her childhood and wants to be there for her - I would thin of that as a virtue. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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