Seriously Confused

[ConfusednStruggling]

I'm going to do my best lay this out as clearly as possible, but my head is so cloudy right now it may be confusing. 

Been married for nearly 20 years. Marriage is up and down as usual, but over the past 6 months or so we are just on different pages. The smallest things seem to be big issues. We aren't connecting the same way we have previously. There seems to be a lack of interest on both sides. I'm not real sure how to fix it but I'm also not sure I want to. My mind is racing with questions, do I do what is best for me or for the kids? Is a marriage of convience better for all even if aren't happy? Is this just a low point and a peak will come again? Dozens more...

I could argue that it very much feels like I'm always giving and never receiving and that it feels like a one sided relationship, but I'm not sure that it helps with any of this. It's not a tit for that kind of thing, but it is hard not feeling that way at times.

On top of all this, may be this is at the heart of it all, but I find myself seriously attracted to a coworker. The conversations about work and life make me realize how much we connect at an intellectual level. However, they are also married. To further complicate things, this person is also my supervisor. I have no idea if they feel the same way or if they truly are unhappy in their on marriage. Some conversations make it seem that way, but the professional relationship is there.

When I think about the future, they are one I see and not my spouse. I do not know what to do. I do not want to risk my job or hurt anyone along the way, but these thoughts are consuming and will not leave me. The more time we spend together, the more I think about it. I want to know if they feel the same way. They might or might not. They might not have ever thought about it. I need to know either way without risking my job.

This is a topic that is hard to talk about. Divorce is something that has always seemed so distant. I also cannot talk to coworkers or other close friends about this for fear of information getting out. 

I'm leaving out a lot of details but I hope someone might have had a similar experience they can share.

[basil67]

Sorry to hear your marriage isn't meeting your needs.  

Without a doubt, your attraction to your coworker is a symptom of you being unhappy in your marriage.   Question is, if your wife got onboard, do you want to make your marriage work?   

[ConfusednStruggling]

Divorce would be the worst case scenario for all. Being together for over 20 years and married for most of that, there still is a lot of love. I do not know that ever truly stop loving someone as much as the type of love you have for them changes. People can grow apart as they get older and want different things. There is an extreme amount of guilt for even having these thoughts.

I do not know that this all a result of some unhappiness. Marriage has highs and lows. In the lowest point, thoughts like this have never occurred. That would be the most logical and what I tell myself. I do feel a true connection. Is it reciprocated? Part of me wants to know and the other side does not. 

[basil67]

Are you here to talk about addressing the issues in your marriage or to discuss whether or not your supervisor has the hots for you?

[ConfusednStruggling]

I am not real sure. Thinking a lot out loud and hoping it brings some clarity.

 

[basil67]

My advice is to make a decision about the future with your wife.  If you want to leave her, do so because you want to leave.   When you're single, you could go after the married woman and either have some kind of trainwreck relationship or she'll tell you a straight up "no".

It all really comes down to how much you want to get out of your marriage.  

[S2B]

Your marriage could be suffering because you are extremely focused on your co worker.

i don’t know if you are male or female… but get some long term professional counseling to gain clarity about what to do about your future/your marriage.

do not start an affair or date anyone u til you have your divorce finalized (if that’s what you decide).

IF it were my marriage - and my spouse was dreaming of being with someone else - I’d want a divorce - and I’d want that before an affair ever started!

why not sit your spouse down and be honest? Simply say, I’ve been having thoughts about ending our marriage because we don’t seems connected for a while. See what he/she says to that honesty. 

[tzorno]

First of all, this fascination with your coworker is troubling to me.  She is married, but yet you still want to pursue her.  What is that saying about you?  It's not just your wife that you would be hurting, but you would be ruining her husbands life too just out of sheer selfishness.  Besides all of that, it rarely, rarely ever turns out that the grass is greener on the other side.  No doubt your attraction for this coworker is affecting your marriage.  Do the right thing and remove yourself from the situation.  Get a transfer, a new job, or just accept that this coworker is not yours.

There's two types of people - A person that will put their family before their own happiness and the person that will put their happiness before their own family.  Which one are you?

[Leihla_B]

On 10/28/2024 at 3:54 PM, ConfusednStruggling said:

I need to know either way without risking my job.

Not accurate. You do not 'need' to know anything personal about your supervisor. You've created a distraction from your marriage, and you're turning it into a false sense of urgency that risks your job and possibly your reputation unless you drop it.

Quit allowing fantasies to squelch reasonable judgment, and start operating in your best interests beyond sabotaging both your career and your marriage. Learn whether your job offers an EAP, Employee Assistance Program, where you are offered up to 3 free confidential sessions with a counselor outside your work site. Choose a provider from the EAP list that is also on your insurance plan's list in case you may want to continue working with the same provider after using your free sessions.

A counselor can help you to figure out where you want to stand with your wife along with advantageous approaches to discussions with her. Focus on resolving current business before considering new business, and you will thank yourself.

[S2B]

Either way this turns out you risk your job.

see a trained counselor. You need help deciphering what’s obsessive about your thoughts and what’s real.

either way - proper order is key. Any person should be already divorced if you may consider seeing them. Otherwise - you are just purposely complicating things for so many people.

not to mention the job complications.

thats why you need professional help first.