8 year affair with married man who ended things out the blue

[Liztaylor101]

So. I’m not sure why I’m posting here, maybe I feel this is the only way I can get things “off my chest” as I can’t speak to anyone about it. I knew the guy in question from high school, we was always close and people always believed there was more between than there was. We was extremely close friends, I always had feelings for him and so did he but I met him through my best friend, as her then bf. It was a silly 14 year old “relationship” and they pretty much held hands for a week before they “broke up.” 
 

growing up through our teenage years she stayed “In love” with him, and would write his name all over school books and cry listening to sad songs when she was drunk. He creased all communication with her after the breakup but we remained close friends. This she was aware of and would ask how I keep him around, how I get him to talk to me or like me ect ect. Although she knew we spoke, I don’t think she knew the extent of our talking, and would sometimes get agitated if she read a few of our messages. Cutting a long story short I always felt we was supposed to be but we couldn’t be because she was my best friend. Skipping forward to 18 my best friend is now in a serious 2 year relationship, I stay in one Friday night and turn off my phone, mainly to avoid texting and feeling like I’m annoying my friend, we will call him Mike. Throughout the night I can a really unsettling feeling, I lived in a house share we girlfriends, and when my best friend didn’t come home that night I KNEW she was with Mike. Even though she rarely came home, she had a bf, ect ect I knew they were together. I got awoken by her coming in at 7am and she was so happy, her face lit up with excitement as she told me she spent the night with him and they had the most amazing sex. I literally felt my soul ripped from my body, but at the same time I was so happy for her; I’ve held her crying for years knowing how much she likes him. I felt a lump in my throat and I went to the shop so I could burst out crying. I felt so sad, sad more for the fact that now they have actually had sex we could no longer be anything extra in the future. I felt hurt for the fact he had told me for years he didn’t like her in that way. I then received a text from him saying “I’m sorry I slept with your best friend, it was a mistake and I hope it doesn’t change us.” I ignored  it and went to work, and came home to my friend crying, he hadn’t spoke to her all day but just text her the same thing that it was a mistake and shouldn’t have happened. I rang him and shouted and was angry he had used and upset my friend. From there I distanced myself from him, we spoke little afterwards but it was never the same. Me, my friend and Mike all moved on that year, and found our now spouses. And and my friend Kate lost contact with Mike and went on to have children ect. 
 

Mike has never had social media and so after we lost contact it was as if he vanished. 2016 a random secret account messages me on Facebook, and it’s him. He says he’s been thinking of me and can’t believe I’m a parent now and how grown up I am. It had been 6 years with 0 contact, even though I was married I still thought of Mike often and missed the close friendship we shared. I was happy he still remembered me, and everything we was as teenagers. We spoke for a good few hours, catching up and congratulating each other with the successful lives we had achieved so far. I said my goodbyes and I didn’t feel we would speak again, atleast not for a good few years again if I was lucky. But, he never truly left after retuning and at the beginning he would pop up every few months, and before long it was daily and we was back in the routine of morning and goodnight messages like we were as teenagers. 
 

2016 was the worst year of my marriage, my husband was unsupportive with the babies we had, I often found him talking to other woman online, he was an excessive cannabis smoker and put me through domestic abuse through the beginning years together; 2016 being the worst due to him losing his job. So when Mike returned, it was like a breath of fresh air. It was the friend I needed to keep me sane. Looking back I should have left the relationship, but I was still young and silly, being 25 with 3 young children, and feeling a dedication to marriage I stayed. 
 

2020 me and Mike began to meet up. As friends, mainly with other mutual friends. At the beginning we would find excuses, I helped him move house, he helped fix my car ect ect. Seeing him after all those years just made feelings resurface, though we kept it platonic. Me and my husband was the best we had been by 2020, though he still had a temper if pushed, we was responsible happy. 

2021 we began exchanging sexual photos. It started innocently, if I can call it that. I was trying on some lingerie for a date with my husband and asked his opinion, after that it became more and more sexual, and the photos became something I was doing to make him like me. He sent photos back, and I eventually wanted more. We spoke a lot about sex, and our sexual chemistry, what he likes and what I like. I wanted more but he didn’t. He said he didn’t want to ruin the friendship we had and didn’t want to risk his marriage. He’s always maintained a very happy, healthy, content marriage and life with his wife. Of course there’s been the odd grumble, he sometimes says she’s lazy or miserable, but has always said he loves her. I apologised and after learning he didn’t want anything physical to happen I never spoke out of line again. We continued speaking as friends, without photos of sexual banter between us. We continued meeting up with friends, and then randomly in 2023 he tells me he loves me, and that he’s fell in love with his best friend. A few nights later I am out with friends and he offers to pick me up, I initially thought he was with friends as this was usual for us… he would often give me a lift with his friends if I needed but he arrived alone. We drove around a lot, talking and then I’m not sure how or why, but we ended up kissing. The sex was out of this world. It was like 15 plus years of built up sexual tension, we done it outside in the rain, and I have never experienced so much passion, every touch felt like electric through my body, I was left physically shaking afterwards. After we was done he kissed my forehead, and we cuddled briefly, he held my hand all the way home and kissed me goodbye. He kept asking if I was going to end the friendship now but I promised I wouldn’t. The next day he messages as usual, and we speak as usual. Sex once didn’t change a thing between us, and we end up having sex a little more regularly. We never have planed it, but I’ve asked for lifts, or he’s offered and we both know how a situation of just me and him will end. This made it easier for us to bear, as it was almost like an accident everytime, that we didn’t regret but we didn’t plan either. 
 

at the end of 2023, and a year of being physical I fall pregnant. And that is were the rifts in our relationship begin. We was both shocked, he distanced himself from me and we spoke very little, I got an abortion alone, I was angry at him, I felt used and ditched. I cried a lot, I wanted the baby but felt backed into a corner, after the termination somehow we worked past it and carried on as we was. Though deep inside I had always carried some resentment and hurt for him, so it never truly felt the same. Afterwards he told me he infect wanted me to keep the baby, and he thought that’s the decision I would make. We continued to have unprotected sex afterwards, (long story on that one, but I want my ovulation.) 

 

in may 2024 I began asking to see him more and he would make excuses more. I felt him pulling away from me slowly and it was painful. Slowly the good morning messages wouldn’t arrive, and then not speaking for a week was normal, I began getting upset messaged him a huge message of how much I missed him. He rang me and shouted, he has never shouted at me, not even whilst I was pregnant with the potential to mess up with world. He called me an emotional wreck, and asked what was wrong with me. He said he has a wife that he loves, and I’m not his girlfriend. That he can’t text me 24/7. This hurt, so I distanced myself for a few months hoping he’ll reach out. It’s been around 6 months since and our communication has be sparse, he messages sometimes when out, but nothing meaningful. Last week was my birthday, and he messaged to wish me a happy birthday. We got talking, and then began arguing over our version of events. He says that we couldn’t continue f***ing people over, that we would have hurt people, that his family with always come first, that he enjoyed what we had but he loves his family. That he can’t take part in sex with me anymore because it’s wrong,  I asked if he loved me and he replied he never, but has feelings and will always been my friend. I thanked him for his honestly and left him too it. Since then he has spoken more than the past 6 months, making petting excuses to communicate, and asked to see me or for me to come out with his friends. I’m a little confused. I’m unsure what he wants, from our last deep conversation we’re he told me he didn’t love me I was ready to fully let go, but now he’s in the background. I still feel he has some love for me, but won’t admit it becus he doesn’t want to give me ideas of us being together, he has my face tattooed on his arm. His wife believes it was just a random face but it is mine. I am not proud to of been the other woman, but I loved him, I’ve always loved him. This year, I also found out my husband was seeing various woman, 20/30 this year alone. Two wrongs don’t make a right but I just had one person, that blossomed from friendship. I wanted a divorce but my husband maintains he wants to stay, as a family unit we work well. I feel no desires towards my husband. And I’m not happy with him, but he wants to stay despite everything and so I am trying. Not sure why I have wasted time posting here just to read abuse, maybe it will help me. Who knows. 

[Liztaylor101]

I guess I was searching for someone who has been in this position, a married man that took part in such a lengthy affair. I’m struggling with how we ended, I have since worked out it was 9 years, for him to randomly cease contact and decide this isn’t what he wants. I felt like I knew him, but I never saw this coming. Part of me wonders if his wife found out, but I think he would have been open about that. Half of me feels it was just entertainment and fun at the time, the whole thing was a fantasy to him, which I can’t hate him for as I knew the situation,  but when I look back it felt deeper. He was scared to lose me for a lot of years, now he can toss me away without so much as a goodbye. This year has been the worst year of my life. I lost my husband in a way I didn’t see coming, and I lost my affair parter. Out of all the hurt my husband has put me through I have never felt such deep emotional pain like losing Mike. I think it hurt more that for months he was distant without any direct explanation, it left me feeling crazy. Then the blow up argument on my birthday, strangely helped. He opened up, and I was thankful he let me know how he felt even if it wasn’t what I wanted to hear. Now we are at a place where we haven’t blocked each other, but we just watch each others stories, where usually it would initiate a conversation between us but now the silence it strong. We would always know what we was doing day to day, and now we only know through watching a story. The silence hurts, I know I could take up his offer of meeting up and having a night out with mutual friends, but will that really help me. I’m not sure what he wants from me, what I am or what I was. He says he doesn’t love me but has feelings and always will, but how do I feel love and he doesn’t. If we meet up and have sex where does that leave me, know I know what I know. I’m hurt and confused, and I know the whole thing was wrong but he always felt so right. I haven’t and won’t reach out, I wish I would skip the next year of my life, to avoid feeling this healing process. The pain I feel inside, I literally feel dead and as if I am a walking zombie. Deattaching was the hardest thing I have ever went through, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t go out with friends as I couldn’t engage in conversation. My mind was blank and I felt completely empty, did he feel none of that? I guess my life is a mess right now but I have trust and hope that I will feel happiness again. I keep telling myself love and attachment is just hormones, and my brain is craving him becus he gives me what my body is craving. It’s like a drug, and if I stay away long enough I will stop needing him. 

[basil67]

I don’t mean to ignore you…but that’s one huge wall of text. Paragraph breaks are your friend

[Liztaylor101]

18 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I don’t mean to ignore you…but that’s one huge wall of text. Paragraph breaks are your friend

Such a lot, sorry and that was making it as short as possible. I did use paragraphs, though still long I’m afraid. 

[BaileyB]

I’ve skimmed through your post and I have one question for you - 

Knowing that he has chosen to end your relationship and be with his family, what do you want for your own life? All I read is - Why is he thinking? Why did he do this? What does he want? Did it mean something to him? Will he come back? I would respectfully suggest that the focus needs to shift from him to you. You are way too focused on a man who unceremoniously dumped you. That’s not healthy for you. 

I have two suggestions for you - find a counsellor if you are able because there is a lot to unravel here. And, if you are ever going to move on from this you need to go no contact with your MM. Quit trolling his social media. 

Edited October 30 by BaileyB

[Leihla_B]

4 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I would respectfully suggest that the focus needs to shift from him to you. You are way too focused on a man who unceremoniously dumped you. That’s not healthy for you. 

I have two suggestions for you - find a counsellor if you are able because there is a lot to unravel here. And, if you are ever going to move on from this you need to go no contact with your MM. Quit trolling his social media. 

I agree. You mention wishing you could avoid this time of healing, but what you're doing is not healing, it's digging a deeper hole to climb out of.

Consider ways to put meaning into your own life, which you model for your children. Whether that's taking up studies, or finding meetup groups around an interest to explore, or working with a counselor to help you through grief and to find a new focus. The goal is to move beyond stagnation, and you can't do that if your entire focus is on seeking scraps from a guy who is happy enough in his marriage and family to no longer risk those relationships for you.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Leihla_B said:

You mention wishing you could avoid this time of healing, but what you're doing is not healing

Indeed. There is no short cut through grief. Pain and grief are inevitable when a relationship ends, but the heart will heal if you give it a chance. 

As they say, suffering is optional… and it seems to me that is what you are doing by continuing to troll his social media and pining for the man long after he has walked away… 

Edited October 30 by BaileyB

[Will am I]

On 10/29/2024 at 10:07 AM, Liztaylor101 said:

at the end of 2023, and a year of being physical I fall pregnant. And that is were the rifts in our relationship begin. We was both shocked, he distanced himself from me and we spoke very little, I got an abortion alone, I was angry at him, I felt used and ditched.

You must be so devastated and heartbroken about this episode. I case you need validation: you are perfectly right to feel angry and used and ditched.

Actually when I read the background story I do not feel a lot of sympathy for your AP. The random disappearing and reappearing. Holding a crush but not being open about it. It appears he may have been keeping you on a leash while he was in a relationship with someone else. Some of it sounds a bit creepy. All of it comes across as very immature.

I can't help but wonder why he didn't get involved with you when you were young and before you went into separate LTRs. Were you always a "plan B" for him?

 

On 10/29/2024 at 10:07 AM, Liztaylor101 said:

This year, I also found out my husband was seeing various woman, 20/30 this year alone. Two wrongs don’t make a right but I just had one person, that blossomed from friendship. I wanted a divorce but my husband maintains he wants to stay, as a family unit we work well. I feel no desires towards my husband.

In the mean time your marriage seems to be falling apart from both sides. 

 

I think the best advice I can give is this: step back, find support with one or a few close female friends and figure out what you want in life and how that connects (or doesn't connect) to what you have right now.

It appears you have been balancing between two very broken relationships for a long time. Each of these relationships must have had a certain emotional value to you. Ask yourself why you were feeding on crumbs of affection from an inconsistent and unreliable affair partner.

 

[Liztaylor101]

On 10/30/2024 at 8:12 PM, Will am I said:

You must be so devastated and heartbroken about this episode. I case you need validation: you are perfectly right to feel angry and used and ditched.

Actually when I read the background story I do not feel a lot of sympathy for your AP. The random disappearing and reappearing. Holding a crush but not being open about it. It appears he may have been keeping you on a leash while he was in a relationship with someone else. Some of it sounds a bit creepy. All of it comes across as very immature.

I can't help but wonder why he didn't get involved with you when you were young and before you went into separate LTRs. Were you always a "plan B" for him?

 

In the mean time your marriage seems to be falling apart from both sides. 

 

I think the best advice I can give is this: step back, find support with one or a few close female friends and figure out what you want in life and how that connects (or doesn't connect) to what you have right now.

It appears you have been balancing between two very broken relationships for a long time. Each of these relationships must have had a certain emotional value to you. Ask yourself why you were feeding on crumbs of affection from an inconsistent and unreliable affair partner.

 

Thanks for taking the time to read and give an opinion, I know the post was long. I tried to keep it and minimal as possible. I often asked why nothing happened between us when we was younger and he always maintained it was because he valued me too much as a friend over anything sexual, and thought that if he made a move it would end the friendship. We never established feelings between us as teenagers. Whether this has any truth I don’t know. 
 

the past year has been the hardest year of my life. I feel deeply hurt inside to the point I have imagined ending my life, of course I never would, I have children who I love but I no longer feel any kind of happiness, and continuesly fake happiness for them and others that I love and care about. 
 

I still have Mike on social media, and I’m not sure it helps but I want to be mature and not act childish by blocking him. I have noticed since we ended him and his wife seem to be rekindling, they are going on lots of romantic dates, and hot tub holidays which has been hard to see (they never to my knowledge has a romantic relationship prior.) he seems to be happy which is the main thing, and I’m happy he’s happy in his relationship even if it brings me sadness that I’ve been pushed aside. He’s still tried so see me weekly since we had the big “end all” argument. And I’m still none of the wiser to his intentions. I’m not sure if he genuinely wants to go back to a platonic friendship or he wants to use me for sex. I’ve started to feel he never cared for me atall, and I’m still stunned and in shock he treated me the way he did. 
 

as for my husband he’s desperately trying, he maintains he’s in love with me and will never cheat again. That he has a sex addiction he’s struggling to control, and refuses to let us be apart. It’s made me almost hate him, I initially asked for a divorce or if anything a few months break, but he’s very dominant and controlling and refused to even give me 24 hours apart from him. 
 

thankfully my children are happy and content with our pretend marriage, and that’s all I’m focusing on at present. 

[ExpatInItaly]

29 minutes ago, Liztaylor101 said:

I still have Mike on social media, and I’m not sure it helps but I want to be mature and not act childish by blocking him

It is not childish to block someone from your life who brings you pain and confusion. 

I find this is the excuse people use when they still want to keep a door open in case their ex-lover wants to come back, though. 

31 minutes ago, Liztaylor101 said:

he’s very dominant and controlling and refused to even give me 24 hours apart from him. 

It's not up to him to give you time away from him. It's up to you to take time away from him. That's a choice that will fall on you, not him. 

[Liztaylor101]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It is not childish to block someone from your life who brings you pain and confusion. 

I find this is the excuse people use when they still want to keep a door open in case their ex-lover wants to come back, though. 

Yea I believe this to be true to a certain extent. Although, ceasing all communication avenues needs to have some reasoning, and I don’t really have any. I don’t feel any dedication to my marriage, I don’t regret the affair and if I’m honest some of the best years of my life was within it. I fully accept it’s over, but want to hold on to friendship in some way if I can, but I won’t beg or persist for it. I feel my affairs partner has always been very picture perfect, he’s always been happy within it, and I’ve probably been the one unhappy part, the part that he has remorse and guilt over. Where as for me, my life has always been unhappy, the little parts of him have been the o ly happiness I’ve known. Closing the door on that little happiness I get, even if 1% makes my already very miserable life even more miserable. I know I can’t rely on him for happiness, and I’m in charge of how I live and change my life, but right now putting a stop to the one person who feels right (even if they aren’t) right now isn’t what’s best, especially when I’m feeling so vulnerable mentally. I’ve already adjusted to the no contact, no physical contact ect, and slowly we will become nothing again, and giving myself that time to process it I think will benefit me.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Liztaylor101 said:

Although, ceasing all communication avenues needs to have some reasoning, and I don’t really have any.

What about that it is destructive to both of your marriages to leave any avenues of communication open? 

[Liztaylor101]

6 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What about that it is destructive to both of your marriages to leave any avenues of communication open? 

Unfortunately my problem lies with the fact I’m In a relationship I don’t want to be in with someone I don’t feel any love or desire for, although I care, and together we make a great family unit other than that it’s meaningless to me. My husband has been a serial cheater over the years, and not just with woman. Unfortunately he’s hurt me enough for me to feel no commitment towards him. I know my affair partner isn’t the answer and only contributes to problems I have, but cutting him off and hurting myself for someone I have little care for doesn’t seem worth it 

[Liztaylor101]

12 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What about that it is destructive to both of your marriages to leave any avenues of communication open? 

I also read of similar stories on here, and I do wish I could sit here and write how much I love my husband, how he’s the best person in the world and I’m so lucky to still have him by my side but that really isn’t the case. Of course there has been good times, and I’m sure we’ll have them again but my relationship is far from that, a relationship. We parent and live together, and force ourselves to be faithful when our hearts probably aren’t in it, I know mine isn’t. I think possibly he’s gay, but won’t admit it. I’m really stuck and it’s hard to comprehend 

[ExpatInItaly]

So how are you going to feel if you someday find out your AP has found a new woman to cheat with? 

[Leihla_B]

7 hours ago, Liztaylor101 said:

I want to be mature and not act childish by blocking him.

Oh, c'mOn, Liz. Whoever invented the meme of blocking being childish was a self-serving masochist. It's not as though SM users receive some big pop-up notice that says, "Liz has blocked you! So THERE!"

There are slow fades and there are shut downs, and both are valid ways of closing the door on painful or otherwise undesirable relationships. But dosing yourself with peeps of MM's life with his family is not a way to heal. You might rationalize self-torture as some kind of noble punishment or something, but it's not doing yourself or the love you have for your children any favors.

I'd quit that. I'd shift my focus onto the kind of life I want to create for myself and my kids. I'd make plans, then steps toward the plans, then I'd start taking even the smallest baby steps toward reaching each of those plans. That's healing. And every movement you make in the right direction will offer some degree of satisfaction that you can celebrate until it starts to become joy.

Healing doesn't just happen 'to' us, it requires our participation. Don't let anyone else rob you of your will to enjoy your future and the generation you've created.

[Liztaylor101]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

So how are you going to feel if you someday find out your AP has found a new woman to cheat with? 

I will honestly be heartbroken should that ever happen. How isit my husband can cheat and I feel nothing, I could hardly bring myself to cry, get I can cry myself to sleep knowing my ap is on a romantic holiday with his wife. It hurts, it feeling physically hurts. But despite all, I may sound crazy, but I leave him be. I never contact him and if we speak it’s when he reaches out. 

[Liztaylor101]

Really physically **

 

sorry I’m at work so rushed typing 

[Liztaylor101]

3 minutes ago, Liztaylor101 said:

So how are you going to feel if you someday find out your AP has found a new woman to cheat with

Although, when we last had a true argument, he ended things with me, I told him that he has f***ed up before me, and will f*** up without me, and he doesn’t need me around to f*** up, he can do that all on his own. And that’s pretty accurate. He may dedicate himself now to the marriage, but something is missing for him to find what ever it was he lacked in someone else. 

[S2B]

The relationship that looks happy and healthy is the one that YOU spend time and energy nurturing!

In your post - you barely mention your husband and family!

the thing with Mike is your distraction - the toxic part that will ruin your marriage.

yet you are still so full caused on Mike.

let all thoughts of Mike go - and focus only on your husband.

if you won’t - then divorce him so that he can find a gal who really does love him.

 

[Acacia98]

What do you say to the idea of getting counselling, which someone so compassionately suggested?

[S2B]

edited

yet you are still so focused on Mike.

let all thoughts of Mike go - and focus only on your husband.

if you won’t - then divorce him so that he can find a gal who really does love him.

 

Edited November 11 by S2B

[Liztaylor101]

54 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

What do you say to the idea of getting counselling, which someone so compassionately suggested?

I can’t afford counselling sadly, luckily I like in the uk and I can get some free on the nhs but it’s a 3 year wait. I have been on the list 6 months. 

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, Liztaylor101 said:

He may dedicate himself now to the marriage, but something is missing for him to find what ever it was he lacked in someone else. 

And what reaction were you hoping to gain out of him by implying this? 

 

[Liztaylor101]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

And what reaction were you hoping to gain out of him by implying this? 

 

I’m not looking to gain anything from him. He ended what we was, I’ve accepted, I haven’t turned toxic and begged him to change his mind, I haven’t told him he’s wrong for choosing his family, I haven’t tried to stay present in his life, I haven’t followed him around town hoping he’ll want me back, I haven’t told his wife out of jealousy. In fact, I just shut up and got on with life, I’ve left him to be happy, I’ve stayed quiet but civil if we have exchanged a few words. I’ve even changed a weekly group session we attended with our children to another day to avoid us meeting face to face. I’m fully aware it’s over, that was his decision and I’ve let him make that. The fact he still messages on and off and invites me out with friends, I think it more becus he feels sorry for me. He knows he’s hurt me, and I think he wants to show me he still cares in someways, so says hey, we haven’t spoke for a few weeks, I’m off out later with the gang come out for a bit. Which is nice, but I don’t agree to it. I believe he will eventually miss what we had, and hopefully I will have fully learned to get go by then.