8 year affair with married man who ended things out the blue

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, Liztaylor101 said:

He ended what we was, I’ve accepted, I haven’t turned toxic

You also haven’t let go…
 

5 hours ago, Liztaylor101 said:

The fact he still messages on and off and invites me out with friends, I think it more because he feels sorry for me.

This is a very selfish and unkind thing to do.  He has ended the affair but he is not giving you the space to let go and move on with your life. This is toxic - affairs are toxic - and drawing you back in any way (even if it’s just an invitation to “get together with friends”) benefits him - not you. 

Edited November 11 by BaileyB

[Liztaylor101]

44 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

You also haven’t let go…
 

This is a very selfish and unkind thing to do.  He has ended the affair but he is not giving you the space to let go and move on with your life. This is toxic - affairs are toxic - and drawing you back in any way (even if it’s just an invitation to “get together with friends”) benefits him - not you. 

I’m not sure of his intentions or his thinking anymore, we have quite clearly became strangers again. I may be writing my feelings and emotions on here, as I have not a single person to talk to in real life…. But my affair partner knows nothing of how I’m feeling. To him he ended it and I walked away like a good little girl. I haven’t complained or kicked up a fuss. I’m putting effort into my partner but also going through a grieving process for my ap. 

[BaileyB]

18 minutes ago, Liztaylor101 said:

But my affair partner knows nothing of how I’m feeling.

He doesn’t need to know how you are feeling - he has ended the relationship. This is what happens when relationships end - people go their separate ways and the thoughts/feelings of their former relationship partner are no longer their concern. 

I get the sense that you are projecting what you would like him to be thinking/feeling into your former affair partner. But rarely, do other people think about us or concern themselves with our feelings as we think they do…

 

[Liztaylor101]

4 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

He doesn’t need to know how you are feeling - he has ended the relationship. This is what happens when relationships end - people go their separate ways and the thoughts/feelings of their former relationship partner are no longer their concern. 

I get the sense that you are projecting what you would like him to be thinking/feeling into your former affair partner. But rarely, do other people think about us or concern themselves with our feelings as we think they do…

 

I’m not sure what you mean by that? And I never said how I am feeling is any of his concern, I wouldn’t even give him the time of day to sit and explain how I feel. 
 

He gets nothing from me now, and in return I want nothing from him. I know in my heart a day will come when he regrets letting me go, it’s inevitable. We was in an almost relationship like situation for 9 years, so to think he can walk away without caring isn’t the truth, she just doesn’t care enough. 
 

he ended it, I accepted, I’m learning to let go, and no blocking won’t speed that up, I need it to hurt to heal, I need to see him happy without me, I need to see him love his wife whilst we don’t speak atall, I need to see life events happen that we no longer discuss. The more it hurts the more I heal. I wouldn’t say I’m the average person, but for me this is fitting right now. I don’t plan to have him on social media for ever, but until I’ve moved on fully I won’t be deleting him. He’s free to delete me, I don’t not object. 
 

I suppose when the day comes that I feel I can delete him, I know I’ve healed. 

[Acacia98]

7 hours ago, Liztaylor101 said:

The fact he still messages on and off and invites me out with friends, I think it more becus he feels sorry for me. He knows he’s hurt me, and I think he wants to show me he still cares in someways, so says hey, we haven’t spoke for a few weeks, I’m off out later with the gang come out for a bit. Which is nice, but I don’t agree to it. I believe he will eventually miss what we had, and hopefully I will have fully learned to get go by then. 

You need to block him. You can't truly move on as long as he keeps pulling this intermittent-communication stunt. I don't know if you realize this, but the point of his actions is to keep you on the shelf as a plan B of sorts. When he gets bored with his marriage again, he'll seek you out. If you're receptive, he'll have another fling with you. Then when you try to assert yourself by asking for more, he will discard you yet again. If he really felt sorry for you, he would have given you a chance to "kill" your feelings for him by staying completely away. 

7 hours ago, Liztaylor101 said:

I can’t afford counselling sadly, luckily I like in the uk and I can get some free on the nhs but it’s a 3 year wait. I have been on the list 6 months. 

That's unfortunate. It might help you to read others' posts on ending affairs here. It might also be helpful to look for books and articles on the subject online and elsewhere.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Liztaylor101 said:

but until I’ve moved on fully I won’t be deleting him

You won't really move on as long as he's on your socials, though. 

You are your own worst enemy here. 

2 hours ago, Liztaylor101 said:

I know in my heart a day will come when he regrets letting me go, it’s inevitable.

What difference will it make, though? Neither of you seems willing to leave your marriages so it will never amout to anything more, even if feels some regret someday. 

What I am getting from your posts is that the real reason you won't delete him off social media is because you are hoping he still comes back and wants to rekindle the affair. 

[Liztaylor101]

19 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You won't really move on as long as he's on your socials, though. 

You are your own worst enemy here. 

What difference will it make, though? Neither of you seems willing to leave your marriages so it will never amout to anything more, even if feels some regret someday. 

What I am getting from your posts is that the real reason you won't delete him off social media is because you are hoping he still comes back and wants to rekindle the affair. 

Of course, he ended things with me, had he not I would have continued like we always did. Currently I’m in a mess of a marriage, and I got a lot of my happiness from my affair. 
 

but, Ive respected wishes to end it, ive kept and will continue to keep my distance. My heart is hoping he’ll just realise he misses how we was too much and we can go back to what we was, but I know that wasn’t healthy. My head hopes he’ll continue working on his marriage, stay away and let me refocus on mine. 
 

im pretty certain the second one is going to happen. Unfortunately I can’t seem to please my head and heart at the same time, and haven’t been able to do that for many years, I’m looking to change that. I’m taking baby steps in the right direction, however painful they are. 
 

and for the record, in the past when we have tried parting ways (I have read affairs attempt to end a good few times before they actually do) I have blocked him in the past, and it was extremely more painful, and extremely more hard work to forget. It feels almost like a drug addiction, and I literally had withdrawals, and then craved any contact atall. Atleast this way he pops up on my feed from time to time, I can see he’s happy and doing ok (I adore him and I always want what’s best for him) I’m not a bitter ex affair partner. And yeh, slowly but surely, I’ll wean myself off of 9 years of secrets and lies, and maybe I’ll look back and think what the hell was I thinking. Time will tell. 

Edited November 11 by Liztaylor101

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What I am getting from your posts is that the real reason you won't delete him off social media is because you are hoping he still comes back and wants to rekindle the affair. 

This, as acknowledged above. 
 

5 hours ago, Liztaylor101 said:

I know in my heart a day will come when he regrets letting me go, it’s inevitable.

At the very least, it sounds like you want the validation of knowing that  he regrets the decision to let you go - that he misses you. 

This statement, quoted above, is an example of projection. You know - will regret letting you go. It’s inevitable. But, it’s not. He may return to his family and look upon this affair as one chapter in his life. I’m sure that he will remember your relationship fondly, but he may not necessarily regret letting you go. He may just turn the page and move on with his life… with his family. 
 

5 hours ago, Liztaylor101 said:

I suppose when the day comes that I feel I can delete him, I know I’ve healed. 

You have that backward, you truly start to heal when you block/delete him. 

Edited November 11 by BaileyB

[Will am I]

On 11/10/2024 at 11:18 AM, Liztaylor101 said:

the past year has been the hardest year of my life. I feel deeply hurt inside to the point I have imagined ending my life, of course I never would, I have children who I love but I no longer feel any kind of happiness, and continuesly fake happiness for them and others that I love and care about. 

I understand the depths where this is coming from but please accept the notion that your life is valuable.

It is valuable when things are going well, but it is equally precious in the midst of the pain and hurt.

 

You do not come across as suicidal because of the way you are able to structure your thoughts logically. Nevertheless the following: I do not find it strange for anyone to have suicidal thoughts every now and then, but these thoughts do need to be mere visitors. They come, they go. If you have trouble getting them out of your head and the thoughts are becoming resident, do not hesitate to call for professional help. Even when financial means are limited there are resources for you. You could call the suicide prevention hotline in your area.

 

On 11/10/2024 at 11:18 AM, Liztaylor101 said:

still have Mike on social media, and I’m not sure it helps but I want to be mature and not act childish by blocking him.

It's not necessarily immature or childish to block someone on social media after a failed relationship or affair. Actually the "no contact" approach is widely regarded as a sane and effective approach.

 

On 11/10/2024 at 11:18 AM, Liztaylor101 said:

as for my husband he’s desperately trying, he maintains he’s in love with me and will never cheat again. That he has a sex addiction he’s struggling to control, and refuses to let us be apart. It’s made me almost hate him, I initially asked for a divorce or if anything a few months break, but he’s very dominant and controlling and refused to even give me 24 hours apart from him. 

No doubts that there is some form of love, but at the same time it doesn't feel like he's in love. People who are in love are very much occupied with the object of their affection and not so open to other women. Now whether "in love" should be a focal point in a long term relationship is another question.

But that's his side. Let's look briefly the marriage from your side.

It seems you are married to a man who is (a) unfaithful and (b) controlling to the point that he won't even leave you alone for 24 hours. Should we concerned about your physical safety? It occurs to me that maybe you should be quietly working on an exit plan. By the way, you don't ask for a divorce. You file for divorce. Because it takes two to marry, it only takes one to end that. You do not need your spouse's permission to leave.