AnonymousLover Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 It's only been a couple of weeks since me and my girl broke up. We had an argument (big blowout) about some concerns within our relationship. It was her idea to take space. Not mine. She said that maybe we can be friends at some point in the future. She didn't even mention getting her things back from me, I had to bring that up. This is what I want to know. Why has she managed to keep in contact with me in some way every single day since we split? Either text, IM, phone, or email. She gets frustrated when I am not quick to answer the phone or respond back to the point where she mentions that she had been trying to get in contact with me. She is very interested in wanting to know what is going on with me on a daily basis. She has not yet asked me if I am dating. Why is it that someone that needed space from me is so intent on keeping in contact with me? This was all her idea. I am trying to move on because I am not the one that wanted to break up.
salmagundi Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 I'm not sure what I can offer by way of helpful advice because honestly, if I knew what to tell you I would have solved my problem with my ex, because it seems we are in the same position. You can read my thread from about a week before xmas if you want to compare notes. All I can offer are possibilities. In my case I got tired of a dealing with a kindof ambiguous "hot/cold" period we were going through towards the end of our relationship so I put what I thought was a reasonable ultimatum to her. Tell me if this is going somewhere or if we are always going to go around in circles like this, in which case we should rethink what we are doing together. I've sinced learned that the answer to an ultimatum is always 'no'. So I wonder, did you do something similar, like force her hand so she felt she had to break up with you, even if maybe on reflection later it wasnt exactly what she wanted. In this case she may be making sure you dont go to far while she waits for the dust to settle so at some opportune moment you guys can talk about how to fix it. But I dont know if I should suggest this because it could be absolutely not true that she wants to get back together with you and you shouldn't harbour false hope. It could just be a kind of post breakup anxiety. Since you were the most recent object of her affections it is natural that she would still be interested in what you are doing etc. Who else is she supposed to call or care about immediately after a breakup? But that wuold change once she met someone else. I could also speculate that she is really needy and insecure and for that reason wants to make sure you're still around for the sake of her ego. But who knows? Other LS people could suggest other possibilities too. What do you think? Are you guys still close? What are your interactions like? I know when my ex kept calling, finding me, visiting me at work etc I had to tell her that if it was over then it was time for us to start acting like it, that my feelings for her weren't just going to go away if it was frienship she was looking for from me. I've told her that four times in the last month. She keeps coming back. Never giving unambiguous "I just want us to be friends" signals but never coming out and saying "lets get back together" either. Its hard to deal with and the only thing that has helped has been coming out to British Columbia for xmas. 3 weeks apart has helped my emotions to settle. It might help you as well to put some distance between you guys somehow. Maybe just tell her if its over then you need some time to process it all and seeing her everyday isnt helping. And that if it isnt, well, then you guys can talk about that. Does this help? I'm gonna follow this thread because I'm also interested in everyones advice. My ex has emailed me a few times and made what might be signals that she is interested in reconciliation and it makes me nervous because I'm going to see her next week when I fly back and I dont know how to act when I do... Anyway...good luck, salmagundi
CaliGuy Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 It's simple, really. She asked for space, give it to her. Don't take her calls. Don't answer email. Don't answer text. She wanted it, now give her what she asked for. The fact she's still calling you tells me she was just testing you, so as long as you keep replying to her the longer she thinks she can play this game. Show her you don't need her in your life. Sure, you want her but don't need her. That's the key. As long as you're at her beck and call answering all her calls, etc the longer she'll play this game. Go out with friends, go to the gym, indulge in hobbies. Fill up your time so that you have little for her. Trust me, it's the best course of action when someone wants their space. Let her see what life would be like without you.
grace2005 Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 Take some of her calls if you want to but always make sure you end the conversation first and hang up first.
CaliGuy Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 Take some of her calls if you want to but always make sure you end the conversation first and hang up first. I politely disagree. If she wants her space, why is she calling? If he takes her calls, then she'll keep stringing him along. She needs to sh*t or get off the pot. She's riding the fence here and that's not fair to him.
grace2005 Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 He should still take some of her calls as a signal to her that the door is still open. If he does not respond to any of her calls she will think he's closed the door and she'll move on.
CaliGuy Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 He should still take some of her calls as a signal to her that the door is still open. If he does not respond to any of her calls she will think he's closed the door and she'll move on. Perhaps so but remember she is the one that has asked for space. When she asks why he isn't returning her calls, he can simply reply "You wanted your space, I'm giving it to you. If this is not what you want then please tell me what exactly you're looking to accomplish." Bottom line, she's riding the fence. If he rides it with her, nothing will get resolved.
bluechocolate Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 She Needs space but she still contacts me everyday!?! On the issue of needing space a one time LS poster had this to say (or words to this effect): Man comes homes one day & g/friend tells him that she 'needs some space'. He leaves the house and goes to a toy store. When he returns home he hands his g/friend a rocket & says, 'here, stick this up your a$$ & go find all the space you need'. I've always rather liked that.
Sleeps w/Butterflies Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 I agree with CaliGuy. I went through this and didn't take his calls, blocked him on messanger, ignored his texts. It was so hard, so hard. But I kept busy, worked alot etc. During that time he was bothering me which I believe A.L will happen to you. Also do not tell her not to call you, just stop answering her. She left you so she has to face the consequences.
CaliGuy Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 I agree with CaliGuy. I went through this and didn't take his calls, blocked him on messanger, ignored his texts. It was so hard, so hard. But I kept busy, worked alot etc. During that time he was bothering me which I believe A.L will happen to you. Also do not tell her not to call you, just stop answering her. She left you so she has to face the consequences. It's all about self-respect. She is having doubts and if he isn't strong and respects himself then she's sure to see that. I know NC is hard but she does need to face the consequences of her decision. If she doesn't come back, it wasn't meant to. I truly believe that in all cases. Never say never, but if you don't respect yourself, no one else will.
AnonymousLover Posted January 7, 2006 Posted January 7, 2006 She sent me a picture of us together. Why did she do that? And she gets testy when I'm not available. She's left messages sounding frustrated that I didn't answer and stuff.
bluechocolate Posted January 7, 2006 Posted January 7, 2006 She's messing with you, intentional or not, that is what she is doing. I would speak to her once & once only & then only to clarify from her what 'needing space' means. It looks like to her it means, 'I can contact you, but you cannot do the same.' This is immature & disrespectful. Are those the qualities you look for in a partner? I've never understood this 'needing space' garbage. If something is wrong in a relationship you talk about it & work on it. You do not pull away. If it's a matter of spending too much time together & one person feeling smothered, then that can be worked out too - as a couple. Relinquishing all control regarding contact to one party is not a relationship, heck it's not even dating!
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