My wife can't deal with ANY of my family.

[Kenyth]

This started off as a small problem that is rapidly growing beyond control. I feel like I"m the only hub of reason is this mass of crazy people! That makes me feel like I'M the one insane!

 

Without getting into too much detail,

 

I supported my wife on a decision to go with the insurance company she wanted when we got married. My mother, the insurance agent I currently had, was hurt by this and threw a fit. This caused an argument that quickly grew to epidemic proportions and me being disowned. I got us all into mediation with less than stellar results, but at least a workable relationship. Now, they want to mend things and my wife resisted it. She allowed they could come over every two weeks to visit and that I could visit them there when I picked up my son on visitation weekends. This went on for some months. Then, my parents started getting angry again because this wasn't good enough. My wife didn't want to go over there for the holidays and this caused another fight in the already tenuous relationship I just built back with my parents. Needless to say, that kind of put everything back to square one. Anyway, I can live with it, but essentially I've given up my family for the sake of my marriage. My brothers wife, and him to a lesser extent, acted very badly, so they're out too! My youngest brother is the last one and just tries to keep a low profile because he still lives with my parents.

 

Now, when we first decided to get married and I decided to move 30 miles away to be nearer to her and my job, my ex-wife sued me for custody and won. She had been remarried and in the position to try for a while, but I had been pacifying her with low-to-no child support and unlimited visitation. MY wife found this a hideous arrangement and wanted to go to a traditional arrangement. I managed to argue that $200 a month should be fine for a support agreement if it kept us out of court. It didn't matter, my ex still sued for custody in spite of the generous offer she refused. Now, during this stressful time, my wife posted on a child custody site. My ex found it and used it against her in court. The posts weren't anything terrible, mostly venting, but it certainly didn't put my wife in a good light. These posts wound up being one of three reasons I lost custody. The second reason was my own damn fault. I gave her informal temporary custody while I got out of the military and went to school. The last reason was the move, which by the written law shouldn't have mattered, but the judge decided to use it anyway. Afterward, my ex wife used the posts to sue my wife for defamation. The lawsuit is ongoing and so far a complete failure, but it still costs money and time.

 

Anyhow this is just background info. My biggest problem now is that there is animosity between my son of 13 and my wife because of all this. This has to do with stuff brought out in court my son had to have told his mother about. Once again, nothing big, but proving animosity between my wife and her. But it was there nontheless. My wife flipped when the decision came back and in her fury that lasted two weeks she alienated my son and almost lost me. Even now, she won't hold her tongue around my son about his mother and he gives her dark looks. My son does subtle things to irritate her, like drawing a picture of a black cats head with a dagger through it and leaving it out where she can find it (My wife owns a black cat) to retaliate. A few months ago, my son took a couple pieces of her jewelry (diamond earrings included) and hid them in his room. My wife, of course, only makes matters worse by being ever more restictive and aloof with him when he's over and making more off-hand comments. It's positively juvenile and I've said as much. I keep punishing my son and trying to talk a little love and understanding into my wife hoping they'll get along like they did at first, but it keeps getting worse. At this point, she's convinced he'll get into some kind of malicious mischief if he comes over. She refuses to let the baby sleep alone when he's here or let him stay out of sight. She's now worried that he'll hurt, torment, or even kill her cat. I personally don't think he's capable of such a thing. He's always been gentle to animals and small children before. He still likes them and treats them kindly as far as I can tell.

 

She basically want's me to start not letting him come over because she doesn't want to live in constant suspicion and fear of him. My visitation is dwindling due to all this anyway. Unless I have vacation available for him to come over on his breaks, I can't let him come. He's too old for a babysitter and can't be trusted not to get into mischief if he stays home alone. Because he's constantly being punished lately, he's bored and unhappy, so he doesn't want to be there anyway.

 

What to do? Do I cut back on his visits and tell him it's because he's not acting right? I've already had talks with him on stuff like this. He plays innocent or plays dumb. It took him a great deal of discomfort to get him to admit to taking the jewelry and why. Even when he was caught red handed he denied it all! Do I need to get tougher with him or show more love and understanding? Honestly, I'm thinking he needs to get some consequences to show him that if you look for trouble, don't be surprised when you find it. At the same time, I sympathize this whole side of his family is a complete mess and he can probably pin it all too easily on my wife, who seems to find herself the constant center of controversy. The problem with disciplining children on visitation is the constant underlying fear that they simply won't want to come back and the custodial parent will support that decision.

 

MAN! What a mess! Everyone from my family seems to be working against my marriage directly or carried along by the waves from the fight. My son is the last one and I really loathe to alienate him, but between these problems and the fact that my parents cause constant stress, my wife seems about ready to call it quits. This whole thing is toxic as hell. I've stood up and been disowned by my parents, now I stand to lose my son as well. It's heartbreaking! It really is.

[Ladyjane14]

There just doesn't seem to be enough of YOU to go around, Kenyth!

 

Your parents previous action of "disowning' you was unreasonable. You're a grown man, not a little boy. They've got no business trying to run your life. On top of that....this seems to be more of an issue of taste than one of sympathy. IOW, it's not so much that they think your wife is mean to you, but rather that they just don't like her influence on you. Probably the best way to handle the parents is to tell them....as politely as they'll let you...to mind their own.

 

Your wife will be feeling alot more supported once you've drawn up some boundaries concerning the in-laws. If your folks hadn't made such a fuss to begin with, your wife would still feel welcome in their home. The onus is on the host to make a guest feel welcome. They let a little insurance problem get the better of them, and now they've alienated their son's wife.

 

That said, your wife's behavior toward your 13 year-old is likewise unreasonable. It's unacceptable to mistreat a child. You're a 'package deal'. It's not like you sprung the existance of this child on her after the fact...."Oh btw, here's my son". Nope, she knew the deal before she married you.

 

Worst case scenario.....It's a stretch to pay child-support on two kids with different mothers, but better that than to have either of your children estranged from you.

 

If she's truly nervous about having the boy in the house, doesn't it just make better sense to heal the relationship rather than to continue pouring gasoline on it?

 

Rome wasn't built in a day though. So, take charge of your 13 year-old when he's in your home. Be the parent, discipline when you need to, but say "YES" whenever you can. (As parents, we sure do have to say "No" alot. ) Give him his own space there too. Your home IS his home, even though he doesn't live with you full time. That boy needs you in his corner EVERY DAY. His behavior is showing you that he's in trouble, and that he's not getting the emotional support he needs. He's not a miniature adult.

 

Meantime, don't leave your wife in a position that requires her to "parent" the boy in terms of administering discipline. That's YOUR job. Give her some space to back away from the conflict.

 

If she wants to protect her baby and her cat, try not to internalize her insecurity. Your boy truly HAS done some things to cause it, so don't penalize her for her feelings or tell her to 'get over it'. If you want to go the extra mile, ask her how you can help her feel more secure. If it's consistant with your parenting plan, then do it. If it's not, then lay your ears back and tell her 'No'.

 

Bottom line....you CAN divorce your wife. You can't divorce your kid. He's 13 and he needs you. There is NOTHING in your entire post that is more paramount than establishing a better relationship with your son. Your window of opportunity is closing quickly though. He'll be a man sooner than you think. You're in a position RIGHT NOW to help determine what kind of man he will be.

[EMJ]

He's acting like a typical 13 year old and so is your wife!

 

The way you describe makes her look like a nasty, selfish, shrew. Which she may well be.

 

"I sympathize this whole side of his family is a complete mess and he can probably pin it all too easily on my wife, who seems to find herself the constant center of controversy"

Your family, the one's who reared you and have alwayd loved you and your son ARE your real family.

 

It looks like your wife completely manipulative and selfish. Taking your insurance business away from your Mother hurt her income directly, is a monstrous sign of disrespect, and a huge sign of how freaking stupid this wife is. You should be ashamed of pacifying this narcissist at the expense of your larger family.

 

Why is she at the center of constant controversy? Looks like it's her way or the highway. That's not a marriage. It's a dictatorship.

Men who choose these second or third wives over their children disgust me. My Dad did it to me and my siblings. There was no contact for 10 years even though he lives very close. It was a knife in my heart to have my dad choose this vicious piece of crap over his own kids.

 

My daughter grew up without a grandfather as a result. There are 5 of us kids, we are all adults now, but none of them will have anything to do with him. The wife dumped him eventually, as shrews often do, and now he has very little family.

 

I'm mending the my relationship with him for my benefit not his. I told him that I didnt want the next time I saw him to be at his funeral. But we lost so much time and you can never get it back.

 

Your son NEEDS you. He also needs you to be a man and stand up to the shrew. He's doing these little passive aggressive things because he feels powerless and it's his only way of feeling some measure of control. He's the child, you are the ADULT!

 

You are making huge mistakes in trying to pacify this crazy woman. She clearly does not respect you OR your family. Maybe you need a separation for a awhile? Give her time to think about life without you, if she doesn't make any effort to change and grow up, then you know what you have to do. DO THE RIGHT THING. You owe it to your son & parents. This can be fixed YOU have the power to fix it. Good Luck.

[Kenyth]

Good posts in response. Two different viewpoints also. Don't think I'm constantly pacifying her. If I was, she wouldn't be mad. I have no intention of not seeing my son anymore. I do have an intention of taking her back to counseling again.

 

I am understandably confused. Both sides of the arguments acted badly IMHO. I get a TON of conflicting advice. Basically from what I can see, the wife takes precidence over the parents to a reasonable extent, the child takes precedence over the wife.

[EMJ]

Glad you could see the genuine concern in my post. I think you can win. I'm very happy you BOTH are getting counseling, it's likely the only way to heal your relationship.

 

I also hope your wife can learn to understand and respect your larger family. She does need to build a bridge to the rest of them. Maybe giving your insurance business back to your Mom will be a definte sign of wanting to move ahead to them that she's grown up and won't dwell on past mistakes.

 

She should also try to genuinely understand your son. And have some compassion. I would never want to be teenager again. I think it's worse for girls, constant mixed messages sent your way. Your wife will be the parent of a teenager someday. If she doesn't learn how to deal with them now, she'll have to learn it again when her baby gets there.

 

Your wife may take a certain precendence, but she should never, ever dictate your behavior or relationships with your family. Those issues and the contact with them should be pretty non negotiable. Holidays especialy.

 

Do you tell her how she MUST handle her family? Try that one and see the reaction you'll get.

 

Kenyth, it looks like you are willing to do the hard work. Good Luck!

[Ladyjane14]

I get a TON of conflicting advice.

 

I don't envy you the position you're in. It's like walking a tightrope...trying to please EVERYBODY (See Aesop's Fables. ). But you sound like an upright guy, and YOU know all the principle players.

 

So, why not choose your course in terms of meeting goals, and STOP listening to all the yammering in your ears? No matter what you do, SOMEBODY's gonna be pissed off anyway. At the end of the day, you only have to do the thinking and planning for you and your kids...everybody else is a grown-up and can "think and plan" for themselves.

 

 

Basically from what I can see, the wife takes precidence over the parents to a reasonable extent, the child takes precedence over the wife.

 

Personally, I think you're on the right track here. It's a balancing act...that's for sure. But if you keep your 'eye on the prize', your goals at the forefront...I think everybody else will eventually have to follow your lead.