do I support him as a friend or walk away from this?

[basil67]

1 hour ago, dahliasanddaisies said:

f we're digging, I can maybe shed some light on these things.  I apparently had 'behavioural issues' from a baby, which followed me through school.  Aggression, tantrums, didn't like loud noises/dark/being touched, wouldn't socialise with other children or sleep at night. 

 

You're more than a "little spectrumy".  No offense intended, my son is autistic and your words resonated.  There's no harm in owning it

[Acacia98]

On 11/7/2024 at 11:37 AM, dahliasanddaisies said:

Thanks for your viewpoint, it's a horrible thought when there are children involved. Unfortunately I have first hand experience myself with my ex, and have also seen the result of this up close. I'm sorry something similar happened to you with family, they're supposed to be your safety.

Thanks, @dahliasanddaisies. It is indeed horrible and sad. Hugs!

[Leihla_B]

12 hours ago, dahliasanddaisies said:

... I don't really know if therapy or whatever could really make that much of a difference.  I mean a deep difference.  Hence the interest in psych and human beings, the amazing bag of differences that we all are.

It's not wise to assume what an expert will say or do for us...I've been wrong about every self-diagnosis I've ever attempted, despite good research.

The difference between research and intellectual knowledge versus treatment from someone who is trained to treat can be enormous.

Yes, it's the preverbal times in our lives that anchor the deepest. I would consider working with someone who specializes in analysis rather than cognitive behavior therapy. The goal is not just to change behaviors, but rather, to uncover the drivers of attraction to inappropriate people--and actually rewire those.

The behaviors come second to the drivers.

[dahliasanddaisies]

On 11/9/2024 at 10:19 AM, basil67 said:

 

You're more than a "little spectrumy".  No offense intended, my son is autistic and your words resonated.  There's no harm in owning it

Well, I'm not really sure what to say to this.  I've not been diagnosed with anything further than a 'dyslexia-like dysfunction' when I was 24 affecting memory, focus and comprehension.  I have visited GPs twice in my life to ask for further assessment to no avail.  My family brought me up believing I was lazy and don't believe in learning disabilities or mental health issues.

I'm sorry to hear your son is autistic and I'm sure he has a supportive parent in you which will help him take on the world.  

[dahliasanddaisies]

23 hours ago, Leihla_B said:

It's not wise to assume what an expert will say or do for us...I've been wrong about every self-diagnosis I've ever attempted, despite good research.

The difference between research and intellectual knowledge versus treatment from someone who is trained to treat can be enormous.

Yes, it's the preverbal times in our lives that anchor the deepest. I would consider working with someone who specializes in analysis rather than cognitive behavior therapy. The goal is not just to change behaviors, but rather, to uncover the drivers of attraction to inappropriate people--and actually rewire those.

The behaviors come second to the drivers.

Thank you for the heads up.  What kind of person do you mean by someone who specialises in analysis please?

[basil67]

6 minutes ago, dahliasanddaisies said:

Well, I'm not really sure what to say to this.  I've not been diagnosed with anything further than a 'dyslexia-like dysfunction' when I was 24 affecting memory, focus and comprehension.  I have visited GPs twice in my life to ask for further assessment to no avail.  My family brought me up believing I was lazy and don't believe in learning disabilities or mental health issues.

I'm sorry to hear your son is autistic and I'm sure he has a supportive parent in you which will help him take on the world.  

Autism dx isn't necessarily a bad thing:  My bestie is on the spectrum.  She's super smart, is globally recognised in her field, quirky, kind and has a wonderful husband (who we suspect is also on the spectrum haha).  

If you're interested, I suggest you read through diagnostic criteria for women (women present quite differently to men) and see if you find yourself.  Most find an explanation for their 'quirks' to be really helpful. 

 

[dahliasanddaisies]

15 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Autism dx isn't necessarily a bad thing:  My bestie is on the spectrum.  She's super smart, is globally recognised in her field, quirky, kind and has a wonderful husband (who we suspect is also on the spectrum haha).  

If you're interested, I suggest you read through diagnostic criteria for women (women present quite differently to men) and see if you find yourself.  Most find an explanation for their 'quirks' to be really helpful. 

 

Haha it's funny how bird of a feather flock together.  I suspect that a lot of my friends are neurodivergent to a degree.  I do find myself in criteria I've looked at, but am also very aware of my limits in diagnosing myself too.  An explanation would change a lot of things, but I don't think there's any way to get assessed unless you pay privately.

[glows]

There are self assessments online too. I found them helpful. I was never assessed professionally and don’t feel I need to at this time of my life. I’m confident in who I am/ whatever I am. It’s ok if others don’t understand.

[dahliasanddaisies]

7 minutes ago, glows said:

There are self assessments online too. I found them helpful. I was never assessed professionally and don’t feel I need to at this time of my life. I’m confident in who I am/ whatever I am. It’s ok if others don’t understand.

Ok, thank you for mentioning.  It's not something I've ever talked with people about.  My dyslexia assessments my family always refused to read, and make jokes at my expense with my short term memory etc.  I avoid them where possible.  I suppose it helps to understand yourself because people will always judge.  I'm not as confident as you though, but it's nice to hear that you seem ok with it xx

[Leihla_B]

3 hours ago, dahliasanddaisies said:

Thank you for the heads up.  What kind of person do you mean by someone who specialises in analysis please?

Psychoanalysis and psychodynamic approaches include a focus on past experiences. This doesn't mean that behavioral therapies can't be integrated later, but I wouldn't make them my focus when shopping for a therapist.

[dahliasanddaisies]

7 hours ago, Leihla_B said:

Psychoanalysis and psychodynamic approaches include a focus on past experiences. This doesn't mean that behavioral therapies can't be integrated later, but I wouldn't make them my focus when shopping for a therapist.

Thank you very much xx

[ExpatInItaly]

Whatever your personal challenges may be, OP,  I would also put some energy into moving on and letting him go. 

You two have known each other for a while now and nothing has ever really gotten off the ground. If it hasn't happened by now, it is probably never going to. You have spent plenty of time and emotional currency on this man. You have tried.  Let this be your cue to finally put this to bed so you can find true happiness elsewhere. 

[glows]

17 hours ago, dahliasanddaisies said:

Ok, thank you for mentioning.  It's not something I've ever talked with people about.  My dyslexia assessments my family always refused to read, and make jokes at my expense with my short term memory etc.  I avoid them where possible.  I suppose it helps to understand yourself because people will always judge.  I'm not as confident as you though, but it's nice to hear that you seem ok with it xx

That’s all it is. Understanding yourself. The people who aren’t open to the concept or don’t want to understand, you’re just weeding them out for a more peaceful life. Stay focused on your goals.

[dahliasanddaisies]

7 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Whatever your personal challenges may be, OP,  I would also put some energy into moving on and letting him go. 

You two have known each other for a while now and nothing has ever really gotten off the ground. If it hasn't happened by now, it is probably never going to. You have spent plenty of time and emotional currency on this man. You have tried.  Let this be your cue to finally put this to bed so you can find true happiness elsewhere. 

I'm spending time daily reading and learning about as much as I can, and trying to keep myself going.  I have spent a lot of time on him, as he has me, but I'm learning to put myself first at the moment. 

[dahliasanddaisies]

5 hours ago, glows said:

That’s all it is. Understanding yourself. The people who aren’t open to the concept or don’t want to understand, you’re just weeding them out for a more peaceful life. Stay focused on your goals.

Thank you for the encouragement glows.  A peaceful focused life is goals indeed, and I hope that in a year's time life will have changed for the better and i'll be writing different messages.  I@ve heard it say that if you don't take lessons in life then you're doomed to repeat the same scenarios until you take the lesson and use it to grow and move on.  I'm hoping this is my time to grow past this and not repeat it again.

I do worry about him and wonder if he's doing ok, but he's just as much of an adult as me.  Letting go is a hard habit to kick.