Men, if you have a crush on another woman, and your wife notices, what do you say?

[kate678]

I was wondering what peoples’ opinions are on this…. 
 

Do you think lots of men grow to like a woman’s appearance rhe more time they spend with her, either in dating or spending time together before ir becomes romantic? Or do most men marry women who they thought were gorgeous initially the moment they first met them? 
 

 

[Gebidozo]

Personally, I never thought any woman gorgeous the moment I met them. To me, “gorgeous” implies more than just pure looks (and even pure looks have to undergo a certain test of time and situations). It’s the smile, the laughter, the expression of the eyes, the human qualities that are visible on the face, the grace with which a woman moves, dresses, does things, the way she talks, her intelligence, her humor, her hobbies and interests… in short, all those things that are impossible to notice the moment you first meet her.

My fiancée’s appearance definitely grew on me, from a “pleasant, cute, lovely, sweet” early impression to “the most beautiful woman in the world” now.

[Gaeta]

In general men need to 'like' the appearance of a woman from the get go for their feelings to grow. If he doesn't find you attractive then no, don't play his friend thinking with time and attachment he will feel attraction. 

[em2001ily]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

In general men need to 'like' the appearance of a woman from the get go for their feelings to grow. If he doesn't find you attractive then no, don't play his friend thinking with time and attachment he will feel attraction. 

What about the millions of men out there who are with a woman who doesn't look like what they would describe as their ideal type, or who doesn't look particularly conventionally attractive...not that all men are what society considers conventionally attractive either, but in most relationships the woman is more conventionally attractive.

Edited June 26, 2024 by em2001ily

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

In general men need to 'like' the appearance of a woman from the get go for their feelings to grow. If he doesn't find you attractive then no, don't play his friend thinking with time and attachment he will feel attraction. 

Yes, liking the appearance and being attracted is crucial. 

Perhaps more detail is needed here. OP, does the man in question think that you’re a nice person, but isn’t attracted to you physically? Then no, nothing can grow out of that.

Or is he attracted to you, but doesn’t shower you with compliments of your physical appearance? Then all is good, he doesn’t have to think that you are an eternal queen of beauty yet. But initial physical liking is a must, of course.

 

[Gebidozo]

21 minutes ago, em2001ily said:

What about the millions of men out there who are with a woman who doesn't look like what they would describe as their ideal type, or who doesn't look particularly conventionally attractive...not that all men are what society considers conventionally attractive either, but in most relationships the woman is more conventionally attractive.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. If a man truly loves a woman, he finds her gorgeous. It doesn’t matter how her appearance is evaluated according to the ever-changing aesthetic standards.

An “ideal type” is quite a murky concept, especially when applied solely to physical appearance.

 

[Gaeta]

20 minutes ago, em2001ily said:

What about the millions of men out there who are with a woman who doesn't look like what they would describe as their ideal type, or who doesn't look particularly conventionally attractive...not that all men are what society considers conventionally attractive either, but in most relationships the woman is more conventionally attractive.

Attraction is very personal. My bf finds me very attractive and my neighbor may thing l'm average or not his style. Some men like women tall, thin, blond other men prefer shorthy brunettes with a bit of meat on their bones (thank god lol).  But men do need that initial spark. Women experience attraction a bit differently. You know the saying : men fall in love with their eyes and women with their ears.

[basil67]

42 minutes ago, em2001ily said:

What about the millions of men out there who are with a woman who doesn't look like what they would describe as their ideal type, or who doesn't look particularly conventionally attractive...not that all men are what society considers conventionally attractive either, but in most relationships the woman is more conventionally attractive.

I suspect you experience a more shallow level of attraction.  Do you not know what it's like to be attracted to a man who isn't conventionally attractive?  Or grown to find someone attractive the more you get to know and care for them?

[mark clemson]

On 6/25/2024 at 3:42 AM, kate678 said:

Do you think lots of men grow to like a woman’s appearance rhe more time they spend with her, either in dating or spending time together before ir becomes romantic? Or do most men marry women who they thought were gorgeous initially the moment they first met them?

"Most" covers quite a bit of ground, and so I think the answer to your question is definitely NO. I think men's preference would be to marry a woman they find beautiful. but there are arranged marriages as well as, essentially, marrying someone because they're who is available. 

There is also a tendency to marry within one's "swim lane" in terms of attractiveness, so a less attractive man may indeed choose a less attractive women to marry rather than not be married at all.

It's also certainly true that women who are not overly physically attractive may have other great qualities (including but not limited to sexual ones, something important to many men) that make them quality partners a man can be content with.

For the second part of your question, I think it's harder to answer - I DO think there's a tendency to find someone more attractive as your feelings for them grow. However, I'm not sure there is something like a tendency on how that holds up over time, e.g. as women age, the relationship goes from it's early stages to later ones, etc. I suspect that by late middle age there are plenty of people (men AND women) who don't find their partner particularly attractive "anymore" yet nonetheless are happy to remain together.

[1HappyGoLucky]

I believe if a couple enter a relationship with no spark or sexual attraction to one another, it won't grow over time. They can make an effort to create attraction, but without a genuine underlying magnetism it would always be an effort. As you age together it becomes harder to find that attraction.

[basil67]

48 minutes ago, 1HappyGoLucky said:

I believe if a couple enter a relationship with no spark or sexual attraction to one another, it won't grow over time. They can make an effort to create attraction, but without a genuine underlying magnetism it would always be an effort. As you age together it becomes harder to find that attraction.

OP is talking about looks, not sexual attraction.   While for some people, looks are required for sexual attraction, for other people they looks and sexual attraction can operate independently

[em2001ily]

Do you say, 'oh, no, that other woman is ugly/not my type', or, 'she's just a nice woman, that's all', or something else?

 

Note - you just have a crush, find her physically attractive, you have no intention of acting on it.

[basil67]

Is this about the guy you're renting from?   Or is it a different married man you're crushing on?  What happened to make you ask this question?

 

[NuevoYorko]

I don't believe that happily married people get "crushes."  They can certainly notice that someone is attractive.  They can flirt.  They might even have extramarital sex, which pretty much makes them a bottom feeder, but anyway ... not a "crush."    

If the wife notices, sure.  They will try to make her feel comfortable and / or at the same time protect themselves.   

I too am wondering whether you're still in your little flirtation with the manager of your apartment , or you've connected with some new married man to flirt with.  

 

[em2001ily]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

Is this about the guy you're renting from?   Or is it a different married man you're crushing on?  What happened to make you ask this question?

 

No, it's not - just a general question. It doesn't have to be a married guy.

[em2001ily]

2 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

I don't believe that happily married people get "crushes."  They can certainly notice that someone is attractive.  They can flirt.  They might even have extramarital sex, which pretty much makes them a bottom feeder, but anyway ... not a "crush."    

If the wife notices, sure.  They will try to make her feel comfortable and / or at the same time protect themselves.   

I too am wondering whether you're still in your little flirtation with the manager of your apartment , or you've connected with some new married man to flirt with.  

 

Ahaha no, that has passed now.

[Gebidozo]

4 hours ago, em2001ily said:

Note - you just have a crush, find her physically attractive, you have no intention of acting on it.

Having a crush and finding someone physically attractive are two completely different things.

Finding a woman attractive is completely normal, and I wouldn’t deny it. Having an actual crush on a woman while being in a relationship with another is a symptom of serious problems in the relationship that require immediate attention. 

 

[NuevoYorko]

Why is this a concern of yours today?

[basil67]

A guy could say any number of things.  But more importantly, why are you asking?  

[ExpatInItaly]

Odd question. 

Care to provide more context as to why you're asking? 

[mark clemson]

I think it's possible to have a crush even if you're partnered and even if happily so. Strong "crushes" are trigged by brain chemistry and this capacity doesn't go away just because you're partnered. I suspect if you're in the first 5 years or so it would be VERY unlikely if you're happy with your (new/newish) partner. Beyond that, well... again, your brain works how it works.

If it was me, and I had no intention of ever acting on it, and my wife "noticed" I'd probably simply deny it/tell her she was wrong. Why open a huge can of worms that erodes trust and (depending on how the wife reacts/overreacts) quite possibly severely damages the relationship over what is essentially a nothing-burger?

I can really like music or other art or even have political views that my wife hates. That doesn't mean we have to have extended discussions about it. If this would never be acted on and is not impacting my desire to remain loyal to my wife, I don't see that much of a difference. She doesn't need to know all of my porn fantasies either. They are just "mental life" and I think it's normal for many if not the vast majority of us to keep at least some of it private, even from partners/spouses.

Edited July 25, 2024 by mark clemson

[Gebidozo]

3 hours ago, mark clemson said:

I think it's possible to have a crush even if you're partnered and even if happily so. Strong "crushes" are trigged by brain chemistry and this capacity doesn't go away just because you're partnered.

It doesn’t go away only if you cultivate it. And you cultivate it, knowingly or subconsciously, only if there are serious problems in your relationship. Having a crush on someone else becomes then a surrogate emotional outlet, a coping, defensive maneuver, an outward symptom of a disease.

When your relationship is good, when you’re happy and you truly love your partner, you can’t have a crush on anyone else. It would be an oxymoron, contradiction in terms.

[stillafool]

Some people need validation so much they fake attention in order to test their desirability from others.  They have no intentions of acting on what they are portraying.

[mark clemson]

17 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

It doesn’t go away only if you cultivate it. And you cultivate it, knowingly or subconsciously, only if there are serious problems in your relationship. Having a crush on someone else becomes then a surrogate emotional outlet, a coping, defensive maneuver, an outward symptom of a disease.

When your relationship is good, when you’re happy and you truly love your partner, you can’t have a crush on anyone else. It would be an oxymoron, contradiction in terms.

 

I disagree - I don't think your opinion takes into account how our brains work, particularly for people who are "in love" but have been together for multiple decades.

[Gebidozo]

 

7 hours ago, mark clemson said:

 

I disagree - I don't think your opinion takes into account how our brains work, particularly for people who are "in love" but have been together for multiple decades.

Quite on the contrary, my opinion is based exactly on how our brains work. When people are truly in love, they will satisfy their desire for renewed “crushes” with each other. They’ll fall in love with each other over and over again, reinvigorate their feeling. When something is wrong in a relationship and love is lacking, their brains will channel that desire outside, towards other people, even subconsciously and seemingly against their will and intentions.

I do mean only people who are in love. Not people who are “in love”.

Edited July 27, 2024 by Gebidozo