Pretttybug Posted November 1 Share Posted November 1 I don't know what is wrong with me, but I cannot for the life of me come to any decision about what I want to do. My boyfriend will be going on a five day trip to a city within europe. He will be visiting family members that live in the city and other family members will be flying in too. It will be a big gathering to celebrate a milestone birthday of a family member and another family members birthday. It will also be my birthday too. I honestly think it sounds a bit cool to spend my birthday abroad and in a different city and to have a little adventure. I have never visited my boyfriends family in this city before (even though he has) and it would nice to be able to share this experience with him and his family. I don't know if an opportunity will come up again. When he first asked me I was jumping for joy and desperate for my holiday request to be approved at work. I haven't travelled outside of this country in five years and it's something I've really been craving. My holiday request was denied at first, but now it has been approved. I haven't told my boyfriend that it has been approved 😢 because I still feel nowhere near near a decision. My boyfriend thinks my request was denied. I am flattered that my boyfriend has asked me to go. Our relationship has gotten very strained for the past couple of years and he has not wanted to travel with me. For example, he spent last christmas in this european city with his family and first of all he wanted me to go with him, but then he booked flights without telling me and suggested I make alternate plans for myself. It will be my birthday during the 5 day trip. I'm very worried that if I don't go I will have a weird day at home on my own and that I will feel horrible. My boyfriend and family will ask me what I did for my birthday and I will have no answer. I feel desperately sad about getting a year older and being so far away from the things I want in life. I am a desperately sad person. If I go on the trip, I will have to take 2 unpaid days off from my new job which I only started this month. I don't know how I feel about losing two full days worth of pay which will be about £200. On top of that I will need to pay for flights which are £200 minimum. At the same time, I'm not sure if the money should matter if I'm making happy memories. I have savings from an inheritance, but they have depleted massively the past few years. 40,000 has gone. It feels devastating and gut-wrenching. I feel sick just thinking about it. This is the part that is hard to write to strangers, I went through with an abortion five years ago to please my boyfriend. You know, a part of me thought that if i went through with it id get something back. I still haven't gotten over it and I never will. I'm unable to grieve, unable to have any resolution, unable to have any hope, unable to breathe. If i dont go I worry that im going to start feeling sad about missing out and not been able to travel with my boyfriend. That im really going to regret deciding not to go and im going to feel so daunted about spending my birthday alone and avoiding messages and calls. It is MY DECISION to make but yet it feels impossible. 😬😅 I'm worried about feeling bitter and completely alone in a room full of happy mothers and children. Everybody smiling and laughing and doting on the little children who will be at the centre of the trip. Im worried it will be too hard for me to be happy for other people. Im worried my boyfriend will pick up on this and call me selfish or something of the like. That ill feel pathetic,i already do. I feel left in the dark. Nobody understands how painful it is to have aborted the child I wanted to meet and to still not be able to have a child with my boyfriend of 11 years. Nobody understands how much it will hurt to see my boyfriend interacting with other children when we can't have our own. I'm sorry to write this and I fear I am showing that I am mentally ill, but one of the children was born in the same month and year that my child would have been due. With me turning 32, I can't help but worry about my future fertility which feels like a deep black hole after so many years have been and gone. Please just understand that it hurts. Like crazy. Its all I want. I don't want to be a resentful person but i have nothing to pull me out of it. Please just tell me what to do, the trip will be in 6 days. The flights are getting more expensive. I feel pathetic for unknowingly messing my boyfriend around like this, he thinks my holiday request was denied but turns out it was approved Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted November 1 Share Posted November 1 OP, your post makes me so sad. Please don't apologize for sharing your truth. To be honest, the first question that came to mind after I read your post was "Why are you still with your boyfriend?" 3 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 1 Share Posted November 1 I'll tell you what to do: Break up with him. You're clearly unhappy and have been for years. It's time to set yourself free for a fresh start at your life. While you're at it, examine the reasons why your 40,000 is gone and make some changes there too. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Leihla_B Posted November 1 Share Posted November 1 (edited) My heart goes out to you. I would skip the trip, work the days, and treat myself fabulously. I'd explore my potential interests online, including meetup.org, and create a plan for learning how to expand my social life beyond this going-nowhere boyfriend. I'd ditch him and make my life better. I'd make this birthday into a private goal of my own 'rebirth'. Consider classes or clubs to meet older people, as they will take you under their wing to mentor you and socialize you with their neighbors, their friends and communities. They can help you to find opportunities to volunteer or grow a passion for a talent you haven't discovered. Your whole future is yours to build once you stop squelching yourself for someone who doesn't appreciate you. Head high, and write more if it helps. Edited November 1 by Leihla_B 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted November 1 Share Posted November 1 I want to give you a big ((hug)). You sound so miserable. You are still young and able to start all over again. You've been with this man for 11 years and he can't even help you pay the trip to see his family!! I have a feeling that 40k was also used to support him. He's not worth your tears, love and money. Let him go by himself, keep your job, use the days off to move out. You can have a different life than this. You can have a real partner that supports you in all aspects of your life and with whom you can have children. We are responsible of who we bring into our lives. It's time for this man to exit your life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted November 2 Share Posted November 2 I’m sorry this is happening to you. Please don’t go on this trip. Use this time to be with yourself, treat yourself well, spoil yourself, do things you like, find your confidence again, and hopefully come to the conclusion that this is not the right relationship for you. There are so many things wrong with how your boyfriend has been treating you that I don’t know where to start. From telling you to do an abortion (regardless on anyone’s stand on it, I think everyone would agree that it should never be done to please the man) to not even being able to pay for your trip after so many years, especially when you’re tight on money, there are just too many things here that would make anyone miserable. It goes way beyond just this trip. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted November 2 Share Posted November 2 You've gotten good answers to your question. I just want to tell you that I feel your pain and sorrow and I want much better things for you in your future. They're obtainable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pretttybug Posted November 2 Author Share Posted November 2 I've had a rubbish day. Decided to go out to the city with the bf. What a mistake. There was a kid on the train having a meltdown on the train and upset at his mum. By boyfriend said 'little s***' outloud twice. It started of ok, but then we went for a drink in the pub. He was upset with me because i couldn't think of things to talk about. He sat across from me in a 'mood'. Then he commented 'god' as if he found me really boring. Other people around us were having lively engaging conversations but they were groups of friends 😬When we left he said "we don't really have things to talk about nowadays". The whole rest of the evening hes been in a funny mood. I can't be 100% lively in a pub when i work 40 hours get home at 7:20pm every evening. Why cant he give me any grace 🥹 A product he bought in the supermarket had a security tag on it, when we went in a second supermarket nearby i noticed there was a beeping noise. I asked him if he knew what he was and he said it was attached to the product in the first supermarket. I told him "oh right" or something and he said "well its because this city that we live in. Its s***" We were in the kitchen when we got home. He wanted to make a stew. He said he would do it himself. Well I was helping him to begin with i offered cause its late. He wanted me to prepare the beef, mix it with flour and seasoning. I used a big spoon to mix it because it was a big bowl and a lot of beef. He was making comments about my choice of spoon, asking me why i didn't use the smaller spoon that id used to add the flour in. That it would be more to wash up. Surely it is my choice of spoon if im using it. He was Berating me. He then went on to say that i do things without thinking ahead.🙄 I had to get out of the kitchen I just heard him in the kitchen "where the f*** is the knife". Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pretttybug Posted November 2 Author Share Posted November 2 (edited) Now ive just heard him say "nice one (my name) from the kitchen. Im upstairs in our bedroom. I dont know what its about i tidied up the kitchen for us befoere we went out today Then he said my name again What the f*** is going on Why is he causing so much stress Edited November 2 by Pretttybug Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pretttybug Posted November 2 Author Share Posted November 2 At the self check out in the supermarkey he told me i was in his way when i got there like two seconds before him Then told me id walked right through a family when i hadnt i was walking to the exit 😭 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pretttybug Posted November 2 Author Share Posted November 2 (edited) Is this abuse or something? There was more. Oh yeah we went to a food market, i was slow eating my food because it was a big portion and i was eating whilst standing which was a bit awkward. I just finish my food (you know after he had finished his) and the second i had finished he made some comment like 'i didnt want to spend all day in the market' what a joke 🤐 I don't think i can go out with somebody who is going to get into such a state and treat me in such ways when its supposed to be my weekens. My only 2 days off. I can't cope. Im a nice person, believe me Edited November 2 by Pretttybug Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 2 Share Posted November 2 Yes, his behaviour is intolerable. May I ask why you're still with him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pretttybug Posted November 2 Author Share Posted November 2 2 minutes ago, basil67 said: Yes, his behaviour is intolerable. May I ask why you're still with him? I don't even know any more. I deserve better. I wanted us both to get to our happy place. Hes upset at me because i haven't applied for any jobs this week but how can i when i get home 7:20pm and leave home at 7:40am for work. I need time to wind down and time to be me. I feel like im bashing my head against the wall. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pretttybug Posted November 2 Author Share Posted November 2 (edited) He commented 'little s***" out loud twice on the train to the little kid who was sitting across from us who was clearly having a hard time and a really bad day and was already struggling and upset and emotional. I dont know i just felt upset for the kid if he heard that Edited November 2 by Pretttybug Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pretttybug Posted November 2 Author Share Posted November 2 14 minutes ago, basil67 said: Yes, his behaviour is intolerable. May I ask why you're still with him? Like i just love him. I wanted us to have 'our kids'. Weve been together so long, like 12 years Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 2 Share Posted November 2 (edited) The way you speak about him doesn't sound like love. Rather, it sounds like you really don't like or respect him at all. And for the love of god, don't have kids with this man! Staying with him is your choice, but children deserve far better Can you tell me why you love him? What traits does he have which make him so lovable? Edited November 2 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted November 2 Share Posted November 2 You have way bigger problems here than the trip. May I gently suggest getting professional help? It sounds like this is far beyond our pay grade. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pretttybug Posted November 2 Author Share Posted November 2 (edited) 21 minutes ago, basil67 said: The way you speak about him doesn't sound like love. Rather, it sounds like you really don't like or respect him at all. And for the love of god, don't have kids with this man! Staying with him is your choice, but children deserve far better Can you tell me why you love him? What traits does he have which make him so lovable? Look have you read all what ive written above about our day today Im not exactly feeling anything I don't have any feelings Im sad that a saturday day out with my bf has to be and feel so complicated and convuluted Edited November 2 by Pretttybug Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 2 Share Posted November 2 Yes, I have read about your day today and it sounds intolerable. But kindly, if you want a better life, you will need to be proactive about getting away from him. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted November 2 Share Posted November 2 (edited) YES, you are in a full blown abusive relationship. You've been with him for 12 years so what he did was slowly destroy your sense of self worth. He did it little by little so you don't know you are being groomed to accept the abuse then there you are 12 years in a full blown abusive relationship and you're wondering if it's you the problem. He is a horrible man, absolutely horrible man that walks all over you. He has no respect for you, you're like the dust under his shoes to him. You are a punching bag to him. He would be a horrible father and he would also be abusive toward your children, just the way he is abusive toward you. He would crush their little souls with the monstruosity that he spits out of his mouth. You need to leave, period. You are not in love with this monster. You are in love with 'the man he could be' but he will never ever be that man. Call a domestic abuse hotline. Talk to them. Tell them you need help to leave. Edited November 2 by Gaeta 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 2 Share Posted November 2 @Pretttybug You speak of having no feelings. I can't help but wonder if you're suffering from clinical depression. Are you currently doing any therapy? Have you spoken to your doctor about how feeling so flat and struggling with inertia? I highly suggest you start doing both with a goal to finding the strength to leave. Do your friends and family know what's going on? Or has he already alienated you from them? Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted November 3 Share Posted November 3 (edited) 4 hours ago, Pretttybug said: Like i just love him. I wanted us to have 'our kids'. Weve been together so long, like 12 years I think you used to love him, but his abusive behavior has slowly destroyed your love. And now you’re staying with him not because you still love him, but because of the “sunken cost” fallacy: you’ve been together so long, you wanted to have kids, you invested so much into this relationship emotionally, mentally, physically, financially, and so on. It’s very hard to give up on something that we’ve invested into so much for so long, but sometimes it simply must be done. You’re unhappy in this relationship. He is unhappy. Why not set yourselves free? Edited November 3 by Gebidozo 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted November 3 Share Posted November 3 We get the picture..... this guy treats you like absolute crap and this relationship is awful. It's way past time to end this relationship. There's nothing left to do but face that and get away from this guy. You sound like you have some very serious clinical depression and spiraling anxiety. It's time to get professional help. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted November 3 Share Posted November 3 9 hours ago, Pretttybug said: Look have you read all what ive written above about our day today Im not exactly feeling anything I don't have any feelings Im sad that a saturday day out with my bf has to be and feel so complicated and convuluted We've read what you've written above. Have you read all of what everyone has written above? What do you think about their words? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pretttybug Posted November 3 Author Share Posted November 3 (edited) Well thats it im not going on the trip Its a shame because i would have liked to travel, but itd probably be really trigerring. Id be the only person feeling grief in a room full of a big happy family How am i supposed to let go? When my baby woulve been my parents only grandchild My only child The child would have had traits from each family member we would have felt like we would have always known them When 12 years of my fertility have gone When im going to be 32 going on 33 Its hurts so much My birthday is triggering everything each year its just a reminder of what i dont have and another year of eggs gone It sounds ridiculous but ive been in this relationship for 12 years my only relationship ive put effort in in my owns ways even if im in a shitty career situation Its suffocating I dont know if i can do a relationship anymore when im just going to hurt all the time and always have the same thoughts Maybe its better i just go and live for myself Sick of my boyfriend railroading me after 12 years Birthdays are getting impossible christmas is getting impossible holidays are getting impossoble i dont even want to go to gatherings with his family anymore because i know id probbaly feel alone and empty id have no feelings Edited November 3 by Pretttybug Link to post Share on other sites
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