Should I Hook-up with "ex" MM???

[ahotmess]

Wanting some opinions.....do you think it is possible to just sleep with my "ex-MM"? Maybe if we had different rules....like no contact unless it's just to arrange a meeting. I mean is that possible? To elimanate the feelings/friendship now that it is established. Or is it really harmful to just sleep with someone that you love...but there is no future with him?

 

Maybe I am just reaching for anything I can get right now? Meaning I don't really want to let him go.

 

Help!

[damwinston]

Go find someone that cares for you and only you.

dammy

[ahotmess]

I know the right answer....but I am soo lonely...not as if I were'nt lonely when I was "with" MM, but even so....Uugghhh this sucks...and I'm finding it hard to even see other men b/c I think about him. And it seems like its been months since I've seen him, it's only been weeks...two to be exact!

 

And damwinston...that is an awesome turtle avatar you have!!!!!

[Brianschick]

ahotmess,

Ummm, if you really do love him then you should just stay away from him until he is out of your system. Hard to do but best for now.

I have a mm I see too. I don't love him though...ours is purely sexual.

But once the feelings come in ..it's time to move on.

[ahotmess]

Brianschick-

 

Just be careful...ours was purely sexual at first as well...now I am the one to pick up the pieces....while he's gettin a piece of whatever in his marriage. I am devasted and never intended for feelings to be involved...I know how contradictory this is to my post....but he is like a drug....and maybe if I can't really have him, I can have him in other ways?

[whichwayisup]

....and maybe if I can't really have him, I can have him in other ways?

 

Not now...Until you stop using him as a drug. The feelings and all those intense feelings he brings out in you have to completely go away if any sort of casual friendship could take place. I don't believe that it's possible because of how intensely you feel for this MM. You'll still be feeding from him, feeding your heart and probably prevent you always from fully sharing your heart with another man.

[goingforgold]

**hugs**

 

This really must be a terrible time you're going through and you were doing so well with n/c

 

Its really up to you and you must do what you think is right and the best for you.

 

But sleeping with someone you still love/have feelings for isnt always the best idea, as it wont ever be just sex, you'll always be wanting more, and when you dont get more from him you'll be devestated.

 

U might be able to use it to your advantage if he loves you....so i guess the question is does he love you??

I know it sounds bad and all but if he does love you, you might be able to try and "hook" him up thru the sex, not a good idea i know, but sometimes when u love someone u just cant see right from wrong, and in your time of need u dont care who gets hurt, u just want that person, and will do anything to have them, even when it means doing things u wouldnt normally do.

 

Goodluck, i hope it all works out for the best.

[EMJ]

You were doing so well, but it does take time, months likely.

 

I know it's hard, but it seems like you aren't fighting very it much at this point. There are no good "options" other than NC.

 

Honestly, if I thought this would be good for you I'd say go for it.

 

"Or is it really harmful to just sleep with someone that you love...but there is no future with him?"

 

Yes, it's completely and totally harmful to you. It will set you back and waste a lot of your time. It's never good to sleep with someone in a one sided situation. Remind yourself, it's a choice to love someone and a choice not to love someone, you have lots of control over how you view this situation.

 

He'll have a good time and you will feel pretty crappy when it's over, still be hurt, still be alone, and kick yourself for backsliding. You will feel worse than lonely if you continue thinking this way.

 

Hon, you really can't win this one. You know it. But you have been so strong before.

You know you have it in you to get over him in time.

 

Your NC was a very smart move. Keep doing smart things. There are a lot of good things out there once you get him out of your system. Be strong!

[lauraandbrats]

Never feels the same trust me done it HURTS YOU MORE nowing u have not got her anymore and no cuddle after that hurts 2

[ahotmess]

Thank you all soo much for the encouragement. I broke down yesterday and sent him a text. Something pitiful like " I want you to know how much I miss you" or something to that tune anyways. He responded. "I know just how you feel. It sucked seeing you the other day...but not getting to "see"you" Or something like that.

 

I miss him more the past few days than I ever have. A huge part of me keeps say that I know this is a situation I have brought upon myself, but evenso it sucks. I am wondering so much if I should just keep seeing him.

 

I know I shouldn't.

 

Again thankyou all so very much for the encouraging words and understanding. I need that soo much right now. You are all beautiful!!!!

[cherrie498]

By texting him after you have agreed to NC, due to him not being able to leave his W is just showing him that you are willing to bend, that you will settle. You are not only not respecting his current situation you are also not respesting yourself.

I understand that you feel like you love him & I am sure he feels the same, but dont compormise yourself for a second of releif from the pain.

 

Do not see him, as hard as that is, NC....stands for NO CONTACT!!!

Be strong & make this a positive experience!

Its hard but possible!

 

GOOD LUCK!

[My_Other_I]

I agree with what's been said.

 

Unless you are completelly detached from him emotionally, you will only keep digging a deeper grave for yourself.

 

You sleep with him, let's say, once a week.

The first week feels great and you feel like you live again and feel happy. Then the second week approaches and you sleep with him again. This time you maybe hope for some nice words and some good old times talk.

You keep thinking about him constantly.

The longer that goes on the more your life is about it/him. You will dread all 6 days and just survive those, waiting for those few hours you might be able to spend with HIM.

The longer the situation is ongoing the more dissapointment you will feel. You start living a dream, a fantasy, you hope for more - 'more' that's never going to come.

 

Stay away from him for now. The pain you are feeling now will be much shorter than the pain you would be dealing with while still sleeping with him. I am not even going to mention the self-doubt you might be going through during that time.

 

Love is a choice we make. It is not a feeling. You need to come to love yourself first and become comfortable and happy with who you are, then you can choose a partner to love. An available one. One you deserve, not one that deserves you.

 

If you can live your life fully and happilly and take those meeting for what they are, if you know that it is a little fun/bonus that can enhance your week, then I say go for it. Just make sure your life/thoughts are not about those few hours a week - that would be a complete waste of time and energy.

Be strong.

[Torn Up]

Wanting some opinions.....do you think it is possible to just sleep with my "ex-MM"? Maybe if we had different rules....like no contact unless it's just to arrange a meeting. I mean is that possible? To elimanate the feelings/friendship now that it is established. Or is it really harmful to just sleep with someone that you love...but there is no future with him?

 

Maybe I am just reaching for anything I can get right now? Meaning I don't really want to let him go.

 

Help!

 

 

Hotmess....do NOT contact him. I know how hard this is for you, believe me I know! I'm on 3 weeks of NC with my ex-MM and I too am struggling to stay away from him. And it certainly doesn't help matters having to see him at work.

 

To think that you can have a "casual" sexual relationship with him is a fool's game. Do you honestly believe you can continue to see this man while keeping your feelings/heart at a distance? C'mon, now. You know better. Just as I do everytime the urge to call/email him strikes me. And the past 2 days have been rough...I've had to muster every drop of strength within me to refrain from contacting him.

 

Look, the truth is you and I provided a need for these 2 men. But are they providing OUR need to be cherished, loved, honored? No, they have not nor will they ever. And they knew this when they hooked us into a relationship with them.

 

It was a sweet deal for them. They've got the stability of wifey and home, PLUS...a woman in the shadows (you and me) to play with when the notion hits them.

 

I don't know about you, but I want more than that in my life. I deserve more, and so do you.

 

But if we don't have enough respect for ourselves to demand more, to continue to accept our "back burner" status, then how can we expect THEM, or anybody else for that matter, to respect us?

 

It's time to walk away and begin the healing process. And in doing so, we regain our pride and self-respect.

 

And as long as we have that, then we have lost very little.

 

And hopefully, we have learned and will grow from this.

 

Chin up, girl!

 

~Torn~

[Sami_D]

Hello ahotmess.

 

Sorry I've not been keeping up with your story, but I've been trying to avoid the Greek Chorus of Loveshack over the Christmas period to preserve my own sanity

 

What you're trying to do is save yourself some short-term pain, by opting for long-term misery. The choice is yours... but you know what would be best for you. New Year... new start..?

[newbby]

it has taken me about 3 months to COMPLETELY get over mm. it was easier this time because he turned into a very horrible person towards the end, or rather he showed his true colors more. its only after a long time of nc that you realise just how stressful the situation was.

i think 2 weeks is a very short time to be expecting any improvement, it takes awhile. what sami says is true, its short term vs long term.

stick it out, it will be worth it.

[BUTAFLY]

With a dildo and a little imagination you can have sex with him over and over again, who will ever know:confused:

[ahotmess]

This situation is just "wrong". I mean one minute I am completely fine without him (like now yay) but the next I am jonesing him so badly. We haven't remained NC. A few texts here and there "oh I miss you" or whatever. And I do miss him. But my feelings are starting to go away. I realize now that maybe he isn't as wonderful as I made him out to be. Maybe I do deserve better. I now pick and chose as to when I respond to his texts. I am trying to move on....no no...I am moving on. I guess all this just takes alot of time.

[whichwayisup]

Maybe I do deserve better

 

OFCOURSE you deserve better!!! But I know right now your heart isn't ready for that someone else.

 

And I do miss him. But my feelings are starting to go away. I realize now that maybe he isn't as wonderful as I made him out to be.

 

And that is OK. Miss him and just remember you are better off without him. It will hurt, just like any other breakup, but it is for the best. Maybe one day you will look back with a smile, remember what he brought into your life (the good stuff and what you learned) but never act upon the emotions of missing him.

 

Seeing him in a different light now is healthier for you and more realistic of the situation.

 

AND...You say your feelings are slowly getting less...Well, time will take care of the rest. The more you don't think about him, see or talk to him, the less you will continue to feel for him. That is all good and THEN you can go on, and know that you will find someone else who will love and be with just you.