Getting dumped by email

[reservoirdog1]

This happened to me last week. Had been dating a woman for about seven weeks. Things seemed to be going great -- fun, romance, good sex, good talk. She went away for Christmas to see her family between the 17th and 28th of December. Right before she left, we exchanged Christmas presents -- it wasn't totally clear that we'd be doing so (we weren't declared exclusive yet) but we'd both thought to buy the other a gift, of a similar "monetary magnitude." By the end of that evening, we'd declared ourselves to be an "us".

 

Over that ten days, we exchanged many flirty, sexy emails. Spoke on the phone a number of times. She referred to me as her boyfriend in one such email (about midway through the trip).

 

Anyway, she gets back to town, and we go to a movie. Get out about 11, and on the way out, she mentions that she'd committed to plans with her best friend for later that night (she'd just seen her the night before). This was the first time she'd told me.

 

I'd made plans to get together with friends the following evening, and had asked her if she wanted to come too. She'd been kind of non-committal, but she ended up coming. Was kind of quiet and withdrawn, "got a headache" around 11, and I took her home. Left her there (no sex or anything) and that was it.

 

To digress for a sec... on a couple of occasions -- including the night out with my friends -- we'd had flirty, funny conversations about "power" in relationships. (When we'd first met, she'd been reading a book called "The 48 Laws of Power".) The conversation on the night out with friends was pretty forced, overall -- she just didn't seem interested in being there.

 

Next morning -- the AM of the 31st -- I woke up to an email. It said that, after the previous evening, it was clear we were looking for different things in a partner, that she was sure there was a great girl out there who'd give me "all the power I need", and wished me all the best.

 

To tell you the truth, I'd been wondering what was going on based on the whole late-night-plans-after-the-movie thing. What completely surprised me, however, were two things: the "all the power I need" comment, and the fact that she'd dumped me by email.

 

I wasn't hurt so much as pissed off. I replied to the email, telling her that her stated justification was clearly a cop-out, that there was nothing in being dumped that I couldn't handle since I'd had it done and done it to others before her, and that to break it off with me by email was cowardly. End of message. Final communication of any kind.

 

(I guess in retrospect my reply by email makes me look like a hypocrite, but honestly I wouldn't have had difficulty telling her all that to her face -- but at that moment I was pissed and figured that if I was only worth an email, so was she.)

 

Anyway, I'm still weirded by the whole thing. All I can conclude is that she's a flake or something, given the sudden change from something to nothing.

 

Anybody experienced something similar?

 

Anybody else think breaking up by email is cowardly?

[SmoochieFace]

Never experienced it but my opinion is that breaking up via e-mail is quite spineless and tacky. She is obviously a coward for not being able to talk to you in person.

[Ladywithafan]

I heard that thing among teenagers these days was to break up by text messaging. Taking that into account, breaking up by email follows the same line. Inability for face to face communication. We hide behind everything today...our phones, our computers, our drugs, our tinted windows...

 

If someone broke up with me over the computer, I'd figure it wasn't worth worrying about.

[Yamaha]

Very cowardly. Lack of respect for the other person, especially if you have been dating awhile.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

I think if you met online, and most of your communication is online either by email or text msg or whatever, I wouldn't feel so bad breaking up that way.

 

I would consider it but I would never do it if it was in fact a gf/bf relationship. I would also have a very difficult time getting the words out but would muddle through it somehow.

 

She was most likely afraid of your immediate reaction or trying to do the right thing by her standards, and giving you time to think before you react.

 

I'm not sure what you consider her "justification"...is it the part where she said you were looking for different things? When I break up I never give the reason to be something about 'him'...cuz well, we all know it's all about me.

 

Seriously, though she doesn't know and can't tell you what you need. I can't stand the break ups where the one person tries to put words and reasons into the other person's mouth like "I'm not your type" or "I'm not what you need"...know what i mean?

[alphamale]

after seven weeks there is no commitment and really no explanation necessary to break up with someone. I've dated women for 3 or 4 months and then totally blown them off without any explanation whatsoever.

 

No explanation or even notification is required to break up unless both parties have already agreed to be an exclusive couple.

 

If she sent me that email I would not have even responded.

[JS17]

Well she definitely sucks. Her explanation was rediculous.

 

I have to say though, at least an email is less cowardly than the disappearing act which seems to be so prevalent these days.

[SmoochieFace]

I have to say though, at least an email is less cowardly than the disappearing act which seems to be so prevalent these days.

 

You have a point there... the disappearing and avoiding shyt really sux!

[CaliGuy]

No offense but it's 7 weeks and I think there was something else bothering her besides the 'power' issue. Either way, she's still a coward for not discussing anything. She definitely has communication issues.

[ohzee]

I was dumped via e-mail as well. It was a lengthy, well thought out, (must have taken her hours to write), caring, complimentary, yet swift kick in the nuts. I have thought about it many times and my conclusion was that one, she couldn’t have rehearsed all the commentary and delivered as well in person. Two the guilt she carried with her decision would have made it impossible to not fall apart and consequently take back her true intentions….to dump me. Yes I think it is very coward of her, particularly like in your case things were perfect 24 hours before. The fact is which ever method they chose, it worked. She still dumped me.

[reservoirdog1]

No explanation or even notification is required to break up unless both parties have already agreed to be an exclusive couple.

Well, we'd done that. We were exclusive.

 

If she sent me that email I would not have even responded.

I contemplated not responding at all, but I'm a bit of a spleen-venter by nature.

 

No offense but it's 7 weeks and I think there was something else bothering her besides the 'power' issue.

Oh, I agree completely. That's why I told her the power issue was a cop-out. I've been accused of many things in my life, but megalomania isn't one of them. My guess is there's somebody else, or she blew somebody while she was away, or something similar.

 

Oh well... Onward and upward!

[Art_Critic]

My guess is there's somebody else, or she blew somebody while she was away, or something similar.

 

 

I agree with this.. I didn't want to say anything until you did..

 

She found somebody that tripped her trigger more...

 

Sorry..

[johan]

Just my opinion on things like this: I would try not assume anything about why she did it. I am generally surprised by how different the truth behind people's actions is from what I came up with on my own. The only truth you have is that she changed her attitude really quickly and made it clear she didn't want more.

 

The hardest thing for me in these cases is to keep from taking it personally and to maintain the confidence to try again.

[reservoirdog1]

Agreed, johan... that's why my approach has been to brand her a flake. Since I have no information beyond that, it's been much easier to accept that it may have been nothing I did, and not be hurt or suffer loss of confidence.

[riobikini]

Dear reservoirdog1,

 

She is a Flake.

 

Delete the email.

 

Take someone else to a movie.

 

(Smile)

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[gfto]

I definitely wouldn't have replied to the e-mail. Or, you could have just written back, "you know, I was thinking the same thing. What a relief! Keep in touch."

 

I have a different theory as to what might have happened though. I think all the e-mails and phone calls during the 10 days you were apart might have actually turned her off, particularly after only seven weeks. It's anti-challenge. Just out of curiosity, which one of you brought up being exclusive? I'm willing to bet that it was you. Again, anti-challenge.

[Adunaphel]

Anybody experienced something similar?

 

Anybody else think breaking up by email is cowardly?

 

I was dumped via text message once, I found it a horrible thing to do, and we hadn't been dating for so long a time as you did!

I think that to break up with you via email was a rotten thing to do.

 

From the way she behaved during your last two dates, it sounds like she had already decided to break up with you before getting back to town.

 

Your description of the way she acted gives me the idea that nothing you could have said or done in those two occasions would have made her change her mind, because she had already decided you were not the person for her.

 

My guess is that she temporized, tried to see if she could gather up the courage(or create a convenient occasion) to tell you the bad piece of news in person, and then chose the cowardly, spineless way to break the news to you.

 

reservoirdog, I am sorry that it happened to you, you sound like a great guy (I used to read a lot of your posts in this forum) and you deserve much better than that.

[reservoirdog1]

you sound like a great guy (I used to read a lot of your posts in this forum) and you deserve much better than that.

Thanks, Adunaphel... I appreciate that. And you're right... I am a great guy. Modest too.

 

I have a different theory as to what might have happened though. I think all the e-mails and phone calls during the 10 days you were apart might have actually turned her off, particularly after only seven weeks. It's anti-challenge. Just out of curiosity, which one of you brought up being exclusive? I'm willing to bet that it was you. Again, anti-challenge.

Well, exclusivity was established the last time we saw each other before she went away. We'd just finished watching a movie at her place. Retired to the bedroom, started fooling around. She'd said in an email earlier that day, "don't forget to bring mistletoe tonight. " So I told her I hadn't brought mistletoe, but I'd brought something else. Gave her the Xmas gift I'd bought. Without opening it, she ran out of the room and came back with an Xmas gift for me. Similar monetary value, whatever that means. We cuddled, did what came naturally. As we were lying there in the afterglow, she said that her best friend wanted to have us over for dinner on New Year's Day. I responded, "hmm... are we now an 'us'?" She answered, "I'd like that."

 

She went away on her trip. At least half of the emails were initiated by her. Including the one in which she referred to me as her boyfriend.

 

Anyway, hopefully this doesn't sound like I'm dwelling -- I probably am a bit, but I also have a very good recall of little details. Not sure if any of the above translates into the anti-challenge thing or not. It probably does.

 

Ah well... I've learned something new every time I've gone through this.

[alphamale]

I responded, "hmm... are we now an 'us'?" She answered, "I'd like that."

Unfortuantely RD1, this does not constitute a discussion and mutual agreement of exclusivity. This discussion is always brought up by the female and usually not until dating for at least 2 to 3 months (assuming the man had done everything right). Then the couple sits down for a good hour or so and discusses how the relationship has been so far and what expectations are for the future and that you both won't f*** other peopel. This is usually referred to as the "talk".

 

Including the one in which she referred to me as her boyfriend.

the above means nothing unless you've had the "talk" i've referred to above.

[gfto]

I agree with alpha. You two didn't decide to be exclusive at all. In fact, in her mind, you two were never exclusive. Asking her "are we now an 'us'?" was definitely anti-challenge. And her response, "I'd like that," is lukewarm at best. As alpha pointed out, you have nothing until you've made it past two months with her. If you're doing everything right, then she will let you know when it's time to be exclusive. You have to always keep it light and funny. When she mentioned that her friend wanted to have you two over for New Years, you should've said to her, in a humorous/joking tone, "New Years'?! Are you sure? We're moving kind of fast here aren't we?" Make her work for it a little bit. Challenge.

 

In any event, as you already know, Ms. E-mail is finished with you, so forget about her. With the next girl, don't ask her about being exclusive. She will bring up being exclusive when the time is right.

[Adunaphel]

I responded, "hmm... are we now an 'us'?" She answered, "I'd like that."

 

What did you reply, then?

 

I'm asking because if was asked such a question by a guy I'm interested in, I might answer exactly in the same way.

 

What I'd mean is "I'd like that, and if depended on me, the answer would be yes.". I'd hope to hear the hypotetical interesting guy say "I'd like that, too", so we could have "the talk".

 

If after my "I'd like that" the subject was dropped, I'd feel disappointed and possibly a little hurt, and I'd start worrying about him not wanting a committed relationship with me.