How much does someones past matter?

[GrantB]

I know it’s pretty much standard to not pry into someone’s past but surely that has its limits.

I divorced 10 years ago after marrying far too early and then spent time working on myself until I met what I thought was my soulmate 4 years ago.

I moved across the other side of the country because she wanted to be close to her family and friends, shut my business and opened a new one and made it successful. Built a new home. She quit her job and stayed at home because, well because she could. She did help with a lot of my paperwork though.

Look, it was great. I don’t want to come across as misogynistic but she was perfect lady in public and you know what in the bedroom. She cooked, she cleaned, I was happy. I thought I had struck gold.

Now I knew she was no saint but what I’ve come to find out has shaken me to the core. Basically she worked in the adult entertainment industry in a not so mainstream area for a few years according to an online bio. It looks like she got out right around when we met. There’s still a lot of stuff out there that can be found although given it’s not mainstream it’s not likely many people will come across it unless they specifically look. Then it comes to light that she used to meet fans and I’m just in an area I’m uncomfortable with. Her body count is downright scary and I'm sure there's stuff I don't know about, I've been too scared to look. The stuff she did I could deal with in private but in public and with so many, I just can’t pretend I don’t know.

So I guess what I’m asking is that am I right to hold her past against her given she’s been nothing but perfect for me ever since we met? To be honest I really wish I didn’t know but I do and I can’t unknow it.

I’ve been holding this in for a week now and today she sat me down and wanted to talk because she said she could sense something was off and was worried about me. I couldn’t tell her. I just couldn’t say it. I don’t even know if I should or if I want to.

I ask myself the question of whether I would have started a relationship with her if I knew what I know now. I don’t think I would have. But equally she probably knew that too and maybe that's why she didn’t share, don’t ask, don’t tell I guess. I sort of begrudgingly respect that. I just don’t know whether I’m strong enough to acknowledge the past but compartmentalize it as the past and just focus on how good our recent times have been.

Any thoughts or guidance will be graciously received.

Please don't ask for details about what it is. I only shared what I had to for a reason.

[Acacia98]

I think you should talk to her about what you've found. If she actually has a public profile out there about this stuff, she has to have been aware that you might one day stumble on it 

[glows]

How did you find out? Were you looking for porn? And second, how do you know her “body count”? I’m unfamiliar with those sites. 

It’s probably unlikely things will get better until you both are honest with each other. 

[ShyViolet]

You have a right to be uncomfortable with it, it's not wrong to choose not to date someone because of something like this.  But now you're already in a relationship with this person so you have a decision to make.  First and foremost you need to have an honest conversation with her and let you know that you know all this.  Otherwise you're just going to keep acting super weird around her and keeping this "secret".  You can't go on like that.  Just have an open conversation and see how she reacts and then it will be easier for you to make a decision on what to do next.

[Gaeta]

How long ago was that past? How did you find out if her info is not showing up in the mainstream search? Were you specifically searching her past and why? Or were you searching the 'entertainment' industry for yourself?

Before making some rush judgement why don't you talk to her about it, then give yourself a little bit of time to see how that sits with you. If you remain uncomfortable than it's better for both of you to breakup. If you push yourself to live with discomfort you will only accumulate resentment. 

Whether this relationship last or not, she needs to hire one of those companies that will erase her presence on the net. Not everything in our past should follow us. 

Edited Tuesday at 04:11 PM by Gaeta

[smackie9]

She's no idiot...she knows the majority of people would have an issue with this so she wouldn't be surprised if you said something about it. Your best approach is to communicate to her how you feel, and then see where it takes you.