How much does someones past matter?

[GrantB]

I know it’s pretty much standard to not pry into someone’s past but surely that has its limits.

I divorced 10 years ago after marrying far too early and then spent time working on myself until I met what I thought was my soulmate 4 years ago.

I moved across the other side of the country because she wanted to be close to her family and friends, shut my business and opened a new one and made it successful. Built a new home. She quit her job and stayed at home because, well because she could. She did help with a lot of my paperwork though.

Look, it was great. I don’t want to come across as misogynistic but she was perfect lady in public and you know what in the bedroom. She cooked, she cleaned, I was happy. I thought I had struck gold.

Now I knew she was no saint but what I’ve come to find out has shaken me to the core. Basically she worked in the adult entertainment industry in a not so mainstream area for a few years according to an online bio. It looks like she got out right around when we met. There’s still a lot of stuff out there that can be found although given it’s not mainstream it’s not likely many people will come across it unless they specifically look. Then it comes to light that she used to meet fans and I’m just in an area I’m uncomfortable with. Her body count is downright scary and I'm sure there's stuff I don't know about, I've been too scared to look. The stuff she did I could deal with in private but in public and with so many, I just can’t pretend I don’t know.

So I guess what I’m asking is that am I right to hold her past against her given she’s been nothing but perfect for me ever since we met? To be honest I really wish I didn’t know but I do and I can’t unknow it.

I’ve been holding this in for a week now and today she sat me down and wanted to talk because she said she could sense something was off and was worried about me. I couldn’t tell her. I just couldn’t say it. I don’t even know if I should or if I want to.

I ask myself the question of whether I would have started a relationship with her if I knew what I know now. I don’t think I would have. But equally she probably knew that too and maybe that's why she didn’t share, don’t ask, don’t tell I guess. I sort of begrudgingly respect that. I just don’t know whether I’m strong enough to acknowledge the past but compartmentalize it as the past and just focus on how good our recent times have been.

Any thoughts or guidance will be graciously received.

Please don't ask for details about what it is. I only shared what I had to for a reason.

[Acacia98]

I think you should talk to her about what you've found. If she actually has a public profile out there about this stuff, she has to have been aware that you might one day stumble on it 

[glows]

How did you find out? Were you looking for porn? And second, how do you know her “body count”? I’m unfamiliar with those sites. 

It’s probably unlikely things will get better until you both are honest with each other. 

[ShyViolet]

You have a right to be uncomfortable with it, it's not wrong to choose not to date someone because of something like this.  But now you're already in a relationship with this person so you have a decision to make.  First and foremost you need to have an honest conversation with her and let you know that you know all this.  Otherwise you're just going to keep acting super weird around her and keeping this "secret".  You can't go on like that.  Just have an open conversation and see how she reacts and then it will be easier for you to make a decision on what to do next.

[Gaeta]

How long ago was that past? How did you find out if her info is not showing up in the mainstream search? Were you specifically searching her past and why? Or were you searching the 'entertainment' industry for yourself?

Before making some rush judgement why don't you talk to her about it, then give yourself a little bit of time to see how that sits with you. If you remain uncomfortable than it's better for both of you to breakup. If you push yourself to live with discomfort you will only accumulate resentment. 

Whether this relationship last or not, she needs to hire one of those companies that will erase her presence on the net. Not everything in our past should follow us. 

Edited November 5 by Gaeta

[smackie9]

She's no idiot...she knows the majority of people would have an issue with this so she wouldn't be surprised if you said something about it. Your best approach is to communicate to her how you feel, and then see where it takes you. 

[Gebidozo]

My stance in these matters might be unpopular, but, for what it’s worth, here it is.

In serious committed relationships, I’m a big believer in complete honesty and transparency when it comes to our pasts. I think that if you truly love a person and have a great relationship, you can learn to accept their past, no matter how “scary” it is. I’ve done some very dubious things myself and it would be sheer hypocrisy of me not to accept my partner’s past.

That said, if you really absolutely can’t handle your partner’s past, find another partner whose past you can handle. She deserves to be with someone who accepts her entirely. 

[GrantB]

On 11/5/2024 at 11:08 PM, glows said:

How did you find out? Were you looking for porn? And second, how do you know her “body count”?

A mate actually found her, well her thought it was someone that looked a nit like her and sent it to me as a joke.  She did look quite different, I realized pretty quick mainly because of a tattoo where no-one else would see it.

As for her body count, well I really don't know, but based on the 11 videos she made according to the site of which I watched only 3, the number is significant.

[GrantB]

On 11/6/2024 at 3:10 AM, Gaeta said:

How long ago was that past? How did you find out if her info is not showing up in the mainstream search? Were you specifically searching her past and why? Or were you searching the 'entertainment' industry for yourself?

She apparently stopped around the time she met me.  As for how I found out see the post above.

[GrantB]

On 11/5/2024 at 10:47 PM, Acacia98 said:

I think you should talk to her

 

On 11/5/2024 at 11:08 PM, glows said:

unlikely things will get better until you both are honest with each other.

 

On 11/6/2024 at 1:01 AM, ShyViolet said:

First and foremost you need to have an honest conversation

 

On 11/6/2024 at 3:10 AM, Gaeta said:

Before making some rush judgement why don't you talk to her about it

 

On 11/7/2024 at 7:25 AM, smackie9 said:

Your best approach is to communicate to her how you feel

 

On 11/8/2024 at 2:40 AM, Gebidozo said:

I’m a big believer in complete honesty and transparency

 

Ok, so a repeating theme here.

How do you even raise something like this?  "Hey baby, a mate sent me a video of you doing xyz with a bunch of guys, care to explain?"

Ok, that was a very facetious comment but when I go through things in my head no matter how diplomatically I try to be it just sounds like that.

I don't have a choice I guess, we can't continue the way it is, I just want her to be able to open up and not get defensive but I'm unsure how to achieve that.

[basil67]

3 minutes ago, GrantB said:

How do you even raise something like this?  "Hey baby, a mate sent me a video of you doing xyz with a bunch of guys, care to explain?"

"Hey baby, a mate send me a video of you from your past"   Then pause and allow her time to respond

[Els]

In your place it wouldn't necessarily bother me as long as it happened before we met, but if it bothers you, then that's a valid response. You don't need to stay in a relationship with a person whose past makes you very uncomfortable.

If you love her, I'd recommend talking to her about this first. Unfortunately it's not uncommon for porn actresses to be coerced or forced into it by previous abusive partners or by financial circumstances. And honestly, if she's the type of person to eagerly quit her job to cook and clean and do paperwork for a person that's she's not married or otherwise legally tied to, her personality type would make her very vulnerable to these issues.

[ShyViolet]

23 hours ago, GrantB said:

How do you even raise something like this?  "Hey baby, a mate sent me a video of you doing xyz with a bunch of guys, care to explain?"

 

Well obviously you don't say it that flippantly.  You just calmly tell her that there's been something on your mind lately, that you came across this stuff, you're not sure how you feel about it but you want to have a conversation with her about it and hear her side.  Don't be accusatory, just have an attitude of an open mind and giving her a chance to tell her side.

[Leihla_B]

"I've come across videos that appear to contain you; would you like to talk about this?"

[glows]

On 11/8/2024 at 6:50 PM, GrantB said:

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ok, so a repeating theme here.

How do you even raise something like this?  "Hey baby, a mate sent me a video of you doing xyz with a bunch of guys, care to explain?"

Ok, that was a very facetious comment but when I go through things in my head no matter how diplomatically I try to be it just sounds like that.

I don't have a choice I guess, we can't continue the way it is, I just want her to be able to open up and not get defensive but I'm unsure how to achieve that.

There’s not much to do except be sincere and respectful in your tone and words when you bring it up. I’m assuming you’re both on good terms otherwise so why the worry about her being defensive. If anything someone who truly wants to share their life with you will want to talk about or work through difficult situations or be as concerned if their partner is upset.

If this changed your view of her long term she deserves to know that too. Staying with her out of pity or charity or with growing resentment after the fact isn’t healthy. Her defensiveness or residual anger or frustration about that part of her life has to be owned by her. For all you know she’s waiting for you to ask. 

Remember that you don’t own one another. She doesn’t own you. You don’t own her. You don’t own her body. This relationship now is just your turn with each other now. You could die tomorrow and she moves on with other relationships. Holding this against her suggests you feel like she owes you something. Owes you info. Owes you details about her past or her body or her sexual history. That’s why your tone and making sure you don’t sound possessive matters.

[ExpatInItaly]

Honestly, OP, she will likely have known this day was coming. Or at least suspected that it could happen. 

I would imagine she isn't foolish enough to have thought this would never, ever come back to her. So I wouldn't be too concerned with how you bring it up to her. Sit her down, tell her what was sent to you, and ask her to discuss. 

 

 

[Goodguy05]

On 11/5/2024 at 8:33 PM, GrantB said:

I know it’s pretty much standard to not pry into someone’s past but surely that has its limits.

I divorced 10 years ago after marrying far too early and then spent time working on myself until I met what I thought was my soulmate 4 years ago.

I moved across the other side of the country because she wanted to be close to her family and friends, shut my business and opened a new one and made it successful. Built a new home. She quit her job and stayed at home because, well because she could. She did help with a lot of my paperwork though.

Look, it was great. I don’t want to come across as misogynistic but she was perfect lady in public and you know what in the bedroom. She cooked, she cleaned, I was happy. I thought I had struck gold.

Now I knew she was no saint but what I’ve come to find out has shaken me to the core. Basically she worked in the adult entertainment industry in a not so mainstream area for a few years according to an online bio. It looks like she got out right around when we met. There’s still a lot of stuff out there that can be found although given it’s not mainstream it’s not likely many people will come across it unless they specifically look. Then it comes to light that she used to meet fans and I’m just in an area I’m uncomfortable with. Her body count is downright scary and I'm sure there's stuff I don't know about, I've been too scared to look. The stuff she did I could deal with in private but in public and with so many, I just can’t pretend I don’t know.

So I guess what I’m asking is that am I right to hold her past against her given she’s been nothing but perfect for me ever since we met? To be honest I really wish I didn’t know but I do and I can’t unknow it.

I’ve been holding this in for a week now and today she sat me down and wanted to talk because she said she could sense something was off and was worried about me. I couldn’t tell her. I just couldn’t say it. I don’t even know if I should or if I want to.

I ask myself the question of whether I would have started a relationship with her if I knew what I know now. I don’t think I would have. But equally she probably knew that too and maybe that's why she didn’t share, don’t ask, don’t tell I guess. I sort of begrudgingly respect that. I just don’t know whether I’m strong enough to acknowledge the past but compartmentalize it as the past and just focus on how good our recent times have been.

Any thoughts or guidance will be graciously received.

Please don't ask for details about what it is. I only shared what I had to for a reason.

I think she should have been transparent from the start and told you because that way you can then decide if it's for you before you get attached not after the fact then it becomes hard because you have feelings. I see why she hasn't because there's a good change you wouldn't have pursued her. 

[GrantB]

On 11/10/2024 at 11:35 AM, Els said:

Unfortunately it's not uncommon for porn actresses to be coerced or forced into it by previous abusive partners or by financial circumstances.

Well it's been an incredibly emotional time for both of us but now it's all out in the open and Els you had some prophetic words here.

I mentioned in the opening post that I thought she was my soulmate and now I could never be more certain. I feel so close to her, I can't find the words, but I feel like I have found everything I ever wanted, warts and all.  Does that make sense?  I don't think it adequately explains the love I have for her.

The details will forever be between just us, but being able to openly discuss it with each other was cathartic for both of us I feel.  I can't praise her enough for her honesty in such a vulnerable position.

I'm a little embarrassed that it took this thread for me to get my head together and just do the simple thing, talk to her.  Obviously I still have more work to do on myself, but I think this has been such an overwhelmingly positive experience that she'll probably get sick of me talking/sharing al the time, lol.

I'd just like to thank everyone for being a sounding board, it's not really something I could have discussed with family or friends.

If anyone has any questions I'll be around to answer them but the specifics of her time in porn are off limits so I hope people respect that.

[Els]

7 hours ago, GrantB said:

Well it's been an incredibly emotional time for both of us but now it's all out in the open and Els you had some prophetic words here.

I mentioned in the opening post that I thought she was my soulmate and now I could never be more certain. I feel so close to her, I can't find the words, but I feel like I have found everything I ever wanted, warts and all.  Does that make sense?  I don't think it adequately explains the love I have for her.

The details will forever be between just us, but being able to openly discuss it with each other was cathartic for both of us I feel.  I can't praise her enough for her honesty in such a vulnerable position.

I'm a little embarrassed that it took this thread for me to get my head together and just do the simple thing, talk to her.  Obviously I still have more work to do on myself, but I think this has been such an overwhelmingly positive experience that she'll probably get sick of me talking/sharing al the time, lol.

I'd just like to thank everyone for being a sounding board, it's not really something I could have discussed with family or friends.

If anyone has any questions I'll be around to answer them but the specifics of her time in porn are off limits so I hope people respect that.

One of the best outcomes I've seen from a thread here. Congratulations! Many people just post for validation and aren't genuinely willing to see anyone else's point of view. You've taken all the feedback on board, and took the (huge) first step of having a heart-to-heart, non-judgmental conversation with your partner... which takes a strong person to do. I'm glad both of you are communicating honestly about this, and I hope things work out for you two!

[Gebidozo]

18 hours ago, GrantB said:

I mentioned in the opening post that I thought she was my soulmate and now I could never be more certain. I feel so close to her, I can't find the words, but I feel like I have found everything I ever wanted, warts and all.  Does that make sense?

It makes total sense. You love a real flesh and blood woman with all her strengths and weaknesses, not some pre-conceived, idealized image.

I’ve always said that openly sharing the darker aspects of our past with our partner is a cathartic, healing experience that will bring the two partners closer to each other and make the relationship stronger - of course provided both can handle it.

Congratulations, you’ve proven that you are mature enough to handle it, loving and caring enough to accept the woman you love in her entirety, strong enough to get over your discomfort. You scored some serious points with this one. Thumbs up!

[GrantB]

19 hours ago, Els said:

I hope things work out for you two!

I won't lie, it's a work in progress, but then aren't we all?  What I do know for sure is that we are both committed to making it work and making sure the other person is kept in the loop re feelings etc when they arise.  Sometimes I might need a hug, sometimes I might need to hug her.  I truly believe together we've got this.

On a side note and I don't mean to come across as vulgar in sharing this, but the sex since the conversation has been on another level.  I'm not sure if it's related but I'm not complaining.

[GrantB]

8 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

that will bring the two partners closer to each other and make the relationship stronger

Well that is the hope and dream and it's looking good so far, even considering the very short time span.  It may seem silly but I can't wait to see where we are in a years time, I may have a very important question to ask.

[Gebidozo]

On 11/13/2024 at 12:55 PM, GrantB said:

On a side note and I don't mean to come across as vulgar in sharing this, but the sex since the conversation has been on another level.  I'm not sure if it's related but I'm not complaining.

I knew it😊

Knowing your partner’s past is liberating. I think it’s completely normal if you feel aroused by that, either by the sheer openness of it all, or even by concrete events and acts. In my opinion, fully accepting and embracing female sexuality is a big turn on. I think you can expect many years of great sex with your partner.

[Els]

On 11/13/2024 at 8:55 PM, GrantB said:

On a side note and I don't mean to come across as vulgar in sharing this, but the sex since the conversation has been on another level.  I'm not sure if it's related but I'm not complaining.

Honesty is freeing, and being completely honest and vulnerable with each other creates a bond of trust. Amazing sex absolutely requires this bond (IMO, anyway)... So it's not at all surprising to me that the sex has been next level. Enjoy!

On 11/15/2024 at 1:27 PM, Gebidozo said:

In my opinion, fully accepting and embracing female sexuality is a big turn on.

You know, I always wondered if this was part of the reason why queer couples statistically are more likely to have good sex lives than hetero couples: the patriarchal notions and rules around female sexuality are destroying female sexuality. Queer couples by default have already had to dispense with patriarchal beliefs (in order to embrace their own sexuality), while some hetero couples still hang on to them.

[Gebidozo]

4 hours ago, Els said:

You know, I always wondered if this was part of the reason why queer couples statistically are more likely to have good sex lives than hetero couples: the patriarchal notions and rules around female sexuality are destroying female sexuality. Queer couples by default have already had to dispense with patriarchal beliefs (in order to embrace their own sexuality), while some hetero couples still hang on to them.

Exactly, good sex has to be a unique, personal experience and not some reenacting of a “norm”. Few things hurt sex more than the expectation that your partner will play a certain prescribed role that is universally accepted by the society. It depersonalizes sex.