Wife has no interest in me physically

[HereMT]

My wife and I are in our/late 40s. We've been together for 28 years and have a ten year old daughter. Like a lot of relationships, our sex life has waned over the years. I decided to write her a letter recently, explaining how much I love her, and that she's still the only woman I desire and want to be with, but that I would like our intimacy to be more frequent and varied. We used to be quite experimental (by those standards back in the day, probably not much these days).

She has told me in no uncertain terms that she doesn't want to have sex any more than we do currently (once, maybe twice a year). And that I've undermined everything she does (I'm not one of those people who lets their wives do everything for context, and am a very active father). She essentially said she would rather divorce me than try to work on our physical relationship. I've tried suggesting I give her massages, that we take a shower together, and bought some lingerie (that she flatly refused to wear - I bought things I thought she would feel good in rather than slutty stuff, for context). I've explained that I don't want or expect sex multiple times a week, just a couple of times a month would be fantastic. I've never really been one to initiate as I would never want her to do anything she didn't want to do, but now every day that goes by and we're not intimate, I just feel rejected.

I don't know what to do. It's really made me feel despondent. I've essentially backtracked and told her to forget everything I said, which she seems fine with. I'm not one of those people looking for others to justify looking outside their marriage. I love my wife and only want her, but this has really hit me and I don't know what to do. 

[Georgia46]

Ahhh that’s a tough one! 
 

once or twice a year? 
 

her saying she’d divorce you other than work on things sounds rather spiteful too… 

 

are you happy to accept what she’s said is what you need to ask yourself … 
 

 

[Els]

7 hours ago, HereMT said:

And that I've undermined everything she does

Can you elaborate on this? Did she provide any examples?

IMO when there are sex issues of this severity, the crux of the problem isn't usually sex. Sex is just a symptom - there's probably a foundational issue in your marriage. Are you open to attending MC together? Is she?

Also, just FYI... buying your wife lingerie to try to fix a broken sex life is universally a terrible idea and generally makes the situation worse. Giving lingerie as a gift is usually only a good idea if your partner explicitly says that they love wearing lingerie in bed and your sex life is otherwise good... In any other situation it's a pretty touchy "gift".

[basil67]

Adding to the idea of foundational issues in the marriage, there could also be other things at play such as health related issues or menopause.  

 

[HereMT]

On 11/5/2024 at 10:08 PM, Els said:

Can you elaborate on this? Did she provide any examples?

IMO when there are sex issues of this severity, the crux of the problem isn't usually sex. Sex is just a symptom - there's probably a foundational issue in your marriage. Are you open to attending MC together? Is she?

Also, just FYI... buying your wife lingerie to try to fix a broken sex life is universally a terrible idea and generally makes the situation worse. Giving lingerie as a gift is usually only a good idea if your partner explicitly says that they love wearing lingerie in bed and your sex life is otherwise good... In any other situation it's a pretty touchy "gift".

Saying that I don't appreciate that she looks after me in other ways, like making the house nice etc. I'd be open to attending counselling, I don't think my wife would. The lingerie wasn't in isolation - I'd offered to give her massages, suggested we could try something different like taking a shower etc (essentially, I'd read lots of blogs on how to try and bring some excitement back and all was rejected), but I take your point. 

[HereMT]

On 11/5/2024 at 4:50 PM, Georgia46 said:

Ahhh that’s a tough one! 
 

once or twice a year? 
 

her saying she’d divorce you other than work on things sounds rather spiteful too… 

 

are you happy to accept what she’s said is what you need to ask yourself … 
 

 

I'm not. I've kind of moped about it for quite a while now, but I've come to the realisation that if she's not in love with my any more (I don't doubt she loves me), then I have to accept that. I'm not going to leave or anything like that. Our daughter is the priority in all of this.

[HereMT]

On 11/5/2024 at 10:17 PM, basil67 said:

Adding to the idea of foundational issues in the marriage, there could also be other things at play such as health related issues or menopause.  

 

Could well be. She does have a health issue, which I thought may be to do with it. As far as I know there are things that could be done in that regard but she doesn't want to. Which she's entitled to.

[Els]

3 hours ago, HereMT said:

I'd be open to attending counselling, I don't think my wife would.

You don't "think" your wife would? Have you ever openly asked her, "I'd like to attend MC with you to try and work on our marriage, will you come with me? You can pick the counselor if you'd like."?

[Georgia46]

11 hours ago, HereMT said:

I'm not. I've kind of moped about it for quite a while now, but I've come to the realisation that if she's not in love with my any more (I don't doubt she loves me), then I have to accept that. I'm not going to leave or anything like that. Our daughter is the priority in all of this.

I get how hard this must be.

 

   Obviously your daughter will always be your priority but staying with someone under these circumstances isn’t always the best idea.   

 

What about you? You don’t have to accept *that*

 

[Lotsgoingon]

She has told me ... that I've undermined everything she does ...

Dude here is your issue right above. She thinks you have undermined everything. OMG. Of course, she's not going to have sex with you. 

Now, it's time for you--if you want to get past all this--to figure out what she means without being defensive. And/or to tell her you will not be defensive and that you will listen as she explains what she means. 

I mean would you want to have regular sex with someone who UNDERMINES EVERYTHING YOU DO?!

Now, the requirement here is that you shut your mouth and listen. You do NOT defend yourself as she lays out what's been the problem. You shut your trap and keep it shut. If anything, you take notes. You can ask her to clarify certain points or you might ask for specific examples of behavior she calls out, but you ask for clarification only if you can do so without sarcasm. I'm talking fully without sarcasm. You can't fake this. 

Right now, for whatever reason, she is shut down and doesn't feel like she can even explain what's wrong. She feels like you'll dismiss her. Now her hopelessness might not be warranted objectively. But that's not the issue. The issue is she needs to feel comfortable sharing with you what she is feeling. And that requires you to shut up--totally so--when she makes a suggestion or comment or explains why she feels you undermine her. 

Now, once you hear her out (KEEPING YOUR MOUTH SHUT and stopping any sarcastic body language), you thank her. And then you go off and think about what she says and find the truths in what she is saying. The truth is going to be she has reason to feel that way, and her reason does not mean you caused the problem. She likely has super sensitivities that (like a lot of men, including yours truly) have overlooked and minimized. 

The other trick is for you not to take her words as a sign that you are a horrible person. 

Anyway, dude she laid out the problem quite clearly. How is it that you are ignoring her claim that you undermine her in everything? You could not get a worse statement from a wife--other than if you were physically abusive. Find out what she means. And then you can figure out how to give her the respect she is asking for. She knows you’re not perfect.