My gf told me she is pregnant. I was devestated and bitter now

[lovers]

Its been a week now since my gf of 1 year told me she was pregnant. She 34F and im 33M. We both have good paying jobs and stable living the double income no kids lifestyle. She said she was taking her birth control pills and i would remind her to take them when i was over but it would create tension. She would be like what you dont trust me? Im taking them but i wanted to see her take it. I felt like i was being anal so i would back off. She would also initiate sex alot and prefers no condom and for me to finish inside her so im like whatever in the moment. Our relationship besides that was very good. Abortion is out of the question. She is against it and alrwady made up her mind awhile back before she told me. 
 

i had a week to process the news. Initially i was shocked, devestated, bitter, sad about the situation. Overtime i learned to accept my new reality but when i think about it again i still feel bitter. She gaslight me make me feel bad about reminding her to take her pills and now we are in this situation. I wake up im like you take it yet and she said yeah when you sleeping. I want to see. However she doesnt need to be reminded about taking her neonatal pills which she is taking religiously. Its not consistent.  I understand im at fault too for not protecting myself on my end but if you trust someone and they reassured you about it then you would get laxed on it too. 

i do want kids but a little further down the line maybe 2-3 years from now. have more savings and feel like i enjoyed my life free of kids. I  Wanted to enjoy having a decent income, no responsibility, and travel for a little longer. Now i feel i was robbed of that. Things are working out how she wants but not for me. I knew she wanted kids but not her timeline. I posted about my situation and all i got was people bashing me for being ungrateful and should have protected myself which is true but how about her? Why not bash her for manipulation and not holding up her end of the deal. 

 

[Els]

Okay, just so you know, birth control pills are not 100%, not even with perfect use. It's entirely possible that she did take them every day and still got pregnant.

Having sex with only one method of contraception, if you really don't want a pregnancy, is playing with fire. If you felt this strongly about getting her pregnant, you should have taken matters in your own hands before it came to this - but as you said, you already know this, I won't rehash it.

You have options. You don't have to stay with her and you don't have to take any custody if you don't want it. You can break up, just pay child support, never see the kid, and not actually be a father. I don't know if I'd recommend it, but it's better to do that than to be a bitter and resentful father.

 

[basil67]

Without surgical intervention, sex always has a risk of pregnancy.   And Els is correct that even perfectly taken, the pill is fallible.   Your approach about wanting to literally see her take her pill is 😲.   If your trust in her was so low that you needed daily evidence...and believed she was not careful enough, you should have insisted on a condom.

What future plans do you have?   Are you staying together?  

[glows]

Very sorry to hear this, your hurt and disappointment. Not to be crude but it’s happened and it’s time to face the facts. Baby is coming and hopefully healthy and happy and the pregnancy is smooth. You have every right to feel what you feel and move through all those emotions but it won’t change the outcome. The kid will need you because fathers are important. Just think of it YOU get to choose what type of man and father and role model to be to this new person. 

It’s very possible your relationship won’t last. Maybe you’ll break up with your partner down the line. No one is forcing you to be with someone you don’t love or trust but think everything through carefully.
 

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, lovers said:

She prefers no condom and for me to finish inside her so I’m like whatever in the moment.

It goes without saying but for someone who didn’t want to get pregnant, this was a really bad plan. 

[Gebidozo]

I understand that you feel stressed out, but if you really didn’t want to have kids, you should have insisted on condoms. Pills are notoriously unreliable because of the human factor. People aren’t machines, and you shouldn’t blame your GF for what happened and be bitter about it.

There is no one to “bash” here, and I don’t quite understand why it’s so important to you that people bash your GF and agree with your stance. Working on a harmonious relationship with your GF and preparing to be good parents would be a much more productive course of action at this point.

[ExpatInItaly]

15 hours ago, lovers said:

Why not bash her for manipulation and not holding up her end of the deal. 

Good lord. This relationship is doomed anyway, with that mindset. 

15 hours ago, lovers said:

but if you trust someone and they reassured you about it then you would get laxed on it too. 

Nah, speak for yourself man. You got lax on it and didn't do enough to prevent pregnancy either. Own that. Not everyone would be so careless. 

15 hours ago, lovers said:

 Wanted to enjoy having a decent income, no responsibility, and travel for a little longer. Now i feel i was robbed of that.

Malarkey. You set yourself up for it by not being more careful.

Time to make some grown-up choices. I think this relationship has a snowbell's chance in hell of lasting, but you need to decide if you want to be part of the baby's life. You can't change what's done, but you can be more mature and responsible moving forward. 

 

[Acacia98]

OP, you don't have proof that your girlfriend manipulated you into being lax with contraceptives with the intention of getting pregnant. You suspect it, but you can't prove it. And the reality of the matter is that sometimes, people who use contraceptives religiously still fall pregnant. So I can't join you in condemning her. The most that I can do is say you may or may not be right.

Moreover, the deed is done. She is pregnant, and she's not going to get an abortion. So you have to start the process of accepting your new reality. Like others have said, you don't have to make a life with your girlfriend. But you need to figure out what role you're going to play in your kid's life and start to plan for that.

Edited 7 hours ago by Acacia98

[Leihla_B]

22 hours ago, lovers said:

Why not bash her for manipulation and not holding up her end of the deal. 

What do you see as an advantage for yourself in doing that?

When I make a decision, even if I regret it, I'd rather assign myself the responsibility for owning it than believe that I was somehow at the mercy of someone else's lousy judgment.

Taking away my own agency in order to blame someone else would imply that I'm small and victimized. How is that helpful to ME going forward? How can that build my confidence in my own judgment and accountability as a grown adult?

[Gaeta]

So you're getting a kiddo 2 years ahead it's not like you did not want children at all. They say if you can't change something then change your perception of it. My brother and his wife travel to a new destination every year and they started that when their 2 kids were still in diapers. Kids don't keep you from traveling.

You can be mad all you want. You can also leave her and go to a lawyer and abandon your parental rights and disappear. 

I know it's hard when all of a sudden it's not about me me me anymore.

Edited 3 hours ago by Gaeta