My gf told me she is pregnant [UPDATED - miscarriage]

[lovers]

Its been a week now since my gf of 1 year told me she was pregnant. She 34F and im 33M. We both have good paying jobs and stable living the double income no kids lifestyle. She said she was taking her birth control pills and i would remind her to take them when i was over but it would create tension. She would be like what you dont trust me? Im taking them but i wanted to see her take it. I felt like i was being anal so i would back off. She would also initiate sex alot and prefers no condom and for me to finish inside her so im like whatever in the moment. Our relationship besides that was very good. Abortion is out of the question. She is against it and alrwady made up her mind awhile back before she told me. 
 

i had a week to process the news. Initially i was shocked, devestated, bitter, sad about the situation. Overtime i learned to accept my new reality but when i think about it again i still feel bitter. She gaslight me make me feel bad about reminding her to take her pills and now we are in this situation. I wake up im like you take it yet and she said yeah when you sleeping. I want to see. However she doesnt need to be reminded about taking her neonatal pills which she is taking religiously. Its not consistent.  I understand im at fault too for not protecting myself on my end but if you trust someone and they reassured you about it then you would get laxed on it too. 

i do want kids but a little further down the line maybe 2-3 years from now. have more savings and feel like i enjoyed my life free of kids. I  Wanted to enjoy having a decent income, no responsibility, and travel for a little longer. Now i feel i was robbed of that. Things are working out how she wants but not for me. I knew she wanted kids but not her timeline. I posted about my situation and all i got was people bashing me for being ungrateful and should have protected myself which is true but how about her? Why not bash her for manipulation and not holding up her end of the deal. 

 

Edited December 4 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Els]

Okay, just so you know, birth control pills are not 100%, not even with perfect use. It's entirely possible that she did take them every day and still got pregnant.

Having sex with only one method of contraception, if you really don't want a pregnancy, is playing with fire. If you felt this strongly about getting her pregnant, you should have taken matters in your own hands before it came to this - but as you said, you already know this, I won't rehash it.

You have options. You don't have to stay with her and you don't have to take any custody if you don't want it. You can break up, just pay child support, never see the kid, and not actually be a father. I don't know if I'd recommend it, but it's better to do that than to be a bitter and resentful father.

 

[basil67]

Without surgical intervention, sex always has a risk of pregnancy.   And Els is correct that even perfectly taken, the pill is fallible.   Your approach about wanting to literally see her take her pill is 😲.   If your trust in her was so low that you needed daily evidence...and believed she was not careful enough, you should have insisted on a condom.

What future plans do you have?   Are you staying together?  

[glows]

Very sorry to hear this, your hurt and disappointment. Not to be crude but it’s happened and it’s time to face the facts. Baby is coming and hopefully healthy and happy and the pregnancy is smooth. You have every right to feel what you feel and move through all those emotions but it won’t change the outcome. The kid will need you because fathers are important. Just think of it YOU get to choose what type of man and father and role model to be to this new person. 

It’s very possible your relationship won’t last. Maybe you’ll break up with your partner down the line. No one is forcing you to be with someone you don’t love or trust but think everything through carefully.
 

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, lovers said:

She prefers no condom and for me to finish inside her so I’m like whatever in the moment.

It goes without saying but for someone who didn’t want to get pregnant, this was a really bad plan. 

[Gebidozo]

I understand that you feel stressed out, but if you really didn’t want to have kids, you should have insisted on condoms. Pills are notoriously unreliable because of the human factor. People aren’t machines, and you shouldn’t blame your GF for what happened and be bitter about it.

There is no one to “bash” here, and I don’t quite understand why it’s so important to you that people bash your GF and agree with your stance. Working on a harmonious relationship with your GF and preparing to be good parents would be a much more productive course of action at this point.

[ExpatInItaly]

15 hours ago, lovers said:

Why not bash her for manipulation and not holding up her end of the deal. 

Good lord. This relationship is doomed anyway, with that mindset. 

15 hours ago, lovers said:

but if you trust someone and they reassured you about it then you would get laxed on it too. 

Nah, speak for yourself man. You got lax on it and didn't do enough to prevent pregnancy either. Own that. Not everyone would be so careless. 

15 hours ago, lovers said:

 Wanted to enjoy having a decent income, no responsibility, and travel for a little longer. Now i feel i was robbed of that.

Malarkey. You set yourself up for it by not being more careful.

Time to make some grown-up choices. I think this relationship has a snowbell's chance in hell of lasting, but you need to decide if you want to be part of the baby's life. You can't change what's done, but you can be more mature and responsible moving forward. 

 

[Acacia98]

OP, you don't have proof that your girlfriend manipulated you into being lax with contraceptives with the intention of getting pregnant. You suspect it, but you can't prove it. And the reality of the matter is that sometimes, people who use contraceptives religiously still fall pregnant. So I can't join you in condemning her. The most that I can do is say you may or may not be right.

Moreover, the deed is done. She is pregnant, and she's not going to get an abortion. So you have to start the process of accepting your new reality. Like others have said, you don't have to make a life with your girlfriend. But you need to figure out what role you're going to play in your kid's life and start to plan for that.

Edited November 6 by Acacia98

[Leihla_B]

22 hours ago, lovers said:

Why not bash her for manipulation and not holding up her end of the deal. 

What do you see as an advantage for yourself in doing that?

When I make a decision, even if I regret it, I'd rather assign myself the responsibility for owning it than believe that I was somehow at the mercy of someone else's lousy judgment.

Taking away my own agency in order to blame someone else would imply that I'm small and victimized. How is that helpful to ME going forward? How can that build my confidence in my own judgment and accountability as a grown adult?

[Gaeta]

So you're getting a kiddo 2 years ahead it's not like you did not want children at all. They say if you can't change something then change your perception of it. My brother and his wife travel to a new destination every year and they started that when their 2 kids were still in diapers. Kids don't keep you from traveling.

You can be mad all you want. You can also leave her and go to a lawyer and abandon your parental rights and disappear. 

I know it's hard when all of a sudden it's not about me me me anymore.

Edited November 7 by Gaeta

[Els]

22 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Nah, speak for yourself man. You got lax on it and didn't do enough to prevent pregnancy either. Own that. Not everyone would be so careless. 

Yeah, for real. I can't imagine how someone would come to the illogical conclusion of: "Well, I really don't want kids now, so I'm gonna have plenty of unprotected sex and rely solely on that one thing that my partner does that has a statistically 93% chance of being effective. And I'm going to throw a massive tantrum and blame her if it fails!". Like, how does that work???

 

 

[stillafool]

Congratulations on becoming a father.  You don't have to marry this girl but you do have to pay child support and be there for your child for the next 18-20 years and beyond.  As a matter of fact, I don't see your bitterness towards her fading anytime soon so definitely don't get married.

[lovers]

My gf is 8 weeks pregnant now. When she initially told me I was absolutely shocked. She said she was on the birth control pill and she reassured me for finishing inside her. I became more lax as months gone by and trusted her. Now she is pregnant. I went through the stages of grief. Like denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I am towards the depression/acceptance stage now. Abortion was not on the table as she made up her mind a week before she told me. 

The good news I guess is that we are 33 and 34 so we are not exactly young with stable good paying jobs. Also my gf is someone I am okay having  with i guess as she has shown good traits. We have only been together a year and a half. I would prefer longer and see other traits before having kids. Parents are aging in their late 60s to 70s. So timing seems appropriate. I would have preferred years later when I was like 36 or more so I can continue to enjoy the dual income no kids lifestyle and travel the world more. Also wanted to hit some financial goals and have a house before bringing someone into this world. We don't exactly have a stable living condition like a house or anything. Will either move in with my parents and eventually remodel the house or live in apartment. 

Overall I have just been sad about the situation. I have dealt with it by largely forgetting that she is pregnant, but whenever she talks about it like showing me pictures of how far the baby is, wanting to do a baby shower, etc... I just can't help but feel sad. Reality sets in and It shows on my face. I just have a dead pan face and my mind starts wandering. I guess what I am sad about is my former life is over and not living the life that I have envisioned. My life will never be the same. I was enjoying my freedom and only worrying about myself. Enjoying doing whatever I wanted and having some money to do it. i wanted to travel alot more which I can still do but it won't be the same. My parents are happy, gf and her family is happy, but I am not. I generally just keep these thoughts to myself. I already expressed my opinion to my gf and it got no where. So now I just keep it to myself. Hopefully I can learn to accept my new reality. 

Edited November 19 by lovers

[basil67]

If you don't want to be a father, you can distance yourself from her and the baby.  All you have to do is keep up the payments

22 minutes ago, lovers said:

I already expressed my opinion to my gf and it got no where.

What reaction were you hoping for?  

[Georgia46]

It’s only 2 years early. 
 

honestly it’s such a blessing and you will love it.   You’ll be fine 😎

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, lovers said:

. I already expressed my opinion to my gf and it got no where.

What did you expect her to do or say?

Were you hoping she would change her mind about wanting to keep the baby, or what? 

[Acacia98]

11 hours ago, lovers said:

I went through the stages of grief. Like denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I am towards the depression/acceptance stage now. Abortion was not on the table as she made up her mind a week before she told me. 

(...)

Overall I have just been sad about the situation. I have dealt with it by largely forgetting that she is pregnant, but whenever she talks about it like showing me pictures of how far the baby is, wanting to do a baby shower, etc... I just can't help but feel sad. Reality sets in and It shows on my face. I just have a dead pan face and my mind starts wandering. I guess what I am sad about is my former life is over and not living the life that I have envisioned. My life will never be the same. I was enjoying my freedom and only worrying about myself. Enjoying doing whatever I wanted and having some money to do it. i wanted to travel alot more which I can still do but it won't be the same. My parents are happy, gf and her family is happy, but I am not. I generally just keep these thoughts to myself. I already expressed my opinion to my gf and it got no where. So now I just keep it to myself. Hopefully I can learn to accept my new reality. 

Frankly speaking, I think you've made progress. I totally get your sadness and the sense that you've lost something. This is a major life change you're facing. Believe me, plenty of men and women before you have experienced similar feelings of loss when they've found themselves in your circumstances. So it's not something to feel ashamed about.

Don't suppress your feelings or keep them to yourself. Feel free to keep coming here and sharing them regularly. Expressing them will help you deal with them and figure out what your next steps should be. And personally, I think it's best for you to find a safe person/safe people to whom you can express those thoughts now, way before the baby's born. You don't want them to influence your relationship with the kid once he/she arrives (I'm getting the sense that you've chosen to be in the kid's life).

I guess I'm wondering if there's a trusted friend you can talk to, preferably someone who became a father earlier than expected and went through some of the emotions you're going through. Alternatively, might there be a support group of sorts for fathers-to-be online or at your location?

Edited November 20 by Acacia98

[Els]

20 hours ago, lovers said:

I would have preferred years later when I was like 36 or more so I can continue to enjoy the dual income no kids lifestyle and travel the world more.

Look, do you want kids or do you not? If you are 33 and she is 34 now, waiting until she's 37 to have kids (assuming you do actually want kids) is a bad idea. Women who try to conceive in their late 30s will often require IVF (which is both physically and financially draining), and will also be at risk for maternal complications. Especially if you want kids in plural, you're pretty much at the brink of the recommended maternal age for your second kid even if you start now. So in that case just accept that the sacrifices that you are making now are necessary to achieve your shared goal.

However, it sounds to me like you don't actually want kids... mostly because I don't know anyone who genuinely wants kids who feels the way you do when they/their partner conceives at the age of 34. And you know what, if you decide that you don't want kids, that's a valid choice to make. It's better for the kids to grow up with a single mother (with a potential for a loving stepdad if that happens), than for them to grow up with a father who resents them and doesn't really want to be their father. Just bow out of her life now, and pay child support. Also, get yourself a vasectomy in that case.

You need to have a really honest heart-to-heart with yourself here, because your words say you "want kids" but your behaviour demonstrates otherwise.

Edited November 20 by Els

[Leihla_B]

9 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

I think it's best for you to find a safe person/safe people to whom you can express those thoughts now, way before the baby's born. You don't want them to influence your relationship with the kid once he/she arrives (I'm getting the sense that you've chosen to be in the kid's life).

I agree. While your grief is natural, it might help to consider whether a part of you believes that remaining melancholy is your way of holding onto the hopes and dreams you've assigned to the 3 years between now and your ideal fatherhood goal, and maybe adopting any degree of happiness or contentment somehow equates to a choice to trash those hopes and dreams?

Does your employer offer an EAP (Employee Assistance Program)? If so, this offers you 3 or 4 free and confidential sessions with a therapist outside of your job. Your employer is not involved with this process or informed about your circumstances. If you opt to use the service, compare the EAP list of providers against your insurance plan to choose a therapist that appears on both lists. This way, if you opt to continue work with this therapist after your free sessions, your insurance will take over those sessions.

My heart goes out to you, and I hope you will write more if it helps.

[Gaeta]

There was another story on here of a man wanting a baby but his wife didn't. She stil had the baby and it sounded like she was not able to bond with the baby and she pushed the baby onto him as much as she could. Children are like emotional filters, they are aware of all those micro rejections.

Sometimes people don't want children but at birth all those parental hormones kick in and all is well, sometimes those instinct don't kick in and the baby is viewed as a rival, an obstacle.

Your next step is to wait for the birth. This baby is coming and you should meet her/him before making conclusions.

By the way 33 to 36 is not *many years*. 

[Clockwork]

Sorry man, but you are 33 and she is 34 and you STILL want more time to party and live the so-called dream? You need to grow up. Your grandparents or great grandparents probably had 4 children by the time they were 30 years old. This will be the best thing that ever happened to you. There are people in life that wish they had children, or had more. There is never a person that wishes their child was never born. You don't simply find the love you have for a child just anywhere. It is an unconditional love that you will never have for anything else in your life except possibly your wife or your parents. But it is right up there with both of them. Your girlfriend is 34 years old, not quite at the age of her clock ticking or anything but not a spring chicken. Enjoy fatherhood, you will wonder how you managed without it. 

[Els]

On 11/23/2024 at 12:26 PM, Clockwork said:

There is never a person that wishes their child was never born.

There are absolutely people who wish that they didn't have kids - it's just a really taboo thing to say, so you won't hear people saying it unless you're very close to them or they are anonymous. Some of them manage to put their own feelings aside and be a good parent anyway, some of them don't. And when they don't, everyone suffers, especially the child. In those cases, it would have been better for them to be honest with everyone and bow out while the child is still a baby, rather than having the child grow up knowing that their parent doesn't want them. Everyone is different, and there's no point in projecting your own feelings onto other people.

That being said, I agree that if the OP actually does want kids like he says he does, he needs to grow up, bite the bullet, and do it now.

[Gebidozo]

On 11/23/2024 at 10:26 AM, Clockwork said:

There is never a person that wishes their child was never born.

I know several people who are regretting having had kids too soon. Interestingly, most of those people are women. Most were pressured into getting married and having kids by conservative parents, society, peers, and so on. They had kids and later lamented that decision.

Nobody should be coerced into a lifestyle that they haven’t freely chosen. Especially when parents or grandparents pull out that “When I was your age, I already had 347832 kids” card. So what if they did things that way? Their great-great-great-grandparents probably had kids at the age of 15. For most of them, that wasn’t even a free, conscious choice.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 11/23/2024 at 3:26 AM, Clockwork said:

There is never a person that wishes their child was never born.

I wish that were true, but it's simply not. 

In a dream world, all kids would be loved dearly by their parents. All kids would be wanted by their parents. But that isn't reality. It also doesn't make sense to compare this generation to our grandparents' generations. Many things have changed since then and their lives were not necessarily better than ours now, including starting and building a family. 

On 11/23/2024 at 3:26 AM, Clockwork said:

Enjoy fatherhood, you will wonder how you managed without it. 

There is also no guarantee of this. Sure, it might happen. Or it might not. There are plenty of men out there who do not enjoy fatherhood and whose kids would probably be better off if their absent or unloving fathers took a flying leap out of their lives and not inflict further damage. 

I agree that OP needs to pull up his socks and decide what he wants here. But I don't think it's wise to convince him that he will be happy and enjoy parenthood. There is every chance he will not. 

[stillafool]

On 11/22/2024 at 9:26 PM, Clockwork said:

Your girlfriend is 34 years old, not quite at the age of her clock ticking or anything but not a spring chicken.

Actually, she is at the age where her clock is ticking.