My gf told me she is pregnant [UPDATED - miscarriage]

[lovers]

My gf and I been dating for year and a half. Everything was going great we are both double income no kids lifestyle. We traveled, make decent money, and barely fought. Life was great. I always mentioned i wanted kids down the road like 3-4 years while for her 1-2 years. She was on birth control pill and I would remind her to take it consistently. She would gaslight like me like I took it already when I am sleeping, wanted me to finish inside her, and say you don't trust me when i ask her about taking the birth control. then she got pregnant. I accused her of baby trapping me and everything. We fought and eventually got over it. I accepted the situation. 

Fast forward to now we found out she has a miscarriage. Her mood has been all over the place. Nitpicking at everything I am doing or lack of. I could just be chilling at home and she would nit pick like why theres this and that on the floor etc... I help her out whatever I can but never enough. She asking me hard questions about the future. We had another fight today. Basically she asking me when I want to have a baby she is anxious about the future. She started crying when I was like 1-2 years . She is 34F and I am a 33M. When we got together I wanted to travel the world more for couple more years and enjoy our life I thought that is what we agreed on. But now story change. Why such in a rush to have a baby. I know from her end she is anxious that she is getting older and the window for having a baby is closing. Most of the women in my family had perfectly healthy children in their late 30s. 

Ever since she got pregnant she always wanted me around which is understandable so we are together 24/7. Even when I wake up and sneak out into the living room she would wake up and call me. If I go to the gym I don't even know what type of mood she will be in when I get back.  Before we dated I always wanted some me time but now I don't get any of that now. Her mood is all over the place. I try to be understanding and chalk it up with her having a miscarriage, but I can't take it sometimes. I flipped out on her like if this is how you really are then I want to know. She said to give her grace she going stuff. When we fought before when she was pregnant I felt morally obligated to stay with her because we had a child together. But now since miscarriage I don't. I am wondering if I should stick it out and weather the storm or if this is really how she is. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Dude, I'm sorry about the miscarriage and the struggle between you two. Condolences.

Now to the truth here: next time you're with a woman who you don't trust is really taking her birth control pills, there is only one thing to do: summon a jet plane, hop on it and  get far away. 

Dating someone who you don't trust has the maturity or integrity to take bc pills that she claims she is taking is just spectacularly reckless and self-destructive on your part. You might have been safer finding a four-lane highway and spending a day sprinting between and in front of 70 mph cars.  And now you are consoling this person you don't trust? That is an absurd position. But you put yourself in this absurd universe by pretending that it was no big deal that you didn't trust her on a big a basic matter.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

You seem to be looking for permission to end this relationship. 

Your previous threads were very similar. Please let her go. You two are not at all right for each other, and there is way too much distrust and resentment between the two of you. 

You don't need to plead your case to the jury here. End it if that is what you want to do. 

[HopefullyLove]

Sounds like she is succumbing to pressure to have a baby before 35. I know many women who had babies well over 35 that were healthy and wonderful babies. 
 

It’s your life so you have to decide if you want the relationship. Best wishes. 

[basil67]

7 hours ago, HopefullyLove said:

I know many women who had babies well over 35 that were healthy and wonderful babies. 

You really need to do your research before making comments on fertility.  

Women's fertility falls starts to decline after about 30 and by 35, it's well and truly falling off a cliff.  Yes, some women will still fall pregnant after 35, but there's a whole other group who need IVF.  Or who miss the boat alltogether.   While I certainly don't condone sneaky measures to fall pregnant, if a woman wants kids, she needs to be careful to not waste time being in a relationship with a guy who isn't willing to take the plunge in a timely manner. 

Further, pregnancies for women after 35 are higher risk for both mother and baby.

For the record, I had my babies when I was 29 and 31.  And just as well, because I was perimenopausal at about 37 and had my last period at 42.   If I'd taken your advice, I'd be childless.

 

https://www.britishfertilitysociety.org.uk/fei/at-what-age-does-fertility-begin-to-decrease/

https://www.invitra.com/en/female-fertility/female-fertility-rates-by-age-chart/

Keep researching - I promise you will only find the same data over and over again.

 

[Els]

There are a couple of different issues here.

The first is that moodiness and emotions running high are fairly normal when it comes to pregnancy and postpartum (or miscarriage). Pregnant women experience a level of estrogen that is multiple times the upper limit of the normal estrogen range. When the pregnancy ends, the hormones eventually have to come back down. If you take a dude and inject him with 5x of his normal testosterone levels, I guarantee you that he'll be doing some pretty wild s***. Estrogen works the same way.

The second issue is that, IMO, you two have very very different goals in life. You seem to keep denying it, but it's pretty obvious. If you truly wanted to have kids in 1-2 years' time, you wouldn't be viewing it as a !!DISASTER!! when it happened 1-2 years ahead of schedule. That period of time is so short, it's like a blink of an eye - no meaningful change is going to happen in such a short period, especially when you are already in your mid 30s. If you are not ready now, you're not going to be ready in 1-2 years' time. I can't say for sure whether you'll be "ready" in 10 years' time, or whether you are better off being childfree, but that's irrelevant to this relationship, because she doesn't have that long to wait. Statistically her odds of conceiving are already declining, and will do so more sharply in the next few years.

So, I think you two are clearly very incompatible. You need to leave now and stop wasting her time and torturing yourself, and she needs to be with a person who wants kids NOW, like she does (or otherwise thinking about going the solo mum route).

Edited December 5 by Els