Disappointed with my partner, advice needed!

[Ballinaire]

I have been with my partner for 8 years, and we have a house and two children together. He is a great father and decent person with good values. I really do love him so incredibly much, and we have had so much fun together during our 8 years. I have felt loved by him, but despite this, there are some things that have caused friction that I have suppressed. Now I have found myself in a situation where I can't shake the thought that he may have taken me for granted for a long time and I'm hurt. 

To summarise, we are from different countries and moved to my home country when we were expecting our first child. This in particular did not sit well with his mother who has been trying to get rid of me since day one. She has since the very start made nasty comments about our relationship, saying that we won't last and that my partner has no plans to marry me, etc. In her eyes I have always been just a fling, even now that we have children does she believe that we will stick together. A nasty "joke" I've heard in recent years is that his younger sister will get to the altar before us and actually even his brother has said this out loud too which makes me wonder how we come across as a couple to his family. However, since we had our son, his mother has improved because she wants to spend time with her grandchild when we visit, but she still says things that imply she sees me as a temporary person in his life or at least a temporary partner. What makes me so sad about all this is that I can't remember a single time when he has actually stood up for me/us and said something to his mother.

Recently, the topic of marriage has come up a couple of times, or at least I've tried to bring it up with my partner, but it's a subject he prefers not to talk about. He seems to find it uncomfortable and has expressed that he'd rather just "sign the papers" and get it over with. This makes me sad because I wasn't under the impression that he has no interest in having a wedding. He knows that I'm not interested in having a big fancy wedding, but I've always been clear that I want some form of celebration when it happens, if it happens. I'm not a hopeless romantic, but the thought that the person I've spent 8 years with and who I have children with doesn't seem to want to celebrate our marriage in any way other than signing documents – it hurts.

A more specific event that I am also disappointed about is that when I turned 30 almost two years ago now, I organized a birthday party and invited friends/family for dinner. My partner didn't give me a present then but said he would treat me to a weekend somewhere at a later time, but that obviously never happened. However, his sister, who had an insignificant birthday that same year, received a gift card to go to a spa. His other sister also got a contribution for a trip abroad when she turned 40. My 30th birthday present was forgotten about and was never mentioned again. 

Recently, I reached a breaking point when his younger sister turned 30 and was majorly celebrated and even got proposed to by her boyfriend whom she has been dating for barely two years. Of course, it's great for them, but I was overwhelmed by a bitterness I hadn't felt before. Probably because my partner's mother and brother's mocking jokes have now come true. The bitterness didn't improve when I found out that he wanted to treat his sister to yet another spa day since she turned 30, wanting to give her something nice that she would appreciate. To add, my partner often complains about how little money he has, and the focus is often on cost the few times we actually do something. Both of his sisters are said to be doing very well financially and have partners who spoil them, and going to a spa wouldn't be a very unusual activity for them. Meanwhile I'm the one who's stood by him through some pretty rough times as he's had some health scares and surgeries in the past few years, I'm the mother of his kids and I didn't even get as much as a flower or card on the most significant birthday I've had so far whilst being together with him. I need a god damn day at the spa. I'm wrecked!! How on earth do I get over this bitterness I'm feeling?? He has said he's very sorry and didn't realise I felt this way but I'm just having a real hard time getting over things that I've been reflecting over lately. 

Any advice is appreciated, thank you!! 

 

 

[basil67]

I'm so sorry you're in this situation.  Thing is though, while his mother's words are hurtful, it appears she's also correct.  Perhaps she's not trying to get rid of you, but instead, telling you who your partner really is.

[Els]

Sorry to hear that. How is he like with you otherwise? Does he make you feel cared for and loved the remaining 99% of the time, or does he not?

[glows]

Is he resentful that he moved away from his family to your home country? 

Don’t want to assume anything but the first thought that came to mind was this guy thinks you’re taken care of and have more than enough support at home in your country and he’s overcompensating gifting gifts to his family overseas to show he cares

Ask him how he feels about living in this country and how to bridge the gap between both of you, that you feel distance. I think you feel distant from him and want him to show you he cares.

[Leihla_B]

On 11/5/2024 at 4:51 PM, Ballinaire said:

He has said he's very sorry and didn't realise I felt this way but I'm just having a real hard time getting over things that I've been reflecting over lately. 

This sounds like a good start to a conversation with him about how you've been feeling. See how he responds. I'd make it less about his family and more about his lack of gestures and lack of care about celebrating you and a wedding with you--and how that makes you feel.

[Gaeta]

He's ok with getting married (signing the papers) he just doesn't want a party, probably because the money would be better used somewhere else.

Listen, 8 years. 2 kids, you're too late for fantasy wedding, what you need is that marriage paper that will protect you and your children in case of death. Go sign the darn papers at the notary.  The bonus will be it will shut up his mother.

[Gebidozo]

One thing I would have done long time ago is ask my partner to tell their mother and brother to back off.

I find it very disrespectful to you that your partner allows his mother to treat you like this.

I believe that parents should stay away from their children’s relationships. There are too many cases of parents putting pressure on their children, uttering venomous remarks, denigrating the child-in-law, and so on. It’s best to minimize contact.

Regarding the marriage, it’s your partner’s right to not want a ceremony. Do you really want it that much? If so, perhaps you should communicate to him how important it is to you. Personally, I don’t think it matters. And marriage paper matters only because of legal reasons.

It’s a bummer that he didn’t give you your birthday present and forgot to make up for that. I think you should talk to him about that.

Edited November 9 by Gebidozo