Doubt

[Miumir]

Tenho medo de ser injusta, mas mês passado foi meu aniversário. Meu namorado diz que é esquecido, e eu continuei gentilmente lembrando-o, mas ele ainda ignorou. Então, durante a semana do meu aniversário, estávamos em uma livraria, e eu praticamente pedi um livro pequeno e barato de presente, mas ele disse não.

 

Fiquei triste e perguntei por que, e ele disse: "Porque eu não quero dar". Ele também me disse que eu não sabia como aceitar um "não" como resposta. Mais tarde, ele acrescentou que não se importa com aniversários ou dar presentes.

 

Mas então, uma semana depois, descobri que ele deu um livro de presente para uma mulher que, no começo do nosso relacionamento, tinha uma dinâmica meio "sugar baby" com ele. Eu disse a ele que o comportamento dela me deixava desconfortável, e ele disse que não a apoiaria mais (essa história é um pouco longa, mas posso explicar melhor se for relevante). Também descobri que, meses antes, depois que ele disse que não a ajudaria mais, ela mencionou que era seu aniversário, e ele lhe enviou dinheiro como presente.

 

Sinto que estou sendo tratada como menos importante do que ela. Sei que essa é apenas minha perspectiva, mas estou tentando ser o mais objetiva possível. Se ele diz que não se importa com aniversários ou dar presentes, por que esse tratamento diferente.

Note: We're not young (I'm 54, he's 61), and the woman is 19. We’ve been together for a year and a half.

 

Edited 19 hours ago by Miumir
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[MsJayne]

3 minutes ago, Miumir said:

If he says he doesn’t care about birthdays or giving gifts, why this different treatment?

Because he obviously doesn't care about your feelings. He's right in that you shouldn't ask for gifts, or even keep reminding someone that your birthday's coming up, but that's a separate issue, the problem here is that he's taking you for granted. If you're a person who enjoys celebrations, birthdays, Christmas, Valentines Day, etc, don't settle for partner who uses these occasions as a vehicle for devaluing you. Sometimes people forget birthdays and that's not a crime, but it is when they do it on purpose and do it every year. Aside from that, he sounds like a bit of an a*****e, and you can do better than him. 

[Miumir]

In fact,  I just care about birthdays and the other ones I pass through without caring about. And I don't use to ask for gifts but as he said he forgets a lot I told him about it In a light way.

But, so he really acts In a stranger way.  

There's more things happening and I'll try to post.

Thanks

[Acacia98]

Its time to end the relationship. He doesn't value you. You can do so much better. Heck, you'd be better off on your own.

[Miumir]

3 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

Está na hora de terminar o relacionamento. Ele não te valoriza. Você pode fazer muito melhor. Caramba, você estaria melhor sozinha.

As I said, there's a lot of things to consider, but, I know something is really going wrong. But, I don't like to be unfair so I decided to share the situation here to listen different points of view. 

We don't live together and this turns things better, of course.

Thanks a lot 

[Miumir]

Dear forum members,

Today, I’m writing with a heavy and confused heart, looking for advice on something that deeply troubles me in my current relationship. I feel there is a painful imbalance in how my partner treats certain people and how he treats me, and this difference is becoming more obvious. I am beginning to question what I truly mean to him.

One of the biggest issues I struggle with is his behavior towards a young woman whom I’ll call "Maria" (not her real name). She is 19 years old—the same age as one of his daughters. A few months ago, he gave her a money transfer for her birthday and, later, a book in October, the same month as my own birthday. Yet, he chose not to give me anything at all, saying he “doesn't care about birthdays.” This explanation might have made sense if he didn’t give gifts to others on specific dates or even randomly. I feel he gives her special attention that goes beyond what I would consider a simple friendship.

Initially, he had described her as the daughter of friends, but over time, I discovered he was financially supporting her as a kind of “sugar daddy,” a role he told me he had stopped after we started dating. However, small gestures toward her continue to this day. I also noticed that he often searches for photos of models who resemble her, even before we go to bed (though he quickly closes the images). On top of that, he’s become more careful with his phone, keeping it less accessible, and his behavior shifts whenever we spend weekends together.

In addition, he requested exclusivity for certain simple terms of endearment, such as calling him "boy," which I respected. Meanwhile, he frequently uses strong, flattering words like "mermaid" and "magnificent" for other women—terms I find too intimate to be given freely. These are women he once casually flirted with. I find this inequality in language usage unfair and even more troubling, considering he has a strong interest in Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), which emphasizes the power of words and how they affect others.

Another recent incident has left me feeling unsettled. He bought himself an umbrella and mentioned that his grandson received one too. When I asked if he had given it as a gift, he firmly replied, “I’m against giving.” This was confusing since he has given gifts to Maria and even justified it by saying he “only gives to those who deserve it.” I felt compelled to ask, “What exactly is deserving to you?” but he quickly changed the subject, avoiding a clear response.

Essas ações me fazem pensar se ele realmente valoriza meus pensamentos e sentimentos. No início do nosso relacionamento, ele reduziu suas postagens nas redes sociais, dizendo que postar demais atraia "energia ruim", uma visão que eu compartilhava. Mas depois, depois de ouvir de outra pessoa que "pessoas que não são vistas não são lembradas", ele voltou a postar com mais frequência. Isso me faz sentir como se minhas opiniões sobre coisas com as quais parecíamos concordar tivessem pouca importância em comparação à influência dos outros.

Aqui estou eu, cheia de perguntas, tentando descobrir se é possível construir uma parceria saudável com alguém que parece tão disposto a ignorar minhas preocupações. Vale a pena continuar um relacionamento em que sinto que não estou sendo valorizada de forma justa?

Obrigado a todos que lerem isso e puderem oferecer alguma perspectiva ou orientação.

Atenciosamente

[MsJayne]

I'll give much the same answer I gave yesterday - this guy doesn't care about you, and he's actively maintaining a connection to a young woman he's obviously been in some sort of relationship with -  she's the daughter of one of his friends. This tells you a lot about him. Does her father know that his 'friend' has been banging his daughter? I'm guessing it's very unlikely, and him continuing to give her "gifts" is possibly a way of buying her silence. His words and his actions don't align, this is called incongruity, and it's a huge warning sign. He's become secretive about his 'phone, and he gets online checking out other women before getting into bed with you. Please see this for what it is and don't make excuses for him. My advice is to ditch this guy, he's sleazy and will bring you nothing but heart-ache if you continue. 

Edited 5 hours ago by MsJayne