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When you are seeing a girl for a couple of dates or so and getting to know her.

She mentions that "when I'm a in a relationship I'm completely different and can't stop thinking about the guy"

How does a guy respond?  Why won't a girl make that same effort now and only in a relationship...?

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Georgia46

Well you can’t get too invested too soon… 

it’s early days 

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Alpacalia

I wouldn't take it too seriously unless she actually has started to avoid you.

Instead of finding an answer, I think the best thing you could do is to assure her that you're interested and present and keep getting to know her better. As to why she doesn't make the same effort now, maybe it's because she wants to make sure you are someone worth investing her feelings and time in before opening up fully.

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1 hour ago, fred123 said:

When you are seeing a girl for a couple of dates or so and getting to know her.

She mentions that "when I'm a in a relationship I'm completely different and can't stop thinking about the guy"

How does a guy respond?  Why won't a girl make that same effort now and only in a relationship...?

Can you define "effort"?   It's impossible to comment without context

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5 hours ago, fred123 said:

Why won't a girl make that same effort now and only in a relationship...?

Obviously, because now she isn’t in a relationship yet. 

I don’t quite understand the point of your question. Did you mean to ask “Why did she feel the need to state that obvious fact”?

Well, my guess is that you complained or somehow expressed your dissatisfaction with her “efforts” (whatever you mean by that), and that made her basically tell you, “Look, don’t push me, we’ve only been on a couple of dates, it’s not that you’re my boyfriend, if and when you become one I’ll obviously be more committed to you in thoughts and deeds”.

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21 hours ago, fred123 said:

When you are seeing a girl for a couple of dates or so and getting to know her.

She mentions that "when I'm a in a relationship I'm completely different and can't stop thinking about the guy"

How does a guy respond? 

Positively. "That's terrific. With any luck, I hope we can get to know one another well enough to feel that way."

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Why won't a girl make that same effort now and only in a relationship...?

Most people don't feel instant-intimacy. It needs to be developed over time. Strangers don't inspire much thought. The more you get to know and like someone, the more you think about them.

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21 hours ago, fred123 said:

 "when I'm a in a relationship I'm completely different and can't stop thinking about the guy"

What did you tell her right before that?

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On 10/15/2024 at 12:59 PM, Gaeta said:

What did you tell her right before that?

Nothing.  Just feels like she's not putting in effort yet and only will when she's in a relationship. Like she has with past guys I presume. Feel deflated/jealous

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2 minutes ago, fred123 said:

Nothing.  Just feels like she's not putting in effort yet and only will when she's in a relationship. Like she has with past guys I presume. Feel deflated/jealous

Explain to us why you feel she's not putting in the efforts. It's really unclear what you're trying to tell us. 

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1 hour ago, fred123 said:

Nothing.  Just feels like she's not putting in effort yet and only will when she's in a relationship. Like she has with past guys I presume.

So she said "when I'm a in a relationship I'm completely different and can't stop thinking about the guy" just out of the blue.  Unprompted?  That's just weird. 

1 hour ago, fred123 said:

Feel deflated/jealous

Your ongoing jealousy over women's pasts is unwarranted and unhealthy. It is going to be your undoing

 

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How does the fact that she can’t stop thinking about a guy when she’s in a relationship equate to how much effort she is putting into the relationship? 

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3 hours ago, fred123 said:

Like she has with past guys I presume. Feel deflated/jealous

This is your issue, not hers.

You are making the assumption that she has put more effort into relationships with other men - that’s not what she said. Besides, what do you actually have besides a vague comment to substantiate this assumption? 

Edited by BaileyB
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sharrod88

i kinda understand what you're saying, but girls are really complicated in the dating phase man, just the way it is, unless you're really attractive, then she'll give you relationship treatment right away

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5 hours ago, fred123 said:

Like she has with past guys I presume. Feel deflated/jealous

Oh, so that’s what it is about! You should have told us that right away. Well, sorry man, but this one is entirely on you. Retroactive jealousy is an ugly, vicious little beast. The problem is that it is not the disease, it is a symptom. What you’re feeling is caused by your own insecurities and lack of self-value. You should probably work on that and make sure you gain more self-respect and confidence before dating.

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On 10/16/2024 at 3:06 PM, fred123 said:

Nothing.  Just feels like she's not putting in effort yet and only will when she's in a relationship.

What kind of effort are you speaking of? What is she saying or doing or NOT saying or doing that's upsetting you?

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Like she has with past guys I presume. Feel deflated/jealous

Most adults have had relationships in their past. If you want to hold out for a brand new woman to spring from the womb fully formed and without a history, you're seeking a unicorn.

Your expectations are sabotaging you. I hope you'll seek some professional help with that, or you'll just keep drilling yourself into the same ol' hole.

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balletomane

This isn't the first time that a woman you've just started dating has said this to you. You quoted a different woman as saying the exact same thing a few weeks back. What was the conversation like before those remarks, and are they direct quotations or your interpretation of what was said? I'm really struggling to see how this would come up not once but twice, unless in your jealousy you're quizzing dates about their relationship history or something.

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On 10/19/2024 at 1:11 AM, balletomane said:

This isn't the first time that a woman you've just started dating has said this to you. You quoted a different woman as saying the exact same thing a few weeks back. What was the conversation like before those remarks, and are they direct quotations or your interpretation of what was said? I'm really struggling to see how this would come up not once but twice, unless in your jealousy you're quizzing dates about their relationship history or something.

I do quiz about them cos then I can tell if they are into me

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23 minutes ago, fred123 said:

I do quiz about them cos then I can tell if they are into me

Further back in the thread you said that you didn't say anything to prompt her comment.  Now you're saying that you 'quiz' them.

What exactly are you asking?

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1 hour ago, fred123 said:

I do quiz about them cos then I can tell if they are into me

How would quizzing a person about their past relationships tell you whether they are into you now? That makes no sense. Every relationship is unique, people have a million reasons for doing things this or another way, and people also grow and change. Let it go, you’re just inviting pointless torture over yourself.

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2 hours ago, fred123 said:

I do quiz about them cos then I can tell if they are into me

We told you a gazillion times. People show you their level of interest with their actions, not their words.

Actions like she accepts your dates, she initiates dates, she gives you her free time. She remembers things about you, she's kind and smiling around you, she gives you her entire attention when you speak, she touches your hand or arm, she replies promply and she initiates communication.

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13 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

We told you a gazillion times. People show you their level of interest with their actions, not their words.

Actions like she accepts your dates, she initiates dates, she gives you her free time. She remembers things about you, she's kind and smiling around you, she gives you her entire attention when you speak, she touches your hand or arm, she replies promply and she initiates communication.

Years a go I went out with a girl for 7 months.  I asked her about her ex and about the guy before me. It was obvious she was into them and they rejected her. She had pics of them together and would see each other 2 or 3 times a week. They spent new years together etc etc. When I was dating her I only saw her once a week cos she told me that's what she does when she dates. No pics nothing. She said she likes to take it slow. We broke up. The next guy after me within a month did everything she said she didn't do with me. 

I never want to get played again. I want to be that guy. I should have known from the way she was talking about her exes she wasn't into me as she was treating me different

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32 minutes ago, fred123 said:

When I was dating her I only saw her once a week cos she told me that's what she does when she dates

Who cares how she dated her ex.

You judge her on how she dates you. If seeing you once a week was not enough for you then you break up because this is not good enough for you.  End of story. 

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1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

Who cares how she dated her ex.

You judge her on how she dates you. If seeing you once a week was not enough for you then you break up because this is not good enough for you.  End of story. 

It's never that simple. You don't understand what it's like to date a woman. You have to not put pressure on her. I would like to see her 3 or 4 times a week if possible but il get told that's too needy.  Then the guy after me she wants to see him 3 or 4times a week cos she says "when you like a guy that's what u wantto do".  Funny enough never did that with me

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1 hour ago, fred123 said:

It's never that simple. You don't understand what it's like to date a woman. You have to not put pressure on her. I would like to see her 3 or 4 times a week if possible but il get told that's too needy.  Then the guy after me she wants to see him 3 or 4times a week cos she says "when you like a guy that's what u wantto do".  Funny enough never did that with me

I've got to agree with her.  Back when I was dating, if I was really into a guy, I'd want to see him a lot.  

If a woman is only wanting to see you once a week, she's not that into you

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7 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I've got to agree with her.  Back when I was dating, if I was really into a guy, I'd want to see him a lot.  

If a woman is only wanting to see you once a week, she's not that into you

Imagine how that makes me feel :(

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