Partner talking about our intimacy issue with exes

[Whoamiandwhy]

Hi 

I’m having a really hard time understanding what is acceptable and what not. And that am i just too jealous and should i do something or not. 

I (m 42) live with my partner (f 42) and we’ve been together for few years and we have many kids. Life in general is fine at least comparing to financial and health problems we have a lot… she is caring, has lot of empathy and seems to do all she can to support me mentally and i support her as well as i can. We talk about the future regularly, have plans etc 

but the thing is, since the beginning i have been more or less jealous almost all the time about her being in contact with her ex Partners, mostly they have been FWB type of relationships. For sure, she told me early that she has ”remained as friends” with some of them, which is totally fine. Before we met, she had a really active sexual life and experiences after  her divorce. That is also fine and really good i think. 
one problem is that i have had a minimum count of sex partners and my self esteem is very low. I try my best to learn to enjoy things and try to kind of get closer to her ”level” 

i just have this feeling that she has become disappointed at our intimacy things. She has talked a lot about her wonderful experiences and how sexuality is very important part of her. I somehow just dont feel that i compare to anything or anyone. And it feels terrible to keep her from having the sex she is used to… 

now, something that i feel terrible about myself is that in fact during my most jealous moments, i just couldnt stop myself from checking her phone. I know it is so wrong but did it anyway. 
and i found messages with her ex lovers. Mainly normal really good friends talk. But i noticed some talked she had with few guys… she was talking about our sex life… not like really much but stated her disappointment pretty clearly, and even talked about wishing for a open relationship. And that she misses the sexual wild moments (which she has had with this guy). We have talked about open relationships and at my weakest moment i told her that perhaps i could even accept that. I was really having a horrible time and didn’t think clearly then. Afterwards we talked again and i was sorry but i cant live with that kind of arrangement. It just feels so bad to me. And she keeps telling me not to worry about it and theres nothing going on and she hasnt really even thought about it. Yet at the same time she talks this talk with an ex lover 

with another guy she has been talking very much. About also my mental problems, which is ok i think because she hassu got many friends to open up about things. But theres a lot of words about thinking each other and i see some kind of behaviour from that guy like he is trying to get her back as some sort of FWB and je talks like she should dump me … i dont know. I just feel so bad about this. I am also totally outside their frindship, i havent met these guys and i have zero ”access” to anything they have. 
When I read these i got so horrible feeling that i actually kind of stalked a little and found out that she still has the account to a chat platform where she used to communicate with several sex partners before we met. We had talked about her account because she once showed me someone was trying to reach for her and that she refused. In her words she doesnt even remember the guy, and the message she got from him was really stupid and unpolite. Yet her answer to him was very polite. I mean she could have just said plain NO to a stranger or something. I asked her once why does she even have that account and app anymore and she didn’t really give a straight answer. More like avoided the topic. And she still has the account. I dont dare to talk about it anymore. 
also she has a secret email account i know she used for these contacts and i have no clue if theres anything going on, the account name just happens to be visible on her tab, i didnt stalk on that. And i havent tried to access the mail. Would just be too much… 

i am actually devasteted by all this and at the same time i cannot talk about the things i found. I feel like giving up. I love her so much but i feel like such a disappointment and a failure. I have even thought that perhaps i am just a temporary tool to support her finances and other daily stuff. And then se dumps me when does not need me anymore. Am i Paranoid? What can i do? Everything is so controversial, the way se treats me is great but at the same time it seems that behind my back i am nothing to her. 
 Should i break up with her and how? 
thanks for reading this…

[Gaeta]

What do you mean by you have 'many kids' ? 

She is a terrible partner. If I were you I would ask her to go to couples counseling together. If she refuses I would separate. 

[Whoamiandwhy]

21 hours ago, Gaeta said:

What do you mean by you have 'many kids' ? 

She is a terrible partner. If I were you I would ask her to go to couples counseling together. If she refuses I would separate. 

Hi. 
i realized that there were a few unclear things in my post. 
with kids I mean that we both have kids from our previous relationships. 

Also to clarify: i wrote about her ex lovers being FWB type: they were before we met, but during our relationship they have been just on friend status. Or at least this is what i know. Honestly I’m not 100% sure about that either… for I had a weird feeling at one point that she was kind of nervous and perhaps worried about me finding something while i was cleaning the bedroom. But on the other hand it could have been anything from her previous life before we met because this happened at very early stage of our relationship. 

this is just horrible, i cannot tell her what i have found, and it could be that i’m just totally paranoid and i will ruin everything for nothing if i even ask about these things.

It’s like she has her totally separate world that i do not know at all, what if theres nothing going on and by hiding things like the friends - shortly after i said that i am a bit jealous about her exes, her friend list on FB turned private - what if she just wants to make sure i don’t see anything because i could get upset? What if all the messages are just some type of play for her but she does not want to actually do anything with them. she still talks to some guy who was more of a serious relationship and she tells me some things they talk about and ive seen that their messages are totally ok really good friends talk. Its just these few guys that make me really uncomfortable. And i have understood that they have been ”a lot of fun” and capable and confident. At least compared to me… especially this one guy who also clearly hates me without even knowing me. That is something i am so mad about, how can she just talk to someone who dishonours me that way to her, that she’s thinking about him often. Instead of making clear that it’s not ok to talk that way about me. I can only think that she actually hates me and would rather get back to the fun they had. 

i actually now hate her talk to me that i am totally good and fine and wonderful as i am, because i cannot believe it. I wish she just told me honestly what a waste of time i am! Would be better than living in this false state. I feel like i should just be alone forever, i have previously been dumped all of the sudden and the truth has hit me in the face only after that, of how hopeless piece of * i am. I thought i am not going to let that happen ever again, but here i am again 

 

 
 

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Whoamiandwhy said:

It’s like she has her totally separate world that i do not know at all, what if theres nothing going on and by hiding things like the friends - shortly after i said that i am a bit jealous about her exes, her friend list on FB turned private - what if she just wants to make sure i don’t see anything because i could get upset? What if all the messages are just some type of play for her but she does not want to actually do anything with them. she still talks to some guy who was more of a serious relationship and she tells me some things they talk about and ive seen that their messages are totally ok really good friends talk. Its just these few guys that make me really uncomfortable. And i have understood that they have been ”a lot of fun” and capable and confident. At least compared to me… especially this one guy who also clearly hates me without even knowing me. That is something i am so mad about, how can she just talk to someone who dishonours me that way to her, that she’s thinking about him often. Instead of making clear that it’s not ok to talk that way about me. I can only think that she actually hates me and would rather get back to the fun they had. 

All of this is unacceptable in a committed relationship. You are not happy in this relationship, I don't see any point of staying with her. She is sneaky and disrespectful. You don't have children together, your bond is broken, it's time to set yourself free. 

[Gebidozo]

Being friends with exes is totally okay, but I’d be very mad if I knew that my partner complained about our sex life to her exes. This strikes me as inappropriate. Her willing to have an open relationship with you and not even telling you that would be another dealbreaker for me. 

[Acacia98]

OP, she's a lousy girlfriend. Whether or not she's sexually involved with someone else, she's violating your privacy and tràmpling all over you in your vulnerability by discussing your business with her former FWBs. You need to dump her and work on rebuilding your self-esteem. And some day, when you're ready to date again, please date women with whom you are more sexually compatible.

[Leihla_B]

My own private rule for just myself, which I don't prescribe to anyone else, is that I won't involve myself with anyone who is still involved with an ex beyond shared children. You're learning one of many reasons why.

In your case, your partner is not just still involved with multiple past sex partners, she's speaking disloyally about you. You get to decide whether keeping this person in your life is worth that cost.

Speaking only for myself, she'd be history. That's not about making her into a villain; it's strictly about how I want to live. There is nowhere in my vision of my future for a partner I can't trust to confide in ME from the heart rather than exes from the ego.

Edited November 8 by Leihla_B

[Els]

Yikes, that would be a deal breaker for me. It's one thing if she was talking to her girlfriends or even anonymously on the internet... Talking to exes about sex is entirely different.

Edited November 10 by Els

[smackie9]

She has a totally different world, a secret one at that, and you think that's not worth bringing up with her??? Like if you knew she was still in contact with her old flings, wouldn't that send alarm bells off to not proceed with a relationship? Obviously you haven't really spoken to her directly about this issue because you fear the end of the relationship. Well that's no reason to stay and suffer. I believe you have become too dependant on her thinking this is the only way to survive. That's a bad place to be. Communication is the only way to resolve issues. It's time to confront her about it, and suggest counselling to resolve your issues properly. For some reason she's avoiding talking to you...maybe figure that out too why she feels this matter can't be discussed with you. I think that would be a good starting point.

Edited November 23 by smackie9