Mixed Message After Good First Date

[savannahtree]

More of a rant than anything, but I (30 M) had a first date with a woman (also 30) on the weekend after messaging for a while on hinge.

We met up for a nature walk and then she suggested getting a drink after, which led to another and then to dinner. We said we'd do something again at the end, made out a bit and then drove off separately. Whole date lasted like 6/ 7 hours.

She text straight after to say she had a really good time and that dinner was on her next time, so I'm thinking it went well and that she's keen. I replied the next day to take her up on her offer and suggested a date, but then after over a day of no response she text to say she's got too much on to be dating again etc, that we had loads in common but she wants to calm things down. In her defence her life does sound pretty hectic atm - buying a house, new job and research programme, which she just moved from another city for.

So it blew a lot! I've been dating long enough to know that it essentially means 'I had fun, but I don't fancy you enough to factor you into my hectic life', which is absolutely fine, but I thought for her to send the initial text straight after the date was misleading. It got my hopes up, which is my own problem, but there it is.

Maybe she felt it in the moment and then woke up and didn't feel it, it doesn't really matter, I just want to rant :)

Anyone else got similar stories?

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, savannahtree said:

Anyone else got similar stories?

I am a woman. It did not happen to me but I acted like that woman many times when I was online dating. I would go on a date, I enjoyed myself, came home and thanked the man for the nice date. Then the dust settled down and realized I was not really interested. Sure I had a good time but it was more like a brotherly thing. 

[savannahtree]

21 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I am a woman. It did not happen to me but I acted like that woman many times when I was online dating. I would go on a date, I enjoyed myself, came home and thanked the man for the nice date. Then the dust settled down and realized I was not really interested. Sure I had a good time but it was more like a brotherly thing. 

Thanks, yeah I get that. Can you appreciate that it comes across as misleading, especially if there is a hint toward a second date?

For me, and I'm sure a lot of people, to see a positive text from them so soon after the date is a good sign and leads to disappointment/ confusion when it gets turned around.

I'm not begrudging anyone here, I really do understand that we all miscommunicate sometimes, but it still blows.

[glows]

She’s just not interested in seeing you regularly. This is leading more towards something casual and you’re right to move on if you’re looking for something more substantial. 

Edited 14 hours ago by glows

[Gaeta]

18 minutes ago, savannahtree said:

Can you appreciate that it comes across as misleading, especially if there is a hint toward a second date?

For me, and I'm sure a lot of people, to see a positive text from them so soon after the date is a good sign and leads to disappointment/ confusion when it gets turned around

No, I do not see it as misleading. In the dating world it's well known it's normal to be unsure of dating someone up to date 3. And if after date 3 you don't feel that connection and you keep on dating this person then yes it's misleading. That is why it's important to not invest any hope in those first couple of dates. 

What if you like a woman and had a good first date, then you invite her on a  2nd date and then you discover something about her you don't like and you don't wish to continue, that means she can accuse you of misleading her? only because there was a second date? Of course not. 

[savannahtree]

37 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

What if you like a woman and had a good first date, then you invite her on a  2nd date and then you discover something about her you don't like and you don't wish to continue, that means she can accuse you of misleading her? only because there was a second date? Of course not. 

If I had text her after the second date with a hint to a third, then yes, I would say that's misleading (though completely appreciative of how feelings can change at a whim early on), which is the equivalent of my experience but one date ahead. 

The 'three date rule' doesn't mean that communication can't come across as misleading. Misinterpretation is a different matter, but I'm not sure how I could have interpreted her text any differently.

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, savannahtree said:

If I had text her after the second date with a hint to a third, then yes, I would say that's misleading

If you don't relax and keep on taking it personally you will get burnt pretty fast at online dating. What you have experienced is normal, brush it off and move to next. Don't try to find a reason to be offended.

Just let it go. When you meet the right one it will unfold naturally.

I was 3 years online. I got lied to, mislead, played, ghosted, l did not analyze it, l dropped it and moved to next. When l met by boyfriend it clicked and everything was easy from there.

Edited 10 hours ago by Gaeta

[Leihla_B]

9 hours ago, savannahtree said:

...Whole date lasted like 6/ 7 hours.

She text straight after ... I replied the next day to take her up on her offer and suggested a date...

Too much, too soon. It's never a good idea to stretch a first date so many hours--even if she's the one who pushes for that. It's a kind of overkill that might be enjoyable in the moment, but it can make a person feel raw afterward. Then, before she had a chance to catch her breath, you asked her out again the very next day.

Leave enough breathing room for reflection. It will not only raise your chances of a 'yes,' it will be a yes you can trust.

[basil67]

I understand that you felt mislead, but I think the term "misleading" implies intent to deceive.  However, it sounds like what actually happened is that she simply changed her mind.  Had she gone on the second date while already knowing that she didn't want a future with you, this is where deception comes into it

Sorry it didn't work out for you

[Gebidozo]

I’m a guy. This has happened to me in both directions - there was a nice date and then either the woman or I (mostly both) felt it wasn’t quite enough to develop something romantic. It’s a completely normal thing, there is nothing misleading here.

Don’t expect so much from first dates, they usually mean nothing.