2 breakups, bumping into ex gf. Scrambled brain.

[MacaroniGuy]

Hi everyone, I was thinking of sharing my story for a while but now I feel I can.

Feel free to skip to 2nd Breakup or No contact section if you feel like it.

Brief history

I (31M) was in a relationship with now my ex (29F) for a 1 year and 3 months. It was very intense and intimate from the beginning. Before everything started we were coworkers for over a year but then she left company to move abroad with her fiancee. It didn't work out and she moved back. After she moved back we started having contact every day and after 2 months she came over. It was super intense from the beginning as she was/is very emotional. She told me she was into me for a long time. We were official after 1 month and relationship progressed quickly. There was a lot of sex, talking about love and all that jazz. It was my first relationship so I wanted to proceed slowly but she always pushed for more. However I was slowly opening up to the perspective of a serious relationship. I was also aware she had been diagnosed with MS, but her condition was under control and her disease was 99% dormant.

She was clingy and needy from the beginning but put on a brave face a lot of time. She was definitely facing a lot problems with her new job and she probably didnt have time to grieve her old relationship, although she said she was completely done. Her ex fiancee was labeled narcissist and manipulator. It took it at face value. Honestly she was great but I always sensed a lot of sadness inside her. I supported her through all of her issues and also kept my boundaries to keep myself grounded. Looking back at the relationship I can for sure say I was very supportive and helped her with a lot of stuff going on in her life. I also know that I didn't spend as much time with her as she wanted. 

For 95% of our relationship she was telling me that I was the best partner she ever had, that I never manipulated her, that she felt totally accepted by me. We made a really good team. We never skipped a day of communication when we didn't see each other(texts, calls, video calls etc.). She was telling me nonstop how loved she felt and how good I am for her.

1st Breakup

During our last month or two I deeply felt my attraction to her was getting smaller and smaller. It was caused by her being said and having problems with articulating what she needed. During our talks we were going in loops. She had difficulty with resolving conflict. She stated her emotional needs but even when I was there for her as she wanted I couldn't alleviate her suffering. One day we just had a talk and she confirmed that she was getting tired of this. I made a mistake and interpreted it as a call for breakup and I did. We kind of agreed mutually it was the best way to go. But to be honest I initiated the breakup.

We cried and thanked each other and made it clear that this relationship was not a mistake. Week after breakup I had a look in a mirror and was sure I made a mistake. After 2 weeks after breakup I was sure I wanted to be there for her no matter what. I called her after 2 weeks after breakup and told her all of that, cried a little over the phone and took responsibility for my faults. She rejected me, she was pissed off. But after 2 days she proposed we meet. It was a reconciliation. Hurray! But...

2nd Breakup

I fixed my faults after the breakup. I spent more time with her. I assured her of my commitment. I wanted her to know that I thought about it and would never make the same mistake again. She seemed to be very excited about the prospect. She told me she agreed to take me back, because she knew I accepted her unconditionally. But we never had a talk about getting back together. She said things like "we need to take it slow" "let's just date for a while" "it will end badly if we just got back together as if nothing happened". I agreed but quickly we were just together as before. Or that was what I thought. During this time she expanded her social circle and started to spend more time with friends from work. I was happy for her because she didn't spend much time outside of work and our relationship. 

One evening we had a talk about what's next in our relationship. I assured her I wanted to move forward with her, meet our parents, plan moving in together. We told each other we didn't want to let each other go. Then she dropped "I don't want you as much as you want me. I feel like a bad person for it". I comforted her and doubled down on assuring her I wanted to be with her with all my heart. She also told me that in her mind she never gave me a second chance. We had sex but she stopped it in the middle of it. After that we went to sleep. Next day I got a call with a semi-breakup. She wanted to have a "break" for 3 weeks. I was devastated. She called after 11 days and broke it off completely. 

She said "We couldn't make our relationship work in a year. We were causing each other suffering from the beginning. I was crying because of you from day 1. I never felt you would be there for me if something happened to my health." The thing about her diagnosis was like knife in my back - I was ever supporting with her injections and never complained about it. Whole conversation lasted for 40 minutes, but it was the core of it. Down the line she told me she "loved" me as a friend and that she wanted me to eat (she knew that don't eat much when stressed) and maybe in the future we would bump into each other and maybe have a talk. She was distant, cold and I could sense she felt empowered. It was a mess. I told her I love her and I wanted to be with her because she was the love of my life. I poured my heart out and only spoke well about her even though I knew it was the end.

No contact

I went no contact after the breakup. After 5 weeks of NC I asked her to get her belongings from my house. She came. We did small talk for 5 minutes. She was polite but distant as if she wore some kind of armor of political correctness.
Conversation turned very awkward for her. I told her I still loved her and want to be together and that I didn’t want to stay friends because it would be too hard for me. I would never be able to see her as a friend. The reason why she thought we couldn’t be together was “I can’t give you anything anymore. I am completely burnt out.” I did a very desperate thing and tried to hug her (BIG MISTAKE) but she didn't reciprocate (duh?!). I told her that she idealized me so much at the beginning and that’s why she feels burnt out. She took it hard. I wanted to continue the conversation and didn’t want to let her go. She felt very awkward.
When she was walking out she told me “I am seeing someone” and left. I don’t know if it’s true. Maybe she said that so I would finally let her go. I don’t know anything about her life now. After that she unfriended me on Facebook, blocked me both on fb and messenger. She only left WhatsApp, but perhaps because she didn’t think to look there.

Two weeks after that(2 months NC) I bumped into her in subway(metro). She was coming back from her therapy session. I was looking at her with my legs shaking and waited for my stop. Before I left the train I said “hey” and smiled at her and walked out. After a while I noticed I was unblocked everywhere but she sent no requests.

I waited a week after she unblocked me and just wrote a short message to apologize for the way I behaved when she came over. And that I didn't want to put her in this awkward situation and I regretted the words I said. She read it instantly but ignored me ever since. It's been two weeks of silence. I've been truly no contact for 2 weeks now.

I know I probably made every mistake possible and this situation is totally F up. My brain understands that, but hope is hard to kill. I still love her though and am prepared to do whatever it takes to get her back.

PS. In the beginning of our relationship she was anxiously attached person and I was avoidant. After the 1st breakup it looked like I became anxiously attached and she was an avoidant. This transition was very obvious. We even talked about it a little bit the day before the "break".

 

 

Edited November 6 by MacaroniGuy

[Acacia98]

35 minutes ago, MacaroniGuy said:

I know I probably made every mistake possible and this situation is totally F up. My brain understands that, but hope is hard to kill. I still love her though and am prepared to do whatever it takes to get her back.

You owe it to yourself to learn how to love and respect yourself first.

Quote

She said "We couldn't make our relationship work in a year. We were causing each other suffering from the beginning. I was crying because of you from day 1. I never felt you would be there for me if something happened to my health

If the above wasn't an honest characterization of your relationship, then I think she was telling you the truth when she said:

Quote

“I am seeing someone”

When people want to assuage their guilt about moving on, they sometimes revise the history of their relationships to make it seem like they were suffering.

[MacaroniGuy]

On 11/7/2024 at 12:41 AM, Acacia98 said:

1. You owe it to yourself to learn how to love and respect yourself first.

2. If the above wasn't an honest characterization of your relationship, then I think she was telling you the truth when she said:

3. When people want to assuage their guilt about moving on, they sometimes revise the history of their relationships to make it seem like they were suffering.

1. Yes, I know it’s the best way to heal. I am doing therapy twice a week since the breakup. I started therapy a few months before we stated dating.

2. It wasn’t an honest characterization at all. I mean if what she said repeatedly was true…

3. Looking back on the r/s I see that she almost always made herself to be a victim. When she spoke about past partners, traumas, her relationship with her mother or brother. She just ended up as a victim in those stories. I don’t know if it was good to do so, but I always supported her in those situations and emphasized her agency in her life.

I wonder if she will be able to look back in some time and realize that her narrative from the of the breakup was wrong. Of course I know that we (her and me) have different truths about all that happened and both are probably valid. But I still would like to know if she reflects on day. 
Probably not soon, because of the guy she said she was dating… or ever

[ShyViolet]

On 11/6/2024 at 5:25 PM, MacaroniGuy said:

My brain understands that, but hope is hard to kill. I still love her though and am prepared to do whatever it takes to get her back.

It sounds like there is absolutely nothing you could do to get her back.  She has made it clear that she is done with you.  I don't know what more you need in order to understand that.  Do you really want to be that person who has so little self-respect that you would throw yourself at someone who doesn't want you?  It's time to accept that this is over, work on yourself, and move on.

[Gebidozo]

She’s made her choice. She doesn’t want to be with you anymore. She has fallen out of love. She is even seeing someone else now. Things couldn’t have been more clear. Use this clarity and closure to your advantage. Stop contacting her and start healing.

This relationship is over, but that doesn’t mean that your love life is over. This was an experience that you’ll remember more fondly as time goes by. But for now, you should let it go.

[glows]

Why did you think you could fix her or alleviate her suffering? (1st break up and loss of attraction) All she probably wanted you to do was listen and cuddle. Did she expect you to fix her or make her feel any different? Not sure about that if you can clarify. This seems misaligned with how stalwart and quite poised she is overall considering her personal issues.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 11/6/2024 at 11:25 PM, MacaroniGuy said:

I still love her though and am prepared to do whatever it takes to get her back.

My heart goes out to you, man. But it is quite clear she isn't open to this and has moved on. 

On 11/6/2024 at 11:25 PM, MacaroniGuy said:

Then she dropped "I don't want you as much as you want me. I feel like a bad person for it". I comforted her and doubled down on assuring her I wanted to be with her with all my heart.

I am not sure why you went this route. When someone tells you they don't feel the same way about you, the solution is not to lay on your affection and love even more. The problem wasn't a lack of love from you or that she doubted if you wanted to be with her. It was that she didn't have strong feelings for you anymore. Doubling down here didn't make much sense (but I also don't think it made any difference to the end result)

On 11/6/2024 at 11:25 PM, MacaroniGuy said:

I told her that she idealized me so much at the beginning and that’s why she feels burnt out

In the future, avoid telling other people about their own feelings. You have no idea if that is why she was burnt out, and it is quite presumptuous of you to assume you knew her mind better than she did. I get you meant no harm there, but be careful not to do this moving on. 

On 11/6/2024 at 11:25 PM, MacaroniGuy said:

When she was walking out she told me “I am seeing someone” and left. I don’t know if it’s true.

I think it probably is. A lot of her behaviour lines up with someone who has moved on to another person. 

On 11/6/2024 at 11:25 PM, MacaroniGuy said:

After the 1st breakup it looked like I became anxiously attached and she was an avoidant. This transition was very obvious.

Maybe so, but again, it doesn't really change the end result. 

Break-ups hurt. You will need more time and plenty of paitence with yourself as you go through the ups and downs. Know that she was not the love of you life, in the end. It wouldn't have ended like this if she were. Stay out of contact with her now so you can heal and move forward.