I found out I was pregnant and I didn't hear from him. What now?

[ee06x]

Hi,

This is going to be long, very long. But please bare with me. I ask that you be kind and non-judgemental, as my heart has broken into a million pieces.

 

I 32F have been seeing a guy for a while now. He's older than me by a few years, neither of us have any children. We both want them but don't have any.

 

My birth control failed and I fell pregnant to him a few months ago. We both decided I terminate the pregnancy as it was for "the best" but deep down I really wanted this poor, innocent baby but I terminated anyways. I could tell he too was also secretly upset by it as he's older now (39) with no children but it is what it is. The guilt still hasn't left me.

 

We had a talk after this termination, I came off my birth control and decided to let nature do what it wanted to do. I fell pregnant again. I was happy he was too, but he was exceptionally scared(past trauma on his part etc) I found out I was pregnant when I was at home and called him straight away, he asked me to meet him at his place, he shortly after switched off his phone and I never heard from him for 5 days!!!! I was scared, alone and upset. Out of all the times he chooses to dissappear, why now? On the 5th day of no contact, I went to his house. I caught him off guard. We had a long talk and I asked him why the f**k he abandoned me when I told him I was pregnant. He apologised profusely, explained how scared he was and how his first action was to just bury his head in the sand. We spoke. He asked me to keep it, he said it was meant to be but he would support me regardless of my choice. I had my doubts.

 

Fast forward,  him and I are arguing like crazy. He's all over the place. I come to the realisation he isn't fit to be a father, not to my child anyway. He then says the unthinkable. He tells me to "get rid of it" I cry, breakdown even, but I know it's for the best. I book my termination the next day. I don't even tell him. I had my termination on my birthday, it broke my heart. 2 terminations in a few months. I still to this day feel like my world hasn't been the same, 2 innocent babies created due their parent's own stupidity and carelessness. 

 

I have my abortion alone on my birthday in my house, he texts and calls me throughout the day to check on me, ask if I'm okay and if I need anything. But he's not there for me physically, so what does it matter? The pain was excruciating and alls I wanted in that moment in time was for him to just hug me, he's the one person I deserved protection from. But he failed not only himself, but our "baby." He phoned the night of my abortion and I broke down, I could tell this sent him over the edge. We spoke for over 1hr. He told me he'd call me back first thing tomorrow. He never did.

 

Almost 2 months pass of strictly NO contact. I cried myself to sleep for the first 3 weeks. Dreaming of my poor unborn babies who had to suffer. I disliked myself for putting my body thru it all again, but for also falling pregnant to him. I finally forgave myself, but the cuts were so deep I accepted they'd always be there in a way.

 

Last Friday,  I woke up to a text message from him. I didn't read it all I was that shocked to see his number pop up I went all dizzy. He was apologising profusely. Explained how it's been a "slippery slope for him" and he's had to "get his s*** together." And how he's "devestated" i terminated the pregnancy when i told him I would keep it??? He explained he's old now, he wants to become a father??? I didn't read the rest. It was too much. He was trying to talk to me. I didn't respond. I deleted the chat, and his number. Those wounds I had have al been opened again.

I mourn the two pregnancies I terminated. It's a guilt that is sticking to me and refuses to leave. It hurts more because I only spoke to him once in person when I told him I was pregnant the second time. Only once!!! My rationale is: it's a brand new year in a few weeks, and I want to put all of this behind me. I do not mourn the loss of HIM. He is dead to me. If I still had feelings for him, I would have responded to his message and saved his number, but I did the opposite

But I mourn those two innocent pregnancies. Two pregnancies in a space of a couple of months. My world is dull. I wanted to drive to his house and just speak...about what has happened. I accept I will never get the closure I need from him, because he's clearly not stable, that I accept, but I want a reason as to why I never heard from him whilst I was pregnant and going thru an abortion. I want to know why he told me he would call me first thing the next day and never. I'm not doing it because I want Him, I'm doing it so I have one less wound to heal in all of this mess!!! I would go to him for one last "talk" then  simply never speak to him again. 

Am I crazy for wanting to do this, or?

 

Thank you. I tried to condense this story down as much as I could. 

Edited yesterday at 06:46 PM by ee06x
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[Sony12]

Don't believe a word he says. He clearly has shown that he doesn't want children and that likely isn't going to change (at least not with you).

Try to forget about him as much as you can and move on from him. You have aborted two babies became of him. You need someone better.

[Gaeta]

He did it because he's weak, selfish, mentally unstable. Now you know why you need to block and delete this man from your life and you need to seek support to go through this hard time.  Asking him why he did this will only bring on more questions & more hurt. There is absolutely NO answer he could give you that will help your pain. 

Now, you need to mourn those 2 abortions. You need to go talk to a therapist, counselor, doctor, anyone that will guide you to the right place. I am sure there are also support groups for women going through the same difficult time. 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, ee06x said:

but I want a reason as to why I never heard from him whilst I was pregnant and going thru an abortion. I want to know why he told me he would call me first thing the next day and never.

He already told you why:

1 hour ago, ee06x said:

We had a long talk and I asked him why the f**k he abandoned me when I told him I was pregnant. He apologised profusely, explained how scared he was and how his first action was to just bury his head in the sand.

He's a man child.  He can't handle responsibility nor pressure of any kind.  Why would you agree to get pregnant by him a second time without marriage on the table?  If he loved you and the babies he would have offered it.  He can't give you closure, you're the only one who can give yourself closure.  Do not go to his house expecting anything.  It will set you back.  Move on and heal.

[ExpatInItaly]

You are very unlikely to get any sort of satisfactory answer out of him. He will beat around the bush, feed you excuses, and it generally won't bring you the closure you are seeking. 

You aren't crazy to want answers, but it is just not realistic to expect reasonable ones from this guy. Please don't put yourself though any more heartache.